Do Those w/BPD Have Trouble Receiving Love?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Friends,

Returning love is one thing, but what about receiving love?  Do those suffering from BPD generally have an inability to freely receive love?

My gut feeling is that they do, because on some level they see themselves as unloveable and/or have an unstable sense of self.

For example, there was a Farmer's Market near my office on Thursdays.  I made it a part of my Thursday routine to pick up a bouquet of fresh, local flowers for my BPD wife.  On Friday mornings I would often find the flowers in the garbage or scattered on the lawn.  I stopped bringing flowers home to her.  Maybe this is a minor event, yet I found it telling.

What has been your experience?

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

Returning love is one thing, but what about receiving love?  Do those suffering from BPD generally have an inability to freely receive love?

My gut feeling is that they do, because on some level they see themselves as unloveable and/or have an unstable sense of self.

For example, there was a Farmer's Market near my office on Thursdays.  I made it a part of my Thursday routine to pick up a bouquet of fresh, local flowers for my BPD wife.  On Friday mornings I would often find the flowers in the garbage or scattered on the lawn.  I stopped bringing flowers home to her.  Maybe this is a minor event, yet I found it telling.

What has been your experience?

LuckyJim

[In a bad way]

Great subject.
Long before I had heard of BPD I thought and said things which now I have learned a bit about it shows that I was right at the time.
I won't list them but what you are asking about having trouble receiving love was one of them.
I remember saying to her and her sister who I used to confide in about why can't she accept being loved.
I asked if she had a problem being loved and why can't she just accept being loved.
I remember asking if she had a problem being loved and hence the crazy outbursts for no reason, to cause problems that were not there.
So mentally and verbally abusing me to push me away because she couldn't accept being loved. Or was it purely that she is just nasty and took pleasure from hurting me?
After everything I have read I still don't have a sound answer, only possible answers, at the time I also put it down to stress she was under from family but I also told her it was not an excuse to take it all out on me when I hadn't done anything.
Stress, plain bat s*** crazy, unable to be loved, pure nasty?
Who knows, maybe it was all of the above and more besides.

[MeandThee29]

Mine was perpetually dissatisfied and insecure.

If we spent hours together on a particular day, he'd later tell someone that I never spent time with him.

If I spent time with a friend, he'd ask me why he wasn't enough.

If I did an errand with one of our children, he'd grill me about what we did and what we'd discussed.

Later on he'd treat me horribly and then be incensed that I didn't overlook that. I was supposed to 100% forgive and forget the ugly outbursts.

It was really hard to deal with.

[Wicker Man]

In my case I have come to believe when she loved me she loved me deeply to the point of rapture.  I kept a text message she sent 'I am so god damn happy'.  I believe she felt loved in that moment and what she said was in all honesty.

I also saved one where I had written 'You are putting me through hell'... .  She replied 'I know'.  In that moment she hated me with just as much passion as she loved me.

In my extremely limited experience I believe she could receive love and craved it, but the love she received  caused her crushing cognitive dissonance and fear.  This fear precipitated rage.  Ultimately the rage was our undoing and the cycled that seems to be BPD continues.


Wicker Man

[Lucky Jim]

In my extremely limited experience I believe she could receive love and craved it, but the love she received  caused her crushing cognitive dissonance and fear.  This fear precipitated rage.  Ultimately the rage was our undoing and the cycled that seems to be BPD continues.

Hey WM, Right, that's the paradox: they crave love, yet become enraged when they receive it.  I'm thinking about those flowers tossed on the lawn, as described above.  It's a No-Win situation that I endured for 13 years of marriage, before throwing in the towel.

LJ

[Chynna]

There was a point in the 1st year of r/s when I realized my xbf had real difficulty accepting/receiving love so one of his 8 holiday gifts was a book on receiving love. Of course he would not even accept the gift and it's in my bookcase... .(from my experience... .)

[Lucky Jim]

There was a point in the 1st year of r/s when I realized my xbf had real difficulty accepting/receiving love so one of his 8 holiday gifts was a book on receiving love. Of course he would not even accept the gift and it's in my bookcase... .

