I Need to Vent: Should not have married

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Advice to my younger self:
DO NOT MARRY A CRAZY MAN.
Oops, too late. Already did. Well then NEVER DIVORCE A CRAZY MAN.
Oops, again too late. He's divorcing me.
A week ago to the day, my STBX (or more likely his assistant) told my bank to close the joint account, and let's just throw a number out here. The joint account, which I thought was supposed to stay open until the divorce was final, is not the account I use to pay bills. It had a nominal amount of money in it, let's $42.31. Okay?
So does my STBX or his assistant close the account completely? No. Of course not. Because that would make sense.
Instead, they took $40.31 out of the account, which then prompted the bank to write to me to ask how I wanted to disburse the $2.
So I'm on the phone with my bank for 15 minutes trying to straighten this out. So I'm working for $8 per hour. Great. Just great.
Then my Cable contacts me via email. The cable company wants me to fill out a survey on well their account rep Jacquie handled my request a week ago to the day.
Seems my STBX's assistant called the cable to verify that I'm the one being billed.
So I now have a security lock on the account. That took me nearly 30 minutes.
And... .(told you I needed to vent)
I heard from the woman who was supposed to clean here that my STBX's father will not pay anyone to work here if they don't have Workers Comp and that I'm forbidden from hiring anyone without Workers Comp
I told the woman who cleans that I need to be notified via proper channels. However... .
The guy who was supposed to open the pool also informed me that he can't open the pool because he doesn't have workers comp and that the pool is going to be expensive this year because the heater's out... .
so... .I contact a pool company that has all the bells and whistles and verify they will bill cpa directly.
however, i have no way to give the cpa a heads-up because i'm forbidden from contacting them.
Okay, the rest of my venting will need to be done off this forum because I feel a slew of four-letter words needing to be screamed.
I am frustrated.
And contacting my lawyer just cost me $85. She bills for every quarter hour.
My younger self: DO NOT MARRY, DO NOT DIVORCE A CRAZY MAN, ESPECIALLY A CRAZY MAN WITH MONEY AND A CRAZY FAMILY.

[toomanydogs]

Advice to my younger self:
DO NOT MARRY A CRAZY MAN.
Oops, too late. Already did. Well then NEVER DIVORCE A CRAZY MAN.
Oops, again too late. He's divorcing me.
A week ago to the day, my STBX (or more likely his assistant) told my bank to close the joint account, and let's just throw a number out here. The joint account, which I thought was supposed to stay open until the divorce was final, is not the account I use to pay bills. It had a nominal amount of money in it, let's $42.31. Okay?
So does my STBX or his assistant close the account completely? No. Of course not. Because that would make sense.
Instead, they took $40.31 out of the account, which then prompted the bank to write to me to ask how I wanted to disburse the $2.
So I'm on the phone with my bank for 15 minutes trying to straighten this out. So I'm working for $8 per hour. Great. Just great.
Then my Cable contacts me via email. The cable company wants me to fill out a survey on well their account rep Jacquie handled my request a week ago to the day.
Seems my STBX's assistant called the cable to verify that I'm the one being billed.
So I now have a security lock on the account. That took me nearly 30 minutes.
And... .(told you I needed to vent)
I heard from the woman who was supposed to clean here that my STBX's father will not pay anyone to work here if they don't have Workers Comp and that I'm forbidden from hiring anyone without Workers Comp
I told the woman who cleans that I need to be notified via proper channels. However... .
The guy who was supposed to open the pool also informed me that he can't open the pool because he doesn't have workers comp and that the pool is going to be expensive this year because the heater's out... .
so... .I contact a pool company that has all the bells and whistles and verify they will bill cpa directly.
however, i have no way to give the cpa a heads-up because i'm forbidden from contacting them.
Okay, the rest of my venting will need to be done off this forum because I feel a slew of four-letter words needing to be screamed.
I am frustrated.
And contacting my lawyer just cost me $85. She bills for every quarter hour.
My younger self: DO NOT MARRY, DO NOT DIVORCE A CRAZY MAN, ESPECIALLY A CRAZY MAN WITH MONEY AND A CRAZY FAMILY.

[BeagleGirl]

Oooh.  Can I vent too?

Got a call from my insurance rep... .okay, dBPDxh's insurance rep since the policy is still in his name even though I tried to get it changed to mine but couldn't do that without dBPDxh doing some sign off.  I have just continued paying the bill (as I have done for the entire life of the policy because dBPDxh was unemployed and every penny we had was my earnings and he was never responsible enough to even pay the bill out of our "joint" account).  Well dBPDxh is closing on a house tomorrow (paid cash with the settlement he got in the divorce) and now wants his own policy so insurance agent called me to see how I want to split the policy.  This is how I learn that dBPDxh never removed himself OR THE VAN THAT HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN DRIVING SINCE JANUARY from "my" policy.  I know... .I should have been checking and nagging, but I honestly didn't have the time or energy to do that.

