Please help me understand this behavior, so I'll know what to do

[ShrimpAndGrits]

My boyfriend of 9 months stopped talking to me about 2.5 weeks ago when I started pressing about why he had not introduced me to his kids or parents. I posted some about this in another thread, and received some encouragement and advice. After periods of tears, thinking he'd left me, begging, calling, pleading, and then *finally* remembering to stay grounded and give him space, I've done a lot of thinking.

I suspect that he's not gone to his therapy like he should, and some major stressors in his life have caused his BPD to come on strong again. Before this, our relationship was a happy place he could come escape these stressors, but when I wanted to become more of a partner to him and feel our relationship progressing, I BECAME one of those stressors (I never nagged, but I wasn't content feeling like "the other woman," being kept away from his day-to-day life).

I think what I'm dealing with now is a BPDbf who is going through one of those times where he "hates" me, but is 'mature' enough (in his mind) to stay away so he doesn't say something he will wind up regretting. My only clues that he doesn't want to break up for good is one text that says it has 'nothing to do with [me] or anyone else' and another that says, "I'm not disappearing. I feel very defensive right now and my first instinct is to lash out and I don't want to do that. I don't want to hurt anyone and it feels like it's not something I can control. Every single thing is making me angry or sad and those are not emotions I can get a handle on." However, those texts are all he has sent me in over two weeks.

I've promised not to abandon him in this. Apparently former girlfriends have seen this and not waited through it. I understand if he is low and going through something he can't help. Having said that, as much as I love him and want to do life together, he seems to be unintentionally sabatoging us and his chance at recovery. He feels hopeless right now, and I am powerless to help. I don't want to do anything drastic, especially while he's low. But it is a strange thing indeed to have a boyfriend who I can't even talk to. I realize the silence is better than raging, but three weeks? It seems extreme. I don't know how to address it if and when he does come back, without setting him off again. Any insight?

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[ShrimpAndGrits]

The self-protective part of me wants to give him deadlines. "You've got 3 days to tell me your intentions... .you've got 3 weeks to get back in therapy... ." and the like, but I don't want to leave him when I love him. But being pushed away and ignored is kind of hell.

[CautiousHope]

Hi ShrimpAndGrits, I'm going to see if maybe I can help with your question, though it honestly sounds like you have some great insight already. I know that it really does make you feel powerless when they retreat into that helpless mindset, especially when they pull away from us, and then you don't know what move to make next. It's hard to say you'll just move on or give an ultimatum because we know that it likely won't "work" and we may not want to end the relationship, so it feels like we're in a state of forced limbo.

I have an unconventional suggestion that has worked for me in these situations when my pwBPD is pulling or has pulled away. Usually he does this for one of two reasons. Either he is very upset and is trying not to say or do something he will regret (in which case, I respect his space.) The other reason is because he is triggered or too far out of his comfort zone and is feeling helpless, anxious, uncertain or ashamed (or all of the above.) So rather than facing those difficult feelings, he will sort of take a big step back and try to ignore them from a distance. This rarely works in his favor. I have learned in my own relationship that using gratitude to bridge the gap actually works really well for us. It's harder to reject than other positive messages like "I miss you" or "I love you" or "I'm not judging you, we can work on this" type statements. Because a lot of the time in that state he is so full of self-loathing that those sound like lies to him. Instead, I will reach out with gratitude for specific things he has done or things that I like about him that are more objective, because I think it helps him to turn his mind and also it is easier to receive than more general positive statements about him or the relationship.We have never had a gap as long as 3 weeks, so you'd have to think of something that suits your situation, but an example would be: "I was just thinking about you and that time you ____ and it made me smile. I am so thankful to have met you and I want you to know that whatever happens, I am always going to be grateful for all of our good times. I'm here if you decide you want to talk." I also believe this helps me to reframe the situation for myself. My therapist says by doing this, when I nudge him back, he is learning distress tolerance and also to see that things can be both uncomfortable but tolerable at the same time.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

I have tears (and snot) streaming as I read this, ugly crying. I'm so thankful for your response, CautiousHope. I'm terrified I've pushed him away for good. I kinda lost it again last night and again sent a series of "how can you let me suffer like this... .you must not care" messages and I KNEW it was wrong but somehow felt out of control. I felt like I'd rather receive anger than nothing. But of course... .I got nothing. We've both damaged it seriously now... .but the difference is I have no psychological excuse. My feelings overtook my good sense, as they sometimes do.

The last message I sent: "I changed my profile pic because it felt like a lie" [it had been of the two of us, and he doesn't use facebook]. "I did not change my relationship status because it would feel like a betrayal. I told you that if you're sick [his word... .I wouldn't have used it without him saying it first] and need time you have it. But if you don't want me there's nothing for me to wait for. Trouble is, I don't know which it is. I just don't know. I can't stop wanting to hold you, though."

