Just when you thought you had it down. I've never seen anything like this.

[BasementDweller]

Hi all,

Recently I posted a thread about my partner being in a prolonged state of dysregulation/dissociation:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324989.0

At last pass, I was giving him space because he was (again) threatening to "kick me out" and blaming me for all manner of things that were not related to reality based events. I was trying to stay out of the house more, and work longer hours or hang out with colleagues after work to avoid going home. About a week or two ago I went numb and just stopped responding to his bizarre behavior because I'm utterly shell shocked by it all, and have almost become catatonic, as many of his behaviors have been hinging on what appears to be schizoid/paranoid/psychotic. He has been alternating between shunning me, taunting me, insulting me, accusing me of really strange things, and being relatively pleasant, and almost normal.  He will cycle though these phases multiple times in a day.

Yesterday, after a full day of silent treatment, he sent an email to all of my email addresses, personal, professional, and my actual work email. It said only my name with a question mark. I felt a sharp stab of fear and ignored it and deleted it on every account. Because I feared a barrage of insults, as that is his MO a lot of the time. To email me long hate filled letters.

I finally wrote him a very unemotional and brief letter (not via email - I printed it to take home to him) stating that if he really wishes to separate, then we need to have brief cooling off period (thankfully he travels to the corporate office to work next week, so I'll have some time to myself) then discuss the contingency plan calmly and move forward with it. I also reminded him that since this was his wish, he should do the legwork.

Initially he refused to read or touch the letter. Then threatened to rip it up and throw it in the trash without reading it. Eventually he asked me to read it to him. He again balked at the idea of having to actually participate in my relocation, or any kind of cooling off period. It was almost as if he realized this could be done civilly, but would not consent to that. Still he insisted I should "just leave". That's not even logistically possible. Obviously, this takes time and effort - to relocate.

He then began to talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

Man, did I use the tools. I sat quietly. I nodded. I asked a few clarification questions, "You feel as if I don't love and respect you?"

He went on for a full 90 minutes barely taking a breath. I said about five validating words. I couldn't get anything else in. His monologue was all over the map. Anything from insults and accusations, to blaming me for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life, to reminiscing about how wonderful our relationship was, to saying that our relationship was hell on earth, to talking candidly about how he has never had such amazing intimate relations with a woman and he had eyes only for me, and couldn't even think about wanting to be with anyone else (oddly, that really does seem to be true) to saying that he knows I will have him thrown in jail, to telling me that he firmly believes that I am a CIA agent here to conduct psychological experiments on him, and soon I will reveal that I have a different name and different identity, and I never loved him, and this is all an assignment by the US government. He said he's expecting any moment for me to show my CIA badge, kiss him on the cheek, and tell him goodbye, and that all of this was never real. (Then give him a small sum of money for his suffering, of course.) 

I felt like somebody had poured a pitcher of ice water down my spine, it was... .chilling. He rounded out by lamenting about how his whole family and his best friend hate him because of me. (They don't.) Eventually when he saw I wasn't having the emotional response he was expecting, he called me a remorseless psychopath.

Having had enough, I told him that I was sorry he felt this way, and I understood how upsetting it all must be. I did a little SET and the "T" part was that the quality of his interpersonal relationships with friends and family are between him and them, and I will absolutely not take responsibility for this accusation. He said "I think that's enough for tonight!"

So I said, "Ok, goodnight" and walked away and went into another room to read.

He came in the room twice and once tried to act normal making small talk about random things. I politely nodded. He came in a second time to give me a long, impassioned speech about how he knows that when I leave I will not be his friend anymore, but he wants me to be, and why was I still friends with all my exes but would not be his friend, and how unfair that was. I looked him square in the eye, and listened, but said nothing. Absolutely nothing. I had no idea what TO say! He went full circle with the whole scenario in his own head. He came up with the accusation, argument, and conclusion all on his own. After that, he finally left it alone for the night.

This morning I awoke to find that he had set up the coffee maker for me, and put my favorite coffee cup out on the counter. This is the first act of generosity or human kindness I have seen from him in a while. He had moved the coffee maker to the edge of the counter for me because that's what I usually do. All I had to do was hit the button on the machine.

I had my morning coffee and did the same for him, and left for work before he got up.

I left the coffee maker in the back against the wall, and left the filter compartment open though, making him have to do an extra step. Otherwise same set-up. "When they pull, pull back, but a little less." 

Normally I consider myself pretty astute and able to "figure things out" but this is really beyond the realm of anything I have ever seen. I'm realizing that while he often says he's "dumb" compared to me, and my intelligence intimidates him... .I don't believe that at all. He isn't even a native English speaker, but he can articulate the most amazing flights of mental fancy in such brilliant English that the clarity with which he articulates his madness scares me. And I don't scare easily.

