Ex moved on in 2 week - I need help detatching

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I haven't been on this board in a long time, but it was a great resource of advice as well as just relatable stories in a time of need for me. So I'm back for that same purpose and to help me work through my feelings.

I recently broke up with a woman I had been seeing for 1.5 years. Wouldn't call her disordered and I won't go into the long drama of the ups/down. I will say there were concerns about her that kept me from going all in - I was trying to get to know her and see if I was overblowing these based on my bad marriage to a uBPD or if they were legitimate red flags.

I left because she wouldn't respect my boundaries, had none of her own, and became physcially abusive.

I felt pretty good about leaving, somewhat sad. But what has completely crushed me is that in two weeks she has found the love of her life, they basically took the same romantic vacation that she and I did, only I waited 3 months to do so because I wanted to take it slow. Some of the photos are exactly the same. He checks off every single box for her as far as the things she complained I'm not so good for her I suppose. I won't be surprised if she's moved in within a month or two.

She called to break the news to me before I found out via mutual friends but it was too late. She wanted to know how I was taking it. I took it for concern and her wanting to alleviate guilt but now I question was she just doing it to be cruel or manipulate me to wanting her back.

Anyway, I told her we shoudn't communicate anymore, I will tell our mutual friends do NOT keep me up to date on her life () and I'm doing all the good things I know will help me move forward. But, I am shocked at how incredibly sad I am. I don't know if I'm jealous that she seems so happy. There was plenty of good in our relationship but I guess now that all those positives were a big lie, I was duped, she is a mercenary. I'm hurting really bad and I need to let it out - but I don't want to overwhelm my friends - I have tried to spread around talking about it.

I'm interested in just good advice - stories of similar happening to you folks - perspective - things that will build my emotional fortitude.  I'm really hoping I can build up some scar tissue fast before I see them around town - he is a friend of a friend in a local community that is very important to my well-being and social recovery from my marriage.

Thanks

[adventurer]

I haven't been on this board in a long time, but it was a great resource of advice as well as just relatable stories in a time of need for me. So I'm back for that same purpose and to help me work through my feelings.

I recently broke up with a woman I had been seeing for 1.5 years. Wouldn't call her disordered and I won't go into the long drama of the ups/down. I will say there were concerns about her that kept me from going all in - I was trying to get to know her and see if I was overblowing these based on my bad marriage to a uBPD or if they were legitimate red flags.

I left because she wouldn't respect my boundaries, had none of her own, and became physcially abusive.

I felt pretty good about leaving, somewhat sad. But what has completely crushed me is that in two weeks she has found the love of her life, they basically took the same romantic vacation that she and I did, only I waited 3 months to do so because I wanted to take it slow. Some of the photos are exactly the same. He checks off every single box for her as far as the things she complained I'm not so good for her I suppose. I won't be surprised if she's moved in within a month or two.

She called to break the news to me before I found out via mutual friends but it was too late. She wanted to know how I was taking it. I took it for concern and her wanting to alleviate guilt but now I question was she just doing it to be cruel or manipulate me to wanting her back.

Anyway, I told her we shoudn't communicate anymore, I will tell our mutual friends do NOT keep me up to date on her life () and I'm doing all the good things I know will help me move forward. But, I am shocked at how incredibly sad I am. I don't know if I'm jealous that she seems so happy. There was plenty of good in our relationship but I guess now that all those positives were a big lie, I was duped, she is a mercenary. I'm hurting really bad and I need to let it out - but I don't want to overwhelm my friends - I have tried to spread around talking about it.

I'm interested in just good advice - stories of similar happening to you folks - perspective - things that will build my emotional fortitude.  I'm really hoping I can build up some scar tissue fast before I see them around town - he is a friend of a friend in a local community that is very important to my well-being and social recovery from my marriage.

Thanks

[spero]

Hi there adventurer!

I'd like to send you greetings from the community,  .
How are you doing? I'm really sorry for the loss you're going through at this point in time.
We're here to listen and be a sounding board if you need.

I'm interested in just good advice - stories of similar happening to you folks - perspective - things that will build my emotional fortitude.  I'm really hoping I can build up some scar tissue fast before I see them around town - he is a friend of a friend in a local community that is very important to my well-being and social recovery from my marriage.

So regarding, this question or desire of yours, how would you like us to help you out with this? A side note, how long ago was the said incident before you posted this thread?

