She wants me to attend relationship therapy.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Despite a looming court hearing regarding custody, and instigating five complaints to CPS since October... .she has asked me to attend relationship therapy with her. I went to mediation with her a couple of years ago, and two out of three sessions she ended up angry, shouting and swearing. My court submission states I won't deal with her directly due to the allegations she has made and continues to make. Her last allegations were about 10 days ago.

I sent texts stating I would think about it.  I would like to say to her that on the one hand she wants to attend relationship therapy with me, but in the other she is trying to stop me seeing my kids.  If she wasn't trying to stop me seeing the kids via the courts, I might be inclined to try for the sake of our kids.

I thought I'd would seek the shared wisdom of BPD members, and ask... .what do you think my response should be?

[SES]

Despite a looming court hearing regarding custody, and instigating five complaints to CPS since October... .she has asked me to attend relationship therapy with her. I went to mediation with her a couple of years ago, and two out of three sessions she ended up angry, shouting and swearing. My court submission states I won't deal with her directly due to the allegations she has made and continues to make. Her last allegations were about 10 days ago.

I sent texts stating I would think about it.  I would like to say to her that on the one hand she wants to attend relationship therapy with me, but in the other she is trying to stop me seeing my kids.  If she wasn't trying to stop me seeing the kids via the courts, I might be inclined to try for the sake of our kids.

I thought I'd would seek the shared wisdom of BPD members, and ask... .what do you think my response should be?

[Panda39]

Boy this is a tricky one.

So the suspicious Panda wants to know who the Therapist is?  Does she have someone special all picked out?  Is that person a flying monkey?  Is this a set up?

The strategic Panda thinks, going will probably be a fail with her ending up loosing control as you describe and that could be helpful in terms of demonstrating her behavior.  By going you would demonstrate to the court that you can cooperate on behalf of your kids.

So as we go through the journey through the Panda train of thought How about you pick out 3 therapists and have her select one and give it a go. If she doesn't agree to that then it's a no go.

I don't know how your ex behaves... .if she has good follow through, but my SO has discovered with his ex that when she initiates contact with him she is looking for conflict and engagement so he will agree to things, she doesn't get the engagement she's looking for so she never actually follows through on the thing she says she wants... .because it isn't about the thing she wants, it's about interacting with him.

Have you asked your attorney their thoughts on the subject?

Panda39

[Tram]

Despite a looming court hearing regarding custody, and instigating five complaints to CPS since October... .she has asked me to attend relationship therapy with her. I went to mediation with her a couple of years ago, and two out of three sessions she ended up angry, shouting and swearing. My court submission states I won't deal with her directly due to the allegations she has made and continues to make. Her last allegations were about 10 days ago.
I sent texts stating I would think about it.  I would like to say to her that on the one hand she wants to attend relationship therapy with me, but in the other she is trying to stop me seeing my kids.  If she wasn't trying to stop me seeing the kids via the courts, I might be inclined to try for the sake of our kids.

I thought I'd would seek the shared wisdom of BPD members, and ask... .what do you think my response should be?

I'm sorry to hear you find yourself in such a stressful situation.

Also sounds to me like
1) you don't feel to have any reason to consider this a relationship that lends itself to a therapy,
2) you do feel like giving into the coercion to trade some contact for access to your kids.

If do such a trade, you lose respect (including your own) and signal that you are open to more coercion.
Try to find out what it is you truly feel is the right thing to do without sacrificing your integrity and autonomy.
Taking care of yourself in that way is important.
You may first find the pressure to increase if the other is used to getting trade-offs but tactics, not resulting in the desired outcome will eventually be changed.

[david]

I would save all electronic communication. I prefer email myself.
Years ago my ex refused to follow our temp order for the summer schedule.  She sent three proposals through email and they were progressively worse than the previous one. I filed a petition in court to resolve the situation.
Ex then set up a mediation to resolve the issue. I went figuring it was worth a try. About three hours into it I had enough abuse and left. This was a mediation so there were no consequences. The next day in court ex had a proposal that followed the court order. I was out of court in 15 to 20 minutes.
Looking back I realized my presence was enough to trigger her. Once I opened my mouth to express an idea I had, things only got worse. I rarely see ex anymore but when I do she tries to put on a face like everything smells like roses. It is so transparently fake that others there have asked if she is alright.
If my ex wanted to go to relationship therapy my suspicions would make me think she is looking for an advocate, she wants some type of engagement, something is bothering her and I am the safe go to . I would not believe she is actually trying to make some progress with us communicating for the sake of our kids.
Early on I would have entertained such things figuring it may come up in court or maybe there was a possibility that things could improve. I do not believe that anymore. I needed those previous experiences to come to this conclusion.

[livednlearned]

She sure is consistently inconsistent   

Is there reason to think this will turn out well for you?

What is the worst that could happen?

[Solidshadow]

I don't know what she wants. Maybe she wants to save the relationship. Or maybe she is trying to find some way to trap you.

I heard a story of one woman who was worried she might lose custody of her kids to her ex in the divorce. So she invited him out for dinner and a bottle of wine in what appeared to be an attempt to reconcile the relationship. After he left the restaurant, she called the police, succeeded in getting the guy pulled over and breath tested, and used the DUI as evidence in court to get custody of the children.

Be VERY VERY careful.

[SES]

Thanks everyone!

Panda39- it is great to hear you feel suspicious.
Livednlearned- from experience the worse that could happen is more allegations and police involvement.

I'm a bit worried that she was suspended from work and blames me for it. I am also worried that she instigated a CPS referral just 10 days ago.  My gut feeling is one of fear.

I would prefer not to meet her due to the risks she poses.

Although she is proposing a reputable relationship therapy organisation.

I'm going to have to think about how to play her request.

[Panda39]

I'm going to have to think about how to play her request.

I actually like this, no one says you have to give her an answer... .(ever  )... .in a particular timeframe.  Wait and see what happens while you think about it.  She might just shoot herself in the foot somehow in the meantime in a way that lets you off the hook with the whole question.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

Does the court have an interest in whether you attend with her or not?  I would be inclined to think your lawyer would discourage such sessions, given your history of facing repeated allegations.  Your thoughts wondering whether it might calm the beast could actually expose you to yet another scenario of more allegations IMHO.

[livednlearned]

If you attend anything, make sure you know in advance if the therapist can be subpoenaed.

Ask how the therapist came to know your ex, and what her training is, where you will sit, where your ex will sit.

Coparenting counseling was initially part of my case and I met one-on-one with the therapist, who only had a love seat in her office. I could not imagine sitting next to my ex. I also researched her credentials online and found out she graduated from a for-profit university, which is not known for teaching ethics as part of their curriculum, and doesn't place their students in high-quality internships. Students who go to for-profit unis here in the US tend to come out of their Phd programs with $100K in debt, so they are motivated to make money, and they tend to choose forensic psychology because it's a cash cow. I did additional digging and found that the therapist had fudged things on her resume. The therapist made more money for her court appearances than for working with couples, and could not sign a waiver for confidentiality.

That's how I approached anything that had to do with my ex. Lots of research, a lot of eyes wide open, pre-planning.

Your ex engages in legal abuse like it's shopping for groceries. I would be cautious about anything that involves third-party professionals with her at this point.