I'm in a dark place right now, my wife wants to leave with my son

[LovingDad]

Hi,

Things aren't going well. In my other post you could read I'm trying new behavior. This is difficult. Taking my space back in a non treathing way. It's hard to not get into a argument when she twist everything.

Last couple of days I tought things went a little better. Until last night. I live seperate from my wife and I was there to bring my son to bed. Then I found a letter where she asked child services I she can go to Paramaribo with my son to think. Her mother is going back on the 4th of May and she wants to go with her. Also taking my son. She is trying to achieve this behind my back with accusations which aren't true at all.

In the last two weeks almost every time she talks to me I here lies. Confronting her doesn't lead anywhere. I'm not skilled enough yet to deal with it and I'm so tired.

Today is kingsday in Holland. A holiday. In 40 minutes I'm with my son and together with my wife we're going to celebrate this holiday. She doesn't know I have seen the letter.

It feels like I can't do anything till next monday. Than I can call my lawyer and child services for advice. It is going to be some difficult days. It lookt like I lost her completly. I don't even know if I still love her. Her actions towards me are horrible and I'm a decent man.

I feel beaten and broken right know. Thanks for listening.

[Harley Quinn]

LovingDad that has to have been an awful shock for you.  When you say you saw the letter, does that mean it hasn't been sent?

Did you get any impression how long she wants to leave for?  With regards to the allegations that she is making, are you able to disprove them?

It might be worth a call to your lawyer if you get the chance, just to get a feel for how to handle the situation (if it arises) and to be clear on your legal rights around your son's care. 

I'm sorry that you're going through this.  If this letter hasn't been acted upon yet, then try to remember that she may have written this when in an emotional frame of mind and could yet reconsider that decision.  Spending the day with your son sounds like the perfect way to spend your time right now.  Try to enjoy every minute and be patient with yourself when it comes to communicating with your wife.  Allow yourself to be fully present with them today and put all else out of your mind.  I know that's easier said than done if you are worried about this.  Embrace today though and let us know how it goes.

Love and light x

[LovingDad]

Hi,

I don't know if the letter is sent. I don't know how longs she wants to go. I only know that when she is there and she decides not to come back, I probably have lost my son forever. A horrible scenario.

Here aggusations are all interpretations. Nothing is solid and I think I can show that it isn't through. I'm not really scarred for child services giving approval. Taking a kid out of his safe and known enviroment and away from his legal dad isn't good for him. I think they will she that.

I'm more afraid of what is next. Would she be prepared to kidnap my kid. She says she is a Christian but this actions are not the one of a Christian.

Today I spent about 7 hours with my son. There where times I could really enjoy it, there where times I was almost throwing up because of the hypocrisy my wife and her mother played. When I left they gave me food. Normally I'm really thankful about such things, now I really had to play that.

It was an exhausting day.

Greetings,

LovingDad

[livednlearned]

Hi LovingDad,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and that you're on the receiving end of these allegations. A truly low point

Does your son have a passport, or even need one to travel out of the country? If so, perhaps you can find his passport and put it in a safety deposit box.

Where I live, a parent traveling solo with a minor child must have a notarized affidavit permitting international travel. I can also contact customs and alert them about the custody situation. For that to have any impact, I had to have an active custody case filed with the court.

Were you aware that your wife filed false allegations with child services? It seems a bit strange to ask child services for permission to go to another country to think. 

It suggests that she has not contacted a lawyer, and that she may be naive about how things work where you live. That could be a good thing... .

Since she is from another country and is thinking about taking your son to another country, it's important to find out if Suriname is part of the Hague Treaty. When it comes to child abductions, each country will have different agreements about how they handle custody. If Suriname does not have an agreement, it would be difficult to get any kind of cooperation from authorities. For my native country, which follows the strictest interpretation of the Hague Treat, family law courts follows the custodial order in the country of origin, so a judge would interpret the document as though we were in my naturalized country.

What are the false allegations that your wife is making about you?

