Birthday crisis

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ladies and Gents,
I share my story here in order to do a reality check and not to loose my own sense of sanity. It also helps to read my earlier posts and realize how much pain and anguish I go through monthly and weekly. It helps with weighing pros and cons. Today I celebrate my birthday, happy birthday to me... .not. Every year my uBPDh dysregulates to the point that I’m left in tears and dreading it. This year is no exception. I made up my mind to come and see the family and spend a day with them. We are currently stationed at his  other “home/work” situation. After a long day after work he comes home to a bachelor lifestyle: hockey, movies, food and very little interaction with me. He isn’t interested in his children, nor does he show much interest in me, Other then expecting massages, dinner and sexual pleasures on his own demand. I am growing tired of it, yes, he is still the same man he was when we were home, only now instead of playing hockey and realizing testosterone on ice he is watching it and splitting on me after every game. Instead of seeing his kids in passing throughout the day he completely ignores their existence. Instead of spending weekend quality time with his family he wants to go to church... .all the things he used to do to blend in, every effort he has ever made to mind and be a part of the family is now gone. His heart is definitely isn’t growing fonder from the far.
As our departure mood approached, his mood was dropping proportionally. Snapping, threatening and intimidating increased. Last night we left the other city to come home. I was trying to give him space and validate every time he spoke, but I wasn’t equipped to deal with this latest outburst.
Here is the backdrop story: he never gives me surprises or birthday presents on time. It’s always either before or after. This year, his np decided that he needed to “match” his friend that purchases expensive jewelry for his wife. His friwnd buys it because he can afford it, my uBPDh borrowed money from his business partner and was hoping to sell his stock shares to cover the present. That was a month ago. He never actually got to selling and now he has to repay his business partner. That triggered an overwhelming dysregulation, anger and resentment towards me. No, I wasn’t asking for this gift. Yes, it’s beautiful. No, the consequences outweigh the meaning of the present. I was fine before and I will be fine after without this present. In the car, I was trying to work out the logistics of paying back his partner, he demanded that I withdraw the remaining funds I have in our mutual bank account as an advance to pay back his partner. It’s all I have to cover household bills, and that I all I’m going to get from him. He still has his stock shares, which actually increased in value, yet, now he doesn’t want to sell them.? After a few probing questions he swang the car onto the closest gas station and demanded me to go to the back seat. Or he would move to the back seat. From my training with the T I remembered that he needs to bear the consequences of his actions, not me subjecting myself to his manipulations. So I told him in a set form: I can see that you are angry. Anyone would be upset if they had such a large amount to repay. But the truth it, we don’t speak to each other rudely, nor do we silent treat each other. I get car sick at the back, so I will stay on the front passenger seat”.
He proceeded to climb back and we set there for hood 20 min. When I realized that it was getting late I moved to the drivers seat and drove out home. He was DJaing at the back, putting hard rock masochistic songs, clearly reflecting his inner state. When our daughter called to ask if she can stay home tomorrow since it’s my birthday he started to tell, that she should quit and it will be cheaper for him. Just then a big truck drove past me, I was going slightly over the speed limit, as it was pitch black, and there were zigzags and turns every so often. I didn’t feel comfortable speeding for the concern of our safety. I’ve never previously driven that far in the middle of the night. As soon as he saw the truck something got triggered and he began to yell at my ear, that I’m an animal, that I’m worthless human being and he will “show me a birthday I will never forget. The kinds of insults he was spitting for the next 5 min I don’t even want to mention. In the midst of it all I didn’t realize that my d14 was still on the line when he was yelling. All I did was with both hands sturdy on the wheel and my eyes locked on the road, as calmly as I could I was saying “we don’t insult each other, we don’t raise our voice at each other” while praying inside that he doesn’t smack me on the shoulder or hand as he did in the past (painfully 4-5 times). He then said in a very disturbing voice “do you want me to open the door? Do you want me to jump out? So you will deal with al of the issues alone?” I didn’t expect this, nor did I reply. What could o say at that moment? I could use your insight for the future.
I managed to drive us home safely, and crushed from emotional fear and physical exhaustion. I can no longer deny that I’m being emotionally and psychologically abused. If he would start hitting me from the back I would not be surprised. He smacked me before, the escalation of abuse is only to be expected. I didn’t reply anything other then my boundaries. Frankly, he is an adult who bought a very expensive gift to his wife. At the age of 45 a person needs to know that he will have to make arrangements to pay back. I don’t care for the gift, I would return it to the store if I could, to spare myself with this madness. I’m not sure if validating his anger and frustration was helpful. I could use your advice on how to proceed. We have my friends coming tonight, he will surely throw something else later on

[snowglobe]

