A year on from breakup...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello there,

I just can't think straight.
I strongly suspect my wife who's divorcing me has BPD or a mixture of Cluster B traits at least.
She asked me to stay at my mother's a year ago after a row (she'd been out drinking all night, came home 4hours late and was hungover and useless all the next day... .I said this needed to stop)
So I left, fully expecting a conversation, some hugs and a plan for steering our marriage back on track.
All I got was abuse and confusion form that day to this
I'm still seeing my kids thankfully and am reasonably settled in my own place, but I've lost my home that I worked towards for 30 years and all my money and I'm having to deal with someone I don't recognise any more.
Someone else is living in my home with her now and they're all playing happy families. I feel completely replaced and that the love I thought I felt for the last decade was all a lie.

I really struggle with the pain I feel going to pick up my kids and from the unreasonable and illogical behaviour. I love/hate her in equal.measures and it's tearing me in two. I've gone as no contact as possible and she seems fine with that.
Her enabling, interfering parents badger me and showed me no empathy/sympathy despite me being a good dad/husband.

I need some help detaching my thoughts and secretly wanting her back, knowing it's a terrible idea.

Thanks for reading... .

[Croker]

Hello there,

I just can't think straight.
I strongly suspect my wife who's divorcing me has BPD or a mixture of Cluster B traits at least.
She asked me to stay at my mother's a year ago after a row (she'd been out drinking all night, came home 4hours late and was hungover and useless all the next day... .I said this needed to stop)
So I left, fully expecting a conversation, some hugs and a plan for steering our marriage back on track.
All I got was abuse and confusion form that day to this
I'm still seeing my kids thankfully and am reasonably settled in my own place, but I've lost my home that I worked towards for 30 years and all my money and I'm having to deal with someone I don't recognise any more.
Someone else is living in my home with her now and they're all playing happy families. I feel completely replaced and that the love I thought I felt for the last decade was all a lie.

I really struggle with the pain I feel going to pick up my kids and from the unreasonable and illogical behaviour. I love/hate her in equal.measures and it's tearing me in two. I've gone as no contact as possible and she seems fine with that.
Her enabling, interfering parents badger me and showed me no empathy/sympathy despite me being a good dad/husband.

I need some help detaching my thoughts and secretly wanting her back, knowing it's a terrible idea.

Thanks for reading... .

[spero]

Hey there Croker,

I'd like to just welcome you to the boards.   and send greetings from the community

I'm sorry that you're going through a very painful and confusing situation right now. It seems that you also had to tolerate some level of abuse. Could you perhaps share in a little more detail when was it that you first started feeling that your wife is perhaps displaying traits of "BPD" behaviour? On that note, were there repeated incidents and patterns which upon reflection have led you to this possible conclusion?

Beside that, how are your kids coping with the current situation as well?

Warmly,
Spero

[Lucky Jim]

I need some help detaching my thoughts and secretly wanting her back, knowing it's a terrible idea.

Hey Croker, I appreciate your mixed feelings of wanting your W back even though you know it's a terrible idea, which I suspect many here can relate to.  I liken it to an addiction, in the sense that we know a BPD r/s is unhealthy, yet we don't want to stop participating in it.  I've been there, my friend.  I suggest just sitting with your feelings and observing, without the need to do anything in particular.  Looking at one's own emotions from the outside can sometimes yield a different perspective that can prove helpful.  Worth a try?

LuckyJim

[Croker]

Hey there Croker,

I'd like to just welcome you to the boards.   and send greetings from the community

I'm sorry that you're going through a very painful and confusing situation right now. It seems that you also had to tolerate some level of abuse. Could you perhaps share in a little more detail when was it that you first started feeling that your wife is perhaps displaying traits of "BPD" behaviour? On that note, were there repeated incidents and patterns which upon reflection have led you to this possible conclusion?

Beside that, how are your kids coping with the current situation as well?

