She broke up with me says she loves me

[Mutt]

Thanks Wentworth that sounds about right I saw your post last and it made me think about what i want. I can do both at the same time find someone and focus on the kids I’m in the best shoe of my life I have a lot of energy. I keep thinking about what my mom said that she’s a transition, practicing my r/s skills with her.

Things are fine the way they are today. I know that she doesn’t want to lose me and I think that she gets lonely I’ll go the entire day without talking to her she’ll text me when she’s about to put her S5 to bed. I was in the elliptical last night and I didn’t see her messages she called me because I didn’t answer.

A friend pointed something out the need to know what’s going is typical with anxiety.

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[Radcliff]

I keep thinking about what my mom said that she’s a transition, practicing my r/s skills with her.

That's a great way to put it!  Before, you two were on a different page.  The things you were concerned about, like being open about your relationship, are pretty darn important for a long-term serious romance (i.m.h.o.), but less important for a transition relationship.  I like the idea of "practicing r/s skills."  That's a great way to put it.  As long as you both have compatible expectations, the time with her can be a real confidence booster.  Beware, though, if one of you is ready to move out of the transitional phase before the other, or one of you begins to develop deeper non-transitional feelings, it could get painful again.

A friend pointed something out the need to know what’s going is typical with anxiety.

I think any person naturally wants to know what's going on, and if they don't, it can lead to anxiety.  

WW

[Mutt]

The other day she said she missed me I said that missed her too it was confusing she asked me if I wanted to come over last night I said yes.

I was at her place for just over two hours we talked about some serious things about her life and then we had sex. It feels different and it feels good it’s more intense and I’m not going through the motions of a r/s.

Beware, though, if one of you is ready to move out of the transitional phase before the other, or one of you begins to develop deeper non-transitional feelings, it could get painful again.

I feel like I’m finally starting to make sense. I said earlier that she missed me I don’t that she’s me she misses having a bf and our r/s is done so I think those feelings come from that.

If she wanted she could have me but she’s not choosing to. I felt nervous last night I turned off the vibration notifications on my phone because I’m talking to about 4 women. I have a date with one tomorrow I don’t know if it quantifies as a date we’re meeting for tea at least we’re meeting she’s the one that I’m mist interested in.

My exgf said to move in because she said that she’ll never be able to give me what I want. I have to take her on her word. She’s younger less experienced it’s not fair to here she’ll meet more men Im older it’s okay if you want to speed things up a bit.

I had asked her last week if she was seeing someone and she got angry it’s none of my business and that goes both ways. I went to her place on a  Saturday night on a long weekend I don’t think that she has anyone else. We know each other that took time she doesn’t want to lose what we had if I wanted to I could set boundaries in myself and get out of this friend zone two things will happen either we’ll get back together or I don’t settle for a friendship and I move on and honestly I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

I went to a school that mostly white which was sad she thought me a lot about her culture she travelled all around the Middle East for her H’s work and travelled all around India. It’s different too because I’m more mature and I’ve changed it’s not black and white where we can’t face each other because we did some shameful thing.

I’ve been talking to this other for about a week she has a four year old girl she has shared custody but he did it so he didn’t have to pay child support she pays child support he’s taking her to court for 200k she said he has narcissistic qualities I told her that I have a difficult ex too we have some similarities. My point is if and when I find someone or she might find someone too my boundary is that I can’t sleep with more than one woman at a time and when that day comes I don’t have to say it bluntly. My ex did say things bluntly like I do I’ll just say that I can’t have sex with her anymore.

A r/s is equal transactions I know what I’m in right now and she is a good friend that does me favors. I don’t feel like I’m giving too much of myself I’ll reapect her needs I need to look after mine too.

I think any person naturally wants to know what's going on, and if they don't, it can lead to anxiety.

Good point WW

[Radcliff]

Mutt, thanks for the updates.  It sounds like you're being thoughtful about how things progress, and are out their meeting folks and learning.  Keep us posted!

WW

[Mutt]

It’s also going to create competition    She asked if she call tonight I said yes I was watching Black Panther with the kids. She got an email back from the cancer expert in Florida. Her brother didn’t send all of the paperwork I can’t recall what type of cancer that she said her mom has its stage 3 anyways it’s recommended that she take chemotherapy her mom would need a scan every three months which sounds like an aggressive cancer it mentioned that the tumor is aggressive and so are the cells.

She went to visit a friend today and I told her that I was taking the kids to the library and the splash park she went to the library and met me there the kids have never been introduced she just saw me we’ve done in the past it telegraphed that she missed me. At the end of the call she called me babe Freudian slip? We just laughed I’m sorry if I’m jumping around a bit I listened her she said the cancer sounds scary and she said her mom is s good woman, prayed all of the time and you never know what’s going to happen.