Ladies and Gents,
I share my story here in order to do a reality check and not to loose my own sense of sanity. It also helps to read my earlier posts and realize how much pain and anguish I go through monthly and weekly. It helps with weighing pros and cons. Today I celebrate my birthday, happy birthday to me... .not. Every year my uBPDh dysregulates to the point that I’m left in tears and dreading it. This year is no exception. I made up my mind to come and see the family and spend a day with them. We are currently stationed at his  other “home/work” situation. After a long day after work he comes home to a bachelor lifestyle: hockey, movies, food and very little interaction with me. He isn’t interested in his children, nor does he show much interest in me, Other then expecting massages, dinner and sexual pleasures on his own demand. I am growing tired of it, yes, he is still the same man he was when we were home, only now instead of playing hockey and realizing testosterone on ice he is watching it and splitting on me after every game. Instead of seeing his kids in passing throughout the day he completely ignores their existence. Instead of spending weekend quality time with his family he wants to go to church... .all the things he used to do to blend in, every effort he has ever made to mind and be a part of the family is now gone. His heart is definitely isn’t growing fonder from the far.
As our departure mood approached, his mood was dropping proportionally. Snapping, threatening and intimidating increased. Last night we left the other city to come home. I was trying to give him space and validate every time he spoke, but I wasn’t equipped to deal with this latest outburst.
Here is the backdrop story: he never gives me surprises or birthday presents on time. It’s always either before or after. This year, his np decided that he needed to “match” his friend that purchases expensive jewelry for his wife. His friwnd buys it because he can afford it, my uBPDh borrowed money from his business partner and was hoping to sell his stock shares to cover the present. That was a month ago. He never actually got to selling and now he has to repay his business partner. That triggered an overwhelming dysregulation, anger and resentment towards me. No, I wasn’t asking for this gift. Yes, it’s beautiful. No, the consequences outweigh the meaning of the present. I was fine before and I will be fine after without this present. In the car, I was trying to work out the logistics of paying back his partner, he demanded that I withdraw the remaining funds I have in our mutual bank account as an advance to pay back his partner. It’s all I have to cover household bills, and that I all I’m going to get from him. He still has his stock shares, which actually increased in value, yet, now he doesn’t want to sell them.? After a few probing questions he swang the car onto the closest gas station and demanded me to go to the back seat. Or he would move to the back seat. From my training with the T I remembered that he needs to bear the consequences of his actions, not me subjecting myself to his manipulations. So I told him in a set form: I can see that you are angry. Anyone would be upset if they had such a large amount to repay. But the truth it, we don’t speak to each other rudely, nor do we silent treat each other. I get car sick at the back, so I will stay on the front passenger seat”.
He proceeded to climb back and we set there for hood 20 min. When I realized that it was getting late I moved to the drivers seat and drove out home. He was DJaing at the back, putting hard rock masochistic songs, clearly reflecting his inner state. When our daughter called to ask if she can stay home tomorrow since it’s my birthday he started to tell, that she should quit and it will be cheaper for him. Just then a big truck drove past me, I was going slightly over the speed limit, as it was pitch black, and there were zigzags and turns every so often. I didn’t feel comfortable speeding for the concern of our safety. I’ve never previously driven that far in the middle of the night. As soon as he saw the truck something got triggered and he began to yell at my ear, that I’m an animal, that I’m worthless human being and he will “show me a birthday I will never forget. The kinds of insults he was spitting for the next 5 min I don’t even want to mention. In the midst of it all I didn’t realize that my d14 was still on the line when he was yelling. All I did was with both hands sturdy on the wheel and my eyes locked on the road, as calmly as I could I was saying “we don’t insult each other, we don’t raise our voice at each other” while praying inside that he doesn’t smack me on the shoulder or hand as he did in the past (painfully 4-5 times). He then said in a very disturbing voice “do you want me to open the door? Do you want me to jump out? So you will deal with al of the issues alone?” I didn’t expect this, nor did I reply. What could o say at that moment? I could use your insight for the future.
I managed to drive us home safely, and crushed from emotional fear and physical exhaustion. I can no longer deny that I’m being emotionally and psychologically abused. If he would start hitting me from the back I would not be surprised. He smacked me before, the escalation of abuse is only to be expected. I didn’t reply anything other then my boundaries. Frankly, he is an adult who bought a very expensive gift to his wife. At the age of 45 a person needs to know that he will have to make arrangements to pay back. I don’t care for the gift, I would return it to the store if I could, to spare myself with this madness. I’m not sure if validating his anger and frustration was helpful. I could use your advice on how to proceed. We have my friends coming tonight, he will surely throw something else later on

[formflier]

A few comments... .     

Happy Birthday!  I'm glad you are using milestones as measuring points.  What do you want your life to be like a year from now?  It can get better.

  In the car, I was trying to work out the logistics of paying back his partner, he demanded that I withdraw the remaining funds I have in our mutual bank account as an advance to pay back his partner. It’s all I have to cover household bills, and that I all I’m going to get from him.

So... can you let us know what the present was?  Can you roughly estimate value?

I got the impression there was lots of money floating around... .so I was surprised that he had to borrow money... .

How/why did you get involved in his business finances?  Wouldn't it be better to let him go through the learning process of make decision, experience impact of decision, make decision based on experience next time?  Perhaps he figures out he doesn't like paying back his partner... .and chooses not to do that next time.