Still, I am holding onto a thread of hope that he will return to sanity. I know that recent painful therapy sessions and some other family related events have triggered him as well as our relationship. I am finding that not responding is kind of helping, but I'm at a loss as to what to do next. The behavior is so inconsistent, I don't even know what I'm responding to anymore. Another poster said earlier "Sometimes they go so far down the rabbit hole, they don't know how to come back out." I think that may be the case here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi BD,

Wow. That was a pretty stunning read. I don't know what to make of the really wild accusations either. I heard some recently and I just thought, "Huh? Where are you getting this?" He thought I must be feeding information about him to someone else to get him fired from his new job. But once he's calm again he's happy as a clam in my case. I am glad in a way, I don't experience some of the daily barrage many do, I can't believe I am glad for any of this, but I get the extremes. It is either all good or all bad.

I applaud for letting him speak for so long and using the tools. It sounds he had a real backlog he needed to get out. My SO actually lets me go on at times and listens. I just wish he could learn not to interrupt me at other times, would make life so much easier if he didn't attack and could patiently wait. Well, a gal can dream!  

So anyway, is he taking any kind of medication? Do you think he needs any?

with compassion, pearl.

[BasementDweller]

Hi pearl!

Yeah, it was surreal, but not the first time he's shown signs of paranoia. I'm sorry you have also had to suffer through similar. Has your husband been paranoid, and thinking really bizarre things like that? I'd almost be inclined to think my BF is joking... .but no. 

Sometimes he is ok with letting me prattle on a bit, too, but he normally also interrupts and argues, and so it ends up causing more problems. I've learned that "TMI" doesn't go over too well. ;-)

He's not taking any medications, and I'm not really sure what he might need. I also suspect he wouldn't consent to it. A T tried to put him on anti-depressants many years ago, but he stopped taking them because he couldn't make it through that initial "fog" phase. 

He started CBT on Monday - no word of how it went. I came home to find him in fetal position on the sofa looking really miserable. Once he saw I was home he went into the basement without a word. I am reluctant to ask right now, since he's so dysregulated at this time.

The 90 minute rant and my total silence was a huge feat for me. I think I'm just too burnt out and exhausted to even protest anymore. Which might be a good thing. 

[babyducks]

Hi BasementDweller,

First I hope you are giving yourself a lot of credit for sitting through that and handling it well.  Really well.

My Ex experienced two psychotic breaks during our relationship that I am absolutely sure of.   One that I am kinda of the fence about.    It might have been psychosis, might not have been.

Either way watching some one I knew and cared about become a different person was wicked scary.   I was actually a little more fortunate than most because my Ex knew she could become psychotic and a rudimentary emergency plan in place.

Does your partner have a diagnosis?    and do you have a emergency plan?   rudimentary or not?

'ducks

[BasementDweller]

Hi, babyducks!

He does have a BPD diagnosis. Nothing else really, that I'm aware of, though I suspect there could be bipolar elements in there, because he can get rather manic/hyper/overproductive, and also get really low for extended periods.

I'm struggling with the psychotic/paranoid behavior because I don't know if anyone else has ever seen him go that off the rails. A lot of people see him as a bit "off" - but I'm not sure of this level of paranoia has presented itself to others. I wonder if I trigger it, and that makes me feel really bad. Yesterday when I let him rant and said very little, he came around to something a little more normal. Not really "good" but not as paranoid as that.

Not sure what I'll walk into today. Sometimes him being alone with his thoughts is disastrous. Other times... .not so much. It's really unpredictable.

What did you do when your partner acted psychotic? How long did it take her to return to some kind of baseline?

[babyducks]

Hi BD,

my partner was diagnosed Bipolar 1 comorbid with BPD.    She was aware that mania was a problem, complete with delusions and hallucinations.     Since she had a diagnosis and a medical support team we had a rough understanding that in the event of uncontrolled mania I would take steps to hospitalize her.

I can't really say it worked so well in practice.     the last episode she had was during the winter, a horrid blizzard was raging and she went outside to drive the car away in a short sleeve shirt.   there was like 20 inches of snow down and temperatures below zero.   I didn't make the call.    I probably should have.   I think I'll second guess that for a long time.  everyone ended up safe but it was dicey for a while.


does he have a health care proxy who can make medical decisions for him?   have you every thought through making an emergency call for a psychiatriac event?    do you have permission to contact his therapy providers?

What did you do when your partner acted psychotic? How long did it take her to return to some kind of baseline?

The last two times I did very little.   I had become normalized to the events.   and like you I was pretty freaking numb and burnt out.   unfortunately she never did return to baseline with me.  it's one of the reasons our relationship ended.


do you have some one in the mental health field you can brain storm this with?   a therapist?   I am concerned about you trying to go this alone.   some times it's helpful to identify decision making paths if there is a danger of injury to your partner or some one else.

'ducks

[BasementDweller]

That sounds terrifying with her driving off in the snow like that. My partner has done similar as well.

I really do need/want to see a counselor as well, but my job is so demanding and time consuming, it’s really hard to find the opportunity. I’ll have to see what I can sort out. I feel like I’m well past insane now myself.

[Catlady3.14]

Hi BD,
I'm sorry for all you're going through. You seem to have incredible character and strength. I know it is tiring but good job on not making things worse and getting through that 90 mins.
My husband has had a few of these episodes and I am sometimes unsure if during his "normal" he hides his delusions. He sometimes puts on a good front and is so intelligent, he can have me spinning.

