Planning to leave, worried about getting my daughter and I out safely.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone, I have been reading these boards for a long time and finding comfort in your posts... .and in the common themes that make me feel less crazy.

This is my first time posting. I have been married to my undiagnosed bph for 8 years. Over the past few months I have woken up to the fact that he is emotionally and verbally abusive, and exhibits BPD and some npd behaviors. Although he hasn’t been physically abusive with contact yet, he does use physical intimidation, threats and property damage when he is really raging.

I am planning to leave now and starting to take steps, and I’m worried about getting my daughter and I out safely. I feel like I’m coming out of a brainwashed haze, and it’s so overwhelming sometimes. One minute I’m thinking about how to leave with what I need safely without him knowing and scared about what he will do when he finds out, and the next minute I’m imagining what he will feel like when he realizes I’m gone and feeling so sad and guilty for that pain.

I have been keeping this awakening/realization and planning completely hidden from him, and I’m trying to act as I always have because it doesn’t feel safe to do otherwise. So it will be a complete shock. I know intellectually that my first priority has to be my child’s and my safety, but emotionally it feels cruel and I’m trying to make that mind shift stick. Thanks for reading, and for being here.

[Blondie14]

Hi everyone, I have been reading these boards for a long time and finding comfort in your posts... .and in the common themes that make me feel less crazy.

This is my first time posting. I have been married to my undiagnosed bph for 8 years. Over the past few months I have woken up to the fact that he is emotionally and verbally abusive, and exhibits BPD and some npd behaviors. Although he hasn’t been physically abusive with contact yet, he does use physical intimidation, threats and property damage when he is really raging.

I am planning to leave now and starting to take steps, and I’m worried about getting my daughter and I out safely. I feel like I’m coming out of a brainwashed haze, and it’s so overwhelming sometimes. One minute I’m thinking about how to leave with what I need safely without him knowing and scared about what he will do when he finds out, and the next minute I’m imagining what he will feel like when he realizes I’m gone and feeling so sad and guilty for that pain.

I have been keeping this awakening/realization and planning completely hidden from him, and I’m trying to act as I always have because it doesn’t feel safe to do otherwise. So it will be a complete shock. I know intellectually that my first priority has to be my child’s and my safety, but emotionally it feels cruel and I’m trying to make that mind shift stick. Thanks for reading, and for being here.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Blondie14 and welcome to the board 

I'm so glad you have joined us and reached out about this. It's a smart move to seek support and carefully plan an exit from an abusive r/s. My time is limited right now but I wanted to let you know that you're heard and I will be back later to speak to you further. I'm sure others will say hi in between and share their thoughts with you.

Have you sought help from a domestic abuse service in order to create a safety plan?  I'd also encourage you to check out Safety First at the bottom of the page and to the right (red cross) if you haven't already. I'll look forward to hearing more from you.

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Blondie14, Let me echo HQ and say Welcome.  You've come to a great place.  No, I don't think it's cruel to leave an abusive situation.  Safety for you and your child comes first.  I think you are doing the right thing by keeping your plans to yourself for now, while you get your ducks in a row.  Do you have any close friends or family members with whom you can confide?  Its bound to be rough sledding ahead and the more support you have, the better.  If I may ask, what led to your recent "awakening"?  How did you find out about BPD?  We are here to help and support you in finding the right path for you, so feel free to ask any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Blondie,

Just checking in on you.  I am guessing it's probably hard for you to post, so will look forward to hearing an update when you can.  As well as the questions Lucky Jim and I have presented you with, I wanted to ask a little more.  Hope that's OK.    Could you maybe share with us what plans you have in place so far?  Top level is fine if you are short on time.  Such as housing, finances, personal belongings etc.

I feel like I’m coming out of a brainwashed haze, and it’s so overwhelming sometimes.

How I wish I could say I can't imagine what that's like.  Unfortunately I know exactly what you mean and I truly feel for you.  It can be an alarming, scary and highly uncomfortable feeling to have.  Whilst doing what you know is right for you, the guilt can be really wearing.  I was deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) when I left my partner.  What you're doing takes great strength and I hope you can recognise that in yourself.  We are here backing you all the way in your choice to remain safe and well at all times, now and in the future. 

Love and light x   

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Blondie,

Just wanted to say that I have been exactly where you are. Last fall I had to leave my ubph with my S2 and it was very scary and I had such volatile emotions about it. I felt guilty for separating him from his son, but his actions made it absolutely necessary. There was physical abuse involved in my case, as well as verbal and emotional abuse, property damage and all that stuff. It basically came down to making a choice between the well-being of myself and my child or staying and risking more harm just so uBPDh didn't have to feel the pain of us leaving.

Just remember that you are not responsible for his feelings. His actions have apparently made it necessary for you to leave to protect yourself and your daughter, and that is not your fault. His actions carry consequences, and you do not have to protect him from them.