That's exactly what I'm talking about, Chynna.  That he was unable to accept the gift is the perfect example!   

LuckyJim

[RandallUk30]

I do believe they can struggle accepting someone can love them. My XBPD would constantly ask “why would you love me?” Or “how can you love me?” It might be cheesy to say but I don’t think they love them self nor do they have a high opinion of themselves. My ex used to say that she was a “piece of s*it”. I guess if you think this of yourself, why would you think someone could love you?

I do believe that they/she can feel loved but they have to reshape the perception of themselves and feel good about who they are.

[Zen606]

Hi Lucky Jim,
An interesting post. My experience was that it depended on the form of love I was giving. For example, love in the form of caresses was very much accepted by my bp trait ex. Yet, love in the form of remembering his birthday was an interesting experience for me. I had a little bday cake made for him which I ended up throwing away because a week before his birthday he went to his brother's to house sit for a few days and did not come back until after the birthday. As he explained, his truck unexpectedly broke down and he had to stay longer to have it fixed. The birthday card I sent him, he claimed to not have received. It was only until a few later that he "received it".  The relationship was very new so I trusted what he told me, after all "things happen". However now, after putting all of the little red flags together I can see the larger picture.

Zen606

[Chynna]

Wow! Zen, ... .my xbf had 2 birthdays that I knew of. ( that's another story ) Whenever I tried to make it a special day for him, he would - very frustratingly to me - say " everyday is your birthday". Same with all other holidays/special occasions. It's been almost 9 months of n/c. I find myself slipping back into missing his goodness these days. 1 step forward, 2 steps back I guess... .:0)

[Zen606]

Hi Chynna,
Interesting! I also found that he did not want to really share the holidays either. Of course I only was with him for about a year and did not have much of a chance to observe these behaviors on a consistent basis but i did find it odd that holidays appeared as something he was hesitant in sharing.

9 months of NC is pretty good, stay strong, if you are not with him anymore its for a reason. I just did 6 months of NC. I do still love him very much but I also know that having a relationship with him is impossible because he cannot do it, not because he does not want to but because he just can't, too many psychological obstacles in his way. I miss the idea of him but not his need to push away and recycle. I don't trust him, so what is a relationship w/o trust?

Zen606

[WaylonHol]

I agree with what's being said in this thread. I definitely think it's possible for people with BPD to have trouble receiving love. But there also might be more to this, besides the BPD. Something traumatic that happened in people's lives.

[Zen606]

Hi WaylonHol,
Yes, I agree about something traumatic having happened.  While it is not only persons with BPD/traits that have been abused, abandoned, neglected, those with the disorder or traits have been in general traumatized as children. Fear of abandonment is a big one and as far as I can see the many re-cycles  -- I want you, I don't -- have much to do with that issue and the others that stem from this. Have you read "I hate you, don't leave me" it is painful but necessary book to read for those of us who are connected or have been connected to BPD/traits individuals.

Zen606

[Lucky Jim]

Agree, WaylonHol and Zen606.  Right, there is often some sort of trauma in the background that affects the ability of a pwBPD to openly receive love.  Fear of abandonment, of course, is a huge factor in BPD, and it could be that the pwBPD is loathe to accept love freely because it makes any potential abandonment that much more painful.  It's paradoxical because they don't allow themselves to fully receive love, with the result that they don't wind up with a loving r/s.