My heart goes out to you .

[babyducks]

I really do need/want to see a counselor as well, but my job is so demanding and time consuming, it’s really hard to find the opportunity. I’ll have to see what I can sort out. I feel like I’m well past insane now myself.

I am going to nudge you in this direction.    nudge.   nudge.   you are dealing with an awful lot of stress.    you need an advocate.   some one educated who can support you.   someone whose entire job it is to look out for you and help you make decisions.

[BasementDweller]

Nudge accepted. :-) Thank you for the kindness. I will absolutely look into this. I know I need to. It's just so hard when my job is my means of survival and demands so much time and energy.

But yeah. I know I have a self-care deficit right now.

[Lady Itone]

Oof. I feel for you, I've been through several psychotic episodes with my gfBPD who is bipolar. The police picked her up walking down the street naked once (I was out of town at the time.) Another time, I had to call the ambulance to come get her. It's exhausting and terrifying.

Her psychotic episodes usually result in hospitalization, voluntary or forced, she doesn't tend to get better on her own. But then, that would require getting the right sleep and eating properly and taking her antipsychotics and avoiding drugs and alcohol. During manic/psychotic episodes, she wants to stay up not eat and pop Adderall.

Perhaps he needs an antipsychotic. Do you feel like your husband is a danger to himself or others? Is his therapist aware of this behavior? Is there anybody else in your support system who can spend some time with your husband, just kind of a reality check? I like to check in with her support system--her bother and mom, housemates, etc., when I think she's going off the rails, so I'm not lone judge, jury and executioner.

Keep us posted please.     

[mylovewbpd]

What a day? I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I wish now that I had taken the time to let her rant and vent without reacting. I guess we can only do what we know to do until we know better. You knew better and kept your wits about you and it may have paid off. I will pray for you both and I hope you get to have some peace for a few days/weeks so you can practice self-care. I'm seeing, through you and others, the patience and love required to keep a relationship with a BPD partner. My wife doesn't even want me around but if she changes her mind... .I will have to set major boundaries and she will need to seek therapy.

Good luck to you. You have a huge heart.

[BasementDweller]

Thank you ladyItone and mylovewBPD. I'm sorry to hear about what you both have been going through as well.

I am not sure if he needs an anti-psychotic. It's quite possible, but I definitely do not think he would consent to taking any meds. As far as a support system, that's doesn't really exist in the country and culture I am currently living in. Even the health care system and the legal system really have no proactive approach to... .anything. They avoid having to "do anything" like the plague.

His family hides their head in the sand. People don't talk to each other here. Any sort of uncomfortable topics are taboo. People just "disappear" if they are approached even civilly and with diplomacy about anything they don't want to acknowledge. I learned very quickly that reaching out to anyone at all, even asking politely for help is seen as an act of obtrusive aggression, and gets you marginalized, fast. There's a sickness of the soul in this society, some sort of horrendous "avoidance disease" and I can't really wrap my head around it. A complete avoidance of the truth.  He and I have no mutual friends in common as I have become pretty isolated in this relationship, and being in a foreign country. Unfortunately, I am completely alone in this. I have a friend or two that I can talk to when I need support in general (other expats, of course) but nobody that REALLY knows what goes on in our house or is in any position to do much.

That's why this board is such a godsend.

[pearlsw]

Hi pearl!

Yeah, it was surreal, but not the first time he's shown signs of paranoia. I'm sorry you have also had to suffer through similar. Has your husband been paranoid, and thinking really bizarre things like that? I'd almost be inclined to think my BF is joking... .but no. 

The 90 minute rant and my total silence was a huge feat for me. I think I'm just too burnt out and exhausted to even protest anymore. Which might be a good thing. 

Hey BD,

Thanks for your nice reply and for asking!

It's been odd. He's twice accused me of trying to poison him, and once accused me of trying to share information about him with his new job to get him fired. None of these things is even remotely true. When I brought up what he said about trying to poison him in front of another person, a doctor, he said he didn't mean it. Which isn't exactly a nice alternative to paranoia if you get my drift.  I preferred to think it was paranoia... .It was definitely odd and hurtful.

I think he just likes to throw a lot of garbage at the wall and see what sticks. He can get a really scary look on his face ("crazed", i am not physically afraid of him) and he will say anything he can possibly cobble together to hurt me when he is being extreme. On the other hand he also extremely LOVES me which I don't feel so great about either. He will also often say "he is crazy" or "crazy at times" and he "does not understand" himself. I wish we could get a clear diagnosis, but I doubt that will happen. They just gave him two anti-depressants and we've had to go from there. Healthcare is expensive here so getting all the needed help is out of reach.

I'm in a similar expat situation! "No one really knows what goes on or is in any position to do much". Sigh.

wishing you peace! pearl.

