Passive aggressive and the backhanded gift

[AskingWhy]

On Mothers' Day, my uBPD/uNPD H gave me a gift.  It was clearly a backhanded, passive aggressive gift.

We don't have children together but we have a lot of pets.  He has adult children from his previous marriage to his uNPD X who is now on her third H, this time to a codependent.   

It's a fact that NPDs are magnets for BPDs and codependents/enablers.

I understand that NPDs put their children ahead of their spouses.  It's clear in my marriage.  The adult children have massive amounts of money spent on them.  H paid for the cosmetic surgery of one D.  He has bailed out his son from numerous DUIs and job losses, then bought the young man an iWatch and iPhone 10 recently because his "friends have them."  (This son was kicked out of the military after only one and a half years in.  We still don't know why.)   

H spends an untold amount of money on his children in gift for no occasion at all.  And all I get is trinkets.  We have been married for more than twenty years.  I am not being greedy here.  H is a professional who makes about three times the amount of money I make.  When one of his Ds turned 21, he bought her an expensive home entertainment system with a huge screen TV and speaker set.  When his son crashed his car (for the third time), he gave the young man one of our cars--and did not charge him anything for it--a free car.

My in-laws have not done well thanks to uNPD FIL. FIL left a good career in the military to take a lifelong series of low-skilled, low-paying jobs so he could hunt, fish and play golf.  They live in poverty.  H is always sending them thousands of dollars to cover their expenses.   FIL never bought MIL any nice jewellery over their 60+ years of marriage.  She only had one gold ring she bought for herself from her working wages in the days most women were homemakers.  (FIL put his wife to work so he could spend the family income on sporting goods and his travel:  hunting and fishing gear, golf clubs, hunting guides and green fees.

When I turned 50 H gave me a gemstone pendant that did not even have a chain.  H told me, "You have enough gold chains."  On the other hand, when one of the children turned 21, he was gifted with an expensive care audio system that cost at least twice the gemstone jewellery.

I can't count the number of times H has been cheap with me while lavishing on his children. 

Righteous anger is an important part of being in a RS with an NPD or BPD.  I will say again I am not being greedy.  H is very generous to his children and himself.

H gifted me with a big bouquet of flowers bought on Friday, two days before Mther's Day.  H told me, "I really don't want to deal with the mad rush at the florist on Mother's Day."  Then on Mother's Day, I received a card with a $200 gift certificate that said, "Since you don't like what I get you, maybe you can buy yourself something nice."

H totally forgot to add that I stand by while he hands out $500 and $1000 in "just-because" money to his children while I get thrown trinkets.  H gave his son $1000 in spending money for a two week vacation in the tropics, and I suspect paid for most (if not all) of the trip since the son works as a server at a restaurant and does not have that kind of disposable income.

I have every right to be insulted and hurt.

Your thoughts?

[Cat Familiar]

Have you ever asked him why he’s generous with other family members, but not with you?

I’m not suggesting that you do this if you haven’t already because it would probably start an argument.

But it would be interesting to know what his reply would be.

[formflier]

On Mothers' Day, my uBPD/uNPD H gave me a gift.  It was clearly a backhanded, passive aggressive gift.
 
H gifted me with a big bouquet of flowers bought on Friday, two days before Mther's Day.  H told me, "I really don't want to deal with the mad rush at the florist on Mother's Day."  Then on Mother's Day, I received a card with a $200 gift certificate that said, "Since you don't like what I get you, maybe you can buy yourself something nice."
 

Can you expand a bit on what exactly the gift was that was passive aggressive?

Can you detail some he said she said around the bouquet of flowers?  My guess is there was more said than the quote about "mad rush at florist".

Same thing... .some he said she said about a card and gift certificate.

I'm particularly interested in the part about you not liking what he got you.  What did he get you that "you didn't like"?  Did you actually like it?  How did he know this?

Do you usually like what he gets you?

Lots of questions before I can really think through a response. 

Honestly I'm most interested in your response to Cat Familiar's question/issue about having a talk with him.

Gift giving matters to some people.  In my r/s "gift giving" is at the bottom of both my and my wife's "love languages".  We do still give gifts.  While there are some things in our r/s that are difficult to talk about, gift giving isn't one of them... .it seems to be an area of "relative tranquility".

