She said:"I can’t ask you to wait until I heal some things inside me. Goodbye"

[Shawnlam]

Well after a long adventurous ordeal it has all come to a final end.After two times of me leaving her ... .today she wrote me and honestly I respect her very much for doing it.Her anxiety was just too much since I left her the second time and she couldn’t take it anymore .Im not angry at her but am sad I didn’t know she had BPD since the beginning or I wouldn’t have left her.But all in all I can’t and won’t say it’s  all my fault and feel bad about it when I wasn’t the cause of her emotional issues since childhood.I also won’t be upset because I loved her so much and didn’t realize what it was doing to her ,in was genuine and I meant every ounce of my caring towards her,I never knew what it was doing to her though... .honestly the first 3-4 months must have been hard on her to have that much affection towards her.She in her own way was a great person,but also damaged and I only knew when it was too late.She did take a part of me I’ll never get back but all in all a lesson learnt that was intense to say the least .There are so many things I could have done  better BUT again I didn’t cause her issues from her childhood and although I have extreme regrets how I handled certain things,humans make mistakes and uneducated to BPD humans much more .Its an awful shame to watch any human being go through(and live) in such a fashion... frankly it’s brutal to watch in all fashions.Here is what she sent me

Hey Shawn this isn’t going to be easy for me to say but here it goes.Have not been able to shake off what’s happened to us since the second time and it’s caused me to be insecure for some reason and it’s caused me to not be able to read your actions anymore.Anxiety has started on my side because I think I love you and I’m trying to suppress my sh$$ty feelings that really won’t go away.I already know how you feel about me the good and the bad no need to tell me more.I know you want to help and support me but frankly you are what’s causing me to be confused.I don’t wanna loose touch with you but right now I know I’m not doing any good to you and your trying  for me but my heart isn’t letting it happen.PLease don’t let you think it’s becausw there is someone else because I have zero fkn interest or thought.Your pretty perfect and husband material for sure ,I’m sorry I drove your emotions ape sh$$t,and in result I got hurt for it.Never wanted to let you go,still don’t but I can’t ask you to wait and be patient until I heal some things inside me .Anyways please please please don’t feel the need to answer I’m sorry if I’m hurting you ,I’m hurting myself to.I do love you don’t ever forget that  ok?  Take care sparky xo

[Struggler123]

Shawn, i’m gonna be honest with you. It’s not over. She will come back, and the process will start again. Everything with BPD is a test. Every 5 minutes, feelings change. And right now you don’t see it, but it will take time for it to sink in. Once it sinks in, its not a good feeling. Does she genuinely care about you at this moment? yes. Does she want you to go? No. Its push and pull. Its time for you to decide what you want, and don’t make an impulsive decision. Because at the end youll get drawn back in. Figure out your thoughts and then see how it goes. Decide whether her coming back to you will make any difference in your life or do you want to close the chapter? Everyone says that once you have closure you feel better, thats not the case, what we are really looking for is some sort of reassurance that theres still hope to rewind and make it work. If you leave the decision in her hands, youll be back to square one asap. Why don’t you decide what you want? And then work from there. Good luck!

[Shawnlam]

Actually I know my <name> very well and honestly from what she wrote I’d bet me motorcycle it’s done.She has many many traits of BPD trust me ,and they are strong but ... .she’s got this thing when she’s done she’s done.Her anxiety has been through the roof since the first time I left her that I can say 100% .I just don’t see her coming back to me ,don’t forget I wrote her letters when l left her ,almost like a way back .This time SHE left me , and I feel in some way almost 99.9% sure she has and will move on ... .I just can’t explain it.But having left her twice really really hurt her,even though to normal people it was justified , but not to a beautiful woman with BPD .Feeling like a piece of sh$$t because of what I did to her is something I’m going to have to live with for ever, but I just didn’t know until after .With that said the only thing I can start doing is healing now ,a long process it will be indeed.

[juju2]

I agree w strug.

It is a test.  If you have affinity, good times, don't buy in to the disorder.  Be cool.

For me it's about can I control my attitude, can i control my actions.

You are having trouble w the disorder, in my mind. 
When you get adept at seeing what is disorder, what is the person you fell in love with, your whole attitude will change.

I see you being reactive, which in my mind is not your true voice.

Pause, get out of your head.

Get some quiet time.  I can't be ruled by my feelings.  My feelings are not facts.  Facts are facts.

For BPD, feelings ARE facts.

So they live in a confusing world.