From my training with the T I remembered that he needs to bear the consequences of his actions, not me subjecting myself to his manipulations. So I told him in a set form: I can see that you are angry. Anyone would be upset if they had such a large amount to repay. But the truth it, we don’t speak to each other rudely, nor do we silent treat each other. I get car sick at the back, so I will stay on the front passenger seat”.

   

I'm so happy and proud of you taking this step!  This seems huge.  Did it seem huge to you?

 
So... .a car is not a prison.  I thought as you did for a while that I should focus on driving safely and ignore a dysregulated person.  The problem is they have an audience... and they know it.

Much better to pull over, take the keys and go for walk.  Let them know if they are calm you will return and continue to drive.

For me... .I did it a few times with kids in car.  Left a yelling Mommy in car with wide eyed kids.  Note... .today I would likely send kids out for walk as well.

Luckily... .it's been a couple years since there has been a car issue.


Thoughts?

[snowglobe]

A few comments... .     

Happy Birthday!  I'm glad you are using milestones as measuring points.  What do you want your life to be like a year from now?  It can get better.

So... can you let us know what the present was?  Can you roughly estimate value?

I got the impression there was lots of money floating around... .so I was surprised that he had to borrow money... .

How/why did you get involved in his business finances?  Wouldn't it be better to let him go through the learning process of make decision, experience impact of decision, make decision based on experience next time?  Perhaps he figures out he doesn't like paying back his partner... .and chooses not to do that next time.



   

I'm so happy and proud of you taking this step!  This seems huge.  Did it seem huge to you?

 
So... .a car is not a prison.  I thought as you did for a while that I should focus on driving safely and ignore a dysregulated person.  The problem is they have an audience... and they know it.

Much better to pull over, take the keys and go for walk.  Let them know if they are calm you will return and continue to drive.

For me... .I did it a few times with kids in car.  Left a yelling Mommy in car with wide eyed kids.  Note... .today I would likely send kids out for walk as well.

Luckily... .it's been a couple years since there has been a car issue.


Thoughts?

Dear @formflier- thank you for the birthday wishes! I have some steady live pouring from my friends, it’s a dribble comparing to what I was hoping to get from my uBPDh.
Next year I hope to be employed, and not to be yelled at nor insulted, I hope to have a person by my side who would make me feel special, loved and appreciated. I hope to gain a sense of self awareness, that I’m my own person and need to focus on my well being. I hope to over come separation anxiety and codependency, to see that I really don’t need him, since I’m doing most on my own anyway.

He hot me very expensive jewels, in the amount of condo down payment. Yes, there are hypothetical money floating around, it’s all “paper rich” and can only become actual money should he choose to liquidate it. I get only very little amount monthly, thus keeping me on a tight leash. I had to put my T sessions on pause as I can no longer maintain weekly sessions financially. He is tightening the screws.

I did not get involved in the business finances, it actually has nothing to do with business. He borrowed a larger amount of money for jewelry from his business partner. His business partner’s personal funds. He now has to pay it back, as it’s my birthday, and he gave the the gifts. To repay the amount he borrowed he was supposed to liquidate his stock shares. The stock shares were lower when he borrowed, and he was ready to sell. Now, that he is splitting, he doesn’t want to sell, and consideres it a poor decision on his part.

The driving part was huge for me, thank you for the praise. It took me several circles to come down enough to drive. His choice for music
Was also intimidating tactic, songs about male supremacy, domination, in a manner of “die b&$ch” were distracting and distressing. His threat to jump out was huddling, it’s a new one. I didn’t validate it, just ignored.

[formflier]

OK... let's not split hairs about business and personal finances.

He made a decision... it appears, without your agreement.  Right?

He had a plan to repay.  Right?

He seems to have changed his mind.  Right?

I don't understand where you get involved... that is in anyway healthy.

Let him experience the impact of changing his mind... .do not save him from this

I'm very concerned that you are pausing T.

What can be done to generate cash to restart this?

Why not return or sell the jewels? 

FF

[snowglobe]

OK... let's not split hairs about business and personal finances.

He made a decision... it appears, without your agreement.  Right?

He had a plan to repay.  Right?

He seems to have changed his mind.  Right?

I don't understand where you get involved... that is in anyway healthy.

Let him experience the impact of changing his mind... .do not save him from this

I'm very concerned that you are pausing T.

What can be done to generate cash to restart this?

Why not return or sell the jewels? 