Anyway... .I'll wait on your responses.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AskingWhy, To me, it's not really about the Mother's Day gifts and your frustration over his choices is only a symptom of some sensitive issue between you and your H.  What do you think that issue might be?  Perhaps it involves his kids or your in-laws?  I suspect that you are avoiding the real problem by focusing on the surface: the bouquet and gift certificate, whereas the gifts are only hurtful because they reopen some deeper wound.

Maybe I'm way off base?  If so, feel free to let me know.

LuckyJim

[Jennylove]

I need to read more about this type of dynamic. I believe my dad is either NPD or BPD. And I think my stepmom is NPD or BPD. And it's always been about her. He was lavishing her with gifts when they were dating, meanwhile,  while my sister, me and our mom were sleeping on the floor, whereas, they were home chilling on my mom's beautiful  antique furniture and sofa that they wanted to keep for themselves. And then they got married and it continued. Wife first, hunting 2nd, kids last. So in my eyes, the NPD lavishes the 2nd wife and leaves the kids behind.

[AskingWhy]

Cat, FF, Jim and Jenny, thank you for the replies.

I ran this through my therapist who said the gifts are symbolic and full of meaning.  The fact that H spends so much more on his children and parents sends a clear message:  that I am the lowest of his priorities.

I have known this for many years, and it's finally sinking in.  I have stopped trying to get him to make me his priority.  It won't happen.  

When I have asked him about why my gifts are so trivial, he rages and launches into a defence about my being greedy and it's the thought that should count.  The thing is:  his thoughts are that I don't deserve as much as the rest of his family.

I received those flowers two days before Mothers Day because H did not feel it was worth his time to stand in line at the florist on Mothers Day for me.  On the other hand, when one of his children wanted to go to a midnight science fiction opening of a film, H took the child even though he had to go to work early the next day.  Again, his priorities consider me after everyone else has had consideration.

He lavishes money on his adult children in the hundreds of dollars in each fistful.  One child was going on a tropical vacation and was given one thousand dollars in spending money.  :)id this child think to buy the generous father even a t-shirt as a souvenir from all this money?  He go nothing but a postcard.  He is accustomed to being treated like trash by all of his children that he exults even in getting crumbs of affection.

@FF on the matter of his getting me what I "did not like."  I did not like the cheap gifts he buys me.  Again, he is a professional man who can spend much more on me.  He is no better than his uNPD father.

@LJ, the deeper wound is years of being put at the bottom of his priorities.

@Jenny, I heard from someone that remarried fathers either ignore their new wives and spoil their children, or go nuts for their new wives and ignore their children.  There does not often seem to be a happy medium with remarried men with children.  In the case of my H, a lot of it was guilt due to his uNPD X having an affair and leaving him for another man whom she later married.  The lover was married and he left his wife to marry the mother of H's children.  uBPD H's abandonment issues went off the charts and he was desperate not to lose his children's affection. They abused him with emotional blackmail to buy them expensive things.  Sound familiar?

In another post, I listed where I am now:  pain, anger, disengagement and now I am at the stage of indifference.  :)o I wish I did not have to do this?  Certainly?   But I am still disappointed at the cheap gifts I get while his children are showered in expensive tech gifts and designer clothes.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hey AskingWhy... you have every right to feel however you feel. I'm also going to guess that you probably feel hurt that he doesn't seem to understand why you feel the way you feel. It does suck and it may never change. I am sorry to hear that.

The fact that H spends so much more on his children and parents sends a clear message:  that I am the lowest of his priorities.

Why do you equate monetary gifts with higher/lower priority? Why does the monetary value matter to you? I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid. I'm just curious why you have this association.

[Lucky Jim]

@LJ, the deeper wound is years of being put at the bottom of his priorities.

OK, I get that.  In other words, he treats you like a second-class citizen?  LJ

[formflier]

@FF on the matter of his getting me what I "did not like."  I did not like the cheap gifts he buys me.  Again, he is a professional man who can spend much more on me.  He is no better than his uNPD father.
 

Did you let him know... explicitly... that you didn't like the gifts or was mind-reading involved?

Can you expand on the "uNPD father" comment?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Even with so-called "normal" people, gift giving and receiving can be fraught. But add in BPD/NPD or any other PD or DSM diagnosis, and you have "fraught on steroids".

I have a different type of issue with my BPD husband. He buys me expensive jewelry that seems silly to me and not at all reflective of who I am, nor the lifestyle I lead. It becomes a burden to try and wear it so that he feels like I appreciate it. And g-d forbid, should I actually tell him that he shouldn't spend his money thusly, the level of hurt and anger he will feel will make for a very unpleasant day/week/month/rest of my life.

