He is keeping his distance because he wants to see how i am over time

[juju2]

Hi family. 

This week I received calls, texts, meet up for coffee, it seemed natural and good.

all to do w the support I got here, working on myself, seeing my part. 

I do believe that no situation is too difficult to be bettered.

This community has helped me, more than I can say.

Thank you

I used to be j  u  j  u  6  8 sixty

[juju2]

Hi family,

One thing I noticed at coffee, he is looking rough around the edges, his work is going bumpy.

I didn't rescue, was empathetic.  He is sharing things again, things that are private and it means he trusts me. 

I am sad to see him struggling, he does have his own Higher Power.

Last nite I dreamt that i snuck into his house, saw him and o.w. in bed, and she had a crying baby in bed w them.  It was very strange... .!

My step dtr, his dtr, is about to have a baby, so it's probably from thinking about her.  It was such a weird dream.

j

[Harley Quinn]

Hi juju,

It's good to hear that things are still going smoothly when you have your contact with him.  How did feel when you didn't rescue as he talked about things that aren't going well for him?  It sounds like you are coming across as stronger.  Was there any reaction from him about your not jumping in to help?

Love and light x

[juju2]

Hi

Thank you for your response.

I didn't pick up so much a reaction, just him telling more about what was happening... .and the old me would be like, what do you need?
and i didnt do that.  It seemed ok, since I did empathize and not rescue.  Guess it felt strange to me because i was using new tools... .

Is that possible.  Is that why it felt strange.

I spent so much time Caretaking during the 10 yrs.

I am not doing that any more.

It's hard to learn new ways of being.  I heard a lot of stressful things he is going thru.  I know he appreciates being able to share that w me.  I am not judging.

Now, two days later, I see that i am emotional support for him, and i guess that is where the r/s is.  We have history, and i don't know where our r/s is going frankly.

[Harley Quinn]

How does that make you feel?  If things were to remain as they are, would you be willing to accept that and keep him in your life?

Love and light x

[juju2]

Hi

Am looking at the big picture.  Am trying not to make any assumptions or decisions... .

When I did text him about 3 wks ago, that am going to not see him, and he can call, text... .he called, texted and came over twice, so I know that he doesn't want us to not see eachother.  He also said he enjoys the weekly time together... .  and for unknown reason, perhaps fear of my untreated co dependency (I am 15 months in recovery for that), he is keeping his distance because he wants to see how i am over time.  May 1 I have one year for a different addiction.  So him and i have been thru a lot.

He did say in October, that he interfered w my recovery. 

We both have issues that we are in recovery for.

I was very ill our last yr together w untx codependency and my other addiction... .

He has 19 yrs in his recovery.

Thank you for your support.

J

[Harley Quinn]

You're showing great strength to come so far in your recovery juju.    Congratulations in advance of your one year mark!  Do you also feel he interfered with your recovery?

I'm wondering what sort of a feel you have about how his relationship is going.  Does his partner know that the two of you meet up?

Love and light x

[juju2]

We don't talk about it.  He only said one time he was in a r/s.  So I do not know what he is or isn't doing.  He isn't acting like he is in a r/s, he calls, texts, meets w me.  If i was in a r/s w someone, I would not he acting as he is w me.  We also went away together to recovery weekend, 4 days, 3 nites together.

I know her a little bit.

My impression is she is not that emotionally available.  She is recovering from the same thing he is recovering, and has the same traits:selfish, self centered, perfectionist, irritable, restless, and discontented.  It's hard to be around, even w recovery... .

I know he worries about his financial situation, o always covered what we needed.  I supported him in what he wanted in life.  I saw his talents.  He supported me in what I was up to.  We really had some good things.  We also had some clashes, mainly because i did not understand BPD.

He says now, he only has ptsd.

New Dr.  New dx.

I doubt this.   he has untx. Dx BPD.  I don't know why he wants to ignore his dx.  To me that isn't a good sign.



What I get from him, is that he needs me for emotional support, which he said when we were in counseling.  So I meet w him, and try my best to take care of myself.

Thank you, j

[AskingWhy]

juju2, I am glad you are able to step back and analyse that situation without getting directly involved.

I know this is hard, and I have only been able to do this myself recently.  I am detached when my uBPD H dyregulates.  I was once devastated and hurt.  It was severely impacted and the stress affected my health and ability to function.

No more.  I see him with open eyes and it's empowering to know that I did nothing to make H this way.

[juju2]

Hi family

Am just reaching out.

Weekends are the hardest.  I miss spending time w him.

People say get busy.  I have done a lot of that. Am quite busy.

 am sad today, not knowing for a long time now if we will actually get back together.   j

[formflier]

What kind of things would you do with him on the weekends?