[BasementDweller]

Oh, pearl. :-(

I'm getting a bit teary reading what you wrote because I can totally empathize with that. I have also been accused of trying to poison him. He used to love my cooking, brag about it to everyone, but now he will not accept it, because he thinks I am "up to something". He has expressed that he fears I will poison his food, or stab him in his sleep. All I can do is keep my distance. It's so sad. The irony is I am the one person left standing that still looks out for his well being. Everyone else is kind of over it. Though my support is in a very subtle and non-engaged way now. No rescuing. I haven't had the accusations of sabotaging his job, yet... .but he has accused me of filing false police reports behind his back, or hiring lawyers to "destroy him". I barely have time to wash my hair or eat these days, much less start an in depth, behind the scenes, espionage campaign to destroy someone with lawyers and cops, and the CIA. (See above.)

I know the scary/crazy look. I don't know what your husband looks like in that mode, but mine is sort of manic and wide-eyed with a weird half smile, and a look of something like triumph in his eyes. Almost like the "Ah-HA!" moment. Where the lightbulb comes on.  Because he thinks he has finally cracked the code, and figured out my sinister motive. To destroy him. With cops and lawyers and poison and knives and the CIA. The more I think about it, the more disturbing it gets. I'd have to be a pretty sh!tty assassin to have all those resources at my disposal and have him still be around to rage at me every day.

The expat thing is rough. You don't get the same level of support and understanding as you would in your own country. No matter how "tolerant" a society is - foreigners are always given a little less trust. We truly are on our own. Even the women's shelters stick their head in the sand. Unless you're a native and your partner is a foreigner. The other way around... .nope.

Throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks. Yes, I think that's what is happening here. I'm praying it's a massive extinction burst/panic response that will lead to a period of re-regulation when nothing actually sticks. He has to burn out eventually and just want to give it a rest. I hope.

Peace back at ya! How are things today?

[SunandMoon]

Dear BD

I'm so sorry that things are still going so badly. I have to applaud your handling of it though - you're doing an awesome job!

I mentioned in your previous thread that this sounds like psychosis. PwBPD do experience dissociation and psychotic breaks but the psychosis and paranoia you're describing make me think you're dealing with something more; possibly BPD comorbid with bipolar. In which case, antipsychotics would be appropriate.

My first thought reading your description of the 90 minute rant was that you need to get him help. That someone (professional) needs to know about this and that is too big to handle on your own.

But then I thought: what would I do? I live on a small island in SE Asia with virtually no mental health facilities. I've seen the one mental hospital here, with its beds with leather straps and filthy dormitories, and there's no way I would ever let anyone I love be in that situation! So I empathise with you having few options.

I wish you had videoed that rant. Is it possible to make an appointment with his therapist and describe what is happening? I know because of patient confidentiality his therapist can't discuss him with you, but he/she needs to know the severity of his condition (if only to avoid any more trauma in their sessions at the moment).

I can hear how much you love him and how hard you are working to return things to baseline - hoping that he does stabilise soon x

[SlyQQ]

Your p appears slightly manic a very dangerous time.
Rapid back and forthing can explode, batten down hatches for possible bad breakup, good luck.

[BasementDweller]

Your p appears slightly manic a very dangerous time.
Rapid back and forthing can explode, batten down hatches for possible bad breakup, good luck.

SlyQQ, thank you for that warning. I could handle a break-up - but this... .I don't even know what the heck I am dealing with.   I'm indeed in brace position.

SunandMoon - thank you for that. I did once contact his T (I think he has only met her once so far, if he even went that day) I gave her some background on what has been going on. She confirmed that she received the mail and thanked me but of course said she can't discuss his treatment. I fully understand that.

I am just now beginning to get that he may have BPD/Bipolar combined. He does have manic episodes, they aren't the kind that we often picture with reckless sex sprees, wild spending, compulsive gambling or outlandish public behavior. Maybe it's a hypomanic episode because he tends to just get extremely productive or does extremely ambitious projects, quite spontaneously. An example is when he abruptly started ripping up the wood flooring in the middle of breakfast and totally re-floored the whole house (beautifully, I might add) in three days - with zero assistance. I was impressed but shocked. He never mentioned wanting to change the flooring.

He's an extremely talented handcrafter/woodworker, and during this current extended episode, he made six extremely complex and absolutely stunning hand-made wood chopping boards. Using a variety of wood species, and sanded and oiled to perfection. They are truly impressive. He did this in just a couple of days, and declared he would sell them. (They totally would sell too.) He piled them up in a stack on the living room floor and there they have sat for weeks.

I think perhaps an anti-psychotic or mood stabilizing drug would help... .but I can't see him consenting to that. I hope his therapist suggests it. If I suggested it, he'd probably feel shamed or angry and see it as a personal attack. He used to listen respectfully when our old T would talk to him about his unhealthy behaviors. With me he responds with anger or hurt. So it's more likely to work if she talks to him.

It's hard to say if he does continue to see her, if she will truly see his range of symptoms. Our old T saw it because I was present and my presence triggers him. If I'm not there, he may be able to contain a lot of it. Maybe. I would consider writing her again, but I fear crossing the line where she thinks I am trying to micromanage him, steer his treatment, or worse - that I'm lying, or I'm the bad guy and he's a victim of his "crazy" partner who keeps badgering the therapist.

