Reconnecting after 20+ years of NC -update

[Please help]

Hello All,

  I want to share my experiences with you in regards to going NC. I went NC with my whole family for 20+ years due to their insanity. I talked to my father a few times over the past few years and finally confronted him about my childhood and everything he did a few weeks ago. His version is he saved me from my own destruction. He left and we will probably never speak again. I heard my mother broke her hip at 62 yrs old so I went to see her. She looked awful, shrunk up could not move ,etc. I introduced myself as she had not seem me in 30 + years. I lived with my father. We talked for about 5-10 minutes. She told me how she likes her current boyfriend and life better than what she had with me and my father. I dont blame her. My father is / was a violent criminal with drug / alcohol problems and mental health issues. The guy she is with now is just a drunk. It's really a step up for her.

 After about 10 minutes, she told me she needs a car. She is inheriting a house that is being sold so she is looking at 90-100k in a month or so. I told her to get her boyfriends mother ( who helps them out) to but car for her. She gave me a dirty look and said " my kids with help me". I wished her well and left.

I would be lying if I said it did not hurt. Admittedly, I thought one of them would have had a bit more introspection and could see the damage they did to me. Instead, I see them thorough the eyes of an adult and can understand they are simply sick people.

 On another note, I have had some success with inner child healing. The one thing I cannot get past is how I yearned to become part of the fantasy world I created for myself as a child. Please read my previous posts for more context. It was nothing elaborate. The main theme is I somehow become orphaned and a family that was friends with mine sort of look after me during my teen years and I hook up with one of their daughters. This fantasy world was to help me feel accepted as part of a small community.

  Please bear in mind, I was looked down on as trash by everyone. My father would complain to his new wife's family how much I sucked and take her side because she could not stand me. My mother said I was such an awful person she had to kick me out at 9 or 10 yrs old. Conveniently, this afforded her the freedom to go on to have 3 or 4 other kids with 3 or 4 different men.

  In closing, that is my field report from reconnecting after all these years. Lastly, any advice on how to somehow accept reality for what it is would be appreciated. If I can somehow get my mind around the fact my childhood was awful and there was very little pleasant about it, I would be better off. Maybe its too painful to accept the reality? Maybe I am just trying to rationalize a bunch of unnecessary  suffering through my fantasy world? I suppose it's easier to say "this plane crash happened and your parents who loved you are no longer in your life but another family you guys were close with are looking after you now".

Any thoughts or coping mechanisms would be appreciated.

Thanks again for each and every one of you. Its a nice community here 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Please help, 

Nice to hear from you! I know it's been a little while and sounds as if you've been doing a lot of processing. Was it just recently that you saw your M? I believe you said it was a few weeks ago that you saw your Dad. What a time of emotions that must have been for you as you sought answers for your past. 

It took a lot of courage to go back and break NC with them. In the past year I went back to visit friends from the school I attended when I was a teenager. I asked them if they had no clue that something was going on in my family and they said they had no idea. I had wondered why no one ever did anything to try and protect us, and now I realize that I was able to cover things so well that nobody knew. But I had the answers I sought.

Do you know what it was you were hoping to hear or discover? Do you feel you found out what you needed to?

 
Wools

[zachira]

You have reconnected with your abusive family after many years and been hurt again by their refusal to recognize the harm and hurt they inflicted on you and their inability to sincerely apologize. It is normal both to want to see what has become of your family since you left them and to seek to heal your wounds with those who hurt you so badly. Abused children develop a fantasy bound with their parents so that they can survive childhood. Adults who were abused as children will never stop wishing that they could receive the love they deserved and do not have to deal with all the painful memories.
The past few months I have been dealing with my fantasy bond with my abusive family. I had a sincere hope that they would love me as I deserved if only I became a better person. I am finding that it helps to spend quality quiet time by myself every day, interact with people who treat me with love and respect, take long walks in nature, go to therapy, and do what I love the most with the people I really care about. I am finding that time is on my side, and with each passing day I am stronger and more able to accept the painful past, though I don't think anybody completely heals from an abusive childhood.
You are right on track when you discuss the fantasy bonds you had in childhood and still have to some extent with the family you wish even now could love you as you deserve. You will continue to find ways to give yourself the love you deserve, and as time goes on you will be living life in the moment doing the things you love and be surrounded by people who you care about. The key right now is to stay present in your grief when it overwhelms you so that you can grieve and then go back to feeling peace and joy. If we do not grieve than the painful feelings overwhelm us at times, and we cannot feel our joy. Please keep us posted on how you are doing as we care. There are many who post on this board who have gone NC with family members and then reconnected at times for different reasons. We are here to support you in your healing and journey.