Do you think it would be good to keep doing those type of things or perhaps better to find totally new activities that don't remind you of him.  Thoughts?

FF

[juju2]

Hi,

We would sit on the porch, have coffee, talk to people walking by, our German shepherd was there w us, maybe later take him to the dog park.

It's like I didn't cherish the special moments... .

I was irritated alot by the BPD attributes, perfectionism, criticising how i put dishes in the d/w, house being dirty, that's why his asthma so bad, etc, etc.  Getting hung up on weeds, ignoring the many flowers.  Now when we get together, it's flowers!

One thing I have going is I am becoming aware of BPD, am getting help for my co dependency, and am becoming a person I like. May 1 I have one year sobriety for problem gambling.

Thank you everyone for your contributions to me.

Sincerely, j

[juju2]

Hi family

This was a long weekend.

I am missing my separated s.o., utx BPD, now he says it's not BPD, it's ptsd.

He is seeing someone else, we see eachother Thursdays for 90 min.
I work full time, go to school, volunteer in the community, and work a 12 step.

This weekend i had too much time on my hands for sure.

Am just looking for positives, and am reaching out.

w hope, j

[mama-wolf]

Hi juju,

Sorry to hear it was a rough weekend!  With as much as you said you have going on (work, school, volunteering)... .what do you do for fun?  Just for you?  What do you do for self care that can potentially take your mind in a more positive direction?

We're here... .keep reaching out!

mw

[Skip]

Going on a year now... .

What was your addiction? What was happening in the relationship when he left? What is it that troubles him about you as a partner?

[juju2]

Skip,

It would be untreated co dependency, I have 15 months in that program, and 1yr free of gambling.

I was toxic, he was toxic.  Mostly I blamed him for all our issues.

Idk what he has that i am not a good partner now, I was overweight, list 50 lbs since oct.  Am guessing he needs to see consistency over time, that i have changed.

[formflier]

What was happening in the relationship when he left? 

Can your briefly sketch this part out for us?

What did the toxicity look like in the month prior to splitting up?

What is and up and a down ride of great times and then bad... .or consistently bad?

FF

[juju2]

Hi f,

It's my perception.

When I see him, I am up, hope is there.  When i don't see him, then I start obsessing, worrying, that things aren't going to work out.  I am the problem.

When we split, he was withdrawn, barely talking, when he did talk to me he was gruff.  He has since told me he wasn't going to interfere w me, he knew I was talking to people who wanted us to split up, and i was making things worse, not knowing the tools, not validating, etc.  So I get it that he was fed up w me too, he now says it was probably the best thing that could have happened to us, because, now when we go for coffee, it's fun, we both look forward to that, it's totally different than how we used to be w one another.  We had several months of traveling, vacations, a family trip last year, during the separation. We would spend weekends together... .Everything came to a screeching halt, he got a new psychiatrist, he told me he had interfered w me (twelve step wise, w my co d) and so he basically dropped out of my life... .October
21, 2017.(He is a mentor in his 12 step program, 19 yrs, and i have heard him say to his guys, you are interfering.  You need to basically get out of her life... .)
During when he stopped seeing me, I lost 50 lbs, started class after work, volunteer, am active in my program.  So 6 months of me being a very different person... .usually in 12 step, you are considered a newbie until you have at least one year... .

  Then couples counseling opened up, nov-march this year.  Our T suggested starting very slow, going to coffee somewhere once a week.  That is where we are, jan-april, 2018.  He will call, text, email.  I let him initiate that, unless it's my week to set up coffee... .

Thursday he was sharing his life w me, much more than he had been.  I see progress from that.

I am just sad looking at all the time we are missing.

Thank you,  j

[formflier]

When we split, he was withdrawn, barely talking, when he did talk to me he was gruff. 

If you remember in some other posts... .we've talked about push pull... .and specifically not to chase. 

Sometimes when people "withdraw" it's because of them... not us.  They kinda know (without being able to articulate it) that they need some space (for whatever reason).

Well... .what is the result of giving space?

Now when you see each other... .it seems like something you look forward to. 

Just a little something to tuck away for times when you feel like pushing... chasing... .

FF

[juju2]

Good morning

Am getting pull messages, he texted yesterday, hope you are having a great day, want to get our animals together, want to come and install that faucet.

Am reaching out to you all, we have coffee tomorrow nite and I asked if we could talk about it then.  Am moving slow and steady.  Any thoughts are appreciated.

Thank you,  j

[juju2]

Hi,

bumping this thread.  We meet for coffee tomorrow and idk what to say about his request for our animals to meet up, all of us, at our house we shared.

Is this a pull.

I think whatever it is, it's good.   am afraid to get my hopes up. 