We have decent enough hospitals here in this country but the system sucks, they are strapped and short staffed, and the mentality of this culture is one of major avoidance and inaction.

A couple of years ago, a friend's girlfriend tried to commit suicide by taking a massive amount of pills and washing it down with a bottle of vodka. She took very strong tranquilizers, totally enough to fall into a deep sleep and respiratory arrest.  He found her unconscious in the bed with a respiratory rate of 5. He called an ambulance, and they took over an hour to arrive. He had to give her mouth to mouth and keep trying to shake her awake. He wasn't able to rouse her. They took her to a lock-down psych ward at the city's largest hospital and left her on a stretcher in a hallway with no IV, NO OXYGEN, and no assessment by any kind of doctor or nurse. (That anyone is aware of.) She didn't even have a pulse oximeter on her that would alarm if she stopped breathing, or her oxygen levels dropped. She actually woke up on her own about 5 hours later, dressed herself, and stumbled out of there and down four flights of stairs via the emergency fire exit, and hailed a cab and went home. Nobody even noticed, and she surprised her boyfriend by pounding on the door to be let in.

About 6 hours later, the cops showed up at their house to take her back to the psych ward. She got there, talked to a doctor and a nurse and explained that she didn't need to be there, and that it was all a mistake, that her boyfriend had exaggerated the situation. Yet she HAD arrived via ambulance the evening before, not really making any respiratory effort, and completely unarousable. They let her go home. Before leaving she asked them if anyone had examined her or treated her "alleged overdose" the night before, or if she had received any kind of medical care at all, besides being left in a hallway on a stretcher for hours on end. They said, "I don't think so. It was a busy night." She ended up totally mentally recovering, is fine to this day, and talks about the incident with embarrassment - and says that it's too much of a hassle to be sick in this country because help doesn't exist.

This is a wealthy first-world country... .but the mentality here is severely unhealthy. I really do want him to be able to get some help... .but it's extremely difficult here, because of the avoidance that is so deeply embedded in the local culture.

My last hope is that he exhausts himself. Maybe my calm refusal to get sucked in this time will have some effect.

Today he peeked in the bedroom to see if I was there before he left for work. Usually I leave before him, but today I slept in a bit. At the end of each month I typically transfer my half of the mortgage, household costs, etc to his bank account, as we split everything 50/50. Oddly, he only kept 40% of it, and transferred the rest back to me with a message saying "X amount is enough for this month."  (?) Fearing a manipulation he could use against me later, like saying I wasn't covering my share of expenses, was trying to take his money etc., I sent the amount back. He sent it back again with a note "Please stop, X amount is enough."

I sent it back again, saying "I pay my share of expenses each month."

He sent it back again. "Please stop!"

I sent it back one more time, with the message "We can do this all day. If you transfer it back again, I will withdraw the cash and leave it in the basement for you."

He accepted the payment. I am aware that maybe I should have just let it go, but I will not NOT pay my share of the bills only to be told later on that I was irresponsible, or not upholding my end of expenses. And What the heck was with the 40%? At any rate, he could have sent the money back one last time, and let me withdraw the cash and just left it alone and not spent it. I don't think it was about that. It was a weird test of some kind. Ah well. Not much I can do except stand my ground and hope he burns out.

[babyducks]

I am just now beginning to get that he may have BPD/Bipolar combined. He does have manic episodes, they aren't the kind that we often picture with reckless sex sprees, wild spending, compulsive gambling or outlandish public behavior.

Hi BasementDweller,

a couple of random thoughts.    manic episodes or hypomania can exist in many different forms.  my ex didn't wildly spend or gamble or have reckless sex.   she did once cry for almost 30 straight hours.   she also had rapid fire bullet like speech, as if she couldn't get the words out fast enough.   She was on medication and compliant with it.    She found she liked it.  the medication I mean.  However she still struggled with hypomania brought on by sleep disruptions, mostly.

I would suggest you google "bipolar kindling", not to be scary but so you can be educated.

and now back to you getting some addition support in your circumstances.    *still nudging*

it sounds like maybe you work for a major corporation?   Often they have Employee Assistance Departments or family life support departments buried in the recesses of Human Resources.   anything like that where you work?  worth a call?


and I will also toss out... .there are online support therapy websites.   Yeah you have to pay for them but I haven't found them to be very expensive.    I use one.   and have had very good results with it.    I will say it took me two therapists to find a good fit but that happens in real life.    I commuincate to my therapist daily through a chat room or skype and we've made great progress.    maybe worth a look?

while he is in this difficult phase, how about continuing to boost yourself up?  you are going to need the extra resources.

'ducks

[BasementDweller]

Hi, babyducks!

I have never even heard of bipolar kindling, but there seems to be something to that theory! I can at least envision that he probably is getting himself worked into a frenzy that he can't come out of - perhaps exacerbating his own stress somehow, or re-igniting it when he's starting to calm down.