Yours,
Spero

[adventurer]

what would help is a safe place to talk about my feelings, to hear stories from other people of what they may have done in similar cirumstances that helped them. Advice for me to get through this.

I broke up with her one month ago. I found out about her new whirlwind romance on tuesday and spoke breifly on the phone with her wednesday morning.

Once again i wonder am I disordered one and is this narcissitic injury but my therapist of two years says what I'm experiencing is normal.

[spero]

Hi Adventurer,

what would help is a safe place to talk about my feelings, to hear stories from other people of what they may have done in similar cirumstances that helped them. Advice for me to get through this.

I broke up with her one month ago. I found out about her new whirlwind romance on tuesday and spoke breifly on the phone with her wednesday morning.

Once again i wonder am I disordered one and is this narcissitic injury but my therapist of two years says what I'm experiencing is normal.

I believe that this would be for you a safe place to share and interact with members of this community.
I suppose that you're technically a returning member and would know how the sub-forums are categories and separated.

I'm sorry you're in this tough spot right now, i wish that you're time here would benefit your recovery process in some way.
Since, you briefly mentioned previously about your experience, perhaps you'd like to share in a little more detail about the events leading to your breakup. I am also curious as to why you would think you're disordered. Was this a comment you're personally making or an assessment by your therapist?

Spero.

[gilac]

Hi adventurer,

sad to hear about that, I'm going trough the same situation as we speak. 1,5 year relationship, saw her on photos intimate with other man, and I'm now seeing her frequenlty with her new bf... .all that happening only one month after the break up, however, mine has BPD traits all over

How do I try to cope right now? She had the very same pattern while jumping from her previous relationship into the one with me. And I try not to take it personally since that is her coping mechanism.

The only difference is that I was going slow with things, we started dating one month after meeting each other. This guy got it all way sooner, probably the same day. The fact that she had no problem with it does hurt.

However, the feelings keep on hurting me, my brain is still used to seeing her (and seeing her so often after the break up doesn't help because she wears things that we were buying together). Knowing that I do not think about any other and that she is already intimate with someone else hurts a lot.

[adventurer]

I've been doing a lot of reflecting and I think what really got to me was seeing the picture.

She texted me the day before and mentioned her big adventurous trip and I knew in my gut there was a new guy right away. She wanted to call and break the news before I heard throught the grapevine but I didn't have time to talk so she waited a day. (maybe this desire of hers was a kindness, maybe it came out of her guilt, maybe it came out of trying to make me jealous and get me back, maybe it was her cruelly wanting to hear the hurt in my voice - I'll never know)

But that night a friend asked if I wanted to see the facebook picture and I agreed just out of curiousity who the guy was.

Her look/face/smile/eyes was the same as the girl who I fell for in the beginning. So it hurt to see that woman moving on so fast, but somehow I didn't associate that with the woman who she really is - who was not a good girlfriend and I chose to leave as I saw things turning increasingly toxic.

I was able to take the relationship slower - I was able to keep my hobbies and friend activities and not spend every second with her - so I'm improving. But I was not able to leave the relationship soon enough when I knew in my gut it was wrong because I was holding out for more dopamine hits from the adoration/sex from the beginning.

How do I build myself up to avoid falling into this bad behavior again? How do I give myself self-esteem?

My friends saw her first date with this guy, they were both completely drunk of their asses. They basically spent every waking minute for their first 2 weeks together. This is the kind of person my ex wants to be involved with. My boundaries about my time and friends always drove her to madness.

I should have known better - but I liked the body rubs, adoration, sex and was craving and hoping for more. Especially after being out of a years long marriage where none of that was happening.

[adventurer]

Since, you briefly mentioned previously about your experience, perhaps you'd like to share in a little more detail about the events leading to your breakup. I am also curious as to why you would think you're disordered. Was this a comment you're personally making or an assessment by your therapist?

Spero.

I've had two therapists tell me I'm basically normal, but I know my main issue is codependency. But it can manifest in some negative behaviors that share charactistics with personality disorders. My caretaking and resentment and denial of my own feelings can build up until I explode in anger. Some manipulation hoping to get love. I've improved a lot but still obviously have loads of work to do.