And he can afford it, so on one level who cares? The irony is that he'll spend money flagrantly and give me these things, but what I'd really like would be, for example, laminate flooring for one of our many outbuildings. If I were to ask him for that, and he's the one with money now--I spent nearly all mine building a very large expansion to my house so that we could live together--and then years later he inherited a substantial amount of family money, so if I were to ask for flooring, he'd likely get upset and try to make me feel guilty for spending money, but then would give in. So it's hardly worth it to me to ask for something house repair-related, unless something is actively broken.

I get a little paranoid. Is he expecting me to kick the bucket and then he can recycle all the jewelry as gifts for his next wife? Why on earth do I need jewelry when all I want to do is hang out on the ranch with the horses, goats, sheep, donkey, and cats. I take necklaces off when I ride the horses, so I don't end up searching for them later in the dirt. And how often do we go out to dinner or to an event where I would wear such items? Typically when we do, I take almost no time to get ready--just jump in the shower and don't even think about putting on jewelry.

So, for me, this sort of gift indicates that he doesn't really see who I am. Or maybe he does and is trying to make a "lady" out of me. Good luck with that. This rural horsewoman Eliza Doolittle type is not easily transformed into an urbanite by his Henry Higgins methods, no matter how many operas and symphonies he's tried to drag me to.

Recently he gave me a pair of earrings for my birthday that cost more than the house my parents bought in 1961. They're beautiful and very heavy and not at all fun to sleep in. Nobody would ever see them because I have long hair that hangs in front of my ears. So what's the point?

Of course I'd never do this, but I fantasized about returning them and getting the money, which I could use for all sorts of projects I'd like to do.

About two weeks after my birthday, our anniversary arrives. So what did he do for our anniversary? He wrapped up the insurance appraisal and gave me that. He told me that he had given me the right earring for my birthday and now he was giving me the left one.

The irony is that if he just had bought me a chocolate bar and wrapped that, I would have felt far more seen and heard.

AskingWhy, I would guess that it's really not so much the cost of the gift that bothers you, but the willful discrepancy in gifting that he seems to feel is appropriate--giving his children far more than you. It may just be a BPD blood is thicker than water thing. My BPD mother always treated my dad as a second class citizen because he wasn't related to her by blood. It really sucks. I'm sorry.  

[AskingWhy]

AskingWhy, I would guess that it's really not so much the cost of the gift that bothers you, but the willful discrepancy in gifting that he seems to feel is appropriate--giving his children far more than you. It may just be a BPD blood is thicker than water thing. My BPD mother always treated my dad as a second class citizen because he wasn't related to her by blood. It really sucks. I'm sorry.  

Oh, Cat, I wish I had your problem of jewellery!  Yes, it's the outrageous discrepancy in the gifts and not the price per se.

I think you understand my predicament.  It's not merely the matter of money.  As I said in my OP, children are seen by BPDs/NPDs as extensions of themselves.

One year he had to give several thousands of dollars to his impoverished parents to cover medical bills (FIL is uNPD and never really had jobs with earning potential even though he had an enormous opinion of himself and his accomplishments).  That year H told me he could not afford much for our wedding anniversary, so I understood this.  I expected flowers and a card, and I would be good with that.  Imagine my surprise that I got about $100 in trinkets (key ring, t-shirt, etc.) to find he was giving $500 to one of his adult children for sporting goods as a "just-because" gift.  I was livid, to say the least.

@FF, my uNPD FIL never in more than 60 years of marriage bought his wife any nice jewellery.  My MIL died with only the thin gold wedding band she got on their wedding day.  He never took her on vacations except those that were camping in which he went hunting, fishing or playing golf.  MIL's "vacation" was to clean and cook what game be brought back, or sit in the clubhouse and find ways to entertain herself.  

[formflier]

@FF, my uNPD FIL never in more than 60 years of marriage bought his wife any nice jewellery.  My MIL died with only the thin gold wedding band she got on their wedding day.  He never took her on vacations except those that were camping in which he went hunting, fishing or playing golf.  MIL's "vacation" was to clean and cook what game be brought back, or sit in the clubhouse and find ways to entertain herself.  

So... .it's only logical and reasonable that your hubby is this way.  What is the saying?... the apple doesn't fall too far...