And as far as crazy families go... .dBPDxh's sister is having her first child, my first niece, in September.  Despite a rocky relationship with my SIL, I've crocheted a christening gown set.  I mentioned to dBPDxh that I was doing this and would be asking him for her address so I could ship it when I finished the blanket I am making to go with it.  So imagine my surprise when I get, without any preamble or explanation, what appears to be a text SIL wrote to dBPDxh... .

"Tell [SIL's nickname for me that I have told her I don't like] to make the gown an 18 mo size, since we're waiting for the cathedral to finish to hold her baptism."

1)  Why does she think that she gets to "order" a hand made gift in a given size to fit her schedule? 
2)  Why is she asking dBPDxh to tell me rather than texting me directly?
3)  Why is dBPDxh just forwarding rather than passing on (and potentially softening) his sister's message in his own words?

Yep.  Definitely adding "caring and considerate family" to the list of things any potential suitors must bring to the table to be under any serious consideration.

I am sorry to hear about the continued drama your stbxh and his associates are causing.  I TOTALLY get the pain of knowing you are "working for $8/hr". 

[toomanydogs]

Oooh.  Can I vent too?

Got a call from my insurance rep... .okay, dBPDxh's insurance rep since the policy is still in his name even though I tried to get it changed to mine but couldn't do that without dBPDxh doing some sign off.  I have just continued paying the bill (as I have done for the entire life of the policy because dBPDxh was unemployed and every penny we had was my earnings and he was never responsible enough to even pay the bill out of our "joint" account).  Well dBPDxh is closing on a house tomorrow (paid cash with the settlement he got in the divorce) and now wants his own policy so insurance agent called me to see how I want to split the policy.  This is how I learn that dBPDxh never removed himself OR THE VAN THAT HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN DRIVING SINCE JANUARY from "my" policy.  I know... .I should have been checking and nagging, but I honestly didn't have the time or energy to do that.

This is horrible. And maybe you "should" have been checking and nagging, but first & foremost, he should have removed himself from the policy.
I am so friggin' tired of pwBPD

"Tell [SIL's nickname for me that I have told her I don't like] to make the gown an 18 mo size, since we're waiting for the cathedral to finish to hold her baptism."

1)  Why does she think that she gets to "order" a hand made gift in a given size to fit her schedule? 
2)  Why is she asking dBPDxh to tell me rather than texting me directly?
3)  Why is dBPDxh just forwarding rather than passing on (and potentially softening) his sister's message in his own words?

Yep.  Definitely adding "caring and considerate family" to the list of things any potential suitors must bring to the table to be under any serious consideration.

I am sorry to hear about the continued drama your stbxh and his associates are causing.  I TOTALLY get the pain of knowing you are "working for $8/hr". 

Wow. With my STBX, the family's been pretty absent except when it comes to the money.
But wow. Just wow. I can't believe I used to kind of excuse STBX's behavior with, "well, he's socially awkward, he doesn't know what he's saying."
I'm so fed up.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and, as I told a friend today, the only thing harder than being married to my STBX is trying to divorce him. 
I'm grumpy. 
TMD

[formflier]

     

Please do something special for yourself!

FF

[toomanydogs]

     

Please do something special for yourself!

FF

Hi FF,
 You always know exactly what to say. Thank you!
   
TMD

[formflier]

So... .my wife was in a hurry to get kids to vacation Bible school.  She couldn't find a shirt... so she goes to the dryer (i do the laundry) and tosses all the half dry laundry into the floor... sorts through it... doesn't find them.

And... then leaves.

Yep... .we have the big size washer and dryer... it was a full load.

I put it back in to finish it... and can't imagine a decent way to approach this when she gets back.

Sigh...

Don't marry a crazy woman (man)... .(person)... .sigh.

FF

[GaGrl]

Ooh! Ooh! A vent?

DH and I have been married 12 years. DH is a retired Army officer. We have USAA insurance. So does DH's ex, The Dark Princess. TDP kept DH's  name after the divorce, because her Thai surname is difficult (I get that). I retain my maiden name, because, well... it's my name. Everyone in the family has a USAA account tied to DH's eligibility - ex, adult children, etc.

So, 8 out of 10 times I call USAA, I am told - I'm sorry, Ms. Gagrl. We can't give you that info, because you are not Maj. DH's current wife. "

Bagel patiently explains.  Teeth gritted. For the umpteenth time. "I am the current wife. TDP has the same surname, but she is the ex. Please check your records more closely."

It's been 12 years. Does it never end?

Social Security and Medicare are in the horizon. Jeez... .