LuckyJim

[Zen606]

Hi Lucky Jim,
Yes, the abandonment/attachment issues are very much at the center of the disorder, also self-sabotage which you describe.  I had a bp trait mom, so my childhood was filled with some very problematic, violent behavior on her part. When I detected some subtle but similar behaviors on the part of my bp trait ex, the past mom behaviors were triggered and I without hesitating cut him off.  Realizing what I was seeing scared the daylights out of me and I ran. My survival.
Zen606

[Klemp]

Hi Lucky Jim,
Yes, the abandonment/attachment issues are very much at the center of the disorder, also self-sabotage which you describe.  I got the most out of teeth whitening kits and had a bp trait mom, so my childhood was filled with some very problematic, violent behavior on her part. When I detected some subtle but similar behaviors on the part of my bp trait ex, the past mom behaviors were triggered and I without hesitating cut him off.  Realizing what I was seeing scared the daylights out of me and I ran. My survival.
Zen606

Self-sabotage is the worst. Anything else can be manageable, but self-sabotage just destroys any kind of progress a person makes. At least that was the case with me for a long time.

[LightAfterTunnel]

In my case I have come to believe when she loved me she loved me deeply to the point of rapture.  I kept a text message she sent 'I am so god damn happy'.  I believe she felt loved in that moment and what she said was in all honesty.

I also saved one where I had written 'You are putting me through hell'... .  She replied 'I know'.  In that moment she hated me with just as much passion as she loved me.

In my extremely limited experience I believe she could receive love and craved it, but the love she received  caused her crushing cognitive dissonance and fear.  This fear precipitated rage.  Ultimately the rage was our undoing and the cycled that seems to be BPD continues.


Wicker Man

I think this sums up best my experience of 12 yrs together with stbexBPDw. The only thing I would add is that these oscillations were also dynamic, i.e. as I started healthily putting down boundaries much of these “moments of clarity” when she could receive love started to slowly disappear. In my opinion she couldn’t cope with my healthy boundaries and in some form I became someone she was even more unwilling to trust.

LAT

[zachira]

I have a mother, and two siblings with BPD/NPD. I would say that overall their feelings are extremely shallow and range from being on their best behavior to impress people they are not really that close to, to out of control rages with their closest family members. I think most people with BPD/NPD have never felt loved and are unable to love others. What we often mistake as love being shown or received by a person with BPD/NPD are elevated feelings, like passion and excitement.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Interesting that there are many similarities here.  My UBPDH wouldn’t let me comfort him when he was upset. He didn’t want an embrace or to hold hands.  He actually did get a tiny bit better at this toward the end of our relationship, although I rarely could get it right - holding on too long or wrong time.  Frustrating!

Once we were at a club with a group of friends we knew well.  We had been married probably 25 years.  A really happy song was playing and I exuberantly hugged him and he said, “Get away from me!”  And we were not angry or arguing.  That really still stings to think about it.  Later, I tried to talk to him about it because I needed more affection.  He just played it off as if it was of no consequence.  However, it stayed with me.

He rarely liked any gifts I gave him.  I rarely could do anything that pleased  him and the harder I tried, the more he seemed not to like it.  Sometimes he threw things I gave him into the trash.

One time, I bought him a book written by someone he greatly admired and I wrote a romantic inscription inside.  He went to lunch with a female coworker, someone he claimed not to even like and he gave that book to her! Who does that?

Now, I have been busting my butt to get the house ready to sell.  He texts me alternately that i am trying to make him poor or yesterday he texted that I was cheap and had bad taste and
he was sorry he ever loved me.  Wow!  I am so glad I am in the process of divorcing him.  I feel crazy just reading his texts.

Mustbe

[SWLSR]

Jim

I can only speak of my experience.  If I did things go show her love she would show no appreciation.  She also would do things to me to upset me which I later learned was intentional.  Being with her was awful.  Later I found out she was cheating on me.   I am not sure anything I did  could please her.   After I learned of BPD we had split.  The funny thing was after we had split up I learned she was stalking me yet she accused me of being the one stalking.

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, It's great to see so many of you chiming in on a thread that I started way back in May of last year.

Here's what I wrote back then, which still seems pertinent:

Fear of abandonment, of course, is a huge factor in BPD, and it could be that the pwBPD is loathe to accept love freely because it makes any potential abandonment that much more painful.  It's paradoxical because they don't allow themselves to fully receive love, with the result that they don't wind up with a loving r/s.

Thanks for sharing your perspectives on this aspect of BPD.

LJ