FF

When he was purchasing I knew that we didn’t have the full amount to cover it. It was his decision and full initiative. When I asked him how was he planning to cover it; his reply was “don’t worry about it”, I got it all planned and figured out. I’m not getting involved, he is splitting on me because he doesn’t want to liquidate his assets. If I were to bring the jewels back, we would likely loose 1/3 of the value he paid for them. Even then, it would have to be with his permission. Otherwise I can’t imagine what he might do.
I don’t have any income separate from what he earns and contributes. I’ve been thinking over about getting a job, so I can become financially independent of him. In truth, I’m scared of what the T is telling me, so I’m not 100% commited. She is very blunt and every time we speak of my uBPDh she tells me that I’m psychologically and emotionally abused. She is encouraging me to consider every option, and tells me about negative consequences for my children that observe the abuse. She doesn’t discuss uBPDh in detail, but taking only his behaviour into consideration she believes there is only one way to stop the abuse- to get out. Every time I try to explore techniques about weathering the storm, she appears reluctant and reminds me of the previous incidents I have shared with her. @formflier, I’m not ready to pull the plug on 17 yo that I’ve invested in. I’m not trying to justify my uBPDh behaviour, but he words like “it seems to be that you want to cure your uBPDh, it’s impossible, and frankly crazy idea. Let’s stop going down to rabbit hole with him trying to “find his triggers”, your husband is abuse and the only way to break the cycle is to start planning your exit strategy”. Work on building new friendships, support group, career, hobbies... .anytime I start going in he direction of her suggestion- he rains in the finances, so I can barely squeeze by”

[formflier]

  he rains in the finances, so I can barely squeeze by”

So... .if that is where it is at.  Why not apply for a job... today!  ?

Or give him the choice.  Listen... .all this financial stuff is more than I can bear.  Without stable finances I can count on, I'll have to sort out my own source of income.

Of course... say you are appreciative... .but... .you need to have some control over your life.  Let him decide first if he is willing to "let go".  He may surprise you.

Then... .take steps to take charge of your life.

Listen:  Another big picture thing.  He is splitting on you, because that works for him and you "participate" on some level.  He gets relief of some sort.

If you step away from splitting... .it will stop working for him.

I mean... .he gave up the drivers seat... right?  You stood your ground... he gave up.

That is the normal way it goes.  Non's don't think it will work, they stand up... .and find out differently.


FF

[snowglobe]

So... .if that is where it is at.  Why not apply for a job... today!  ?

Or give him the choice.  Listen... .all this financial stuff is more than I can bear.  Without stable finances I can count on, I'll have to sort out my own source of income.

Of course... say you are appreciative... .but... .you need to have some control over your life.  Let him decide first if he is willing to "let go".  He may surprise you.

Then... .take steps to take charge of your life.

Listen:  Another big picture thing.  He is splitting on you, because that works for him and you "participate" on some level.  He gets relief of some sort.

If you step away from splitting... .it will stop working for him.

I mean... .he gave up the drivers seat... right?  You stood your ground... he gave up.

That is the normal way it goes.  Non's don't think it will work, they stand up... .and find out differently.


FF

This is my birthday resolution, to see what I’m really made of. I flatter myself being a go getter, I’m resourseful, I can be funny, I have the driving force and energy, I’m also persistent when it comes to reaching a goal, I want to see if I can reach my goal for once. I can keep my school part time, as my kids are 14 and 10. I will have to deligate in terms of logistics. It would not be a solution, more of plugging in the holes. At least I won’t have the dread running through me, that I’m left with no money or means to support myself and the kids. It’s interesting how pwBPD put us in a setuation when you feel as if you have to defend yourself and then ask for complete trust?. Are you serious?

[formflier]

Look at where you are in life?

Starting to make breakthroughs in places where you totally agree you need to, yet what part of your life have you put on hold?

Wouldn't that be the last thing to put on hold? 

Let your money choices follow priorities... right?  Especially when money is tight.

How long since last T appointment?  When is your next appointment scheduled?  If not... .give yourself a present... call today and schedule. 

If you don't know how you will pay for it... .perhaps that will motivate you to take steps and make choices.

FF

[snowglobe]

I’ve been doing my best to not take it personal and understand that the chaos is inside of him. I’ve managed not to react to any of his insults, my voice was very quiet and composed. The louder he yelled, the more steady my voice was getting. I know what to do in case of the present- if he borrowed it, he has an idea of repaying for it. If he will ask for the present back, I’ll give it to him. What I don’t know is what it a fitting consequence of him behaving this way towards me on every birthday. I’m going to do my best to smile and enjoy the company of my friends and close family, my children. I’m mentally preparing myself that the more fun I will have, the more he will be splitting trying to ruin my birthday. Tomorrow when it will be over, I don’t know if I should be going with him... .we are supposed to take adults only vacation for the weekend. I’ve been looking forward to it for a while, our all inclusive vacation on March break was a disaster. He wasn’t taking to me for a week out of 14 days, when he did he was insulting and belittling me in front of the kids. This get away is also due to celebrating our mutual friend’s birthday. He stopped liking them because they don’t flatter him, praise or worship him, as he wants (npd). They still like him, mostly but seriously call him out on his BPDish behaviour. Thus, he doesn’t want to spend time with them calling them “uninteresting”. This trip I now see is under a threat of not going. If he does go, he will be splitting on me in front of everybody or retreat to the hotel room. What would be the best case in this setuation?
Not go- (he gets what he wants, my friends get disappointed, I miss out on having people who actually like and emotionally support me)
Go with him- he is highly probably will be splitting and acting crazy, yet he still kept the arrangement and I got to see my friends and the ocean
Go, but change his ticket to my daughter ( cons- I will go in debt for good and her ticket, accommodations are paid for anyway, pros- I get to spend time with my daughter and my friends, allow him to bear the consequences of his choice aka choosing not to come with me. He will likely call me and lthreaten this his business isn’t going well and he needs to “cut my rashions”.

