Should I send this message? Need help before this decision

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Hi. Some of you may remember my disappearing BPDbf (we're both 41), who after 8 happy months kind of vanished, saying mostly nothing but finally that he was super broken, empty, didn't know who he was anymore, all that. He walked out of my life, not responding to texts or calls except the occasional "I'm still alive" or "I'm not disappearing" for five long weeks. Friday night he showed up at my apartment (I'm not sure whether that was the result of some pressuring texts I sent him during the day or that it had been five weeks since, you know... .hey, at least he didn't go get it somewhere else.)

Anyway, he got out of the car and said "one rule: we have to pretend there is nothing wrong with me." So that's how it was Friday night. We talked about surface crap, watched TV, "smoked cigarettes and stared at the moon" as Tom Petty sang. We didn't even mention the five week absence or anything either of us has endured. Saturday morning he left and said he was going to do some work for his grandma. I could tell he was not back to normal, and didn't expect things to go back to normal, so I have been calm since then. I only texted him once that I found a four-leaf clover, and again last night when I got to wait on a minor celebrity at the restaurant where I work. No responses. (He's on the autism spectrum, too, which I know wreaks havoc with his BPD.)

I've sent him a long email a couple of weeks ago (I warned him it had highly emotional positive content and told him he could read it in his own time). I have no idea whether he's read it yet. I made and mailed him a card to fit in his wallet with a lyric from his 5th favorite song and his favorite painting. No response. I've gone in and out of my own emotional lows, some of which I text bombed him, but those are getting very few now. I'm getting pretty strong.

I promised I would wait for him and not abandon him in this. This is where it gets sticky. I mean that; I really do. But I'm being an absolute sucker here and have had to spend so much time working on my own mental health that I'm ready to lay down some ultimatums. I hate those, though.

So I've composed this text. But before I pull the trigger I'd like to hear feedback from some of you.

"June 10. I will go on as we are till then. But all I could think about today is how if any part of you cared you would not continue to let me be lonely. I have searched my mind and all available resources for any reason why you exclude me from your life and healing. I will put up with rage. I will put up with a 2-week silence in the future but NO MORE. Believe me, I have spent much time meditating on how broken, hurt, and empty you feel, and have overflowed with compassion that you haven't even seen. I have gotten very strong and have no tears for myself anymore. But you're not making strides toward giving me what I need. I can deal with sad, negative, empty, irrational. I can love you for who you are. But if you leave me what can I do?

"I'm not rejecting you. But my parents left me. My brother left me." [Side note: my family disowned me for my first marriage in 2000, and haven't spoken to me since. That marriage ended 02/17.] "I walked away from the only person who ever loved me because I chose unwisely and couldn't continue with him." [Side note: that refers to my ex, of course, which is a story unnecessary for here.] "I f*****g know rejection. And it only goes one way here and it doesn't originate with me.

"However sick you may feel or may be, you are making a choice to exclude me, and I have spent today facing that fact. A choice. Something in you rejects me. I hate it, but I can't consider myself tied to you if you don't consider yourself tied to me. I have to let go if there's nothing here for me. You have everything I ever wanted—except love for me.

"You have three options. You will either 1) schedule an entire day with me to openly discuss all this AND come to an understanding of where we are headed, 2) tell your therapist I'm coming to therapy with you in the next two weeks, or 3) end things with me. And if 1 or 2 hasn't happened by June 10 I will understand your choice to be 3."


Any input or warnings or reprimands are totally welcome. Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SunandMoon]

Hi ShrimpandGrits

I'm sorry - I have to go out and don't have time to respond properly at the moment but just had to quickly say: please don't send that! I'm pretty sure you will spark a major dysregulation and will regret it.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Thanks SunandMoon. I haven't. Gotta figure out how to stop being left to languish on the vine, though. I'm not getting any younger. Love this guy like crazy but a month and a half of completely excluding me from his life, while not actually breaking up with me, is strange and excessive. Even for someone who's hurting. Hoping for more insight.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

He's already dysregulated and is simply excluding me from his life altogether.  :)on't get me wrong: I'm looking to be talked OUT of setting an end date. Because my full expectation is that if I send that, I won't hear from him again. But that raises the question: what am I holding on to?

If I don't send it, am I being a sucker? Am I just waiting around for someone who doesn't want me, or is his behavior truly, as he says, something that has "nothing to do with me"?

I can't relationship alone. Essentially I have no boyfriend. He doesn't give a damn what I'm doing right now or care about my accomplishments or sadness. He is concerned ONLY with himself but is functioning as closely as possible to normal where his dad and kids are concerned. This isn't fair to me. I do love him and want him better. But, illness or no illness, isn't all this time away from me an indicator that he doesn't want or need me?