I told her that it’s normal to think about your mortality when you have someone really close facing a serious illness. They’re going to see another specialist in India and get another opinion her mom from the sounds of it may not be taking the chemo therapy. My ex sounds scared i just listened. She sent me a message on WhatsApp and said “Oh Mutt I miss you for sure and I love you” with a kissing emoticon which she hadn’t sent in weeks to me I thought that she wasn’t sending them because she had fallen out of love.

I have a feeling she might change her mind. I could be wrong there obvious signs that I didn’t see my mom said that you can’t analyze everything. Maybe the distance did both of us some good with thinking about things objectively I’m not 100% certain that she’ll decide otherwise this is something that has her playing since early March she had time to think about this. Maybe she just feels vulnerable and feeling what she feels at that moment.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Mutt,

I can imagine it is hard not to analyse when you have been receiving different messages from her.  You also sound like you're being understanding though and showing her you care by listening to what she's going through.    From what I understand, you are in a FWB situation and comfortable with that.  If she was to say she wanted to have a serious r/s with you, how would you feel about that?  Would you want to invest?   

Out of interest, what's the arrangement at the moment regards how much you're seeing one another?  I'm wondering if that is getting near to the amount you were seeing one another before, or whether you've both dialled it back.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

you have been receiving different messages from her.

That’s a good point too HQ.

If she was to say she wanted to have a serious r/s with you, how would you feel about that?  Would you want to invest?

I wouldn’t of given it a second thought a few weeks ago now I’d have to give it some thought for example I don’t want to go into something serious with her again only the be friend zoned a second time. I’d have to give her the benefit of the doubt and restart the relationship. I feel right now like she saying things that she doesn’t realize what she’s saying or she does but she doesn’t realize how she said that she knows I love her and that my love gives her a sense of security because someone cares about her.

When I brought this to a friend a few weeks ago I think that he called it right - she doesn’t know what she wants.

Starting about the beginning to mid March is when we started seeing other less about twice a week I didn’t see her for a full week and she invited me over twice in the last week which is about the same. The communication is different than two weeks ago because there’s no sense of obligation and I didn’t know what direction to go I had to process it a little bit I didn’t really want to talk. It’s different going from bf to friends.

A few months back when I told her that I was upset because we weren’t out in public she explained she’s going through a divorce I get that if she said that she wanted to a serious r/s then there’s going to have to compromise, I said restart the r/s and that would be a part of that. I will admit that lately I’ve given her a lot of space she usually comes to me when she wants to hook up I’ll probably approach her too. These last statements make me feel confused I can put that aside for now and just focus on being friends with having to ask her what she meant I still feel like she’s saying how she feels in the moment, I’m sure that she felt resells low after the bad news about her mom and that I uplifted her a little bit by showing compassion I still shouldn’t red too much into it where I should really be looking at is her actions she’s been pulling away for weeks that’s stopped once we reached friendship and for now it’s staying there i have a hard time believing that she wants more. I do feel like she likes my company I know that I help with her loneliness ( that goes with me too ) and I help her stay grounded.

If I go back to before we met she started getting interested in me about three months or two months that’s when she popped up on my radar. I thought that I saw her looking at me then I thought about it if I mention that to someone I’ll probably get different responses it means that she likes your or that she just likes to stare  What attracted her to me and I think that my mom is right us my r/s with the kids charmed her.

As everyone on this site that follows me or knows me for awhile knows that I don’t judge I leave that to god. Her culture is patriarchal and most of the men ( 90% ) don’t have any hands on with the kids she’s educated, brilliant and she worked too she was expected to take care of all the household duties she worked just as much as her H.

This isn’t a debate it’s a fact in different cultures I think that she liked seeing a dad taking care of the kids on his own I do t know if she wanted a part of that with her child she did mention when we first met that she said that I didn’t care about her son I wanted to make a point that I’m not rescuing I didn’t say that I didn’t correct her either.

With that being said, I’d give her a second chance there aren’t any deal breakers for me the first go around I also have a strong feeling that if that we’re to happen it’s a way off because she’s about half way to three quarters through her divorce and her mom is sick with a life threatening illness her mom is also in denial she doesn’t think that she’s stage 3 there’s only 1 stage left stage 4.

[Radcliff]

Mutt, if she doesn't know what she's want, give her the space to work that out by going slow on any romance, but OK to support her as a friend.  When you go slower, you smooth out the ups and downs and protect yourself.  If there are big ups and downs it will also make it harder for her to figure out what she wants.  If your friend support is steady and you hold back on romance while she processes things, it will be less wear and tear on both of you.

