Hello. Are there any wives out there who's husbands have BPD?

[Ahuva99]

Hello. I am new to this chatroom and hoping to connect with other women whos husbands have BPD. I just woke up to the fact that my husband has BPD. It took me 12 years to admit it. We have 4 kids and I'm due to have a 5th child in about 2 months. I could never understand why my husband had trouble empathizing with me when I said I needed help with the kids, or help with anything else.

Now I am trying to come to terms with the new reality that he has this BPD condition that will probably never go away. All the symptoms are there . I don't really feel love for him anymore, since he doesn't interact with me much... .however, I am determined to stay married to him for the sake of our little kids who need a stable home. We don't fight, I just don't get my emotional needs met in any sort of way. I have given up trying to explain to him how he can meet my needs by talking with me a few minutes a day, eating a meal together, etc.

He is easy to be married to if I don't expect anything fulfilling out of the relationship. Meaning, he is zoned out almost all the time with his fluctuating moods, substance abuse, and iPhone.

Are there any other wives out there who are staying married to their BPD husbands, who have any advice how to cope with the loneliness?

Thank you so much for your time!

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[pearlsw]

Hi Ahuva99,



My SO has BPD traits, but not all of them. He's also depressed. He may have other issues as well. I would not characterize him as having no empathy. For the longest time I thought he was a bit selfish, but I realize now it might just have been that his previous marriage was so difficult and he partially did not know how to be a good partner. The other part is that I think his emotional sensitivity makes it hard for him to handle my emotions, so he sort of shuts down or he used to seem to ignore them.

I did some work on teaching him a bit how he could say things to me that would make me feel less isolated or lonely being in a relationship with him. I wrote them down and posted them next to where he usually sits so he could read them in the moment he/I needed them. He seems to have them memorized now and will say them and it sometimes makes us laugh even.

Are you sure there is nothing you could get from him in terms of the relationship? Do you enjoy anything about him? Feel anything for him at all anymore? I know it is hard to maintain feelings when we have not been treated well or not been able to stay connected well.

In terms of loneliness, I've had to become even more self-sufficient than I was before. Are you a social person? Do you have friends and family or activities in your community that could take up some of your time and give you something in return?

with compassion, pearl.

[isilme]

Hi there,

 

Welcome.  

I have been with my husband almost 22 years now, though married for only two as of next week.  I have suspected for years he has BPD, t fits well enough that the tools and conversations on this site have relevance.  

Now I am trying to come to terms with the new reality that he has this BPD condition that will probably never go away

Ok, I am not trying to be a downer, but you are right - it does not go away.  BPD is a condition, not something that can be "cured".  I see it as an emotional disability.  All the coping skills we have, they don't.  And our coping skills are just unhealthy enough we can be drawn even closer by the exciting, fun phases of BPD behavior in the beginning, where other people would have run at the start.  

I came from an abusive home with 2 BPD parents - I am highly co-dependent.  Co-dependents are a bit like the opposite ole on a magnet for BPD - we attract each other.  I found a man who has some of the same behaviors (though to a far, far lesser degree) as my parents.  It's what I grew up knowing and recognizing as love - he has problems, but so do I.  And I spend time on here looking at how I can reprogram MY responses to life, to my husband, and be less of a codependent and more of a somewhat healthier individual.  I have never told H my suspicions about BPD.  But I will say after being on this site for about 10 years (12?) I can say H and I's relationship has improved.  His disproportionate rages have decreased, I take less distress from them, and overall, the dramatic cycle of invalidation, fight, silent treatment, reconciliation, normal (repeat) has become much more manageable, a little less of a surprise, and shorter in the heavy drama time periods.  It CAN improve, but all we can do is work on us - the person with BPD kinda just gets dragged along behind us.  

... .I could never understand why my husband had trouble empathizing with me when I said I needed help with the kids, or help with anything else.  ... .I don't really feel love for him anymore, since he doesn't interact with me much... .   ... .I have given up trying to explain to him how he can meet my needs by talking with me a few minutes a day, eating a meal together, etc.

