Introduction- uBPD Mother and Wife, mother's day is such a hard time

[flusteredincny]

Good afternoon, I have been reading on this board and find the discussions helpful. My therapist suggested some books and some of these communities might be helpful.

I'm a 50yo man, married 15 years with three step children (all 18+). I've been in therapy for over a year now, and off and on for 5+ years. Only recently have I been open enough in therapy to allow my therapist to really help. It's become clear that both my mother and wife are uBPD, my mother with an anxiety disorder to boot (and benzo addiction) and my wife diagnosed with Bipolar (II) just these past few weeks.

The past few months have been one crisis after another, ending up with my Mother effectively disowning me (not speaking after Mother's day now), and my wife having her own (unrelated to mom) nervous breakdowns and major depressive episodes (finally leading to some real diagnosis).

Why am I here? Support from like minded souls... .I have no friends anymore to bounce these things off of. And therapy is once a week at most.

About my situation: I've slowly (through therapy) realized that my upbringing wasnt as normal as I had thought. I'm not one of the people with a BPD mom where "it's obvious". Shes always been controlling, in a passive guilt-inducing way. I always wanted to be on my own as soon as possible, so when I graduated High School I was off to college and never looked back. She still guilts me about this now. Eventually in my 30s an still unmarried (after many tumultuous relationships, go figure) I met someone that seemed to work out. She had kids from prior relationships, which was great because my mom was constantly pressuring me for grandkids. Only problem was, no matter what, she never acted like these kids were her grandkids. They would come to things, but then I would always get the guilt off to the side "They dont think of us as real grandparents" "They arent really yours" that kind of stuff. Fast forward through many years of this, and I realize that my relationship with my wife is also not so great. She, too, has uBPD and - surprise - I'm codependent.

After 15 years of marriage, there have been many times where wife and mother butt heads, fight over me, play guilt and anger trips on me. I am typically the focus, and caught in the middle between two controlling people who see me as part of their "self".

Mothers day is always the worst. There is no pleasing both of them. If we dont go to my mom's, Im a bad son and have abandoned her. If we do, then wife feels like it's not her day. This year was especially bad, as wife was in a major depression for 2 weeks leading up to this past weekend, so I told my mother I could not come down a couple weeks back (I didnt tell her why- they live a couple hours away). This has driven mom nuts, to the point where she is now not speaking to me or returning my (or my wifes) texts. I sent presents and a card, and got a super passive aggressive thank you last week. I really had no choice, my wife was suicidal for weeks and I was told by her Dr's to make sure she's not alone and try to reduce her stress. I cant exactly explain this to mom, and she wouldn't likely care anyway.

This sort of thing has happened in the past, at one point I didn't talk to mom and dad for nearly 9 months. I feel incredible guilt (Then and now), but my therapist says to sit with it and keep setting boundaries and sticking with it. I try. As a 50 year old man, it feels INSANE to live like this. Not at all what I pictured when I was 20 looking forward... .

Of course, in my case all of this is complicated by the fact that I also live with a BPD wife, with comorbid BP, and have literally zero support system other than my therapist.

There is so much more, but I want to keep it semi short for an introduction. Thanks for the space.

[worn_out]

You are definitely between a rock and a hard place. Your marriage has to come first. I had a similar passive, constantly wounded BPD mother, who was jealous of, and vindictive towards, both her daughters and daughters'-in-law. It was a no-win situation. Your therapist's advice is excellent. As time goes on, you may find it relief to have less contact with your mother.

[Mooberry]

Hi!  I'm new here too. 

I hear that death is such a relief, and my therapist tells me that it's ok to be hopeful for my mother's natural death or eventual relational death.  I've hoped in the past that I do something so horrible that she refuses to speak to me... .it gives me a reason to never talk to her again.  Unfortunately, I still live with her.  She is financially dependent on me.

My guilt for even leaving the house is so extreme it makes me physically ill.  That's what they do- you know.  For our whole lives they groom an intense feeling of guilt so that we never leave them because we are so afraid at what might happen.  My family is convinced mine will self implode.  It's hard to worry about ourselves when we are given parents who are really our children.

Make sure you get in some time to take care of yourself.  Coffee is how I survive life.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the boards.  I am glad you found us as so many of us can relate to your situation.  Everyone on this board has a relative with BPD or assumed BPD, but we also have boards to help those in romantic relationships with pwBPD (people with BPD).  At some point you may want to check out those boards as well though many who post there eventually end up on this board.

Be assured that you have found a safe place where you will received support, validation and guidance as you navigate your way through these difficult relationships.  We care and we can be part of your support system in addition to your T. 

When you are ready, a good place to start is to look through the Lessons at the top of this board.  You will find many articles that can help explain BPD behaviors and tools to help you communicate in ways that can often reduce conflict.  Understanding BPD behaviors is important to help *you* put their behaviors in context and depersonalize them, at least to the extent possible. 

Okay, I am resisting the urge to give you even more links to read through.  I hope you feel comfortable to roam the site and post as you feel the need.  Things do get better.  You may not be able to change them but you can certainly change things at your end and in doing so make life easier.

Hope to see you around.

[flusteredincny]

Thank  you everyone - I have found the lessons, and many more resources on this site. It will give me lots to read through.

A quick update on Mother's day. As I said, mom had gone incommunicado after our last talk on Friday that ended badly. She did not respond to my calls or text over the weekend. Turns out my wife (BPD as well) texted her and she didnt respond to my wife either. (This triggered my wife's BPD, and shes gone silent for the last 24h).

But yesterday was my father's birthday, so I decided to call him (Directly on his cell). Had a nice, normal, pleasant conversation. It was actually a relief. Then I heard my mother in the background. At the end of the call Dad said "so, do you want to talk to mom... ." I thought - no not really... .but I didn't want to 'make it worse' so I did.

She was all normal, like nothing had happened. So I asked her about the fact that she didnt take my call or reply to my text. "Oh, I just saw them this morning, I even got one from your wife. I just replied a little while ago, I left my phone in my purse and did not see any of them". I try to keep our phone calls short so I got off after a bit.

Dammit. Plausible explanation. She does do that (leave her phone off, uncharged, lost in the car, etc) sometimes. But did she this time? I dont know, I dont care. My wife does though, and I can tell shes still pissed and has "split" my mom into "bad" again, is depressed bad, and not speaking to anyone.  Hell she came home from work yesterday and slept until bedtime. All over a missed text.

I go to the therapist today. Thank god. I really dont know how much more of this I can take from both sides. I have constant "fantasies" about leaving everything and everyone and heading west. Or south. Or anywhere.

Lots of good reading on here, and a few books Im working through as well. Almost too much.