He didn't go to the hospital to see his dtr, he missed out on the birth of his grandbaby, it looks to me like he is out of control.  She hasn't seen him for 6 months.  That was the last time him and i spent the weekend together... .

I know I am making assumptions, and it's good for me to just focus on myself.  That is what i am learning in al anon.

Thank you,  j

[formflier]

  We meet for coffee tomorrow and idk what to say about his request for our animals to meet up, all of us, at our house we shared.

What don't you know? 

Listen... big picture push pull advice.  When they pull... .you pull too... just not as hard. 

So... .doing stuff together at the house could be interpreted as much more intimate... .it's a situation just like when you lived there... .most likely.

So perhaps you let him know you are taking your animal to a new park for a walk and play time... .see when he can meet you.  Remember... .you go anyway and have a great time... .if he can't go.

Is this a pull.

Yeah... .I would say it is a pull, but I would not go overboard in interpreting it.  There is a chance he intends to send a signal... there is a chance he hasn't though it through. 

Don't overthink.

I think whatever it is, it's good.   am afraid to get my hopes up. 

Enjoy the moments you have together... .the future will take care of itself.  The past isn't coming back. 

I certainly remember looking for "the sign" that my pwBPD has come to their senses. That is frustrating to "see" it... .and then realize it wasn't true.

I think in my case was really hoping to convince my pwBPD to "see it my way"... .

Now... I try to be much more ok with her having her way and I have my way.

Perhaps my "thought journey" fits... .if it does use it... .if not, I doubt it's a huge deal.

He didn't go to the hospital to see his dtr, he missed out on the birth of his grandbaby, it looks to me like he is out of control.  She hasn't seen him for 6 months.  That was the last time him and i spent the weekend together... .

That's not your circus... .

Even in "regular" relationships... .it's not a good idea to "interpret" things inside someone else's relationship to have meaning outside that relationship.

It's even more important to avoid doing that when there is relationship dysfunction.

Not your circus...

I know I am making assumptions, and it's good for me to just focus on myself.  That is what i am learning in al anon.

Much less assumptions are a good thing... .relax and enjoy things now... .

FF

[juju2]

Thank you f.

Will need to meet at our house, I have our cats, he has our dog.  They all play together, dog is part of the pack.

Ok I get it, basically just be myself and everything will take care of itself... .

It is a big step for us, we haven't been at our house together since over 4 months.  Thank you for helping me think this through.  j

[formflier]

.

It is a big step for us, we haven't been at our house together since over 4 months.  Thank you for helping me think this through.  j

Then I would find something you can do somewhere else... .

slow and steady is very different than big steps...

Why not take your cats to some other place?

Remember... .boundary issues around YOUR HOME.  Don't create entanglements.

FF

[juju2]

Hi f,

I was thinking it was a good step forward.?  We haven't had anything other than coffee together. I can't take the cats out of the house, they are indoor cats... . 

Maybe we could just take the dog to the dog park.
He had asked to see the cats, he loves them, just like I love our dog... .

So help me figure this out.  He called tonite, to see if he could come over after coffee tomorrow, he needs something from the house, one of his tools...

He also said the remodel he just did, the client talked to him, didn't like what went on w his worker, that guy broke stuff, was not a good person to have on the job.  Also he said he did not make any money... .I didn't rescue, just validated and was empathetic.

Ok.  Thanks everyone.

[juju2]

Ok, so I texted him, am leaving the key to our house outside, works better that way... .(he can get what he needs tomorrow when I am at wk.)

[juju2]

f,  when is this going to be different.

does anyone know what I am looking for that we could go to the next step

[formflier]

I was thinking it was a good step forward.?   

What does your MC think of this?  I thought that doing stuff outside of the house was a boundary that everyone agreed on.

I would think it wise that everyone talk that through... in detail... before undoing that boundary.

Listen... you can do what you want, but there was a reason I suggested a modest "pull" to meet up with him... .but at a neutral spot.

"HOME" is NOT a neutral spot.

In my mind... that would be a big "PULL" for you to send that signal to him.  

Do you understand the concept behind giving him "less" of a pull signal and "less" of a push signal... .when he is giving those?


FF

[formflier]

f,  when is this going to be different.

does anyone know what I am looking for that we could go to the next step

Please stop looking for a "sign".

Step back... .stop analyzing every detail... relax.  Look at big picture patterns... .over time.

FF

[juju2]

I guess I don't understand that concept.  Pull, I pull, half of what he wants... .whatever happens, push, I push less.  Pull, I pull less.

What is the concept, again? 

Did I make the correct choice by letting him come to the house when I am at work to get his tools?

I will stop looking for a sign.  Thank you for the support.