[pearlsw]

Hi ShrimpandGrits,

I wish I could tell you I know exactly what to say or do, but I don't.

I can tell you I had been seeing my partner for about 8 months when he suddenly disappeared for about a month and a half. We were talking about it recently now that he is doing much better and I asked him if he could tell me what he was thinking back at that time. It is not so important for life now, but I was curious. Did he think of me at all? Care for my feelings at the time? What?

He has a lot of trouble remembering any such times. His mind has this capacity to erase all the bad. Early on I thought that might be a "nice" thing about him, but I realize later he is not retaining memories, in all likelihood because there is a lot of life that is too painful for him. He just does not remember.

I am grasping now to remember his exact answers... .and if they seemed contradictory or had any logic to them... .I think he did not think of me in this time and yet he also said it was a test to see if I really loved him or not. I am not sure how it could be both, but there ya have it. And no, my feelings did not matter at this time. So, I guess what I'm getting at is you HAVE TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND that he is not built like you or me. Logic is not a part of this... .and trying to impose logic... .it's like you are really from two different realities. Your reality will never trump his or be able to make sense of his. The key is to set logic down and deal with emotion in a new way I think - his and yours.

It is good to ask yourself what you do and don't want. I don't think explicit ultimatums work unless your goal is to drive him away - then this would likely work.

He may want you, he just may not be able to emotionally handle being with you or anyone very well. No one wants you to be a doormat, but it does require a great deal of understanding, and getting yourself to that place takes a lot of time and effort. If you study the tools here and change yourself, not to please him but to match to his inner state a bit better, you might have a chance. But I am no expert, just a struggling peer, and if others can take us in another direction I'm happy to hear it!

What do others think? Please reply and share your support and ideas with us!

with compassion, pearl.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Hi Pearl,

Thanks so, so much for this reply. You seem to always say the most helpful things. When your partner disappeared for a few weeks, how did you handle it? Did you try and contact him? Did he give you any sort of updates at all? This sounds so eerily similar, which is especially interesting given that I've not been able to find stories like this very much.

I guess I'm pretty well equipped to handle a lot, but sometimes I lose faith that he'll recover his feelings for me at all; that he won't feel romance again unless he finds someone new (which is a vicious cycle and I think he probably knows that). In the past he's always been the dumpee. I see now that's because he lacks the emotional skills necessary to break up with someone, but I worry constantly that his absence is his way of doing just that.

Then out of the blue he'll send some message, a really useless crappy one but a message nonetheless. His showing up last week was a shocker. I want him, but only if we can have some good times. I know they won't all be good times with ASC/BPD, not to mention my own ridiculous amount of flaws, , but there has to be SOMETHING.

I'll delete that draft. Thank y'all for saving me from doing what I really didn't want to do, but felt like a moron for not doing.

[pearlsw]

Hey ShrimpandGrits,

I was pretty hurt and confused when it happened. He'd wanted to marry me from right when we met, but I tried to slow it all down. This sudden silence thing happened after I lived with him for a summer the first year we met. It was not an easy or perfect time... .Geez, I even took him on a trip to Paris for the weekend, I paid for and arranged it all, and he was grouchy and difficult for a big part of it. Seriously, who gets grouchy about an all expense paid trip to Paris? Sheesh! hahahahaah.

But he suddenly stopped talking to me when I went back to my home country and I could not reach him to save my life. I had to drive cross country, fifteen hours or so, and I cried off and on the whole way. He would not reply to any texts, calls, emails, anything. And there was nothing I could do to get him to respond. Nothing. I tried to busy myself with other things. I had to get back to work and I think I may have moved that year within the city where I worked... .But it just hurt... .and right at the moment I had convinced myself I would never hear from him and to give up... .well, guess who called? And made hasty arrangements to see me again, etc., etc.

Because of extenuating circumstances from his previous relationship I could always chalk it up to something, give him excuses, but the break ups never stopped. They morphed, they had a lot of variety, but they never stopped. I think the last one was maybe two weeks ago. We've been "together" seven and half years or so.

I've given him until October, he too, for his own reasons, until that time to decide if this will go on or not. He swears he will not break up with me now or ever again, but I have a hard time believing him as you can imagine. It kills me. If he had never done this I think I could have handled everything else about his BPD traits (or whatever this is). Being with a person with an illness does not scare me, but this element, the break ups, pushed us to a breaking point... .and we may not be able to recover.