Regarding the breakup, for much of the relationship she would constantly complain that she didn't have a house, pets, stable life. The implication was that I wouldn't move in with her, provide that for her - I wanted to take things slow. She always said she respected my feelings about that - but then would always make side remarks about my 'boundaries' and taking time away from her to do hobbies and friend activities.

I realized at any time I would try to share my feelings, she would shut me down saying either I was trying to make it all about me, or she didn't like my tone of voice and was being disrespctful and inappropriate to her and was not allowed to talk to her that way. I felt very angry at not having a voice.

The final straw was an argument about some old female friend of mine we ran into and her jealously about it. It turned into me venting every single thing bad with the relationship that I'd been stuffing. I drove her home and told her to leave my car and go inside. She refused. I walked to her side of the car and physically grabbed her and pulled her out of the car. I got in my side to drive away and she jumped back in and started attacking me physically, hitting me and tearing at my clothes. I managed to push her out of the car and drive away. In hindsight I should have gotten out of the car myself and ran away.

Next day I went to her, told her we both crossed a line that was unacceptable, the relationship was toxic to the both of us and it needed to end. She begged me to stay and said it was not that big a deal. I disagreed.

I'm owning my part in the bad behavior of that night, but there was one other incident months ago where I was attacked by her. We were on vacation, I was exhausted and wanted to get to hotel, she was drunk and didn't. Walking back she kept going up to strangers, initiating conversations and delaying. I told her she could do what she wanted but I really wanted to go back so she could catch up with me.  She showed up at the hotel about 15 minutes after I did screaming and punching/pushing me in the chest. I told her to stop. She didn't. I looked her in the eye and told her if she hit me again our relationship was over. She hit me again. I locked myself in the bathroom. I obviously did not leave her as I threatened and should have.

I made excuses at the time then because she was drunk and I maybe should not have abandoned her in the street in a strange town. But after I crossed that line and became physical myself I knew it had to end.

I feel sick when I think about my behavior. I told my therapist I don't want to be an abuser and she said that the first step for that is for me to stay away from abusive people.

On the bright side, me of 10 years ago would have moved in with her in a couple months and stayed with her for years though this type of behavior/problems, so that's something.

Now I know I need to EJECT when things devolve to disrespect, me not having a voice, certainly after the very first sign of abuse. I need to STOP craving the affection and hoping for a return of the 'best behavior' version of the person from first dating. I have a very full life, career I love, great friends/support, social hobbies and am very physcially active. Everything else I feel I'm doing right.

[gilac]

Her look/face/smile/eyes was the same as the girl who I fell for in the beginning. So it hurt to see that woman moving on so fast, but somehow I didn't associate that with the woman who she really is - who was not a good girlfriend and I chose to leave as I saw things turning increasingly toxic.

again, very similar situation like mine, I saw a couple of photos from an event, but mine had a different smile, a smile I never saw during our relationship, even during the honeymoon phase. She was even posing for him to kiss her hand and so on... .We have great pics, however, it took her one month into the relationship to let me took a photo with her. And now she was with this outgoing guy we both knew about, taking photos with him and other guys and enjoying herself.

But, like I said, this is their coping mechanism, it's about them, not us. They are fighting their own war in their heads, they did that during the honeymoon phase also but we weren't aware at the time. This is their "living my past behind" cycle that will probably repeat again (and again).

I've already saw mine having problems with herself trying to make me jealous with her new bf which proved to me that she is still fighting the same old war inside her head, no matter that she seems happy, she seemed happy with me also, but was she? No, she was crying every day because of "something" and talked about her mood swings. This will be repeated. We just need to face that and carry on with our lives without any weight.

And yes, I agree with you, remembering the intimacy is the toughest thing during this period, I had it just today. I cannot think of any other intimacy for two months other than with her (and she is having that right now with people who are still strangers for her when compared with me). That is the only moment I want to get along with her again. We must avoid remembering those things for our own sanity.

[adventurer]

We must avoid remembering those things for our own sanity.

When my thoughts turn that direction I try to think of happy times with friends or focus on dreams of the future I hope for myself.

A lot of my discussion on this thread is 'her her her' but honestly in my brain I'm working to keep the focus on me - healing - and find a way to capture the self-esteem which will make me less vulnerable in the future. Although, to be fair, I willingly ignored the warning signs that I knew to be red flags at the time. I can be as invulnerable as I want but it means nothing if I'm a willing participant.