mother with probable BPD

[annernan]

I'm in the midst of another "crisis" with my mom, who is currently ignoring me and her grandchildren but more than willing to leave passive aggressive messages towards me on facebook for others to read that don't name me directly but I know is about me. I can't stay on top of things with her because she forever in a cycle of loving me or being angry at me. I have had to cut off contact with her previously (once for about a year and a half), and honestly I should be relieved that this time she's not talking to ME,  but there is still always this guilt and fear over it. Always the self-doubt that I really am a horrible person and daughter (and this is despite many years of therapy!) I wish I could just not care but I don't seem to be able to do that. I think that if it weren't for my family members, I wouldn't care about letting the relationship go. But I hate the thought that she's turning them against me. They know that she is difficult and has mental illness issues. They've all been on the receiving end of it. I've always been the main target though. What I would give for just one of them to stand up to her for me. This is a very brief intro but just needed a place to vent as I try to deal with my feelings over this latest facebook message she wrote. What I'm waiting for is the next step, when I receive a "nastygram" as I started calling them. I know it'll come. Is it really ok to just let her go (and be thankful she's initiating it!)? What about the next time she pops up? Should I even try to address things with her to de-escalate? Why do I always doubt myself? It's ridiculous that I have to continually prove to her that I'm a good person. It's exhausting. Ugh.

[Turkish]

What was the substance of the latest message she wrote,  and what do you think precipitated it?

Seems like the other relatives have it easier than you,  and it must be hurtful for them to disengage or otherwise pretend thinks are ok,  such as they are. 

[Highlander]

Hi annernan,

Welcome to BPD Family . 

I have a Dear Husband (DH) - once diagnosed with BPD himself but now he has completely recovered.  His mother has undiagnosed BPD with NPD traits.

My DH doesn't visit these BPD forums but at times I read out a post that rings true to him.  I recognized how similar your story was to my DH's and read it out to him.

He nodded and agreed with your post and said "There is nothing more hurtful than your own mother turning on you and making other members of your family turn on you too".

My DH did attempt low contact (LC) with his uBPDm for a a few years but has since gone no contact (NC) with her. - thanks to help from his therapists, he calls it "Cutting his umbilical chord".

You are in the right place.  A place to vent but also to learn skills if you would like to attempt to have a relationship with your BPDm. 

There are people here that have succeeded in a relationship with their BPDm (whether diagnosed or not) using skills learnt here on this website as to how to interact with people with BPD in a healthier manner and others like my DH that thanks to this forum site that they know they are not alone and it can help them to move on without their mothers in their lives. 

Your in the right place.

[annernan]

Hi Turkish and Highlander,
Thanks for your replies. What precipitated it is that I posted on facebook about a trip we just took (I don't post regularly on facebook, so this is not something common) and stating that I was thankful for the people who had made it possible (it was a gift to us) and that our hearts were full.
We've had a very difficult few years and this summer my mom paid for me and the 2 kids to come visit her in GA and an uncle paid for us to visit him in FL. I included both of those visits in this post.
Shortly afterwards my mom wrote a message about how she sees posts sometimes and thinks they are nonsense and by her age she can recognize smoke in mirrors and she knows by now who loves her and who doesn't.
She has often used facebook to hurt me... .including once saying that she was cursed to be a mother. Or saying that someday she'd like to have grandchildren (she has 2!).
I showed it to my therapist this morning who was shocked at how mean her message was and helped me see how damaging it was (once again!).
My family has a long history of abuse and ignoring it. They let her get away with a ridiculous amount and I don't understand why.
We've always had a difficult time... .my early family history was quite disorganized and traumatic. When my sister died in 1998, my mom's anger really began to be directed more towards me. I feel horrible that she lost my sister. They were very close and she was definitely the favored child. It's not my fault  that I was the one who lived.
After I joined the board yesterday I did something that was really helpful. I wrote down a list of what healthy parents do and don't do. Instantly a 30 item list came out. Every one of those described how unhealthy my mom is. Likewise, I was able to read it and see that I only occasionally fall into one of them with my own children (and I own up to it soon afterwards). I'm going to keep it as a handy reference list when my own mind falls into the rut of believing her views about me. It did help quite a bit yesterday to understand that her behavior really is cruel!