Warmly,
Spero

Hi Spero and thanks for the welcome

Well I met her almost a decade ago and had what I realise now was a year or two lovebombing, with moving in together and a kid happening within a year and marriage in two.
She gave up booze for a year or so when pregnant, then stated hitting it again when our kid was about a year old.
My first sign was her suggesting a threesome with her friend a few weeks after marriage (which I refused much to her surprise). Then months of getting drunk with a neighbour ending in a drunken suicide attempt and social services. Then a desperately wanting to move house which I eventually agreed to.
Things were calm for a bit, then she pleaded with me for another kid within the first year. She stayed off booze again for a few years, but then started getting drunk with a different neighbour again. Then wanted to move house again. I felt the whole pattern repeating and was waiting for another suicide attempt when I told her the drinking had to stop before that happened. It was then I had to go.

This latest devaluing of me had started a few months earlier when I was trying to get us closer again and gently work on the drinking.

I've had the whole eggshells deal for years though, backing down all the time for fear of upsetting her which I didn't before the suicide attempt.
The silent treatment EVERY SINGLE time we argued. Gaslighting, projecting, being told I had Alzheimers and Aspergers. Spiteful behaviour now and then and crazy reactions to nothing statements. I was blaming myself the whole time, but now realise that was her plan.

It's been awful. I've woken up to it all now, but I'm still attached and want to help her. She knows she's not right, in lucid moments she admits to being an alcoholic and that she's crazy and apologises for it. She KNOWS somethings not right, but she doesn't know what.
I do now it's too late, she won't listen to a word I say or acknowledge her previous admissions.
I've been replaced completely.

[Croker]

Hey Croker, I appreciate your mixed feelings of wanting your W back even though you know it's a terrible idea, which I suspect many here can relate to.  I liken it to an addiction, in the sense that we know a BPD r/s is unhealthy, yet we don't want to stop participating in it.  I've been there, my friend.  I suggest just sitting with your feelings and observing, without the need to do anything in particular.  Looking at one's own emotions from the outside can sometimes yield a different perspective that can prove helpful.  Worth a try?

LuckyJim

Hi Jim,

Thanks for the advice, i've been doing a bit of that already. The trouble is, by the time the shizz hits the fan, you've been programmed like some kind of worker ant to love and care unconditionally and although you can see intellectually what's being done to you, when you look in their eyes or they say something nice it just kicks something animal/protector into gear. Bizarrely as I get accused of not caring about or protecting her and that's why I had to go!
Oh and "we argued too much" which we didn't really and "You let me get away with too much" which is possibly true, but how can I have done both? No win situations have been very common over the last year.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Croker,

I'm glad you found us.  Sounds like you've had a wild ride and I'm sorry to hear your pain and struggle with the loss.  I, like many of us, can totally relate to your wanting to help her.  Most of us are caretaker types here, and we become very enmeshed in the drama and turmoil of a dysfunctional r/s as we try to navigate the stormy waters and help our partner to a safe harbour.  Unfortunately that is usually to our own detriment without some serious support for ourselves and ideally with the partner in long term treatment.  :)oes your wife acknowledge her issues?

With children in the mix I feel this is a lifeline for you.  Bear in mind that children need a stable loving home and consider the type of environment they have when your wife is behaving as she has during your marriage.  I have a son myself and his NPD father and I share equal custody of him.  My role is to be the stable constant in his life and provide him with balance and a sense of security in his world.  

I know you're in a great deal of pain right now, yet long term it's worth recognising that your children will benefit from your not being affected by your wife in the way that you would be if you were together still as things were.  Although I'd always wanted my son to have a home with two parents in it, the fact that his father remains incapable of being the sort of role model he needs to see when it comes to healthy relationships now gives me a great deal of relief that I ended that awful dynamic.  We still have it within our power to show our children what healthy love looks like.