It's one thing to be able to explain and understand it... .it's another to change the dynamics in your relationship.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Here is some advice to kick around... .I'd be interested in your thoughts once you've reflected on it for a while.

Boundaries go both ways... . Frankly... I think you are overstepping your boundaries by being involved in (or perhaps "evaluating" is better term)  his relationship with his children.  It's obviously distressing you... .so... .focus on your relationship with him... .which is "inside" your boundaries (or at least my opinion of them)

A good thought I found for you to reflect on.  

They say that comparison is the thief of all joy, and there's no question that the hours we spend measuring our own life against that of others is time that would be better spent being grateful for what we do have, or even working to achieve the goals we've set for ourselves

What would life be like for you if you thought about a gift giving opportunity coming up and you didn't compare?

What if you opened a dialogue with your hubby about gift giving in YOUR relationship... .and keep the subject on that... no comparison?

What if you showed your hubby through your actions the kind of thought that you would like put into the gifts that you receive?


Why do I offer this advice?  Personal experience... . Not exactly with gift giving... .but let's just say that my wife's FOO is "interesting".  It's shocking the way they treat each other... and sometimes me.  Here is the thing... .that's what they do... .they've done it for several generations...

I've "limited" my influence to changing the dynamic in my house... in my relationships.  I spend very little time anymore thinking about my wife's FOO.  My life is soo much better... .

I'm not saying "forget"... .I'm saying to make a choice about what you focus on.

FF

[AskingWhy]

I think Cat understands exactly where I am coming from.

@FF, you mention boundaries.

My demanding to be the priority in my H's life is, in fact, my boundary.  He is not to treat his children as his or my equals.

As a military person, I am sure you know that any effective organization (squadron, division, family unit) requires an effective leadership team.  In the military, it's the commanding officer and the executive officer.  The others, however valued, are subordinates... They do not call the shots nor make their own rules.  The CO and XO stand together in their decisions to run an effective organization.  Neither undermines the decisions of the other.

Leadership, as you know, sometimes requires punishment.  (Look up the UCMJ!)  Children need guidance and sometimes choose to break rules.  It's a part of good parenting--and leadership. If a soldier or sailor messes up, he or she is counseled or given the appropriate consequences.

Children are not equals to parents.  The husband and wife stand together as a team.  For one leader to undermine the decisions of the other is a recipe for a failure in military order. In a family, it's a nice way to divorce court.   A leader does not fraternize with his subordinates, nor does he favor them over his co-leader.  He supports his co-leader.  This means not giving the greater portion of anything to the subordinates.

Just as in the well-ordered family and the military, there is privilege in rank.  The higher up you go, there are privileges:  better pay, more brass, better parking spaces.   

Are you seeing what I am getting at?

My H, by favoring his children over me, has undermined my role as his wife and decision-maker in my own house.   I have every reason to be hurt and angry.  

That said, I am indeed, setting my own boundaries.   As you stated, gifting on not part of your love language.  If H is the type of person who gives gifts, and he is, then it stands that I, as his wife, should get the lion's share.  As I mentioned, FIL is really cheap and bought nothing of significance for his W in over 60 years of marriage.

[formflier]

I agree with what I see as your intent of how to structure an effective marriage... 100%... especially the military part.  That worked well for me for... gosh... 1994 to 2009.  A natural disaster that forced us from our farm triggered very different mental responses from my wife and I.  BPDish and paranoid behavior showed up... .I "did it wrong" for many years and "fed the monster".

We are slowly moving back to a more stable place.

Here is the thing... .my wife's current and recent version of "Christian family life" and mine are vastly different.  While I don't agree with her version... .I have to acknowledge and respect that she feels differently.

I don't get a vote on her feelings... .and for damn sure I don't allow to vote on mine.

My demanding to be the priority in my H's life is, in fact, my boundary.  He is not to treat his children as his or my equals.
 

Yeah... I pretty much figured that.  Which is why I asked the question the way I did.

Many people get confused about boundaries and rules.  They are different.

A boundary is yours... you control it 100%.  A rule is something you want someone else to follow.

Boundaries tend to be more effective and satisfying, because you control them.  I would invite you to consider how your attempts to control your husbands behavior have gone... .my guess is not very satisfying and you likely ended up worn out... and very disappointed.

So... .here is the thing.  I agree with your version of marriage and love the military analogy.

Does your husband?  Where does he cast his vote?

If you don't like the way he votes... .how can you structure your boundary... to insulate yourself... .and your feelings and values from the effects of his vote?