WW

[Mutt]

I appreciate your advice WW. She’s confusing me the other day she said that she really misses. E and loves me then today she says that I should go for my hairdresser - she said she’s a hot woman you should go for it. She said that she can’t handle much stress that comes with r/s’s right now.

Maybe when she says that she really misses and loves me she’s just expressing what she feels and not necessarily meaning that she wants to reunite. It’s tough getting yanked back and forth so I’ve continued dating other people I was on a date yesterday it went well but she wasn’t i retests in me. I’m talking to another woman we’re meeting each other next week when we don’t have our kids.

I’ve never really done this but we set boundaries she was clear that we’re done I also understand that you usually don’t break up in the first break up. I’m just glad that I’m not hung up on her and unaware that I’m stuck in an unreciprocated situation or friend zone. Sometimes it feels like she’s trying to pull then I feel bad but she doesn’t what she wants. I give her space she comes back on her own and she misses me.  

You’re right let her sort this out on her own and I can be supportive but kibosh the romance.

[Radcliff]

Maybe when she says that she really misses and loves me she’s just expressing what she feels and not necessarily meaning that she wants to reunite. It’s tough getting yanked back and forth so I’ve continued dating other people

Mutt, I think this is an excellent observation.  It took me a long while to understand that expressing feelings is not the same as expressing intent, and a woman can have contradictory, but valid, feelings about me in her head at the same time.  She is likely frustrated by this; it's not comfortable to have contradictory feelings.  So avoiding the urge to push her for resolution, and allowing her the safe space to express her contradictory feelings and work through them on her own time, is a "good friend" thing to do.  Keep checking in with yourself on your own feelings.  Great that you're getting out there and dating!

WW

[Mutt]

I just wanted to give an update it's just over a month since we broke up and she's been acting a little differently for the last couple of weeks?

I decided to stop dating this week because I can't be seeing one person and be dating. I also felt like my uBPDex ( there's no judgement from me if you're a serial monogamist ) because it felt like I was creating an exit plan in case things didn't work out with my exgf.

She's been saying things on whatsapp like "you know that I really love you". She's been both greeting me and saying good by at her door, we'll hug and kiss and say I love you I had noticed a couple of months when I had missed the signs the first time that she wasn't greeting me when I got to her house ( I have a key I let myself in ) I had a day off on Monday and usually we'd spend time together if I got a weekday day off, she works split shifts so she gets a two hour break in the morning and she invited me over to her place. She's been saying that I look skinny and she said I'm sorry that I haven't cooked for you. I told her that I got braces installed last month and I was getting adjusted to it and I found it hard to eat and I'm not eating her Indian food too. I didn't tell her that it wasn't for her to worry because she broke up with me, she felt guilty.

I've also noticed that when I sit on her couch with her she was sitting on the opposite side now she sits close to me, right beside me. The other day I was talking on the phone with her and at end of the conversation we both paused for a few seconds and she said I love you, she was waiting for me to say it, I said I love you after she she did.

I told her that I'm confused are we back together and she avoided the question again I talked to a friend of mine about this and I thought that he described her actions very well if I press her she avoids the question and will say things like I don't like living in the future, I dno't know what's going to happen I living in the now. Anwyays my friend said that she is equivocating me. She's holding back her reasons, one thing is clear is that she doesn't want to divulge.

I gave it some thought because she's holding all of the cards and I can't make her be in a r/s with me, we're in a not relationship relationship if I had to label it. I set the boundary on myself and I told her that if there's another guy in the picture, I'm done she asked me why I said because of feelings, she acknowledged that and she said that she would tell me.

[Mutt]

She just sent a message on Whatsapp that says "I miss you"

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Mutt,

Thanks for the update.  Things sound like they have progressed.  I like the way you describe it.  So how do you feel about being in a not relationship relationship?

Love and light x

[Mutt]

I guess that I left out how I feel about it. I'm disappointed to a degree and I'm not surprised I knew from the beginning that this is going to be challenging because of the differences in cultures. I think that I knew that it was an impossibility when I met her I kept thinking about what my old T said to make sure to have some fun. It's made me think differently about r/s's they're not binary, I feel more comfortable with this than I did with fwb.

The break up was amicable we broke up like adults I think that she wanted the best of both worlds when we broke up there's something about me obviously that she likes and there is something that she doesn't like about me. It's frustrating and it hurts that she won't tell me what it is that she doesn't like about me, I think that she's trying to save my feelings but I think it's just her general nature if I ask something that is not superficial she avoids it. The selfishness hurts too but I can understand that, the selfishness could be a part of her personality, it could be due to depression and it could be due to concurring life events I didn't know her when things were calmer.