Ok, I can say some of this sounds like very normal emotions from a life-situation where kids have come into the household, and the parents spend so much time earning a living and/or doing childcare they lose their connection.  BPD can make this sting more, but it's not the only reason for a situation like this to exist.  Based on what you've written I am understanding he may work all day and come home and you feel ignored, and like an unequal amount of housework and childcare land on you, and you get no emotional feedback from him.  Again, this can happen in ANY relationship, not just those with BPD.  BPD just takes cuts and can pour lemon juice on them.  Maybe hydrochloric acid.  

I have mom-friends, some are stay at home moms, and others have to work and still do the majority of the child care thanks to a more flexible office than where the father works.  There can be a running refrain "I don't get enough help, appreciation, or attention," even without BPD as a factor.  

Can you look a few questions, to see what your experiences are, so others might be able to chime in to help?

What actions make you think he has BPD?  
Can you describe interactions with each other?  Good days/bad days?
How do you interact daily?  
Do you both work?  
Is one of you at home all day?  
What did you do before getting married?  Before having kids?
How old are the kids?  
How many are in school?  
Do you interact with any adults during the day?  
Go out with other moms or friends?  
What things do you want him to do?  
Have you asked?  
How has the conversation gone?

I just don't get my emotional needs met in any sort of way... . ... .who have any advice how to cope with the loneliness?

I may not be the best to answer - I grew up with loneliness as the norm?  At least, I was an only child relegated to staying home to care for my mom, who was often passed out on her opioids.  So I was to play quietly and be on call in a moment's notice - we had an intercom for her to buzz when I was wanted upstairs.  I was lonely but turned to myself, my books, favorite TV shows and movies for solace.  I don't know if you are familiar with A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens, or A Little Princess, by Frances  Hodgson Burnett, but both have instances where a child is alone but comforted with books.  

I do this still - I need a quiet time to read to recharge, to feel I have relaxed/rested.  

The short, slightly blunt is answer is that only you can work to fulfill your emotional needs.  You H, if he has BPD, has trouble managing his OWN emotions -that is a big hallmark of the condition.  Also, he likely would be expecting you to manage HIS emotions for him, as another aspect of it.  If you can cultivate the concept that BPD is a disability, it's a lot easier to stop feeling hurt by unrealistic expectations.  If my H is in a wheelchair, I can't get mad if he can't come roller skating with me.  I have to decide if I really want to go, and if I can go with friends, nieces, and nephews, or if I can find an activity we BOTH can do and enjoy.  BPD asks you to be able to adapt more than a non-BPD relationship.  If you can learn more about it, and see how you can work on you, things CAN get better.

Also, you've got to be tired and drained with so many little hands and feet running around and with #5 on the way - a much needed rest might be what you need most.  Maybe others can offer some brainstorming on ideas for hat department.  :D

[Catlady3.14]

Hello, welcome. I have a BPD husband and combined we have 4 kids.
I just came to BPD diagnosis a year ago. He is not officially diagnosed but all traits are there.
I get where you're coming from.
I can not depend on my husband for much emotional support or physical support. I have health issues. It is hard to accept that you can't really reach out to the person you desperately want attention and understanding from.
The swing of emotions really hurts me and my emotions would swing with his for a long time. Meaning when I was all good to him, I got the I love you, you're the best... .And so on.
I felt great, whole, and loved. Like I could take on the world.
And when I was all bad, I got the most heartbreaking tear down you can imagine... With that I turned to hating myself. And it wore all of us down, including Him and my kids.
I try not to personalize it and know that he does mean it, he is lashing out and hurting himself.
I don't have many answers because I'm still in the mist of it all myself.
What has benefited me the most is working on myself. Reading " stop walking on eggshells" and other info on this sight. Our husbands are not capable to change but we are.
I definitely understand where you're coming from.
Children alone can be so overwhelming!
I've kind of accepted that he'll do what he can and I don't expect anything from him. That's helped me.