[snowglobe]

Look at where you are in life?

Starting to make breakthroughs in places where you totally agree you need to, yet what part of your life have you put on hold?

Wouldn't that be the last thing to put on hold? 

Let your money choices follow priorities... right?  Especially when money is tight.

How long since last T appointment?  When is your next appointment scheduled?  If not... .give yourself a present... call today and schedule. 

If you don't know how you will pay for it... .perhaps that will motivate you to take steps and make choices.

FF

I always live under a constant threat of him pulling the plug, it’s been a week since I spoke to her last. I intend to apply for therapy through my university program, my ideal case scenario is to have therapy for me and the kids so we have a chance to heal as a family. My uBPDh has a profound effect not only on myself but also on everyone around. My mom has been crying all day, my dad is dreadful to return home, kids are unusually quiet and frightened. Getting a job will help me to build self esteem, meet other people and get a much needed distraction.

[formflier]

So... .when will you see your therapist again?

Yes... .I'm sticking with this... it concerns me greatly that you are choosing to step away.

FF

[snowglobe]

So... .when will you see your therapist again?

Yes... .I'm sticking with this... it concerns me greatly that you are choosing to step away.

FF

We are scheduled for Monday and Thursday next week. I haven’t cancelled the appointment yet. You are correct in your observation, I’m not in tune with what t is preaching. Adding financial hardship is making me question the fruitfulness of these sessions. Her outlook on my family setuation is rather pessimistic, which is counterproductive for me. I understand in be whole “empowering” speech, and taking responsibility for my life is on top of my list. However, did you ever encounter a therapist who is so persistent on “getting it through to me 1)he is psychologically abuse, 2) you can’t stay because abuse doesn’t stop on your accord, it only Escalades. My reasoning with her is that he is ill, and given the. Right help we have good moments. She isn’t seeing it this way, calling it my projection. That’s why this forum is my outlet, the approach here is the same as if he was physically disabled. Or, perhaps it’s the fear of being disillusioned that halts the therapy, if I realize that he is never going to change, then the 17 years I invested are meaningless

[formflier]

  then the 17 years I invested are meaningless

Ugg... .black white thinking... .horrid... .get it out! 

It's not meaningless... .it's not what you wanted or hoped.  There is a very very very very very very big difference.

Yet you tend to make decisions on how you "think" about things "in the moment".

If it's meaningless... then why put in effort or care... it's all over... so what I decide doesn't matter... .KABOOM... .

from an outside, it might look like "rescuing defeat from the jaws of victory... "

might... .

Listen... .have a frank conversation with your T about your concerns with the therapeutic relationship... .listen.

Ask her to "reflect back" to you what she is hearing and (more importantly) reflect back to her what you hear her saying.

I "think" she is saying that you have a dim future if YOU don't make changes.  And that even if YOU make changes, the level of dysfunction from your H is pretty high.

Yes... .he is like this.  Yes... .you've also trained him to be this way.

I yell at my wife and she gives me massages... .that's how life works.

You have some justifiable fear of the future, because the only way to see how much better your r/s can get... .is to change for the future. 

I yell at my wife... .I get left alone.  No massages.  That makes me angry... .therefore I will...

I speak to my wife kind... .I get her to be with me and give me massages.  That makes me happy... therefor I will.

You (and I ) both know it won't be a smooth ride.  We both know the current path doesn't work.

And... .truthfully... .perhaps a different T is needed (although I doubt it).

Frank talk with T is needed. 

FF

[snowglobe]

