Diet ended up causing a lot of my disproportionate distress lately

[isilme]

So, I was in a really bad place Monday.  I've been feeling moody, exhausted, mildly sick for a few days prior, and we traveled to visit my mother in law and father in law for Mother's Day and the father in law's birthday.

I was kicking myself a bit, because I recently joined Weight Watchers to finally tackle these stubborn pounds and even though I had plenty of Points left to eat, I intended to abstain from the cake.  Carbs are not forbdden, but the new numbers system WW is suing certainly discourages eating them.  And I'd made some headway with increased walking and somewhat better eating.  But I couldn't.  I usually don't even LIKE chocolate cake (some people will know where this is going by now :P).  I told myself it was better I eat it than leave it in a house with a BAD diabetic and the father who can only have a tiny bit of cake anyway, but I felt guilty.  We got home kinda late, still had chores to do before bed, and so I was really, really tired when morning came.  And the scale had move a whole pound in the wrong direction  

So I get to my desk on Monday and have a condolences card handed to me.  A poor woman down the hall in our building had her husband die of a heart attack - while singing in a church for another relative's funeral.  He had been fine, previously.  This was closely following learning of another man who had intended to join my H for fencing practice - spoken to on a Tuesday, passed away of a heart attack on a Saturday.  My H is decidedly NOT in great health, and all of this felt like it hit me, and all I could picture was Betty down the hall, watching her husband die in front of her at church.  I waited till I was alone and cried and cried and cried.  And then a few hours later, I still wanted to cry.  I can usually have a cry and it's over, I can regain control, but Monday I was on the verge of tears all day.  I started several posts on here to work through it, but that would just start a new wave of tears and I hate being caught crying, especially at work.  I certainly did not want to cry at home, and explain to H was I terrified he is going to die on me because even though he is trying - he's hampered by his damn BPD and so his efforts are inconsistent in his sugar management. 

Then, I get home after work, and of all things, my period (sorry if TMI) was 2 whole weeks early.   
 
I am on the Pill - that has only happened one other time, and I'd been tinkering with my schedule and active pills to not have to deal with it on a trip.  Otherwise, my body follows that schedule like a clock. 

Turns out if you go low carb, or no carb, your body might... .just might, freak the hell out on you.  So a lot of the moodiness, the malaise, the poor physical feelings, the pains I thought were IBS, the extreme exhaustion I feared was a new infection coming on - nope.  Just it was all two weeks off schedule.  Had these feelings come in two weeks, I'd have expected them. 

So, while the things that made me so sad still make me so sad, I now have a bit of my emotional control back, I am not worried I am coming down with something, and am back on the wagon (no cake).

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[pearlsw]

hi islime,

i’m “enjoying” that special crying time of the month too! and there is a piece of cake someone smuggled in against my wishes calling me from the fridge. i am resisting her sugary charms.  

thanks for your note - it will help me to continue resisting.

i get how hearing those stories can make ya a bit unsettled. any chance to get the h into your healthful efforts in any way?

hugs and cookies, pearl.

[isilme]

H is doing better supporting me this time around, at least not sneering at me eating turkey wrapped in lettuce as a fad to avoid carbs, but it seems to finally be clicking that I need to make changes to actually lose any weight and keep it off - I can't eat quick, salty, quick food anymore.  I'm 41.  My body is at a point where it can't bounce back from things like I could in my 20s or even 30s.  I work full time, clean, cook, run errands, and try to make things in my spare time as gifts or to sell.  This means any time spent working out has to be quick and focused, or something has to be left undone - dishes, laundry, something.  If I get home by about 5:30, that leaves me about 5 hours to do some of all of the above and be in bed in a reasonable time, but if I spend 2 hours walking with him, I now have 3 hours... .and I'm more tired. 

I think the fact I took the steps to sign up for a program to lose weight demonstrated how serious this is.  When mad, he will lash out at me for being "lazy and letting myself go," but then feel guilty because he knows I am doing a lot he's not keeping up with himself.  He can usually lose weight simply by not having sodas, which he gave up a year back.  I gave up sodas like 15 years ago.  Still fat.  I like bread, crackers, noodles, rice, and chips way too much... .or my body just won't burn them quickly enough.  It's not even sweets.  I prefer salty to sweet but will gorge on salsa and chips if stressed. 

Anyway, part of my concerns come from simply being barraged with his concerns day in and out.  He can't go an hour without making some "poor me I am diabetic and geriatric" comment.  He has always had fears of certain conditions, and now he has a few of them.  He is not taking aging very well at all, then you add in the real conditions to the ones he invents, and he can be tiring to listen to. 