[Turkish]

Your list is a pretty good idea.  We sometimes have members come here who wonder "am I a good parent?" I think it's a valid question if you didn't have good role models.  You don't know what you don't know.  Care to share your list? Maybe it could be a new thread for discussion so we don't hijack your specific concerns in this thread. 

[MommyinTN]

I just joined tonight and have a similar situation, although I only have one child.

So I just wanted to say I am sorry. I can't really offer advice since I am just starting out. But I will say that Facebook is the worst thing ever. My Mom didn't think I thanked her enough for a dinner from 2 years ago... .she didn't go on the dinner and pay, she gave us a gift card 2 months prior for Christmas and we used it on Valentine's Day. This latest fit she had, she blocked me... .and then I guess unblocked me but now I can choose whether to add her back or not. She deleted my husband last year over the stupidest thing. It's a platform that makes them worse, I think.

[Turkish]

It's a platform that makes them worse, I think.

A common observation across all of the boards 

Lucky for me,  my mother is computer illiterate except for solitaire.

[annernan]

Hi all,
I haven't been on this board for a long time but I want to reach out and let you know that I'd finished the project that guys helped lead me into. I posted once about how I'd made a list of all the healthy things that parents do (or don't do), because I was still constantly battling it out in my head and thinking everything was my fault. My brain automatically rehashes the old abusive messages I grew up with. So I wrote it all down and referred to it often to get myself back on track and found it was really helpful. A few of you here asked if I could share the list. I thought that maybe there were plenty of others that could use these also. So I recently made them into small portable playing cards with a statement on one side about healthy parenting and my artwork on the other side. I wanted something that people could easily carry with them throughout the day. I had them reviewed by an LCSW and therapist to make sure they were appropriate. I'm now marketing them to mental health workers and to anyone who might find them helpful. The cards come 30 in a deck and are slightly bigger than business sized cards. I'd love to put them in any of your hands. If you are interested, please send me a message. And thank you all so much for putting the idea for this project into my head! Writing them and publishing them helped me feel like I'd regained some personal power. 

[Skip]

Welcome back!

What are examples statements on the cards?  How would members best use them?

[annernan]

Thanks, Skip. Each one starts with "Healthy parents... ."  so some examples are "Healthy parents work hard to break family cycles of abuse." or "Healthy parents speak about their children without intending to shame them." There is a mix of do vs don't cards. I tried to make most of them positively worded so there are less "don't" statements. Tried to be truthful without being a debbie downer, .

My thought is that mental health workers can use them to strengthen cognitive patterns in their clients or while they help them learn healthier coping habits. They can be discussion prompts. Or someone can use them on their own when they feel like they are in the trenches and need backup, just reading them to remind themselves what is true.
I notice that I have a much better understanding of things when I see my mothers behavior represented on tv or in stories. Like seeing it happen to someone else makes me realize "Oh, that's really messed up! That's not ok! It's abusive!" Like somehow I can recognize it when it's directed at other people but not myself. So these cards are something that I can use as an external source of validation. I don't know if my brain will ever be able to do it by itself, so these are to be helpers.
Also, as a parent, I am often way too hard on myself and it was good to read them and realize that for the most part, I'm able to follow these guidelines. It gives me benchmarks as a parent  since I want so much to be a healthier parent for them.
I'd love to continue with this, and make other decks for different mental health reasons.
It was interesting to go back and read my previous posts. It's been almost a year and my mother has cut off all contact with us. I should be relieved, and I am. But mostly I'm heartbroken because I've been left again.