I'm sorry that your ex went through all that and you had to experience it - It's really scary when they come unglued like this. :-(

Can you please send me a link to the online counseling services? This would likely work better for me, because of my work schedule. I would rather not go through the EAP here, because I really don't want anyone associated with my job to know about this. There is also a health service here where you can do online counseling. It costs about 25 dollars per session, so that's not too bad. I'm not sure how good they are, or if the language nuances will make it difficult. If you can recommend a site that you like that has English speaking counselors, I would look into that.

Thank you! 

[BasementDweller]

My partner has gone off to run an errand to the hardware store, and I decided to go have a look in the basement room where he has been sleeping - for weeks now. I just had a bad feeling. Or, well, several. Keeping in mind this is a man with meticulous hygiene and "house pride". We have always kept up a neat and tidy household with a well stocked fridge, clean sheets on the beds, clean floors, etc,. When we work well together, we're a great team. His BPD mom is, as he says, "a cleaning nazi" and he picked up a lot of that. He changes the bed sheets weekly like clockwork.

Last week he came to remind me to change the bed sheets on what has always been our shared bed. I did.

Today, I went into his "lair" and it was filthy. The bed sheet has not been changed in nearly a month and is visibly soiled. The bed is an unmade mess. The air smells dank in there and the floor is filthy. The shades are drawn, the room is dark and his dirty clothes are thrown all over the place. There are empty beer bottles that he is attempting to hide in a backpack. (?) He has gone and bought socks and underwear that are still in the shopping bag and he's just taking them out of there, and I guess wearing them and maybe putting them in the dirty laundry. I don't know. There's also other random things in the bag like some printer paper and a drill bit, but still unopened.

Since he has been dysregulating, I haven't had much of an appetite, but the few meals I have had, I have away from home - just to be somewhere else. We used to cook really wonderful meals together. It was our ritual, especially on the weekends. But this whole situation has made me less interested in the culinary arts which have always been a great passion of mine. He has not bought groceries for himself for about two to three weeks. What he has eaten has been a take-out pizza or two, or boiled pasta, or cold stuff out of cans. This guy, like me, is an excellent cook and really savors good ingredients. I don't recognize this sad shell of a man who is living in squalor in a basement, completely neglecting himself.

There has to be something else happening here besides BPD. This seems like bi-polar depression... .or something. I don't know. I have never seen him like this for this long. I cried a little when I saw that mess downstairs. I can't rescue though. That won't help at all. It breaks my heart.

Has anyone else's partner gone into a prolonged depression like this?

[babyducks]

Hi Basement Dweller,

well now I see where your screen name comes from.

my experience was that once this level of poor reality testing was reached, the flash over into serious problems was so quick, so unpredictable that it happened in minutes.

reality testing is the internal function that basically tells a person what's real and what's not.  my EX has poor reality testing skills.    she couldn't fact check her thoughts.   

from what you are describing,  I think you are right.   this is something other than BPD.   it's probably something that a professional would need to figure out.

No you can't rescue.    You can take steps to put yourself in the best possible position for a reasonable outcome.    do you have important papers, spare keys, extra money stored away from the house?   do you have a place where you can retreat too for a couple of days if you need a break?   my Ex and I kept a house in the country and I kept a condo in the city that was just mine.   I don't mind telling you that condo in the city probably saved my sanity.

Since he has been dysregulating, I haven't had much of an appetite,

Good self care BD.    work at eating, sleeping and taking small relaxing breaks each and every day.     work at it like it was your job.     put yourself first.   

'ducks

[BasementDweller]

Hi, babyducks!

Actually, the screen name, while more appropriate for him these days actually came from the fact that I used to go down there to read or get on the computer when he was raging at me. But now he has taken over the space. 

I'm trying to work on the self-care. I signed up for online counseling with a LMHC who specializes in BPD, PTSD, anxiety, etc... .I haven't had a session with her, but I've done the pre-treatment questionnaire.

I worked in my garden a bit today and bought some flowers to put in pots in the yard, and also cleaned up the back porch and patio furniture and made it look really nice out there. I took a long walk (it's 25 C/77 F here today - and has been for quite a number of days) and picked up a beautiful piece of fresh salmon at the market and made a marinade for it, as well as preparing some bacon wrapped asparagus and broccolini spears with a lemon garlic sauce. I'm going to charcoal grill it in the backyard a little later. One of my favorite things besides gardening is cooking - and MAN I love outdoor grilling. Typically, he and I used to do this stuff together, but he hasn't been engaging in anything lately, and I was so depressed, I couldn't muster up the desire either. But I started today to do the things I like again, with or without him. I miss his company at the grill and hanging out together in the yard during the weekend. However, if he's not in a good headspace, I have to just try to have fun anyway. He's home, but staying in the backyard or in his workshop. He's been sullen but mostly reasonable enough today, not saying much and still very dysregulated but not being horrible. When he saw I had cleaned up the house and yard, he picked up his basement room a bit, and changed the linens, finally. When he saw I had shopped, he went shopping too. Canned soup and milk - not his usual sophisticated fare, but that's ok. It's something.