And he IS in a sad state, compared to how active he used to be.  His muscle mass is declining.  I almost cried one day, trying to put a pain-relieving-cream on his knees, they are so bony, his legs kinda skeletal.  He used to skate, jog, swim, and walked all over the place and rarely got tired.  His legs were a source of pride, and made him feel strong.  That's gone.  I don't realyl know how much can come back.

Diabetes, just diabetes, and no neuropathy, alone I think we could manage.  Even with his poor eating choices and refusal to test even once a day, his A1C is really good at his October and February check-ups.  We have another one in 3 weeks.  The neuropathy is the devil, making his feet hurt to even put socks on - any change in pressure or texture (rough shoes to floor) hurts.  Walking hurts.  His legs don't respond to all his mental commands, not quickly.  His balance is off.  The pain in the legs and feet keeps him awake at night.  The lack of sleep makes the neuropathy worse.  repeat.  If we can keep his sugars "in range" for a long enough period, a few years, the pain "might" improve, at least a little. 

Now add kidney stones.  We finally got to a urologist this week, have another imaging session next week, a follow up to verify where the latest batch of stones are sitting (they just will not come out), and what needs to be done.  We are finally getting the ones he's saved sent off to be tested, so we know what his body is making them out of (there are four common types).  This visit was hard for him, simply because he has lived in fear of pain in that area his whole life.  He was convinced needles would be put places that would be very painful (nothing happened). A lot of his self-worth and literal manhood is there.  And he fears that just will never be the same, will always hurt, and that i will end up leaving him over it.

Being his morale coach about his health and the prospects of job loss, his personal trainer, as well as doing what I need to for basic care of both of us - I'm just tired.  But I do not want the alternative, of him being gone at all.  22 years is not enough.  It's just not.  I want to be his wife at least as long as I was his girlfriend, and that was 20 years.  So he's got to get better.  That's jsut that. 

[Radcliff]

isilme, I'm sorry you have so much on your plate.  How have you been doing in the last few days?

WW

[isilme]

Wentworth,

Decent I suppose.  He passed what looked to be the stones this week, they looked to have grown in transit and then broke apart as they came out, but he managed to save them so we can get them tested.  Went ahead and did the imaging appointment anyway, just to verify it's all out, and if anything new is coming along.  Then have a urologist appt next week, finally IN TOWN, instead of an hour away. 

He didn't know the urologist could talk to him about ED as well as the kidney issues.  He didn't understand that for men, the urologist is like your OB/GYN AND your kidney person, I guess.  So I told him he needs to ask ALL his questions next week, and we can write them down so we won't forget.  His mood improved as soon as the stones started to finally come out.  The surgeon last week scared him, he was convinced he was going to need surgery, and essentially to him that pretty much means gelded.  I was scared because I'd be the one coaxing him into the surgery, and getting him through it and did not know how bad that was going to be. 

A close friend's brother in law just passed last night, 41, another person with a heart attack.  he was actually in my graduating high school class, but we did not share any classes.  I just remember his name.  He has 7 kids, one is only 3 months old.  I feel horrible for the wife.  I've been so scared myself, and here she is, with kids on top of the loss.  I can't even imagine.  They've been good friends to us, not sure how we could help - did not know the sister or her husband, but want to Do something, realize there is little we CAN do.

Down 7 lbs, so yay there.  Exhausted though.  We've both been working to lose weight, I am slightly dragging H along my journey because I am not consenting to cook different meals for both of us - I eat low point meals, so does he.  he can add whatever alter, but the food I am cooking fits my diet.  He is also insisting on walking more, even though he's tired, sore, had those things inside him because he wants his legs to get stronger again.  My head is still a mess.  2 weeks till my physical, will make sure to finally ask.  Even on 800mg ibuprofen, it's hurting pretty badly today.  At least, it's constant and annoying, low-level pain, alternate stabbing pains now and then.  Might be about to rain today, that seems to be the trigger now.  My head is so messed up I am a barometer.  Lucky I don't fly in planes much at all. 

All in all, we've passed a few hurdles that can increase his moodiness.  We saw his parents for Mothers Day/his dad's birthday.  It was a long day, but it helped him feel okay for going even if they are depressing to visit.  Got the visit to his sister out of the way, too, to take a birthday gift to his nephew (the sister is a big trigger).  Father's Day is coming, will tackle that in a few weeks.

One day at a time.  All we can do.  Prayers for those so inclined, please for the widow and her kids

[Radcliff]

isilme, thanks for the update.  Glad for you that there are signs of progress/improvement!  Great work on the healthy meals!  I need to get better about that.  I am sorry to hear the story of your friend's death.  It's a good reminder to us all that every day is precious.

WW