@Formflier,
I’m puzzled and confused as my uBPDh was acting bazaar last night. We have arrived home the night before for my birthday celebration. He was well informed that people close to us were invited, my foo was there as well. I need your help to unravel a few things and make a decision not out of fear, but something that will be working in a long run.
He came home from work around 5ish, no happy Birthday, no flowers, nada... .I guess with that insane gift he got a month before he decided that being nice is overrated. I greeted him, he saw the hired help that my parents got to help with the catering. Asked me who it was, I explained, he proceeded to go upstairs, said that he doesn’t want to be destrurbed and that he isn’t coming down. When I tried to interject that it’s our mutual friends and that it’s going to be strange to say the list he contorted “they are coming to you”. With that the preparation continued until 7:30pm, I was anxiously pacing, didn’t know how to approach him. So I just went straight up and told him- “please, come down with me”, and got a “no” in return. Realizing it was fruitless, he wasn’t coming, I went to greet invited guests. As people began to arrive, everyone naturally was asking about him. I just said he isn’t coming tonight. One male friend, particularly concerned, ran up the flight of stairs and stormed our bedroom. As he later described their exchange:he hugged him and told him he missed him, “come on down man”, my uBPDh told him to summon me. As I walked inside of my bedroom my uBPDh said that “if a single soul will enter here, or ask me to come down, I will burn this house down”. With that, he slammed the door and locked it.
Wow, few things, when he splits on me, and I don’t engage, he ampts up the volume, because as he later comments on his behaviour “he wants me to feel the same way he does, and if I don’t look miserable and broken it makes him angry”. What is it? Projection? Psychological abuse?
The party went on, people are, laughed, talked, with a few awkward moments of silence it went better then I expected. People’s loving words somewhat soothed me. As they left I took a shower in my d14 bathroom, but decided that I wasn’t gonna impose on my children and went to my own bedroom where he slept.
Now that’s it’s morning, what do I do? How do I behave? What is not shielding him from the consequences look like? I’m still angry, that he ruins every single Birthday for me. I’m hurt and embarrassed. I also don’t want to layer more emotions for him, as he is backed into the corner. I see it clearly, it’s probably guilt mixed with repulsion he feels for me. How do I approach it in BPD ninja style? We are supposed to leave tomorrow back to his work, do I come after what he pulled on me?

[formflier]

At this point.  I wouldn't bring it up.

Wait till things are calm and discuss it directly and succinctly.

Focus on you and enjoying yourself... .let his fit run its course.

I will write more later... .mobile now.

FF

[snowglobe]

Oh, @formflier, how I need you!
Recent development, as I was cleaning aftermath of last nights party uBPDh came down. Spoke curt and abraptly with my father, who he is normally very pleasant with. Announced that he is leaving to the other city, and demanded that I cancel the tickets to the upcoming trip for him. I said that I will go and pack, he said “you aren’t coming”, my reply “we always travel together” (I can’t fix relationships with distance between us). I can clearly see that he is ashamed of his behaviour and instead of fixing it, chooses to run away. I’m packing as we speak, because when I care down I told him that I’m going, his reply is “I don’t give a bleep” what you do. It’s a positive development, because I didn’t hear a no. Where does it leave us? Formflier, I feel that he is bruding towards “we are different people, we need to break up” phase. How do I stop this bleeding? Should I stay home? Let him go? Based on his crumbling relationships with our children, I know that distance will only serve him to realize that he is guilty, and the marriad of negative emotions will push him to distraction of marriage. Advise please

[formflier]

(I can’t fix relationships with distance between us).

Is this really true? 

Flip it around.  Since I have been close to him... .it's fixed our relationship.  Is this true?

I'm reluctant to give you a stay or go signal.

It would seem that he has given you a signal.

Generally... .when someone is "pushing and pulling"... .if they push... .you push... .but not quite as hard.  If they pull... you pull... .but not quite as hard.

Why make plans if they can be abruptly changed?  What are you training him... .teaching him... .about how and what he has to do in order to spend time with you?

FF

[snowglobe]

Is this really true? 

Flip it around.  Since I have been close to him... .it's fixed our relationship.  Is this true?

I'm reluctant to give you a stay or go signal.

It would seem that he has given you a signal.

Generally... .when someone is "pushing and pulling"... .if they push... .you push... .but not quite as hard.  If they pull... you pull... .but not quite as hard.

Why make plans if they can be abruptly changed?  What are you training him... .teaching him... .about how and what he has to do in order to spend time with you?

FF

You are asking me these questions, and I don’t know what to reply. I know that just being there, present, sitting beside him, not running away or flinching has helped him to calm down in the past.
I don’t know what I’m teaching him, what am I teaching from your objective observation. He again stated that “you aren’t coming”. Do I keep pushing?

[formflier]

. Do I keep pushing?

Perhaps you missed the push pull dynamic.

If he pushes you away... .you push away... .but a lot less.  If he pulls you closer... .you pull too... .just not as hard.

"You are not coming... ."

"You are right... .perhaps some space will help things calm."

FF

[formflier]

I know that just being there, present, sitting beside him, not running away or flinching has helped him to calm down in the past.
 

As compared to... .?

FF

[snowglobe]

Perhaps you missed the push pull dynamic.

If he pushes you away... .you push away... .but a lot less.  If he pulls you closer... .you pull too... .just not as hard.

"You are not coming... ."

"You are right... .perhaps some space will help things calm."

FF

I’m so scared right now, I literally don’t know how I’m going to pull through this on my own. With my son’s disability, household bills, all of it. I also see clearify in your advice, he is pushing, so I need to push too, kind of like stirring the car in the same direction. Formflier, thank you so much

[formflier]

Be gentle... .be kind, especially to yourself and your kids.

Don't predict doom...

Focus on the relationships with your children... .

It's tough to be scared.  Even tougher to be scared and try to cope with that in a different way.  Stay big picture, understand the long term importance of change. 

Be kind to yourself.

FF

[formflier]

Any updates?

Did you end up staying at your parents or going back to the business location with him?