Be at peace, j

[Shawnlam]

Well if she comes back as strug has mentioned I will certainly have to think about a lot of things.Oddly I’ve never seen her go back to her ex’s except one that she spent a year with but not living together.I think I caused her too much damage but like everyone said here eople with BPD run off pure emotion so maybe once her anxiety wears off she may come to miss me and contact me again.I won’t lie I’d probably accept to meet her again because I love her so damn much but I think my chances are slim to none.I can’t contact her anymore ,it would look too pathetic especially since she left me ... .Her letter to me seemed fairly non emotional .She did say she doesn’t want to let me go ,still doesn’t but she did it anyways .She was hurting badly I understand why she couldn’t see me anymore because it kept hurting her over and over ... .poor love

[Mutt]

Hi Shawnlam,

Never wanted to let you go,still don’t

I agree with the others I think that she is still attached and there's a good chance that she'll return. You sound ambigious have you thought about posting on conflicted the goal of this board is detaching, I also agree with you to not contact her, give her some space you can do some self work in the mean time and learn the tools.

[Shawnlam]

I am conflicted but given the relationship is over I figured trying to detach and heal are my bests right now.Reading I’ve been doing more and more ,and realized that the admin staff was just trying to get through my thick scull this whole time that people with BPD function entirely off emotions, something I couldn’t get through my head until it was too late.
It all honesty if she came back to me I’d probably take her back that’s about 95%

[MyBPD_friend]

I think I caused her too much damage but like everyone said here eople with BPD run off pure emotion so maybe once her anxiety wears off she may come to miss me and contact me again.I won’t lie I’d probably accept to meet her again because I love her so damn much but I think my chances are slim to none.I can’t contact her anymore ,it would look too pathetic especially since she left me ... .Her letter to me seemed fairly non emotional .She did say she doesn’t want to let me go ,still doesn’t but she did it anyways .She was hurting badly I understand why she couldn’t see me anymore because it kept hurting her over and over ... .poor love

Dear Shawnlam,
Don't ever think you've damaged her. She was damaged way before you met her. Don't blame yourself.
I agree with the others, at some point she'll come - be prepared.

I'm in a simular situation, but I left this r/s connection with a simular letter as hers. I was not as emtional though.
I told her that I got a new phone number to make sure to avoid another recycle. This r/s was exhausting and hurtful.

I wish good luck

[Shawnlam]

I wonder why I feel 10x worse and sad now that she left me Vs when I left her.  I’m totally heart broken now that she said goodbye to me , every ounce of my will power is being used to not text her.I miss my gf and I want her back ... .what is wrong with me tonight

[Wicker Man]

I wonder why I feel 10x worse and sad now that she left me Vs when I left her.  I’m totally heart broken now that she said goodbye to me , every ounce of my will power is being used to not text her.I miss my gf and I want her back ... .what is wrong with me tonight

Take it from one Sean to another Shawn -there is nothing wrong with you tonight.  You are human and it hurts to end a relationship. --Ok you do spell your name wrong, but that is a different discussion... .

I keep sending this quote hoping one day I will be able to accept it into my own heart:

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

― Maya Angelou

My advice is to read read read on this board.  Read about the people who are afraid of their BPD lovers, read about the people who married and had children within the maelstrom of a BPD relationship. 

I miss my BPD lover so much it hurts, but I know she was like a schedule 1 drug -addictive and dangerous.  She was my perfect drug.


Wicker Man

[Shawnlam]

Thanks wicker ,they are like a drug in many ways ... .still though I miss her almost in a obsessive way .

[Wicker Man]

I miss her almost in a obsessive way .

If you only miss her in 'almost' an obsessive way then you are doing fine

I look forward to the day I don't think about her.  The day I don't think about unblocking instagram to see what she has posted.  Mine is still wearing the engagement ring I gave her and we have been 'no contact' for 4 months. 

She has travelled back to the city where we first met and is retracing the footsteps of our beginning.

Ironically, she is staying with her dance instructor who she painted black while we were together.  One day my ex stopped all contact with her instructor.  Her instructor had been having a very rough patch and needed my ex's support.  My ex cut her instructor off and and out of her life.  The hapless dance instructor was sending me noted begging me to have my ex reach out to her.  My ex told me 'we will never speak of her (instructor) again'. 

Well, now my ex finds the instructor necessary -so they are friends again. 

This splitting helps me intellectually know I did the right thing walking away. 

I am lucky from what I have read.  My ex has respected our break up and has made no attempts at direct contact -only the passive instagram posts, which are veiled enough other may not realize they are weaponized communication designed to draw me back.


Wicker Man