Losing friend due to BPD mother?

[Harvest_Moon]

Hi,

I'm wondering if anyone has experienced something similar to what I have experienced. I have (had) a close, longtime friend who doesn't know my uBPD mother well other than the stories I've told. They met a couple of times and my mother was civil, but never friendly/charming as she can be. My friend's assessment at one of their meetings was that she was "the most uptight person" she had ever met.
Last year my friend asked why I can't just forgive my mother given that she is uBPD. That by knowing so clearly she is BPD, it ought to give me insight and compassion toward her, not guarding and avoiding as I do, because, after all, she is 80.
It came up again a few months ago. I told my friend it was complicated and that I am working on my guilt re: no/low contact and mostly, how to avoid her abuse. Since then, I have essentially been ghosted after a 26 year friendship. Now, it could very well be due to something else I am not aware of. But if I had to make an informed best guess knowing her all these years, I would say it's because of my interactions with my mother. I know my friend thinks it's admirable that her partner still takes care of 3 of his exes financially and otherwise, though it has also driven her crazy... .When feeling generous, she will say it is an attestation of his amazing character... .
I can't be sure, but it leads me to wonder if no/low contact with my mother is a measure of MY character for her. I still need to remind myself all of the time that it is not, so, this really hurts.
Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you manage the hurt?
Thanks.

[once removed]

Since then, I have essentially been ghosted after a 26 year friendship.

if your hunch is the case, it does seem surprising that she would suddenly make this decision.

can you elaborate? how long since the two of you spoke, what were the last words exchanged? have you tried reaching out since, and how many times? has she ignored you/not responded or just backed off?

[Mooberry]

Hi,

I'm wondering if anyone has experienced something similar to what I have experienced. I have (had) a close, longtime friend who doesn't know my uBPD mother well other than the stories I've told. They met a couple of times and my mother was civil, but never friendly/charming as she can be. My friend's assessment at one of their meetings was that she was "the most uptight person" she had ever met.
Last year my friend asked why I can't just forgive my mother given that she is uBPD. That by knowing so clearly she is BPD, it ought to give me insight and compassion toward her, not guarding and avoiding as I do, because, after all, she is 80.
It came up again a few months ago. I told my friend it was complicated and that I am working on my guilt re: no/low contact and mostly, how to avoid her abuse. Since then, I have essentially been ghosted after a 26 year friendship. Now, it could very well be due to something else I am not aware of. But if I had to make an informed best guess knowing her all these years, I would say it's because of my interactions with my mother. I know my friend thinks it's admirable that her partner still takes care of 3 of his exes financially and otherwise, though it has also driven her crazy... .When feeling generous, she will say it is an attestation of his amazing character... .
I can't be sure, but it leads me to wonder if no/low contact with my mother is a measure of MY character for her. I still need to remind myself all of the time that it is not, so, this really hurts.
Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you manage the hurt?
Thanks.

I haven't experienced anything like this, but I want to point something out.  We grew up in homes where we didn't feel validated, and our feelings were dismissed. I know I have a tendency to seek out friendships where my own feelings are often dismissed so that the other person can feel good about me being around them.  I.e.  I feel it necessary to do or say things to keep my friends happy. 

Maybe after 26 years, it's the first time you've done something that she doesn't like- and this is her reaction? 

I had a friend for a long time, who I absolutely adored.  One day she came to my home and asked for 1000 dollars as bail to get her hubby out of jail for hitting a woman that wasn't her (the mistress).  Well, I thought it was a joke, and I laughed.  When I realized it wasn't, I explained that I couldn't give her money for several reasons- the first being that I had none... .  She never spoke to me again.  It was so hurtful because I stayed up late talking her through horrible times (yet another instance where I mimicked my childhood)... . 

I'm not sure if that was helpful-

[Gifthorse]

I have experienced something similar to this with my BPD mother and if I get you right, you suspect that a very close friend has left you because she does not understand or agree with the way you interact with your mother?

To describe my mother in a few sentences, Extremely sweet and charming towards the ones she values and admires and then she has her raging side. It is like she gets possessed by a demon. She will only show this side to close family or others she for whatever reason does not value... .The ones she does value will never witness this side of her thus do not understand what she is capable of.

Like some BPD mothers she considered me an extension of herself and thought she had every right to totally control my life. One example being who my friends should be. If for some reason she would dissaprove of any of my friends (usually the case) she would set out to end our friendship any way she could. It could be through going into a rage and acting threatening and aggressively towards them or smearing me behind my back... .I have realised now she did this because she felt threatened by my friends because this triggered a sence of abandonment in her.

When I finally went NC with my mum I noticed that only the friends and family around us who truly knew what she was like could understand my decision on walking out on her! My brother in law who came from a very stable upbringing and who my mum dalues very highly could not and still doesn´t understand how I could treat such an old sweet lady in this manner. No matter how much I explained to him about her, he just could not get it. I think it is hard for a lot of people who have not grown up in such an environment to truly understand what it is like and how it effects you for life.

So how did I handle this? not very well... .This led to me eventually falling out with him and my sister as well! As for guilt? Yep, they are good at projecting this onto you... .Something that worked really well for me was hypnosis! Hard to explain but it sort frees you from your mothers emotional grip on you... .I now do not feel responsible for her being the way she is and feel much more in control of my life... .

Anyhow, Good luck with your friend and I hope this helps a bit!

[Panda39]

I'm sorry your friend has chosen to behave as she has, it's painful.

How did you manage the hurt?

I don't know if there is any "managing" the hurt, you have been hurt and to me you just feel it and try to move through it and move forward.

For what it's worth I think a true friend doesn't have to agree with you on everything but for the sake of the friendship we can put some topics aside, and still maintain the friendship.  She could have handled her disagreement with you in a very different way that didn't end the friendship or she could have ended the friendship in a more compassionate way.  But she chose to behave how she chose to behave and that is on her.

In terms of your mom and how you handle that situation my advice is keep doing what is right for you.  You know what you have experienced and unfortunately many people have no idea what BPD is let alone what it is like being in a close relationship with someone who has it.  Your situation was outside of your friend's experience so she didn't get it and then there is her experience who knows what kind of messages she received about motherhood in her own family.

I know this hurts but you can get through it.   

Panda39

[Penny123]

Interesting topic. My BPDMom's friends or sister will call me up occasionally. They are aware of her BPD, anxiety, and depression but have really no idea of the havoc she has caused our family. Her friends/sister feel sorry for her and I'm sure it's because of the victim she still plays. My Mom did have a bad childhood and I'm sure this is the main cause she has BPD. One of her friends, said to me once, "You know she really loves u." I had to answer back that I believe she does in her own way thinking to myself if this is love, I can't imagine what dislike or hate is. My Mom doesn't portray herself to her friends like she does to her family. They don't hear her say that I'm dead to her, that she wants me out of her life, that she is going to get a restraining order against me for no other real reason that I won't give her money and try to help her budget her money. When I have mentioned she has done this, they say she doesn't mean it. Basically, that she shouldn't be accountable because she is mentally sick. I do give my Mom some leeway and forgiveness but when it's said over and over again, it sticks with you and hurts. I'm glad she has some friends even if it's hardly any but they will never truly understand what I go through and it hurts.

[ijustwantpeace]

Sadly people judge based on you based on your reactions.

I know it is not fair, but that is the way it is.

I know how you feel having lost jobs, friends, and many other joys in life dealing with my Mom's mental illness.

It is the never ending saga of pain and unhappiness.

Even at 70 she won't stop trying to control people.  She does not care who she hurts and refuses to take responsibility for anything.