When is financial support codependent

[Toothdoc]

I adopted my daughter at age seven. Her childhood included neglect, malnourishment, poverty, alcohol abuse and sexual abuse. She is now 30. She has struggled with many issues since her teens, but has recently become much worse and unable to work. She takes her meds and is in a day treatment program, has Medicaid and food stamps, but no other support. She lives in a different state. My husband, her step father, thinks that paying her rent etc, will discourage her from going back to work. How can I let her become homeless?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

hi Toothdoc and

the literature will tell you that support, and a strong support system are critical in recovery. what that means on your end is very personal and unique, of course. i can understand your husbands view. i can understand yours too. has your daughter asked for your help financially?

can you tell us more about how shes struggling presently? what led to her being unable to work?

can you tell us more about the day treatment program?

[Turkish]

 I'm adopted and understand that adopted kids come from dysfunctional backgrounds of varying degrees.  Even in the best of homes, kids can struggle with the ghosts of childhood traumas.  It's horrible what happened to her, but you provided for her so much better and it's sad that she's still struggling so.

Maybe the views of you and your husband aren't as extreme: paying rent indefinitely might not encourage her to find work, and not paying may or may not result in her being homeless.  She's sick and needs help, but she also has a responsibility in her own healing or at least to seek help and it must be hard for you so far away.  It would indeed be good to know more of what's going on so senior members here can best support and guide you based upon their experiences.

[jones54]

I believe every situation is different. My BPD daughter eventually became homeless earlier this year. She is an addict as well but was capable of working. For her mother and I this became our only choice since we had supported her for years. Enabling is when you do something for the person who could do it for themselves. I do not know your daughter's situation but mine was capable and the therapist we worked with said let her be homeless. She finally broke down and is now in rehab. One thing I struggled with was, due to her mental illness that was a reason she needed to be helped. The therapist said she knows her issues and if she wants help for this she will seek it out just as she will for her addiction if she wants things better. I am not telling you what to do but for me that is what it came to. Worst thing in my life having my daughter living in a homeless shelter. But she is intelligent (has a degree) and was capable of working. I think she now knows where we stand. I am hopeful she will stay the course and take care of herself. She is 33 years old. Old enough to be on her own.