I don't really have anywhere I can go except maybe stay with a friend for a night or two, but that's a hassle since I live in a suburb 30 minutes outside of a major city and I have to take a bus to town then ride the subway around. I'm geographically a little isolated. However, he's not harassing me at this point, and the two story house (plus his workshop) gives us a little space. He also has to go to his job's corporate office next week for the regular yearly training retreat, so he will be gone Mon-Fri at a workshop in the very northern part of the country. We'll have a break soon! :-)

His reality testing skills are also poor, I imagine. Certainly when he is very stressed.

[babyducks]

and picked up a beautiful piece of fresh salmon at the market and made a marinade for it, as well as preparing some bacon wrapped asparagus and broccolini spears with a lemon garlic sauce. I'm going to charcoal grill it in the backyard a little later.

OOooh can I come for lunch?   

what a great job on the self care.   give yourself another pat on the back.

it does sound like his reality testing isn't the best.   would you mind if I ask, how do you think that might impact you?    can you stay distant from his disordered thinking?

'ducks

[BasementDweller]

Hi, Ducks!

It was dinnertime here, and the grilling went well. I would have loved to have had some good company. He actually showed up, helped a little, nibbled a little, and also aggressively tried to re-engage to the point where it was overwhelming and a bit much. After a month in the basement, he was frightening in the attempts to initiate conversation - but it was both severely self deprecating and accusatory, mostly centered around how he thinks I see him as stupid and worthless. I did the validation, SET, no JADE, but he wanted to fight. He told me I was talking like a politician, and he wanted me to rail on him and tell him what a stupid piece of sh!t he was.

I told him I wasn't interested in saying any such thing, and I would like to have some space, as this was making me feel threatened.

He went to the basement again, and has been screaming at me from down there for an hour. I now have headphones on and am blasting death metal in my ears in the locked upstairs office.

I suppose I could be doing more to support. But I don't know what. I'm in over my head here. I can deal with a mood swing, but this is just... .I don't know.

It seems the mania has kicked in now. I was bracing for this. *batten down the hatches*.

[BasementDweller]

Ah, yes, you asked about staying distant. I’m trying my best, but I don’t know if I am using the best methods.

[SunandMoon]

Hi BD

Oooh, your barbecue sounds delicious. No wonder he wanted to be a part of it!

There you go: he's down the rabbit hole and doesn't know how to get back out. He's wanting you to yell at him and fight, so at least he gets to blame you too!

Good work on staying centred. I wonder what would have happened if, in response, you led with some gentle questions.

"... .he wanted me to rail on him and tell him what a stupid piece of sh!t he was."

"Why do you think you're a stupid piece of sh!t?"

Without sarcasm or anything, just open and curious questioning... .

I am so sorry you're going through this and, again, I'm in awe at how well you're handling it all - even down to planting flowers and having a bbq! Wonder Woman! No doubt it's taking is toll but you have a very healthy attitude and sense of humour (bring on the death metal!  )

Joking aside, I think Baby Ducks suggestion is worth taking seriously. Have you got a 'go bag - important papers, cash, keys, a few clothes - ready, just in case? Hopefully it never comes to that but it's a good feeling, knowing you're prepared.
 

[BasementDweller]

Hi, sunandmoon!

Yes, the BBQ was great, and I have some leftovers for today. 

I'll put together a go bag - just in case. Not sure where I'll "go" but I could stay at a hotel if it ever got really crazy.

Yesterday, I did manage to maintain a sense of humor about the whole thing which really rattled him. I did try validating and asking gently why he thought that I thought he was a stupid piece of sh!t. But he kept hammering away. He became so belligerent that it was comedic... .in a way. He was drunk, of course. Guzzling beer all day, and I think he had some harder liquor in his "man cave" because he was acting way beyond "beer drunk". He sometimes drinks rum and gets out of control.

Our dynamic really shifted yesterday. REALLY. I saw it happen before my eyes.

There have been some things that have been relatively constant in the heat of our disputes, in the past.

1.) He accuses me of being an alcoholic, though he drinks way more than I do and acts out because of it.

2.) He says mean things or ignores me, and if I try to engage, he shuns me.

3.) He pretends not to be jealous and as if he doesn't care if I leave him.

4.) He baits me with insults and if I act hurt of defensive, he ups the game.

Yesterday he was very drunk and kept annoying me because I was not engaging with him in any way, and have not for about two weeks. He kept trying to lure me outside to have a beer with him, chiding me that I'm an alcoholic, and I must need one. He also told me that when I'm sober he can't really annoy me, so he wanted me to start drinking. . I replied that I was going to hold off on the beer because I was doing some work online and I'd talk to him later. He kept escalating in his demands for attention which were getting increasingly more bizarre. He also kept telling me it's too quiet around here and he missed me yelling at him. (I rarely do that, unless he pushes me over the edge. But I don't let him any more.)

He started accusing me and my new therapist (who is also American, and we do online sessions) as plotting against him. Then he said that all Americans are out to destroy the world, and so he made up a song about greedy Americans trying to sue and destroy him and started singing it at top volume for over 30 minutes in the backyard. I think he was trying to lure me outside. I'm sure the neighbors were impressed.