[Please help]

Woolspinner,

 Yes, I saw M about 1 month ago for a 10 minute meeting. I wanted to see her from the eyes of my adult self. She  confirmed what I suspected. She simply is not a decent human being. Same with F. I told him he needs to properly mark his parents graves. He is an only child and was given money from death benefits to do this. I made this request to see if he was capable of giving a crap about anything. He told me his mothers dying wish was to be put in a cardboard box and thrown in a dumpster. He said it hurt him to buy her a casket. She may have said this as she was definitely disordered. However, if he cannot see the lunacy in that , well then he may possibly be slow or he simply did not want to spend the money. They bought him houses and cars his whole life.

Zachria,

  Thanks for the insightful posts. Fantasy bonds is something I always had. A stable uncle takes me in etc. I asked myself last night if I have to reflect back on my life for how it really was and if I am okay with that. I am okay and it does hurt. I think the hurting may be the healing process.

[HappyChappy]

Hey Please help,

Thanks for sharing, that was a very touching “field report”. I actually found it inspirational, in that you were dealt such a bad hand and somehow you managed to stay in the game. Also you account for it in such a clam way. Which suggest a level of acceptance.  But that upbringing must have played havoc on your self esteem. I trust you know none of that was your fault, just symptomatic of NPD/BPD.

You ask how to accept the reality. Theres a thing called “radial acceptance” which helped me. We may understand what has happened and though that this was acceptance, but its not radical acceptance. Have you grieved the mother and father you should have ? As well as grieving for the lost childhood ? We kids of BPD never had validation, so I got that from this forum.

Your point about being orphaned, I was convinced I was adopted, as I couldn’t understand the hate. My BPD kept that misconception going (it suited her). I would wonder at how kindly my friends mothers were to me – so I guess I got glimpses of unconditional love. Point being, blood is over rated, friendship is just as good.

You might also want to look at Gestalt, but I believe you do need a trained therapist for this. But as your parents have basically denied you reality, partly because those with NPD/BPD can not apologies and tend to invalidate, Gestalt can help. You basically talk at someone as if they were your Dad or Mom only its a bit more involved than that.

Welcome to our family, Orphans unite. One question is, how will you know you have accepted it ? For me, I can write a joke on anything, but never my childhood. I can now,  it takes away the fear and ridicules what the did. So what would acceptance look like to you ?   

[Please help]

Hello All,

   I have been meaning to come back and see how everyone is doing. Thank you for the last round of feedback.

  As mentioned, I saw M after close to 30 years. Shortly after our visit, she overdosed with the money her M left her. About 15 months after that, her son ( I did not know him) overdosed as well. Both from Methamphetamine use.

 Her death was insane. I have 2 younger half brothers from her I knew as a young kid. They were the informants on her death cert. Therefore, only they could access her body. Unfortunately, they too are messed up on drugs and never followed up with funeral parlor. She sat in morgue for 31 days. I had to call police to make welfare check on them to startle them into calling funeral parlor back. Even then, they were not responsive. My uncle threatened to have them arrested for failure to dispose of a corpse (fake charge) and they finally complied. The cremation was free. All they had to do was sign some papers.

 Younger brother dying was awful as well. However, this is something only you folks could understand. Seeing autopsy reports on a half sister, half brother and mother showing illicit drug use as COD (case of death), brings closure. The insanity was not in my head. I have proof from a coronor's office they all were on drugs. It validates my beliefs sadly.
 
  My F called a few times insisting I meet with his kids from his 2nd marriage. I told him I have no interest as his ex wife and I had an awful time together. She is currently in and out of jail. His kids are on drugs, in recovery, rinse, repeat, etc. I knew them when they were about 2 years old and then lost touch.

  My F always has to find ways to tell me I am no good , weak, pathetic, etc. He yelled at me for trying to "look like a bigshot and insert myself into getting my mother cremated".
I never understood this guy nor he me. He parentified me as a kid to help get him out of jail, hide drugs during raids, etc. He doesnt see me as a kid but as a potential mark.

I was NC for 20+ years and then a few calls with him over years. I asked him why his kids dont contact me? Why do I have to put myself in an awkward situation with his 2nd family? I truly dont trust him as I think hes looking for me to take blame for his 2nd marriage failing.

 I put him in touch with a long lost cousin who paid to secure his burial in the family plot. He told me he wanted to beat her kids up for this gesture. I lived with him and his friend who was a career criminal when I was about 10. My F was never around and his roommate would take me on burglaries with him. I sat in car with walkee talkee and police scanner ( I know I am a scumbag   ) I liked this guy. He was nice to me. We stayed in very occasional touch. I put my F in contact with this guy as they havent talked in 30+ years.

