Husband is Adult child of Narc and I have sociopathic ex: advice?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm a survivor of DV from a 9 year marriage to a BPD/sociopath who is retired special forces/sniper... .scary human.  i got no contact with him for my 14 yo son thru a terrifying court battle that ended last december, in which i was accused of kidnapping.  my PTSD is currently still so intense, that I can't work.  my nervous system is really struggling.

i'm remarried to who i thought was a really kind guy for the past 6 years.  the past 3 years have been a blur of PTSD symptoms, like a waking nightmare, as I couldn't sleep more than 5 hours a week for 2 of those.  immediately after court ended, i got the flu badly and it segued into a nervous system breakdown of sorts.  it was during that time, i began to notice signs of gaslighting in my current relationship to my new husband.  i began to see that he was stonewalling and gaslighting me and thru the intense veil of PTSD/Flu, i was assessing what was going on, wondering whether i was simply projecting my PTSD on to him.  he admitted he was gaslighting me, and i had the wisdom to record it on an audio device.

thru many many hours of therapy, i have realized that he is the Adult Child of a Narcissist.  he was the Golden Child and never broke that bond, and recently used his mother to attack me, because he is so terrified to confront me over anything.  he's always been that way, and i mistook it for kindness and sweetness initially.  then i saw that he's just really really scared of disagreeing with anything, anytime.  it's very hard to be married to someone who refuses to disagree with you!  ha.  he's a rather extreme people pleaser, and is widely known around our community with a beloved reputation.  like, warm fuzzy teddy bear type beloved.
he's in therapy attempting to work on these issues, but all of his therapists are taken with his warm fuzzy teddy bear exterior.  when he tries to bring up feeling and acting spiteful towards me, his deep interest  in BDSM, his resentment of me, he says they redirect the conversation, even quoting them as saying things like, "I just don't see that in you."

what i want to know is, can he ever change?  he's acting out his motherwound on me and it's preventing me from healing my PTSD, and i'm so sick i can't even work.  this has led to a super stressful situation for me, esp having my son needing recovery space from PTSD from his sociopathic father's abuse as well.

help!  we need to be functioning again in the world... .we've got somatic experiencing therapists, acupuncture, nature therapy, CBD, and no contact with sociopath, but i'm trying to figure out whether I have to leave my current husband for us to recover  or if there's actually a possibility that with dedication to the work, my husband could heal his motherwound and reflective narcissism in a way that helps him speak up and communicate his needs in the relationship and deal with the people pleasing!  his resentment's coming out in really attacky ways, like using his narc mother to chastise me about relationship issues instead of speaking to me himself.

thanks for reading.

[Meriwether]

I'm a survivor of DV from a 9 year marriage to a BPD/sociopath who is retired special forces/sniper... .scary human.  i got no contact with him for my 14 yo son thru a terrifying court battle that ended last december, in which i was accused of kidnapping.  my PTSD is currently still so intense, that I can't work.  my nervous system is really struggling.

i'm remarried to who i thought was a really kind guy for the past 6 years.  the past 3 years have been a blur of PTSD symptoms, like a waking nightmare, as I couldn't sleep more than 5 hours a week for 2 of those.  immediately after court ended, i got the flu badly and it segued into a nervous system breakdown of sorts.  it was during that time, i began to notice signs of gaslighting in my current relationship to my new husband.  i began to see that he was stonewalling and gaslighting me and thru the intense veil of PTSD/Flu, i was assessing what was going on, wondering whether i was simply projecting my PTSD on to him.  he admitted he was gaslighting me, and i had the wisdom to record it on an audio device.

thru many many hours of therapy, i have realized that he is the Adult Child of a Narcissist.  he was the Golden Child and never broke that bond, and recently used his mother to attack me, because he is so terrified to confront me over anything.  he's always been that way, and i mistook it for kindness and sweetness initially.  then i saw that he's just really really scared of disagreeing with anything, anytime.  it's very hard to be married to someone who refuses to disagree with you!  ha.  he's a rather extreme people pleaser, and is widely known around our community with a beloved reputation.  like, warm fuzzy teddy bear type beloved.
he's in therapy attempting to work on these issues, but all of his therapists are taken with his warm fuzzy teddy bear exterior.  when he tries to bring up feeling and acting spiteful towards me, his deep interest  in BDSM, his resentment of me, he says they redirect the conversation, even quoting them as saying things like, "I just don't see that in you."

what i want to know is, can he ever change?  he's acting out his motherwound on me and it's preventing me from healing my PTSD, and i'm so sick i can't even work.  this has led to a super stressful situation for me, esp having my son needing recovery space from PTSD from his sociopathic father's abuse as well.

help!  we need to be functioning again in the world... .we've got somatic experiencing therapists, acupuncture, nature therapy, CBD, and no contact with sociopath, but i'm trying to figure out whether I have to leave my current husband for us to recover  or if there's actually a possibility that with dedication to the work, my husband could heal his motherwound and reflective narcissism in a way that helps him speak up and communicate his needs in the relationship and deal with the people pleasing!  his resentment's coming out in really attacky ways, like using his narc mother to chastise me about relationship issues instead of speaking to me himself.

thanks for reading.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Meriweather,

I cannot say what is or is not possible for you and yours regarding such serious issues. But what I can offer is some support and encouragement! What you have the most control over here is yourself and that is likely therefore the best place to put your focus. When you really stop and look at it, and put yourself first, what do you think is right for you?

Healing you and managing with your PTSD sounds like the priority, and anything interfering with that may be too much.

I invite others with more direct experience or insights into Narcissism to join us here!

with deep compassion, pearl.

[Mutt]

Hi Meriweather,



Id like to join pearlsw and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry that you’re PTSD is worse it has to be hard to function. I’d like to echo pearlsw we can’t tell you to leave we can support you. You can’t control what others do you can only control yourself. It’s hard to say if someone is going to get better or not see you prepared to accept that this is who he is?