A big part me wishes we could. I believe he genuinely loves me... .but it is very, very hard for me to love him as I'd like to. I feel like a temp worker who has been waiting to be hired for years now. Geez! Am I gonna get this job or not already? And in fairness to him, I went outside the relationship after about 5 years or so of this on/off thing. I felt stuck and like my life was over and I just didn't feel any more loyalty after his threats and breaks. I felt trapped overseas with no way to get back. I knew better, and should have said something instead of hide in a part-time fantasy world, but I did not care anymore about my life (after years of mistreatment and being loved/hated) and was I losing a bit of touch with everything solid in my life... .I would have rather my life just end at a certain point... .it already felt like a complete wash. Over. Done. I wasn't suicidal per se just wishing an asteroid might find my head. I'm a silly gal!

But life has a way of going on and on and inviting us to look at our mistakes and keep trying... .and here I am!

He can't explain the breaks. He has no idea. We can put some of it on his past marriage. Some of it on the painful experiences we later had. But... .that is why I started researching and found this site... .I wanted to know if it was a "thing" to have someone break up with you so many times! I had never heard of that... .and I thought I was in this "hell" alone. But nope. It's a thing. And I learned the hard way that I could not handle everything in life, not the way I thought I would or should.

But... .thank goodness we have each other to support and hold each other up on the days we want to fall over or curl in a ball! 

All I know is I want my life to be better, together or apart. I wish the same for you!

So, how many breaks have you had so far? I'll give ya a hug for each one!   X ?

take care dear, pearl.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Wow, what a story! You have truly endured very much. I can only imagine how tough it's been at times. It's a very scary thing realizing that if we stay in these relationships we must face the possibility of never settling into a peaceful stability.

My bf and I have only been together since last July, and as with most BPD relationships started out with intimate connections on every level. We are perfect matches intellectually, physically, even spiritually, kind of. There was so much passion and intensity in the beginning. He revealed his BPD to me early on but assured me he was in therapy and had spent 6 months in a very good place. He's encountered some major stressors since then, however, and told me even back in December he felt his darkness returning. I was an escape from stressors at that time, though. But as the months have progressed I made a bad miscalculation: I started pressuring him to make me more of a partner... .to let me meet his kids and parents (yeah after 10 months I still haven't). I thought I was giving him full acceptance and letting him know how much I valued and wanted him, but he wasn't ready for that. I see that now.

He never addressed any of this. He just shut down. He's repeated a few times that this self-imposed isolation has "nothing to do with" me, but I KNOW that it's no coincidence the shutdown began EXACTLY the day I sent him a long message telling him that I wanted him to make me more a part of his life. I wasn't looking for a ring or verbal commitment, but I was still only getting leftover time and no effort and no friends or family after 8 months. Then poof.

I'm so glad you all advised me not to send that text. I am 90% certain he would've received it poorly and as a breakup, and stubbornly refuse to do anything to change. Still, I keep asking myself what I'm still holding onto. There's nothing here. I want him to come back, and since he hasn't broken up with me sometimes it's easy to think he will, but sometimes I have no faith. This is the only time he's done it (to answer your question) but with the exception of last Friday's overnight visit we are at 6 weeks of almost no contact from his end.

He's gone from a place where he had all these feelings for me and affirmed me constantly, and texted me constantly, to a place where he obviously doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship right now (or can't handle it). So he's checked out, but without severing it officially, and I have to believe that means he expects to return at some point. He's told me he doesn't want to be alone long-term. I feel like we're right for each other, but if he can't get relationship-ready that won't mean anything. I'm pretty low need as relationships go... .but 6 weeks of silence? After texting him first about EVERYTHING and making him my best friend since last summer? I don't understand how he doesn't miss me. Except to accept that his brain doesn't process emotion the same way.

[braveSun]

Hello Shrimp

It looks to me that you are in a tough spot. I read that perhaps he is not ready or capable to consistently relate to you the way that's making sense to you. The way that makes you feel safe and loved. Am I getting this right?  It's hard to predict what will happen. But is it harder to just sit and wait for him to change?

In the end, you only have control over your own. It's good to remember that. There are good tool on this site to help with communication. But if he disappears and you can't talk with him, this reduces your options with the relationship for sure.

Personally, I went through a tough time with my exwBPD. She was interested in me, but not choosing me, if I can say. I never experienced much closure from her. Only that at some point I was feeling low enough that I went to see a therapist.

That's where I started my own process to lay boundaries on my loved one, and decide what I could put up with and what I couldn't.  A bit like what you seem to want to do. It's a process. In the end, it served me as a measure to decide I had done enough. Time wise and behavior wise. 

I like the fact that you wrote that letter. It's about you. It's something which speaks of your experience. Use it to draw yourself a limit by which one you'll say, 'that's enough for me now. I know I can't go further than this.' Perhaps sending it to him is not as important as clarifying this for yourself. What do you think?