Disengaging from this type of intense relationship can be difficult. Rationally, you most likely understand that leaving is the healthiest thing you can do now, yet your emotional attachment is undeniable. You find yourself hopelessly trapped by your own desires to rekindle a relationship that you know isn't healthy, and in fact, may not even be available to you.

Often we obsess and ruminate over what our “BPD” partner might be doing or feeling, or who they might be seeing. We wonder if they ever really loved us and how we could have been so easily discarded. Our emotions range from hurt, to disbelief, to anger.

The above quote is taken from an article I'd like to recommend to you which I hope will be helpful in further understanding your situation and the dynamic that has been at play.  It's one of the resources here that I accessed the most soon after my breakup and I feel it was extremely helpful in aiding my detachment.  

Do let me know your thoughts after reading this (if you haven't already) and whether you feel any of the ten beliefs resonate with you right now.  It is about surviving a breakup with a BPD partner and you can find it HERE.  You'll also find lots of other helpful articles to the right hand side of the page here   and I'd encourage you to not only look at the lessons, but to read and involve yourself in other discussions on the board.  There is much to be learned here and with everything we learn we grow more able to have a clear perspective and make the right decisions for ourselves.

Love and light x

[Croker]

Hi Harley,

Thanks for your input
I find it really difficult to get support personally, no-one really gets it. My folks are too old and set in their ways, they just think she's evil and conniving. My intelligent friends just don't understand what I'm trying to tell them as she just seems so normal to them, yes they see odd behaviour, but they don't read up on it like we all do. They don't have the drive to understand.

The divorce is proceeding with her, her family, her friends and her solicitor all thinking everything is my fault, believing every word she says about me and why wouldn't they? It's like one of those awful thrillers where the audience can see the protoganist being framed, but no-one else can see it!

I'm not overly worried for the kids, she acted in most of the time and I think it will only be in their teenage years (they're both under ten) they will notice how odd she can be. They didn't really see too much of it when we were together.

You're right about my kids getting to see me away from her, I feel like i've been a shadow of myself for the last 5 years or so, constantly giving in to everything to keep the peace and the peace was just a miserable silence half of the time. Of course it was me that was miserable and moody, ruining it for everyone. She did a real number on me, I REALLY believed it was all my fault and I'd treated her terribly. How do they do that? I was always brimming over with love for her and I thought she knew.
My poor previous gfs got an "I love you "twice a year if they were lucky, she was getting it said and texted two or three times a day.

Of course then I start questioning whether it is BPD because although she ticks all 9 of the criteria really, there are differences. I never noticed any fear of abandonment or clingyness, they seem to be primary in most people's accounts, but missing from my experience. But maybe she hid it and punished me for being away or out and I didn't join the dots?

I'll read that article now, thank you

[Harley Quinn]

I'm sorry to hear that you don't have much in the way of personal support and the 'smear campaign' which is common with BPD sufferers at the time of a breakup or divorce must leave you feeling a little isolated.  It's good that you reached out here.  There are many who will relate to that.  Families and friends often find it hard to understand what the experience is like if they haven't been there themselves.  As you say, a pwBPD can come across to others as very normal and it is those closest to them who bear the brunt of the difficult behaviours.  Do you plan to seek the support of a therapist?  It proves very helpful to a great number of members going through these situations.

Good news that the children have been fairly sheltered from the behaviour, although some of us parents believe that our kids are unaware of things which they actually have picked up on.  I learned about this in a Separated Parents Information Programme which our Family law court provided.  If they are showing no indication of emotional issues at present then simply concentrate on ensuring that what happens from here is handled as well as it can be for their benefit and be alert to any signs of parental alienation.   

Based on what you've said about the clinginess and fear of abandonment not being evident, it could be that you've had only mild behaviour from your wife in this respect and as you say, not recognised it.  The more we read and learn the more things begin to fall into place. 

I'm wondering if you might benefit from reading this about How a BPD relationship evolves to see if you have recognition of any of the behaviours there.  It may help to explain things for you and put the pieces together.  Let me know what you think.

Love and light x