I'm not trying to stay in this hoping that she'll change her mind she is stubborn she displayed that by avoiding my question repeadetly. She does display that she cares, she's smart, I enjoy her company sometimes all we do is talk, we talk about her stuff then she'll turn to me and say so tell me. I can tell that she listens and she's genuine.

I think that what I'm struggling with is that this isn't about me, it's not because there is something wrong with me this has to do with her and her reasons for not committing. I wish that this would be less complicated I've come to understand that that's how life is it's not binary it's complicated.

[Mutt]

She opened up tonight on her own I think that not pressuring her helped we talked for a couple of hours. She said that she doesn’t want to end up fighting she doesn’t want to live with a man. I told her that you think this way now but when you have more time behind you with your divorce you might think differently.

She initially didn’t want to have a r/s she said that she fell in love. This conversation actually started when she asked me if I was seeing someone else and snidely said That’s for me to tell a real girlfriend. She got angry it’s not the first time that she’s asked and kept trying to overstep that boundary but she made sense. She said I’m going to change your pattern and I said you can’t change my thoughts because isn’t about that it’s about values.

She wants me to meet other women and was asking why I want doing it I told her that I can’t do both at the same time she said she wants me to. I told her that this isn’t going to last forever there’s a beginning and an end and she didn’t agree with that she had a 10 year r/s with her ex boyfriend before her husband. He’s an actor in India and he’s married that’s when they stopped talking but she said you never know our r/s might resume later. She said you never know when you’ll need somebody you should leave in good terms.

She said I’ve never met anyone like you. I asked what is that supposed to mean she said nobody treated her the way I treated her. I thanked her she said that you deserve someone really special, you deserve really good things.

She said that I know that I’m selfish sometimes with how I think about my son Indian mothers are like that. She didn’t say this but she feels guilt about the divorce and she sacrifices herself for him. I told her that I didn’t give her enough credit because I know that she’s really intelligent but I thought that her blind spot might be that she doesn’t have a lot of awareness.

It felt good to hear it from her finally, this is the easiest break up that I’ve had and it was the most frustrating too because she was withholding I think that she waited until the right time. I told her I don’t regret that we met at all it was a lot of fun it’s not over between her and I I did leave confused again she called me after I left and again said that I love tonight felt like closure to me.

I feel good with what she had to say about me I was wrong it wasn’t about me it wasn’t about being clingy she admitted to having commitment issues, which saddens me I think that she’s selling herself short she doesn’t see that she’s a good mom, she can be very caring, she’s beautiful etc. I told her that it will happen when it happens things happen in their own terms I can’t force it.

[Turkish]

She said that she doesn’t want to end up fighting she doesn’t want to live with a man.

What does this mean and what do you think is going on here? Is there a validation target here?

[Mutt]

She’s told me in the past that if you don’t fight back you’re displaying that you don’t really care. She has said that she’s changed and used to have a bad temper in the past she did try to fight with me a couple of times over whatsapp and called me I fought back a little bit mostly didn’t JADE she was really trying to bait. She knows that she can get really angry maybe she’s trying to warn me? She said that it’s just too much stress. What do you mean by validation target?

[Turkish]

What do you think is her core feeling here that might need to be validated?

This isn't an indecent,  this is a core feeling which is the basis for how she interacts with you.  What does she ultimately want in the r/s, or any r/s?

[Mutt]

I think that she feels bad about herself, she told me that she told her actor bf that  if he wants to be with her that he has to defend her to his mom  which he never did his mom picked a wife for him and my exgf that age wasn’t very attractive she showed me the pictures.

Her mom put clef her husband and she told her parents that she didn’t want to get married to him. A month before the marriage but her father had already spent a large sum of money. Her mom explained to her that when she got married to her H that she didn’t know her H of his family and his family didn’t like her it took a couple of years for them to warm up to her.

My exgf felt rejected by her H for example she would beg him to have sex she believed that he was getting it elsewhere because he wouldn’t have sex with her, she talked about conflict with him and with him and his family he didn’t defend his wife either.

I think that she probably feels sorry for herself, she feels rejected and hurt. To answer your question in regards to me I did threaten to break up with her and I would think that she would feel rejected. What do you think? Do you think that I should validate her?

[Turkish]

I would feel badly being treated like a piece of property. She started to reject you before in hey mind you could reject her,  perhaps? That may be part of it,  but you're also dealing with 2000 years of cultural inertia which has clearly defined roles of both sexes.