FF

[Radcliff]

Snowglobe,

I'm so sorry for how you're feeling, and for the disappointing birthday.

In your most recent posts, I hear your fear that if you set boundaries and look out for yourself, he will abandon you, or do other frightening things.  That fear feels to real, and so upsetting.  Yet that is exactly what he is counting on.  If you are scared, it makes him feel more secure.  He is doing what works for him.  formflier is offering sound advice.  The person who is being chased in a relationship has the power.  He is pushing you away, so you panic, then run after him, and he feels safe.  This gives him a reward for abusing you.  Ouch.  If you can manage to be even neutral during an exchange like this, you will have achieved a major step towards changing the dynamic.  When he says, "you are not coming," you can say, "Perhaps that's a good idea, I miss the kids and my parents, let me think about that" in a gentle and neutral tone.

Going back to the car situation -- I have had similar experiences to you and formflier in cars.  An appropriate boundary would be to remain safe at all times.  Driving down a highway with someone screaming at you, with you afraid of being hit, is not safe.  Pull over, preferably in a public place like a roadside restaurant where you can get help if he were to drive off.

Regarding the therapist -- it sounds like she is pushing you faster than you are ready.  I agree with formflier's concern about avoiding therapy.  One approach would be to tell her that she is pushing you faster than you feel ready.  Try to find common ground.  Steps like completing your education, etc. are things you would be doing as part of either an exit plan or a "stay" plan.  One needs to build strength in order to exit or stay, and many of the activities are the same.  One thing your therapist might be reacting to is your hope to help your husband get better.  It's a long shot.  He's your only husband, a 17 year relationship, the father of your children.  At this point, you feel like you have to believe in the long shot.  Your therapist does this for a living, and she is playing the odds.  Again, you can probably find common ground if you agree that the priority is working on *you*.  There is a lot of good work you can do with her to build your confidence and strength.  As you get stronger and better at implementing appropriate boundaries, things in your relationship may get better, or worse, depending on how he reacts.  If we, as your cheerleading section, support that right now you're not ready to leave, can you acknowledge that there is a possibility that as you get healthier and stronger you may reach a point where you may choose to do so?

Tell us about school.  Are you in a class now?  When does the next term start?  Can you take a class this summer?

WW

[formflier]

Regarding the therapist -- it sounds like she is pushing you faster than you are ready. 

I hadn't considered this angle.

Whatever the reasons... .please have a frank conversation about your concerns with therapy and the direction of therapy? 

When she talks/explains... listen... .reflect back... .make sure you have gotten it right.

If things sound horrible... .ask for specifics... .details... .  Is she saying stuff specific to your relationship or in general about "high conflict" relationships.  If in general... well... .you know the score there... right? 

Most don't get treatment...

Drawing a new map for life is hard.  Walking it is harder... .keep up the good work. 

FF

[snowglobe]

@formflier and @wentworh,
Thank you for being here, it’s my first time since last morning that I can look at my phone screen. Here is the preceding events. The day following my birthday he was playing his favourite victim card, not coming down, not interacting, no eating or drinking. Everyone including my parents tried to get him to drink something, because last time he ate was Thursday. I kept on approaching him, being ignored of debugged, so I left. He kept on saying “I’m leaving, I have nothing in this house”, I tried to avoid giving him a reaction. Fast forward Sunday morning, visibly agitated he was pacing he rooms and yelling “I’m going out for breakfast( never mind the fridge is stocked from top to bottom), so I asked if he wanted me to fix something, he replied “ I’m not eating in this house” several times.
At that joint, sadly all the days I’ve kept it under control, just started coming out. It went something like this, although most of it is a blur. By then he was ready to leave, repeating that he is leaving, I turned around only in a bath towel, pushed him against the counter “you are leaving? This is your home, with your children that love and need you, you are leaving? How long are you going to do this to us?” He slapped me on the face, and tried to leave. I kept on pushing him, “let’s talk, listen to me, look at me, we need to figure this out, he continued hitting me. Next thing I knew was excruciating pain, he pushed a tube with sensodine paste into my eyeball and squirted. He basically emptied half of a  full tube into my right eye, i wailed and tried to get it out, with the pain increasing. Once it was out I kept on saying let’s talk. He agreed reluctantly saying that he felt as if I was making a sacrifice and I don’t listen to him. He works hard, it’s challenging and I’m making all the decisions (when to come back to kids, and etc) he also claimed that on my bday he was physically and emotionally exhausted and couldn’t wear the mask in public. That he was planning to go to a coffee shop and then come back (breakfast) I felt totally gaslighted. It was if I was BPD and he was the poor exhausted guy. As the time went on the pain became unbearable. I asked him to drive me to walk in clinic, few hours later to optometrist who reported large cornea abrasion. As the pain reached 9 out of 10 I asked him to drive me to the same place I had my Lazik eye surgery done, they said 40% of my cornea in my right eye was gone, they put a contact bandage and drops with antibiotics and anti inflammatory. I was in too much pain to say anything. He kept on quiet driving. When we came home it had marked 3 days since he ate last, and I just went upstairs as I’m getting splitting head aches because of incongruities between my eyes. I can’t see on my right one. As he came into my bed he said: “I’m so bummed I used up so much tooth paste, from now on every time you brush your teeth I want you to show me the amount you have used”, we need to save money on the tooth paste. What?. I tried to give him some validation, as I accept the fact that I pushed him first. I said “I imagine you feeling guilty about what you did. Looking at my bloodshot eye isn’t a pretty picture. I want to put it behind us” to that he replied:
“No, I’m not feeling bad or guilty, I feel great actually”?.
He then continued rubbing against me, putting my hand on his thigh, you can imagine the rest... .so I gave in to him... .as he fell asleep I was so shocked and confused and gaslighted. I realized that everything that he said as his way of explanation; that my birthday is a non holiday for him, that he doesn’t care to work on relationships, that he isn’t compromising. All of that only left one message: “ my way or highway”. Looking at the current state of his relationships with our children, he calls them “your children”, because they aren’t making an effort to entertain or placate him. Frankly, they are scared for him.  I’m so disappointed with myself, I was doing so well up until now, and I lost it in the worst way possible. I just couldn’t hold this emotional abuse any longer, I snapped. I wanted to fix it, make him see the devastating effect of his negligence and abuse. I’m having a follow up with an eye surgeon, not sure what the next steps are to heal it. The weekend trip is obviously cancelled, he didn’t want to come in the first place, it was all me asking him, I wanted to have the time away from work and kids to work on us. My parents are angry and confused with our behaviour. I don’t know what to do, how to live and breathe now. I’m talking to the therapist at 12:30 today, no wonder she will be shocked to see my shiner and hear the story. I feel helpless and hopeless, 17 years of keeping our marriage together, I don’t know the solution to this problem. Other then letting go

