How do you feel about your next r/s and your ex might react to finding out

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Mod note: this discussion is a continuation from this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332441.0

She didnt want me to perform because she was jealous... She thought that I would have a agenda to *uck after gig is over . That is a one big Red flag there also

Yep, it is the one sided controlling nature of the r/s.

Toughluck, how do you feel about your next r/s and how she might react to finding out about it? As long as you are single, there is no threat to her punishment narrative - but if you eventually are seen publicly as loved and happy elsewhere, this generates self shame. Im just getting a bit angry that I feel I have to live my life - post r/s - still walking on eggshells and this does help to validate that feeling of extended control that I was under in the r/s but still expands after. Im just wondering if you have ever felt this way but not thought about it as another factor to feeling uneasy about a new r/s?

[Cromwell]

Mod note: this discussion is a continuation from this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332441.0

She didnt want me to perform because she was jealous... She thought that I would have a agenda to *uck after gig is over . That is a one big Red flag there also

Yep, it is the one sided controlling nature of the r/s.

Toughluck, how do you feel about your next r/s and how she might react to finding out about it? As long as you are single, there is no threat to her punishment narrative - but if you eventually are seen publicly as loved and happy elsewhere, this generates self shame. Im just getting a bit angry that I feel I have to live my life - post r/s - still walking on eggshells and this does help to validate that feeling of extended control that I was under in the r/s but still expands after. Im just wondering if you have ever felt this way but not thought about it as another factor to feeling uneasy about a new r/s?

[Al Kaseltzer]

Yep, it is the one sided controlling nature of the r/s.

Toughluck, how do you feel about your next r/s and how she might react to finding out about it? As long as you are single, there is no threat to her punishment narrative - but if you eventually are seen publicly as loved and happy elsewhere, this generates self shame. Im just getting a bit angry that I feel I have to live my life - post r/s - still walking on eggshells and this does help to validate that feeling of extended control that I was under in the r/s but still expands after. Im just wondering if you have ever felt this way but not thought about it as another factor to feeling uneasy about a new r/s?

you think this would generate self shame even if they were still in a relationship? (particularly one where they ended it)
like i said earlier in this thread, the idea that i would take into account her reaction/response to my actions, plans or anything that i would be doing post r/s is so crazy, based on how it ended.  but i have done it, both when it first happened and now.  i mean, the idea that i would have to feel like i need to walk on eggshells about what im doing after the way the relationship was ruined and destroyed by her is unreal.  i guess that feeling only exists for me in the sense that i still kind of want to be back with her, have her reach out, etc.  i would think once that feeling passes then id really be free of giving even a thought to her.

[Toughluck]

Yep, it is the one sided controlling nature of the r/s.

Toughluck, how do you feel about your next r/s and how she might react to finding out about it? As long as you are single, there is no threat to her punishment narrative - but if you eventually are seen publicly as loved and happy elsewhere, this generates self shame. Im just getting a bit angry that I feel I have to live my life - post r/s - still walking on eggshells and this does help to validate that feeling of extended control that I was under in the r/s but still expands after. Im just wondering if you have ever felt this way but not thought about it as another factor to feeling uneasy about a new r/s?

I think I do not have such complex feelings inside me. I just some level think that the things would be like they used to be, but at the same time I know that is not going to happen. I think/know my has completely discarded me and painted me black. She does not care if I start relationship, after she started to receive secureness from elsewhere. Her Only agenda is to get a person Who Does not leave by her side... .and she confuses it with the word love. Her love, Does not mean to respect or listening others... It is Only about that someone would not stand against her and would not give her gold showers after she has done something awful to her partner.

And I think I don't respect our old relationship so much that I can't start to have a new r/s. My "glass" isn't just full yet and I miss my ex. I think those are the reasons why it is hard(er) to start something with someone else. I have noticed that I attend to compare new Girls to my BPD ex. In my head I attend to highlight the worse qualities of my new potential Girls compare to my BPD ex. But the fact is, this girl that I'm seeing, has a warm heart which should melt me, but it (yet) have not because I may not be ready.

I just disagreed in this one thing with my new girl this morning. She just laughed and still was positive and just hugged me we had laughs... .If I compare that to start of my BPD ex, she would have start yelling. So I should start appreciate these important factors and stop thinking about minor details or work status etc.

I don't know if I answered your question but :D... .Only thing is dragging me is me not letting go. And I think my ex Does not give a *hit about what I do... .as long as she has security in her life.

[Toughluck]

you think this would generate self shame even if they were still in a relationship? (particularly one where they ended it)
like i said earlier in this thread, the idea that i would take into account her reaction/response to my actions, plans or anything that i would be doing post r/s is so crazy, based on how it ended.  but i have done it, both when it first happened and now.  i mean, the idea that i would have to feel like i need to walk on eggshells about what im doing after the way the relationship was ruined and destroyed by her is unreal.  i guess that feeling only exists for me in the sense that i still kind of want to be back with her, have her reach out, etc.  i would think once that feeling passes then id really be free of giving even a thought to her.

I don't know/remember how did you break up? But at least I did so that she got a new partner and after 2 weeks of seeing him, she decided that we should continue our own lifes with separate paths. For me, It did not make sense (after this happened) to contact her. In that 2 week period of time, I was in contact with her. She just wanted to see what kind dude is that new guy, before discarding me. And I know that her friends have stressed that I would not ever forgive this to her... .So the new guy was more potential and more secure after what she did. I am very confident, that I'm more of a catch than the new person. But the weight of our past, and the secureness of the new guy was better choice... .And I would agree with her. I would not forgive her because she blamed me for the things she did. It Does not make sense, but hey... .Many things Does not when BPD is involved.