[ForeverDad]

Here is a list of Hague Convention (possibly too on International Child Abduction) but, as LnL noted, member countries have different levels of obligations for the various agreements and different levels of compliance.

https://www.hcch.net/en/states/hcch-members

Holding your child's passport in safekeeping or escrow is a good strategy.  So is getting a court order prohibiting the child from leaving the area of the court's jurisdiction.  Yes, mother may shed tears saying he child needs to see relatives back in the other country, but frankly a young child doesn't have to visit somewhere, especially not just as the unwinding of the marriage is just starting.

Having the passport in safekeeping may not be enough if your child has dual citizenship.  Mother could possibly go to an embassy and get a replacement passport.

It is good that you may have up to a week to figure things out.  Probably best not to confront your spouse, at least not before you consult with your lawyer since she may overreact and decide to make allegations or disappear sooner.  Maybe she won't make allegations, but around here we have had to accept that many people with BPD (pwBPD) have no qualms about saying or doing virtually anything that a reasonably normal person would never contemplate.

Did you make a copy or take a photo of the letter?  This could be part of your 'documentation' to strengthen your case but at least you could share it with your lawyer.  If you later say you saw such a letter and she denies it, would you have proof?

In the short term, it doesn't matter whether you love your spouse or not.  Your parenting will be impacted to some extent in a divorce, how much you just don't know yet, so you need to consider practical strategies to protect yourself, both from allegations and from attacks on your parenting.

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy and Randi Kreger?  It is an essential handbook around here.  Of course some details may not apply in your country but much of the perspectives, legal advice and strategies should be beneficial to you.

[LovingDad]

Hi,

A short reply. Thanks for all the reactions. Later I will give a larger reply. In two hours I'm with my son and wife again. Still real tired, so I go rest a bit now.

I know Suriname isn't part of the Hague treaty. That is one of my biggest concerns.

LovingDad

[livednlearned]

It's admirable that you are trying so hard to work on communication and relationship skills with your wife. It must make things even harder to have your wife's mother living there, and having BPD herself. The best scenario would be for the mother-in-law to return home so you can continue to work on things without her (likely negative) influence.

Does your son have a passport? He is under the age of 5?

If he doesn't yet have one, and requires one to enter Suriname, there may be a passport issuance alert program that can help signal any attempts to get one. There is something similar in the United States.

A quick Internet search suggests a notarized copy of consent from the left-behind parent is needed for a minor child to enter Suriname. I don't know how they verify false documents, if it came to your wife doing that.

It's hard to hear that your wife was planning to leave without telling you, but it's fortunate that you learned how far she is willing to go if it comes to that.

Do you know whether your mother-in-law has her ticket for May 4?

[LovingDad]

Hi everyone,

My son has he's own passport and it is right that there is a form that I have to sign before she can fly with my son to Suriname.

Just about an hour ago she asked me to sign that document. She said that my son and she needed a vacation and that she already had bought the tickets. She put my in front of the block, but of course I didn't sign. If my son is in Suriname and she decides not to come back, than most likely I lost him forever. I cannot allow that to happen.

She can still falsify my signature and go. So today I sought out what to do with that. I can make the customs scan for my sons passport for five days. So when I let them start on wednesday, I have covert for friday and the to days before and after.

I don't know for 100% sure if my mother in law will go on the 4st. It is wat was standing in the letter. I truly hope she will go. That would make it a lot easier. Still hard, but easier.

Right now it is 11 pm her and tomorrow my son, my wife and I are going to a monkey zoo. So it is time to take some sleep. Tomorrow will be a day to be strong again.

Oh yeah, because I said no. They treathen to go to court, to get single parenting for my son. I lost my role at that moment and told them to 'bring it on'. It stays hard to always be kind and emphatic.

Greetings

[ForeverDad]

Oh yeah, because I said no. They threaten to go to court, to get single parenting for my son. I lost my role at that moment and told them to 'bring it on'. It stays hard to always be kind and emphatic.

They hope you'll be intimidated by the threat of court.  Actually, it is court that will establish rules and schedules for each parent.  If you present a good case for yourself as a stable person and caring parent then you will probably walk out with more than your spouse would give you.

It is so hard to keep our emotions calm and not get triggered.  It's like they're pushing our buttons hoping we will "lose our cool" and give them an excuse to claim, "See, he's out of control, controlling and not a good parent!"  So any time you're being taunted just take a few deep breaths and remember that though they claim to be the authorities, the Real Authority is family court.  That's what counts.  Court may not be fair but is is surely "less unfair" than the crumbs your disordered spouse will allow.