It is definitely a good idea to have a plan in place. I didn't, and my exit was chaotic, unplanned and very nerve-wracking. It all worked out for us in the end, but I would rather have done it differently. I waited until I didn't have a choice- the danger was immediate and I was forced to act.

take care and keep us updated when you are able. Best of luck to you and remember, you are not alone.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Blondie14]

Thank you LuckyJim and Harley Quinn

I have a few family members and friends that I am confiding in and it definitely helps for support as well as planning. My recent awakening started when I started taking care of myself physically, then meditating, and finally confiding in one friend who sent me some articles on BPD. It all clicked and I read as much as I could find. The friend then used the word abuse and I found that wheel... .and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that my life had been revolving around him and I thought there was no way out and I was stuck.

So far I have a place to go that is hidden for the first few days or week, then with a family member after that for as long as I need. I have moved important documents and some clothes to the family member’s home. I am the sole breadwinner but there aren’t assets or savings, and a family member will lend me the lawyer’s retainer.

Thank you for pointing out the safety first button, that was helpful. I haven’t talked to the local shelter yet but I do have their number because I called the National hotline once so far and got advice for about 1/2 hour.

I had a new therapist appt today, and it wasn’t very helpful, but I will give it another shot. We are spending time talking about history and background and I feel that I will need to make the move before those sessions become helpful.

It helps so much to talk to people who understand what it’s like. I felt a little bit of judgement from the lawyer and the therapist, and it’s so hard to explain how it happened and why it took 8 years to wake up.

[Blondie14]

Thank you Redeemed, it’s so good to hear from someone on the other side of it. I’m so glad you were able to leave safely even though it was chaotic.

It basically came down to making a choice between the well-being of myself and my child or staying and risking more harm just so uBPDh didn't have to feel the pain of us leaving.

Just remember that you are not responsible for his feelings. His actions have apparently made it necessary for you to leave to protect yourself and your daughter, and that is not your fault. His actions carry consequences, and you do not have to protect him from them.

This is it, exactly. Thank you for reminding me. I am going to read this often.

[Harley Quinn]

The friend then used the word abuse and I found that wheel... .and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that my life had been revolving around him and I thought there was no way out and I was stuck.

Hi Blondie,

I'm so pleased to hear that you have support and have been open about the situation with friends and family.  This makes a world of difference.  For myself it was the beginning of my feeling fully aware and confident enough to consider there actually was a different future possible for me.  My ex was violent in the end, but it was the emotional and psychological abuse which did the most damage.  Would the wheel you saw be this one?



Many people can downplay destructive behaviour in a partner or believe that because there isn't physical violence then it isn't domestic abuse.  Some of the other forms of abuse can be just as damaging if not worse.  Although it's horrible to read something like the above and realise that this stuff is affecting you in your r/s, it's also wonderful to hear that you did have this awakening.  A lot of people don't and can remain in denial or feel trapped and unable to affect anything without some outside influence.  You have a good friend there.

From what you describe of your plans, it sounds like you have your head screwed on and are thinking things through properly.  It's wonderful that you have others prepared to help you take this step and keep you safe.  I would really encourage you to ring the local service in order to talk through anything else in an exit strategy that they would recommend, and help you to come up with a personal safety plan specific to your family.  Having this safety plan firmly in my mind allowed me to feel secure that I knew what to do in any eventuality and it also helped me to know that an outside agency was aware of my situation and took me seriously.  

As you mentioned, there are many people, sadly including professionals (who ought to do their homework) that are unable to grasp just how it is to be in a situation like this.  My domestic abuse advocate supported me in so many ways with help I'd never considered they may provide.  I had home security provided to me through them and they helped me with legal advice and counselling.  I even attended a 12 week recovery course with others like myself and this was invaluable in my feeling understood and working through the effects on me.  Obviously every service is different but I wanted to say that it is a call well worth making, whatever the setup where you are.  Being heard will empower you and you may be surprised at what they can offer by way of support.

Although he hasn’t been physically abusive with contact yet, he does use physical intimidation, threats and property damage when he is really raging.

How are things at home at the moment?  How often are the rages and are you aware of what triggers them?  Right now whilst you are in the preparation stages, the highest priority is remaining safe and avoiding being in a situation where there is a risk of harm.  What do you normally do when he behaves this way?

Love and light x

 

[PeteWitsend]

Blondie:

a couple privacy tips:

1) view these pages in privacy mode, so you're not leaving a trail for him to find, as I'm sure he'd be upset to learn you were planning to leave.

2) delete any and all page views from BPD family from your history

3) if you have any reminders or notifications set with this site, such as email notifications of resplies to your posts, be aware of the fact that those can pop up on your phone (depending on settings)  and alert your spouse when you least expect it.

pwBPD often don't react well to learning their partners have sought help or advice from others.  it threatens their sense of control over their partner.

[Harley Quinn]

Sound advice PeteWitsend.  Covering your tracks is a must if you are disclosing anything/accessing any sites that could give him cause for concern online.  I trust your phone is password protected and/or fingerprint access Blondie?

Love and light x

[Blondie14]

Thank you Harley Quinn, that is exactly the wheel that I saw. Everything clicked when I read that, and it was a big part of my awakening.