[isilme]

I've kind of accepted that he'll do what he can and I don't expect anything from him. That's helped me.

Yes - this is pretty much a mindset to aim for, sorta - I know that sounds fatalistic, but it's really Radical Acceptance.  You accept that what is, simply is.  Sometimes the things that cause us pain are all the "what ifs" and "should bes" out there because we want the current reality to be something else.  In a way, it's coveting and being jealous of a false reality that is not even 100% possible.  As I've stated, even without BPD, my mommy friends are often desperate for some adult input not interrupted by a child asking "mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom ... .I burped."

Using the tools and lessons on here, you can learn better ways to communicate that may be more effective at getting through a BPD filter.  Since BPD deals a lot with avoiding shame and blame, statements like, "you don't pay attention to me, listen to me, appreciate the work I do with the kdis and house, etc." will all be shut down the minute you say them, regardless of how accurate they might be. 

If you can learn to be content with a good, normal day with no outbursts from your husband, no accusations that you don't care, that you don't manage enough of his feelings for him, that you are mean, going to leave him, hate him, think poorly of him, or whatever BPD has happen in your household, then that can be a good day.

H was never affectionate in the first half of our relationship.  Very rarely, and only in certain circumstances and easily disturbed - just like a cat in your lap will freak out and jump off if you shift your legs.  Hand holding in public - nope.  A hug or kiss goodbye - are you serious?  He would acquiesce to letting me put my head on his shoulder to fall asleep reading along with him.  As long as I did not breathe in the wrong direction, in his face.

I grew up starved for affection, but being who I am, I just chalked my needs up to be selfish and needy.  Anyway, at a point where I had almost given up and moved out, he got over it.  He started holding my hand.  He would come to me for hugs.  Sitting together on the couch, just watching TV was and is our happy place.  It's not super fancy, but it's something I can be happy with.

H never understood how tired I was when I was working full time and he was only attending class part-time.  Until he finally got his first 8-5 full-time job.  He came to me that first Friday, the day he'd usually mock me for being tired after coming home, rushing to clean so we could have friends over and then go out, and instead, he looked at me and said, "Now I understand." 

BPD can sometimes limit empathy.  Their own internal emotions are quite the mess - I can't even imagine it, but in the tornado of their negative feelings about themselves, the dirty windows they see the world through, our feelings and emotions get missed, get misinterpreted, and get seen through those dirty windows.  A mild emotional ache to us can feel like childbirth to them.  For them to see how we feel, they often have to DIRECTLY go through almost the same thing.  They can sympathize, but empathy, imagining other people's accurate feelings - no.  They can project their feelings onto other, but not really walk in their shoes. 

If your H has never been on the hook for the day in day out care of 4 children, then your comments to him may sound like "What? but I'm the one who went to work.  You just got to play all day." 

It DOES suck to be the one always keeping yourself in check, to be gauging "is this a good time to mention the internet is broken?"  But sometimes you need to give them  chance to succeed.  Try looking at some of the lessons:

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

See if any of this resonates with you. 

Your life may not be what Hollywood says a marriage is (and to be honest, what the heck do they seem to know about it anyway?), but I think it can be more fulfilling and you can feel more support than you realize given some time to employ some of these tools to shake up how things are going now.

[pearlsw]

Your life may not be what Hollywood says a marriage is (and to be honest, what the heck do they seem to know about it anyway?), but I think it can be more fulfilling and you can feel more support than you realize given some time to employ some of these tools to shake up how things are going now.

I'd like to echo isilme here! Today I had a small work-related problem and I was able to turn to my SO and get more emotional support than I expected or is the norm. He said a lot of the "right" things to me and offered ideas and generally did all he could to make things okay. I'm not usually so teary but it was nice that it didn't scare him off and despite being quite tired he did very well. It was nice that he didn't make it about him.

You never know what might possible if you try for better communication and adjust your expectations.