I think my own mental health is suffering through this. I feel like I'm slipping from actually caring about what he's going through into just fearing rejection myself, and becoming codependent. Which makes me think logically that I should just let go before that fully happens. But then I think how he's always been abandoned by partners in the past and I don't want to do that, because he's worth all of this, because we are perfect for one another, and I love him. God, this is so confusing. And I am between a rock and a hard place.

I may very well try your advice, but I feel like first I'm going to have to truly leave him alone, no notes, no contact, for at least a week. Maybe more. I don't know. Every time I try to reach out and get no response my emotions escalate.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Scratch that: I DID just send him a text much like what you suggested, so that could be the ending note for the time being. Even if nothing comes of it, it's better to leave off with a reminder of the happy times we shared instead of a reminder of how much he's hurting me now. I just wish I could undo those texts. Anyway, if anything changes I'll update. I really am going to have to follow that old adage... .'if you love someone, set them free.' And hope that he will return.

[FaithfulInLove]

I am sending you so much strength in this heavy time.
I understand you so well. It's the hardest not to hear from your loved one, not knowing what happens next, knowing they're probably having a tough time themselves with all their emotions.
Please keep us updated, you're not alone. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, hoping everything turns out right.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

FaithfulInLove, thank you. Thank you so much. The tears flow when I read this encouragement but they are therapeutic to me. It means more than you know.

[FaithfulInLove]

 Mine are flowing, too... Missing is the hardest!

[once removed]

I think my own mental health is suffering through this. I feel like I'm slipping from actually caring about what he's going through into just fearing rejection myself, and becoming codependent.

its a tough place to be, ShrimpAndGrits 

hows your support system at home? are you seeing a therapist?

[ShrimpAndGrits]

No. It hadn't occurred to me till recently. Not sure about that with finances but it needs to be looked into I guess. I have friends who care but don't understand BPD even a little and I fear getting too much "run" advice.

[CautiousHope]

I am so sorry if I upset you. Please don't be too hard on yourself, I think everything you're experiencing makes perfect sense and I am sure that most of us have been there in some capacity. These aren't easy relationships to navigate. It's terrifying to lose someone we care about, especially in what feels like such a flippant way, like we can lose them to a slight breeze. I think you're wise to look inward and that you recognize that it's taking a toll on you. It can be easy to forget to take care of our own hearts because we are so careful to tend to theirs. 

[ShrimpAndGrits]

You definitely haven't upset me. Each reply here has given me strength in a mich-needed way, and I am so thankful. 

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Today I sent my love a picture from the zoo... .it was the chameleon. You see, back in October, he and I went, and the chameleon was hard to spot, and without missing a beat, he said, "They come and go." He is smart and funny like that constantly. Anyway, this was one of my happy memories, the one I shared with him yesterday at CautiousHope's advice (thanks again!), so the pic from today was a kind of follow-up to that memory.

Then tonight I sent him: "If you wanted to give me a call it'd mean the world to me. If not, a short note... .a word, anything. I've been thinking about you and I can't imagine what you must be going through these past few weeks/months."

An hour and a half later he replied, "I'm glad you got to see the chameleon. I haven't quit therapy. I'm just existing."

I said, "I'm sorry for all the emotion I spewed that helps neither of us. I just miss you a lot. I can't wait to see you again. I'm sorry your hurt hasn't stopped. It has got to be so heavy."

I was thrilled to hear that text tone, but miss the warmth of the boyfriend side of him. Still, it was the first word from him in nine days. I still don't fully know what to think but even if it's a gamble it's worth everything to me.

My hypothesis is this: I think he has no feelings for me right now, but logically knows it's likely a result of his BPD fog that's descended. He can't simply *act* like a loving boyfriend, and he doesn't want to say hateful things. The lack of communication kills me and he knows it, but for whatever reason it's his way of dealing. His feelings for me were so strong a couple of months ago. I have reason to believe we have a foundation, and I can't quit hoping, even if I'm wrong and it breaks my heart in the long run. I'm going to have to take this note, brief and unhelpful as it may be, and hold onto it with all the hope I can muster and keep on giving him space. Thursday will be three weeks since seeing him.

[JustMe123]

My hypothesis is this: I think he has no feelings for me right now, but logically knows it's likely a result of his BPD fog that's descended. He can't simply *act* like a loving boyfriend, and he doesn't want to say hateful things. The lack of communication kills me and he knows it, but for whatever reason it's his way of dealing. His feelings for me were so strong a couple of months ago.

I so feel you here ShrimpandGrits.  My husband is still in the relationship (living in the same house at least).   The loving husband that I remember so vividly has not been seen 'round these parts is quite a while.  It is so hard to cope with the feelings of  abandonment that the way he is behaving evokes.  I too see it as a coping mechanism for all the BPD issues that he has, but even understanding does little to lessen the sadness.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

I am so, so sorry to hear you are going through this too, JustMe123. And the pain when it's in the context of marriage must be so much more intense than even my own tears. I hope and pray they will return to us soon. It's so very painful all around.