I will definitely speak with the local shelter this week - probably tomorrow if I can find some time alone.

How are things at home at the moment?  How often are the rages and are you aware of what triggers them?  Right now whilst you are in the preparation stages, the highest priority is remaining safe and avoiding being in a situation where there is a risk of harm.  What do you normally do when he behaves this way?

At the moment he seems to be trying to be on his best behavior, almost as if he feels something is different with me even though I haven't said anything and I've been very careful to keep everything hidden. He has had some quick angry outbursts but no long raging and ranting in the last month or so. When he does get angry or rage, I try to use the techniques on this site to diffuse as much as I can. Sometimes it makes the episode shorter, sometimes not. What usually triggers him is him feeling insecure, and real or imagined abandonment. One common example is if I am away from him for more than 2-3 hours at a time.

Thank you PeteWitsend, I have been viewing this site only on private mode and I delete history every time. I also have all notifications for this site off, I just check from time to time when I can.

I have most of my preparations complete. I still need to get a prepaid phone and a PO box, talk to my daughter's school and one more lawyer... .but important papers and clothing are moved for my daughter and myself. I am going to talk to the local dv folks tomorrow if I can to see if there is anything I haven't thought of yet. I'm also not sure how to let him know that I left, after I'm gone of course... .I don't want to stay and conversation, that doesn't feel safe. I'm wondering if I should leave a note.

I am so scared... .both of what his reaction will be in the immediate aftermath, and about the emotional pain I will feel. BUT I am also so ready to get it over with and get to the other side of this. I am ready to focus on healing for my daughter and myself. I am ready to not feel the constant anxiety, and the feeling that someone else is controlling every decision I make, every hour of the day.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Blondie,

Did you manage to speak to the local DV agency?  I'm hoping they've been able to advise you on the best course of action around notifying him of your departure.  Wise decision not to do it face to face if that feels unsafe.  Thinking of you and hoping you'll keep us informed.

Love and light x

[Blondie14]

Did you manage to speak to the local DV agency?  I'm hoping they've been able to advise you on the best course of action around notifying him of your departure.  Wise decision not to do it face to face if that feels unsafe.  Thinking of you and hoping you'll keep us informed.

Hi Harley, thanks for checking in. They suggested I write a letter that is as calm as possible, that doesn’t contain accusations and end with something like, “I need some space. I will contact you when I’m ready”

[Harley Quinn]

I did a lot of research about going No Contact before I took that direction after leaving my ex partner and something that came up was to keep emotions out of it.  That might be helpful when you consider your language.  It can be tempting to salve our feelings of guilt by trying to make it softer and include some loving words, however this can send a message that we don't intend to put across, that we're leaving a door open.  If you have things you will need to discuss after you leave, then try to keep it all to facts and not feelings.  Hard, I know, when feelings are running high. 

Do you have a time scale now that you're working to?

Love and light x

[Blondie14]

I did a lot of research about going No Contact before I took that direction after leaving my ex partner and something that came up was to keep emotions out of it.  That might be helpful when you consider your language.  It can be tempting to salve our feelings of guilt by trying to make it softer and include some loving words, however this can send a message that we don't intend to put across, that we're leaving a door open.  If you have things you will need to discuss after you leave, then try to keep it all to facts and not feelings.  Hard, I know, when feelings are running high. 

Do you have a time scale now that you're working to?

Thank you Harley,

That is really good advice about keeping emotion out of it. I definitely don’t want to leave a door open or give false hope. Do you have any recommendations for things to read about going NC? So far I’ve read the article on this site about “the right way and wrong way”.

Abusing me through texts and phone calls is already the norm for the slightest thing, so I’m planning to turn my phone off (for the goal of not being gps/location traceable too). But I’m sure there will be many emails.

I’m working on completing everything and being ready by next weekend at the latest, maybe sooner. Weekends are best because my daughter is already out of the house so I just have to get myself out and meet her where we are going.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm afraid I didn't keep the links, but I can tell you that I was also advised to keep all emotion out of any contact by the DV advocate I had at the time.     

In your situation it may be that you have things to tie up with him after you leave.  You may be planning to do all this through your lawyer, but if you should find that you need to communicate with him at all then I'd recommend using the BIFF technique, which is brief, informative, friendly and firm.  I use this when I deal with my son's father (different man) and it has been really helpful for me to avoid being drawn in or emotionally triggered by his behaviour.  We have a couple of workshops about this and here is the link to one: BIFF Technique for Communications.  If you ever do need to maintain any level of contact, I hope you'll find this useful.

Do let us know how things go when you make your exit.  I'll be thinking of you and hoping you are safe and well.  Keep all the help and support from loved ones around you and ensure that you take good care of yourself.  Aside from the physical breaking free, there is a lot of emotion that will probably catch up with you and it's OK to lean on people at times like this, so don't feel obligated to keep it together for anyone else's sake.  Doing this is tough.  We're here when you need to talk.

Love and light x