I was actually laughing, because it was so bizarre and nowadays - his antics don't really get under my skin anymore. He was getting desperate and really loud and annoying.  Finally, I had no real excuse to NOT sit outside and have a beer, so I did eventually join him, and he began a barrage of rapid fire, strange questions, including "If you are so smart, why haven't you invented an engine that runs on water?"

I said, "You mean a steam engine? I might be a little late on that one."

Then he went on to start grilling me about my ex husband and accuse me of secretly meeting up with him and having an affair. He lives in the US, we live in Europe. Not really the easiest to arrange sneaky meetings. Overt jealousy isn't his norm, so this was new. It's usually latent and he tries to hide it.

His son has had a small painting hanging in his room for the last two years that my ex painted. It never bothered my partner before. Last night, he took it down and removed it from the room, claiming he had never been told my ex painted it. He absolutely knows this.

Eventually he got too drunk and became really unbearable. Hence me locking him out of the office and drowning him out with death metal. He was singing his "Horrible Americans" song at top volume from the basement. For at least an hour. When I finally took the headphones off, he had exhausted himself and fallen asleep. His voice seems quite hoarse today. 

It's morning here now. He's sober, and being sullen and avoidant again. Sitting on the couch playing his video game in the ubiquitous underwear. I wonder how much of last night he remembers?

He leaves tomorrow for the company retreat. Returns at the end of the week. I pray that being around his boss and work colleagues 24/7 will snap him back to baseline, since he CANNOT act that way at work. Maybe he'll return to that place in his head where he remembers that I'm the woman who loves him and not a spy, or an assassin, or any of the other things he has blurted out lately.

A gal can dream! (Fingers crossed!)

[babyducks]

Hi Basement Dweller,

Death Metal is a thing?    Well I will be danged.   Uncle Google tells me it's a form of heavy metal.  Huh.   who knew.   I need to get out more.


BD,  do you know where the name borderline comes from?   they picked it because the illness was on the border of neurosis and psychosis.  Delusions can be part of that.   So can hallucinations.   I would feel that I was being remiss if I didnt' advocate for you to be proactive in protecting yourself.    It's important to have a safety plan even if you never use it.    Just like it's important to have an exit plan in case of a fire, you want to think through these things when nothing is going on.    What happens if.    Where are my spare keys.   How do I commuincate with trusted friends and supporters.   Do I have a separate bank account?

My Ex never snapped back from manic phases,   she usually slowly slipped back,  kind of the opposite of kindling.    and because my presence reminded (and shamed) her of things that had happened, me being around was often not helpful to her.   that was my experience,  yours might be different.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

'ducks

[BasementDweller]

Hello, 'ducks!

Yes, we have totally separate bank accounts, at different banks. He has never tried to be financially abusive, or try to take money from me, so that's good.

I will devise a safety plan.

Yes, I do think that there is some sort of psychotic delusion going on right now. I'm not sure what all has happened to make him go this far down the rabbit hole for this long. I do suspect that something else is going on, perhaps a falling out with his sons. They may have called him out on certain behaviors lately, and perhaps established some distance from him. I don't know the details, but they haven't been home in weeks. I have never had a cross word with them, and they are always welcome here, but he's not seeing much of them outside the home, either. Maybe two visits in weeks. Something weird is happening that I can't see. I have no idea what.

Today, I asked him to help me get the weed trimmer and lawn mower out, and see if they need gas or upkeep before use. I told him I'd take care of the lawn, but just needed help with the machines. He was annoyed but cooperative at first. He tried to re-thread the "weed - whacker" but it's old and rusted up a bit. It wasn't really working so well, so he stood up and hurled it across the yard and smashed it to the ground. Really enraged. I have never seen him throw or smash anything. I think all my years of working in high stress occupations equipped me for this. I just stood calmly, and said "Ok, yeah. Maybe no weed trimming today. Perhaps it's time to get a new machine soon. Do you know any good brands?" (He's all about the power tools.) He just said. "Eh. Don't worry about the machine. I don't usually throw things. I'll put it in the truck to take to the dump."

Then he was really helpful with the lawn mower. After that he was cooperative about household stuff. Later, he went to his sister's house because his nephew is turning 18 today. They are having a birthday party. Normally, I'd be involved. I have organized a lot of parties for him and his family members, always welcoming them and preparing food and hospitality. He went without mentioning it to me. (I saw the birthday card he took with him, and know his nephew's birthday.) He deliberately excluded me, and at first, after he drove off, it hurt like hell. I cried a bit. But I'm not going to mention it. Or let him see that it hurt my feelings. It's not worth another argument. He needs his space, and TBH, so do I for a bit. And I don't now if I could see his whole family and pretend everything is fine, anyway. I don't even know what kind of crazy sh!t he's been telling them.

':)ucks, I think you're right. My presence triggers shame and regret about things. Why and how it got to this, I don't know. Its really sad. I really want this to work and for him to feel safe, but even my best use of the tools seems to be ineffective. Maybe some time apart will help.