She doesn't have a job, stays up late, and then sleeps on the couch all day.

[Vapor]

Hi,
So I'm new to this. My wife and I have been married for 13 years. Sometime back we attended counseling at her request.   A few sessions in she walked out and refused to go back.   Our counselor suggested to me that she has BPD.

I took a business trip to Italy awhile back,   she took a bunch of pills and ended up in a pshyc 3 day evaluation.  We haven't slept in the same bed in years.  We don't fight but that's because I do everything I can to avoid it.  I appease her in every way just sowe're don't fight.

She doesn't have a job, stays up late and then sleeps on the couch all day.

I'm tired.  I'm 52 and want to start enjoying life.  I want to do it with her but honestly I don't think that will ever happen.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NGU]

Welcome Vapor.

You sound pretty dejected about this, especially in regard to the prospect of a more relaxing future.

Your counselor suggested it was BPD and you say you're new to this. By chance have you had time to look at the list of BPD traits? (Also known as diagnostic criteria.)

For example, the fact she took pills during your business trip reminded me of the first item on the list... .
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

You mentioned you appease her in every way, and that you don't fight. Would you mind going into a little detail on what you do? I'm confident that it will give other members more to latch on to as they reply.

Thanks,
-ngu

[Speck]

Welcome, Vapor!



Let me join NGU in welcoming you here to bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful. It helps to know that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

I'm tired.  I'm 52 and want to start enjoying life.  I want to do it with her but honestly I don't think that will ever happen.

I am so sorry you are faced with this. Even so, I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your wife. In my opinion, that's true love. This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

Do you still have access to a therapist? If not, one can help you re-frame your emotional landscape into something more manageable, so that you are able to process this stuff safely. In my case, as soon as my wife left me (for the fourth time), I called a therapist. A month later, I joined this site and started participating in the tools, lessons, and discussions. I also make sure to get adequate rest, sleep, and exercise. I'm feeling better every day because I keep doing what works (re-read this paragraph!). You can start to feel better, too, and I sure hope this is the case.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support to be found here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Tell us more about yourself and your story. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. Also, it may be helpful to you (and others) if you were to join other discussions/threads. Active camaraderie can be very healing and may be the little bit of magic that you're looking for. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[tlc232]

Vapor --

Just caught this post because the title and your input was so close to my own situation.   Wanted to reach out to see if you are still out there.   I think we may help each other.   

I had a 14 year relationship (met him 2 years after my husband passed... .and likely found acceptable and overlooked red flags simply because of where I was back then) that had sucked the life out of me.   The last several years were the worst, with all of life heaped on my shoulders to try to keep us both afloat and moving forward (along with trying to keep my business going).   

Lots of similarities --- it helps to talk online with someone who has been through some of what you may have or are still going through.    I have been separated from him since Oct 2017... .and NC about 2-3 mos now.    It helps but is a challenge to start over.     And you are completely right -- I am exhausted... .mentally and physically.

Hope you are doing okay... .   Your processing helps others too... .we are all not wanting to do this alone.     

[isilme]

Hi Vapor,

Welcome.  I've been using this site for a while and it's been very helpful to me.  People on here "get it" because we've all lived with similar degrees of what you may be experiencing, and are able to be a bit more supportive than people who've never really encountered BPD.

That said, what do you LIKE to do?  What do you want or need to enjoy life?  Are you like many of us (me, ) who have taken on a large load of the adulting-burden in your day to day lives, just to keep drama low and make sure the bills get paid? 

I find it helps me to look at my H as having a disability - an emotional one to be sure, but no less real or serious than if he was unable to walk.

We are in our 40s, been together since we were 18 and 19, and things other couples take for granted can be such an uphill battle when BPD is involved.  Disagreements can turn into huge bouts of rage on a dime, from a simple choice of words, a perceived tone, a gesture, you name it.  Much of the time I know I am sitting there, just shocked that a conversation has become yelling over nothing.  Nothing at all.  All because he is missing some set of skills to help him acknowledge, process and deal with his emotions in a better way.  I feel like I am a prosthetic, an external "emotion-organ" at times, there for him to pour his emotions into so he can be free of them, dumping them onto me to process FOR him. 

Please read the MANY articles on here, and share your story as much as you are comfortable, and join in conversations with the other posters.  We all benefit from talking about our own pain, and also from seeing if we can at least listen to the pain of others.  Validation and catharsis are needed, and this is a good place for it.  Once you can share some more specific instances of your life together, people can assist by suggesting new strategies to try, new ways to communicate, and letting you see her feelings are hers, not yours, and it's okay to have divergent emotions AND to leave her be while she tries to manage hers. 

One last thing for now - BPD can exist with many other conditions.  Her lack of motivation and poor sleep patterns are also indicative of depression.  I have never shared my BPD suspicions with my H.  In many cases, such sharing backfires and YOU are accused of having BPD instead.  But depression has less stigma, and you can openly try to work with her on her depression.