[formflier]

17 years of keeping our marriage together, I don’t know the solution to this problem. Other then letting go

Uggg... .prayers that the doctors will find a way to heal your eye.

Does letting go mean the end of the marriage?  I don't think so.

Somehow, my hope is that YOU can find a way to control the pressure that YOU control in the relationship... .let that pressure bleed out... .

There is likely so much nuance here that pressure and "rescuing" are all mixed in together.

Can you see your reaction and the reaction of your FOO to someone that is voluntarily not eating?  He is in a house... .with plenty of food... .

Please... I'm not saying or suggesting that "is" the problem, but it's somewhere in the toxic soup.

   

Listen... .you have some big new stories to tell your T... and some frank discussions to have as well.  

 

FF

[babyducks]

Snowglobe,

they said 40% of my cornea in my right eye was gone, they put a contact bandage and drops with antibiotics and anti inflammatory. ... .I’m having a follow up with an eye surgeon, not sure what the next steps are to heal it.

I am sorry your husband and your relationship has reached this point.   I know it's painful and frightening and confusing all at once.

I am going to put a link in for your to read.   Please click on it.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

this clip is from that link:

This was published on one public service site:

MYTH: Domestic violence is a "loss of control."
FACT: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control.  Their actions are very deliberate.

MYTH: The victim is responsible for the violence because she provokes it.
FACT: No one asks to be abused. And no one deserves to be abused regardless of what they say or do.

MYTH: If the victim didn't like it, she would leave.
FACT: Victims do not like the abuse. They stay in the relationship for many reasons, including fear. Most do eventually leave.

MYTH: Batterers are violent in all their relationships
FACT: Batterers choose to be violent toward their partners in ways they would never consider treating other people.    

No one asks or deserves to be abused.   Your physical safety is your number one priority now.

Please let us know how you are doing when you can.  We are thinking of you.

'ducks

[Turkish]

Snowglobe,

This was a serious assault.  What did the clinic say, was it reported?

[DreamGirl]

My parents are angry and confused with our behaviour. I don’t know what to do, how to live and breathe now. I’m talking to the therapist at 12:30 today, no wonder she will be shocked to see my shiner and hear the story. I feel helpless and hopeless, 17 years of keeping our marriage together, I don’t know the solution to this problem. Other then letting go

I think when we keep repeating destructive patterns, our family and friends do grow tired of how we're acting. They try to help us only to have us not listen, go back to what we know best... .wash, rinse, repeat.

The hardest part in this is knowing that something has to change. We realize it, but aren't patient and consistent and so we just resort to what we always do. Snowglobe, please know that this can get better (whatever that may look like) and it doesn't have to start with the huge step of dissolving the marriage. It's taking the first steps of changing how YOU deal with these situations that arise and escalate. We can only control ourselves after all, right?

I know after these huge outbursts, we feel defeated and hurt. Hopeless.

But that's just our feelings and not necessarily the bigger picture.

A good first step you're taking is seeing your therapist. That's all you need to do right now. Take that step. Let her help you in this. Be honest and take her advice to heart and in motion. Maybe have a safety plan in place?

We're here for you every step of the way.