T

[BeagleGirl]

I put it back in to finish it... and can't imagine a decent way to approach this when she gets back.

Yeah.  That's a lot of the frustration.  There is no real win in addressing a lot of the "crazy".  It will only exhaust you further.

So... .I'm going to take a page out of dBPDxh's passive aggressive handbook.  I figured out about a month ago that the Amazon Prime account linked to our home TV is linked to dBPDxh's credit card.  That inspired some guilt, as I had ordered a few $2.99 rentals for the kids and I to watch.  I haven't gotten around to switching it over to my account/credit card and we're planning to watch all the previous Jurassic Park movies in preparation for Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom this weekend.  Maybe I won't bother to change the account setting just yet.  That will really show dBPDxh.       

BG

[ForeverDad]

Vent Day?  I thought 6/19 was Juneteenth (for 1865 end of slavery).

Just heard from my son that his mother may be trying to get him a job at a local supermarket that he could walk to from her apartment.  No one asked me.  After all, I am Legal Guardian.  As a minor I think I'd be required to sign or cosign HR paperwork.  I bet ex thinks she gets to sign as Mother.

[formflier]

I didn't bring up the dryer incident when she got home.  I "voluntold" the kids as they came on from VBS to help fold and distribute the dried... .but unfolded laundry.
 
Perhaps I noticed some eye rolling and huffing as she walked around.  Perhaps I smiled to myself.   

BG... .come on... .don't rent them.  Buy them in SD so you can keep them forever.  That should help you with your guilt... .since now you are getting your ex a better deal!      I mean... I'm sure the point of your story is that you were "wasting" his money... right?

FF

[Panda39]

 Ooo Ooo  Me Too!

I've got one too.  There is very little contact with my SO's uBPDxw these days D21 is no contact, but D17 still talks to her mom on the phone/texts and very rarely will meet her for lunch or coffee. So there isn't much interaction so not much drama, however... .

Mother's Day... .D21 no contact, but D17 invites her mother to lunch.

So you've got one daughter that wants nothing to do with you and you have another daughter who because of compassion (or guilt   or just because she wanted to, has invited you to lunch. Could there be some gratitude? A nice visit?  Catch up on each others lives? Nope of course not.

Mom showed up spent the entire time looking at her phone (cause you know it's all about her and what she has going on   they had lunch D17 paid for it with her dad's credit card.  They are getting ready to leave and she asks D17 to pay for her Uber ride     (D17 said no... .you go girl!)

Happy Mother's Day    

(That's the most barfy   emojis I've used in a long time 

Panda39

[empath]

Ooo... .

When my h left back in March, he pulled most of the funds out of our joint account. Then, he decided to leave it open so that he could transfer $$ to me easily and said that he wouldn't use that account and that I could use whatever he put in it. He still has automatic payments that come out of that account and has used it as an emergency fund (to pay for a new tire for his car and... .  to buy my birthday present from my daughter and to get them both starbucks... .  ).

[toughday]

My exgf of 6 months has asked for NC three times in the last two months. every time she gets back In touch sometimes as quickly as a few days to say she has changed her mind and wants to see how things are. The last NC chat was one week ago. She screamed at me all the reasons I forced her to leave me?. 3 days after the NC chat She rings me on Monday just to ask who the girl was I went for a coffee with in town on Sunday. I explain it’s my flatmate and she has a partner. Turns out I’m not allowed to go for a coffee in town with a girl she doesn’t know and I clearly did it on purpose to get at her. I’m am incredibly selfish and only think of myself. She then slammed the phone down and texted me saying please don’t contact me anymore. I haven’t ever made contact after we agreed NC ever.

[Gemsforeyes]

I FEEL like a broken vent, one with big holes with no way to stave off the flow of  this force of air.  Guess it's complex PTSD... .I have tried in vain to find a therapist, but no luck.  I am saying nothing, just landing in the ER.

With what recent exuBPDbf has done, I'm having flashbacks of ex-husband, 19 years with an NPD is my best guess.  His Valentine's gift to me (two nights before he hurled me against the wall) was "if you don't get out of here soon, I'm going to start bringing women into the house".  I stood in amazement.  After I fled and moved cross-country, HE forged my signature on the IRS tax return check.  How?  He "knows people at the bank".  Did I get my half?  No, he deducted what he considered "his" expenses.  Then he tells me when he retires or dies, he's going to designate that his social security will go to someone else.  I said "good luck with that".  During our 19 years, I constantly worked full-time, but saved nearly nothing; he played most of the time, and built up huge savings.  I hate myself, not him.

BPDbf was a replay from the money standpoint... .except there was the added charm of the rage. And thank GOD I never bought a place with him and didn't agree to his marriage proposals.  I hate myself, not him.