FF

[AskingWhy]

An update.

uBPD H came home drunk this evening.  This was the third time in twenty years that this has happened.  He stopped on the way home from work to visit with an old military pal.  I presume H did not have much to eat for dinner and, as I would later discover, had several beers.  He fell asleep in front of the TV.  Since we don't kiss anymore upon his arrival home (I get home earlier) due to his punishing me by withholding affection (typical BPD), I hadn't notice just how much liquor was on his breath until I leaned down to his face while H was watching TV on the couch.  He promised me in the past he'd only drink two beers an evening with friends.  His friend usually drinks himself to where his speech is slurred, but then the man is in his home and not going anywhere.  

I was livid.  If H got a DUI, it would damage the liability of my family business.  I told him to sleep on the couch.  He made threats to leave in his car--while drunk.  I took all the vehicle keys and hid them.  He went back to bed on the couch and fell asleep but not before I gave him a piece of my mind.

H really hates himself on some level.  His F is most certainly uNPD and his M was the enabler.  H is always cheap with me, but he goes crazy with expensive gifts for his children, including bailing one out of jail for drugs and being the enabler.  (I suspect several of his children are BPD or NPD.)  :)eep down inside, he knows his father is just a boastful loser who begs for cash from his children. H knows "something" is wrong with his F, but has not ventured to find out what it might be.  It's clear to me the man is NPD.  (One of H's siblings is a drug addict.)

H's mother died a few years ago, and I suspect he is still trying to come to terms with this.  Next month, H plans to visit his father (lives far away) and I suspect it will be an eye opener for him.

I am not about to jeopardize the family business due to his BPD.  I am contemplating having him served divorce papers now.  For many years, he threatened divorce countless times when he would split and be angry with me.  Maybe he will get his wish.

  

[formflier]

I am not about to jeopardize the family business due to his BPD. 

  

How again would his BPD affect the family business?  What boundary would you use to protect the business?

FYI... I have a real estate business... .I have restructured most of my finances there so my wife cannot access or in anyway control the money.  There have been lots of issues in the past.

Businesses need consistency... .which is NOT what BPD usually provides.

Hey... .few other questions.

It appears you would still like to kiss your hubby.  How often do YOU try... or directly express an interest?

FF

[AskingWhy]

It appears you would still like to kiss your hubby.  How often do YOU try... or directly express an interest?

FF

Not any more.  Starting today.  I am sick of trying different things to get this marriage to work.  I am sick of being his emotional punching bag.  He is still projecting his rage at his NPD father and enabling mother, and the infidelity from his X W.  

It's like being married to a toddler or a teen.  My self-esteem has reached a place where I know I deserve better.  I don't want to be married to a man with the emotions of a child.

The book, "Should I Stay Or Should I Go," is a great resource for those in abusive relationships.  

Yes, I deserve better.  I deserved not to be raged at or called insulting names.  I know H would never tolerate the words he uses against me by this sons-in-law if used against he daughters.  There is the continual double-standard.  He can rage and be cruel, but I am denied anger at the mistreatment.  

Enough.

[Cat Familiar]

So, AskingWhy, what is your next step?

I know that once we look at all the details in a relationship and can see it logically, with a bit of perspective, such as an outsider would have, we are no longer lost in the weeds.

It's so easy in a relationship with someone with BPD or NPD to be struggling to keep our heads above water and responding to the crisis du jour. After getting an overview of the relationship, such as you now have, you can't go back to the place of not seeing the totality of it and hoping that somehow, magically, it will change back to how it was when you first met.

I don't think you've harbored that illusion for some time, but you did hope that "fairness" would somehow become part of his repertoire.

In you words, I hear a lot of anger and hurt, many accumulated years of it. I know that I've too, bottled up those feelings because I didn't feel like there was an opportunity for expression of them, certainly not any receptivity for being heard. And sometimes when I did try to express that, those feelings would emerge like a runaway freight train and would be far stronger than the current circumstances warranted.

Recently I've been able to get very clear with myself about my boundaries and needs and in doing so, I've been able to communicate about circumstances in the past where I felt like I wasn't appreciated, seen, understood, etc. Because I've been able to process much of the emotions on my own and simply communicate the issues in non-emotionally charged language, surprise: I'VE BEEN UNDERSTOOD!

I'm not saying that this is a possibility in your marriage, but you never know.

Please plan out some strategies with us for the next steps you will take.

   

Cat