It's very important that you take care of yourself, now more than ever. If he turns up again and feels better, that'll give you more out of your life in the meantime.

What does self-care mean to you right now? Any thoughts?

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Thank you for your response, braveSun. It is a tough spot to be committed to a relationship with someone who just checks out of it, without truly severing it. It seems that he thought he was ready, but then when his darkness overtook him again, he has no emotional functionality at all, at least with regards to me. You recapped the situation accurately.

For me right now self care is learning that I can only control what I do, and choosing things to make me happy apart from him while I wait on him to get his mind sorted. Time with kids, pouring myself into work a bit, enjoying downtime each day, talking to friends sometimes. I have eaten my feelings since this started and have gained likely a pound or two a week, so my next step is to try to find the motivation to work on my health. Food has been my companion too often... .

I don't like that the pause button is pressed on our relationship, because I'm not sure what happens when we unpause it. Will it be broken? Will he finally find his light again and return to me, as he seems to want me to believe? No one knows.

I made the choice to refuse to abandon him in his hard times, but of course there must be some limit to that. Realistically, I can't just wait around for 10 years. But can I wait for 1? I have no idea. That seems extreme. I sought a relationship because I wanted a relationship, but what I currently have is the monogamous faithfulness of a relationship with only a phantom. A phantom who won't even communicate with me.

I'm digressing a bit, chasing a trail here, but I sometimes wonder if he doesn't like the way I can understand and validate him. One night before all this started, he was opening up to me, and he said something like "I think you're the only one who gets that. No one else understands me like that." But he seemed to take no joy in it. It should have felt affirming for me, but it felt eerily like I'd frightened him. His disappearing on me was the one thing he could do to completely mess me up... .there have been times I've just lambasted him through text for abandoning me, to provoke an angry reaction. One night it worked and he called, saying ":)o you want my anger? Is that what you want to hear?" And of course I said yes, because that was the goal. Anything but silence. Turns out he didn't even have angry words for me. We talked for about 45 minutes that night but besides the visit last week, that's all.

Provoking him doesn't bring him to a place of communication. Giving him space has not worked so far. Smothering him with caring words doesn't work. So I'm back to the serenity prayer, so to speak... .changing the things I can.

I'm sorry for what you went through with your ex, braveSun. I appreciate you sharing that experience and what you learned, so I can in turn learn from you.

[SunandMoon]

Hi S&G

I'm glad you didn't send that message. It's easy to understand how frustrated you must feel and why you would want to try to force change but I think you also understand that ultimatums aren't the way to do it.

You have told him in the past that you're not going to abandon him. He probably doesn't believe this, as that is what has happened with his other relationships. Is he testing you? is he re-enacting a usual pattern that has a predictable ending (for him)?

We can't know. But it's safe to assume there are elements of each in what he's doing. So, if you want change, it's probably best to do what you agreed to do when things were good. Be understanding, don't abandon him, be the safe place he can come back to... .

It's significant that he turned up at your place (and his rule that you pretend there is nothing wrong with him!) He must have missed you and wanted to see you, not just text or phone.

I know it sucks and it's not what anyone would want from a relationship but I think if you really want to be with him, you will need to show that you can be the steady one. The light at the end of his darkness.

In the meantime you'll have to fill your life with other things (apart from food!  ) as much as possible. Hopefully it won't always be this way and weeks will be reduced to days and, eventually, hours.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Thanks so much, SunandMoon. With the help of the support here, I am training myself to not dwell on his absence and inaccessibility, and fill my life with what I would were I single (except dating). And I faced the scale today for the first time since this all started... .up 10 pounds over these 6-7 weeks. So I also joined the gym and got in a workout, and am headed out with friends tonight.

It'll be a little tough because Sundays used to be the night he'd always come to see me, after he visited his little boy. Assuming he doesn't come tonight, it'll be the 7th consecutive Sunday without him. It's the first one that I'm not waiting home for him.

Today it's been 8 days since he talked to me (in other words, he hasn't sent a text since he left last Saturday morning). I have touched base a handful of times but in kindness and without any pressure. It's the longest I have gone without getting upset and begging for an update or trying to provoke a reaction.

I just don't get this... .I really don't. I DO want to be with him, and the times I feel like ending it (or, technically, accusing him of ending it) are only because I feel pathetic waiting around. It could easily look like he just doesn't want me. But most times I'm convinced there's more to it than that, and he will return. No one can say for sure, though.

You all have been more help than you know. I think some Tom Petty lyrics apply very well here... ."Working on a mystery; going wherever it leads," and "what lies ahead, I have no way of knowin'." One day at a time, now more than ever.