Al, if you were left so that there was no 3rd wheel, I understand your desire to contact her... .But if she discarded for someone Else, don't bother. You loose yourself in the process. I agree, it would give comfort if she'd contact you... .and you could just say "piss off" if you wanted to. Then the situation would be on your hands and you'd feel more powerful. But in time, it Does not matter. If you have left so that you get broken heart, life is too short to try the r/s again. Meaning, the outcome would be the Same... .Meaning, it Does matter they contact us or not. It would Only be a patch to our bleeding wounds, which would get better in time anyway. And they will, if you put yourself to the path of making your self better. This is my mantra now... .This is why I do gigs and do (at least I try) anything that makes me feel good.

But I agree with you Al... .When the point comes that we dont desire any contact from our BPD ex's, then we are over them. At this point we want our previous r/s's to be like they were(and still together) but that is not possible... and that would not be good for our wellbeing. We just have to wrap these things with time... .and enjoying life without drama

[Cromwell]

Well it wont feel like it, but to be discarded is the best scenario long term.

It cant trigger abandonment because the pwBPD has carried out the discard.

Thats not to say that if a new r/s falls apart without having already prepared the next source of supply replacement, that in the scenario they wont in desperation reach out to anyone at all for soothing, regardless of how long ago. Its what happened to me when she vanished for 6 months.

When the point comes that we dont desire any contact from our BPD ex's, then we are over them.

A big part of achieving that is hitting the realisation that "all was not quite what it seemed" including the honeymoon period which is easy to get nostalgic and reminise over. They say first impressions count, but in this case it works against. These ruminations are too potent to be brushed off simply as a normal run of the mill "pining for lost love" - it is an unsettled mind that knows that something/many things here just doesnt add up properly even if there is no concious certainty of what it is.

[Toughluck]

Well it wont feel like it, but to be discarded is the best scenario long term.

It cant trigger abandonment because the pwBPD has carried out the discard.

Thats not to say that if a new r/s falls apart without having already prepared the next source of supply replacement, that in the scenario they wont in desperation reach out to anyone at all for soothing, regardless of how long ago. Its what happened to me when she vanished for 6 months.

When the point comes that we dont desire any contact from our BPD ex's, then we are over them.

A big part of achieving that is hitting the realisation that "all was not quite what it seemed" including the honeymoon period which is easy to get nostalgic and reminise over. They say first impressions count, but in this case it works against. These ruminations are too potent to be brushed off simply as a normal run of the mill "pining for lost love" - it is an unsettled mind that knows that something/many things here just doesnt add up properly even if there is no concious certainty of what it is.

I agree! In the long run, the worst ending in that moment is the best one if you think of your future. There are less hooks involved (both ways) and less of wanting the relationship to start again... At least when some time has passed. First 6 months is tough though...

In my case, my ex had chance to do her recearch about the new guy 1 year before it happened and now when I think of it, her actions, talks, how she treated/manipulated me, went towards her new goal. She just pushed me to a direction where I could not win and she would get an excuse. The scar that she left behind, is too big to be fixed... .I knew that from the start when I blocked every friend of her's right away. But after that I got insecure and wanted her back, even though I knew inside me... That I could not ever forgive her.

My ex showed her true colors after 3 weeks of dating. I noticed that something is off, but not too off so I continued the relationship. After few months she got really bizzare... .She sent me emails full of options, how we should continue our r/s if I'd be with her. I told her... .Ok lets not be together, if you feel that way (she basically wanted that, she may not love me ever, but if I'd still want to be with her
... I would have to accept her cold feelings towards me)... .That was one big Red flag for me. Next moment she was loving when I told that I could not roll with her demands.

Some may get Only love bombing at a start... .But I didnt, Only for 3 weeks.

But love bombing at the first sight, is a sign for me now, that run away.

If you are not educated with this, like we were not... .You can smell that everything is not right, but cant say what it is. Like you said!

[Cromwell]

I think I will start back on facebook, fly the flag

im not a fan of FB so it never bothered me that much, but still, part of detaching for me is about leading a normal life of doing the stuff I did carefree before meeting someone that studied me to the level of doing a phd.

[Toughluck]

I think I will start back on facebook, fly the flag

im not a fan of FB so it never bothered me that much, but still, part of detaching for me is about leading a normal life of doing the stuff I did carefree before meeting someone that studied me to the level of doing a phd.

Aaah ... .Good for you! Social media is not a good place when things go south. I mean, it is hard not to stalk... .But! Ofc it is a choice

[Al Kaseltzer]

I have to avoid it. The worst slides I've taken backwards were triggered by looking at her social media. It's one thing to know what's going on anyway, but to look at proof feels so awful.

[Toughluck]

I agree! I won't do that again either.

But in my case it was nice to know that my ex lives with the new guy. It was a tough cookie to swallow. I literally was in a fog past two weeks, but everyday had a slight improvement.

Bad news hurt, but eventually they make you stronger because if the worst thing happens... .And you get over it, nothing can harm you anymore.

But I'm not talking about daily stalking. Nothing good comes from that and you can't live your own life. NC is the best choice... .But in my case, I do not regret my little investigations :D

[SWLSR]

Cromwell I did not tell her about it.   She did find out but she acted like it did not matter but by then I was detected from her