[LovingDad]

ForeverDad, thank you for your message. It is helpfull.

Today again I had a long outing with my son and my wife to a amusement park. My son had a great time, even when it rained.

For me it was a exhausting outing. My wife has set my son up against my. He asked me several times today to sign the form so they could go to Suriname. Every time I told him I can't do that.

I'm simple not sure if they will come back. But it makes my skin cross that she is using our son like this. So there was a lot of tention between my wife and me. Later on the day it became less. But again, right now I'm so tired.

Life feels like a long uphill climb and I'm only just started. Staying strong is the only thing I can do for today. Tomorrow I have to make some phone calls to get more advice and after that I have to do the right thing. I pray for strength.

Greetings

[ForeverDad]

Your son is four years old.  How much do you remember from when you were four?  Yeah, not much.  Young children don't need a lot, just good times overall.

As an example, I took my son to Disneyworld when he was about 8 years old.  Besides all the walking around we rode three rides all day as I recall, it was that crowded.  Finally when the fireworks were about to start we rode Space Mountain three times.  That last hour made up for that long day.  But it cost us $100 each, probably paid for parking too.  And I don't hear him talking about it since.  Less than a half hour away from home I can go to the local amusement park, rides and wave pools, all season for that money and parking is included.

My point?  One special place or even a vacation is not a priority for a preschooler.  Those memories blend into a background of memories and impressions that help build who he becomes.  Sadly, she has chosen this trip at precisely the wrong time, at the start of a separation.  Your stance, which makes sense to everyone but her (and an influenced child), is that any major trips need to be arranged after the parenting and schedule issued are established.

Perhaps you can phrase it as premature, son does't travel without both parents until the pending matters of court orders is addressed.  That's where you can express your concerns about her possibly taking him away and not returning.  I don't know how your court will handle it but your theme needs to be "I just need to know my son will return if he does travel halfway across the world."

By the way, she is welcome to travel, so is her mother, you're not opposing the adults traveling wherever, but your boundary is that your young child doesn't travel, at least for now, since you don't trust he will be returned.

[LovingDad]

Hi everyone,

Today I'm trying to figure out all I can do and have to do. This is an exhausting day.

For hours now I'm waiting for Phone calls from the police and child services. Tomorrow I will have an appointment with my lawyer.

Furthermore in 2 1/2 hours I will be with my son again. Probably going through some tough hours. It is nice to see him again, but it is difficult to face my wife an mother-in-law again. Tomorrow will be a day I won't have to face them, but I will also not see my son. So each day has it own difficulties.

I try to be strong again.

I spoke to child services this morning and they will not allow her to go. The only way she can go is to falsify my signature.

Greetings.

[LovingDad]

Hi,

My wife found out that I have had contact with child services and that I'm afraid she will kipnapp my son. I can't believe child services has told her that or maybe my wife just said it to hear me out. On the phone call I didn't react on it.

Today I had a videochat with my son. Yesterday they where not home. This is a big escalation. She is sending all these text messages. Calling me names again, making threats and all. Very exhausting, but I have to stay strong and remain calm. Even now when she is keeping me from having face-to-face contact with my son. I think I have to let her self suit right now! Am I right?

I'm glad I have found this board to right my feelings and stuff down. It feels like a really hard time, but on the other I feel I'm growing stronger.

Today I managed to get the police to make sure that my son can't fly to another country until May 18th. That brings a little quiet.

I truly hope her mother will leave next Friday and she will come to her senses at least a little bit. I'm also afraid a divorce is all there is left for me. Today I talked about this with my lawyer. It is a painfull feeling, but I can't do this fake preformance to my son anymore. I love the wife I have known, but she seems far gone. I feel broken, but also a bit stronger. It is strange to have all these feelings mixing up together.

The story will probably continue.

Greetings.

[Panda39]

Hi LovingDad,

Document the threats... .save Texts, emails, take notes on the phone calls you may need this information later to document a pattern of behavior on the part of your wife.

Hang in there,
Panda39