BPD/Traits and impotence

[Zen606]

I have a question -- has anyone found impotency as an issue in their relationship with a BPD/trait male partner or ex? Am wondering if this is connected to attachment issues that can be a part of this disorder.

Zen606

[pearlsw]

Hi Zen606,

I've had to deal with the opposite end of things - hypersexuality issues.

Interested to hear what others might have to say on this topic! Thanks for the post!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Zen606]

Hi Pearl,
The impotency was an interesting aspect of my bp trait ex. I have read various articles on the connection between sexual issues and BPD, for example as you describe, hyper sexuality, also impotence, and paraphilias. What became another red flag was that he had had a stroke some time ago and he attributed the impotence to that, however he exuded much sensuality and was very sexual, never really said the extent of his sexual issues. Eventually I could see that there would be no consummation of the relationship. We did discuss the impotence and he led me to believe that he would take care of it but he never did when i was with him. So, there were issues that he was just not telling me. The false self was certainly making itself known, eventually I did see it. Wonder now how many other things he did not tell me. But, this was part of my experience with him.
Zen606

[juju2]

my pwBPD had a recurring issue of long activity, no ability to climax.  He said at the beginning of our r/s it was one of his meds.  His dr.sais he could switch that med for something else, which solved the issue, for about 3 wks, when he told me he had to go back on the other med.  I thought his issue may be related to porn addiction, I don't know what it was... .  it was one of our big issues.  I couldn't go for 35-45 min w no climax for him... .it became demoralizing for me.
Any help is appreciated.  j

[Cat Familiar]

My BPD ex-husband was hyper sexual and tried to have sex with random women as well as approaching my friends.

When I got together with my current BPD husband (you'd think I would have caught on to the pattern, sigh), our sexual relationship couldn't have been more perfect. As time went on, he, too had difficulties finishing and it became very uncomfortable for me. I had chalked that up to prescription drugs and alcohol, but perhaps it's a BPD issue.

Then, as more issues between us began surfacing, our sex life went from infrequent to nonexistent. I thought it was my recoiling from his alcohol abuse, but he also retreated from me. So this is where it currently stands... .

[juju2]

can these issues be overcome.

It just seems like an issue anyone can have in any r/s, normal or not.

He also had surgery that affected this issue, and now it's all worse.  His nerves were cut by an inexperienced surgeon... .

[zachira]

It makes sense to me that hyper sexuality and impotence could alternate in a relationship with a BPD male. Hyper sexuality and impotence are both about being disconnected from feelings and fear of intimacy, so sometimes a BPD male would be able to completely disconnect by either being totally in his head sexually or ovewhelmed by feelings about performance which would make him temporarily impotent. When we are obsessed with perfection and do not show compassion to ourselves or our partner, there are likely to be some  hurtful misunderstandings during sex.

[Zen606]

Hi Juju2,
Porn addition appears to be a problem for a number of men in the U.S., it is also a good way to not get close to someone else.  This behavior can cause psychological issues for the wives and partners of these men. I had an experience with an ex many years ago, he was not a bp trait person, as far as i could tell but has PTSD from childhood and the military. The childhood trauma included sexual abuse by an uncle over time. I found it odd that while he professed to love me and shower me with gifts he -- very soon after the relationship started -- would not touch me.

The long activity you describe can be very frustrating for the partner, in our minds we can start to think that we cannot please him and then ... .it goes from there.

If the person has bp traits, it would make sense for them to seek psychological help, and the partner seek assistance as well with their own therapist. I started psychotherapy, which in my case its more like analysis, a month before the last break-up with my bp trait ex. I am making progress but it will be slow and long because my mother had bp traits -- and the issue of merging of mother-child is one of the cores of the analysis. My mother had never been diagnosed, but she is in virtually every page of "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Lawson.

Zen606

[juju2]

Thank Zen.

My ex husb whom I have two kids w had porn addiction, and did not have the issue we had... .although it was a downer, it was like he wanted these unavailable women, not the real person living w him.


 I believe my s.o. had a porn addiction, I caught him on his phone and he quickly shut it off.  Also, he gave me his old phone once, and there were saved phrases(guess he didn't think about that, he got rid of everything else) that he nvr sent to me, stuff he may have sent to the girls online site, I think he would get texts.  Idk.  He is 19 yrs in recovery for another addiction... .

all of this affects intimate r/s.  He is always checking out other women, I had hope this would go away, he does it very low key.  I know how he has been, and this hasn't changed... .oh well. 

I am trying to keep the focus on me, and my codependency.  am making progress.  Thank you everyone for listening.  j

[Zen606]

Hi Juju2,
Porn is a poor substitute for a real woman, but some prefer this type of "relationship" because of attachment issues, etc.  Yes, I have found that those with an addictive personality can experience several additions at a time, like the porn, and substances, drugs, sex, risky behavior. This is hard on relationships, how can any trust be established? And although we all check out other people, when there are other sexual issues involved, the checking out of other women around one's partner is very problematic, leading to much conflict and added mistrust. I believe that with BPD or trait partners the checking out could be part of the abandonment issue. Keeping a supply in case they are abandoned.

You are doing the best thing -- taking care of you. It will really pay off.
Zen606

[Lalathegreat]

My ex was extremely sexual in the beginning, but as issues in our relationship began to reveal themselves, things became dysfunctional sexually very quickly. He had a hard time finishing unless I allowed him anal, he would frequently masterbate to finish himself which made me feel quite worthless. During periods of extreme depression (or during general rage and upheaval) he would have a hard time performing at all. We once went close to a month without any intimacy. He blamed me for this of course.

I do know he frequently used porn but don’t know how much that has to do with his issues functioning versus his issues with intimacy in general.

[foggydew]

Yes, definitely problems in this area.

[Zen606]

Hi Lala,
Sounds like your ex had many issues overlapping. Years ago I dated a non BPD/trait person who had very serious anger issues, combined with diagnosed PTSD, and a history of sexual abuse. There was no sex, he was porn addicted. The only way he could have sex with a real live woman was immediately after viewing a porn movie. Very sad for both he and I.

Best thing to do is work on ourselves and be intent on meeting someone healthier than our exes.
Zen606

[jokkun]

My boyfriend (BPD/Histrionic traits) went through a hypersexual phase (or at least he said he did, and from what I've seen -- he did) prior to us dating (he had a pretty bad injury prior to use dating that he says caused the change). Now he's somewhere in a normal range, I'd say. It was very "hot" early into the relationship, but now it's lukewarm (he has his days).

Myself (BPD/Narcissistic traits), on the other hand, lose interest in sex after a while of being with someone. The desire will pop up every now and then and with enough prodding from the other person, though.