He called guy up and asked if he took me on burglaries 38 years ago. Guy denied it ( obviously as he doesnt know my F anymore). F calls me up saying everything I ever say is a lie. It was pointed out to me by someone that F sees himself as a "gangster" and my stories simply outdid his and he could not have that. Could this be true? I am not proud of these stories they are merely a matter of reference point.

One theme I noticed in our few brief calls is we make small talk but then circles around to his needs ( addict behavior). He tells me he wants to leave me money when he dies but I need to meet his kids to settle estate etc. He then goes on to say he doesnt have enough money to live and I need to help with his taxes /finances. My theory is hes trying to guilt / bully me into supporting him with the hopes I will inherit money. As mentioned in previous post, he did nothing wrong in life and had to save me from my own ineptitude. Why would I want to associate with someone who sees me as a pathological liar, weak, pathetic, etc? I have kids to support and need to keep my mind tight.   

One thing I realize is a NPD / BPD will gaslight and never stop. Even in glaring truth they continue. I also have to remind myself my F is a very disturbed man. There is no way I should be trying to get validation from him. He never raised kids from birth to 18. He doesnt understand the stress of having kids and will never appreciate or respect people who raise kids. He signed custody away of his younger kids to avoid child support. he bragged about it.

 Many of us living NC feel a pull (like a magnet ) to our families. This means we are functional. The problem is we cannot emotionally take being around them as the stress is overwhelming. This leads to inner conflict that is difficult to describe.  Its important to understand these dynamics at work during our NC journey.

Thanks for reading my vent. I hope you got something from it as it helped to write down my thoughts.

Please share any feedback as you see fit !

Thanks so much !
 

[Goldcrest]

Hi Please Help. Just wanted to say big respect to you, for the strength you are showing, with what you have dealt with and are dealing with. Thank you for sharing.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Please Help,

I see so much strength in your post. The fact that you were able to go No Contact and make a life of your own with that kind of environment is incredible. And I just want to recognize you for that.

I am on low contact right now, and I feel a pull as well. I force myself to remain low/no contact to heal. I am just starting to open up my emotions bubble, and I feel so, so tired. I dissociated for so many years, and opening it all up... I am an emotional mess and I have NO IDEA how I ended up where I am right now.

I remember thinking about the future to get away from my life, but I don't remember creating an alternate life for myself, so I am not sure I can help with that. For me, instead of creating a fantasy world, it was suicide idealization. My first suicide thought, I will always remember, it was on the bus going to school, I was 9. I had just changed school, they had given me a gift : an alarm clock, so that I could wake myself up alone, eat alone, prepare my school lunch and leave the house, alone. If I was lucky, I would end up having breakfast with dad, but most times I was by myself. So I remember thinking : maybe if I kill myself, they will finally see I exist.
And it stayed.

Even as a married woman with two young kids I still get those thoughts... I see a rope and I think I could just end it there by putting it around my neck. I would NEVER do it. It is a passive thing, which I just learned was normal for survivors (I just started reading From Surviving To Thriving), it was such a huge validation to know I am not crazy, nor even depressed. It's just a thing I do...

All this to say... My suicidal thoughts are not much different than your alternate life I guess, in the sense where it's like we cannot connect to our present, to the now. We kept our old habits somehow, and I think it is just very very hard to let it go, because without them, what will we have to protect ourselves when/if things go wrong?

Reading the book... I do think it all start with self compassion, and self protection. Maybe when we can finally admit and realize we really CAN protect ourselves, then maybe, just maybe, we will be able to let go of our old habits.

Thank your for sharing your story.

[Please help]

Hi Riverwolf,

  You should be concerned about the suicidal thoughts. Its a mechanism to quickly release pressure that is too much for you. It doesnt sound like you were appreciated growing up. That is very sad.

However, the good news is you ( I am working on this as well) can learn to seek validation from yourself. I vividly recall my childhood fantasies of having a sober and present father. One who listens to a problem I am having and then provide practical guidance.

If you recall the magnetic pull I described we feel to our families, they often feel the same way about us. They feel a pull but may despise us for some insane reason or see us ( in my case) as someone who provides enabling services.

 In the case of my F, we went 20 years without talking and now its back to NC after sporadic convos. I really dont know why he found me other than to see if there was something there for him. I may have mentioned in a previous post, my cousin told a few people he & I saw each other after 30 or so years. I really disappeared. My F called him ( they havent talking in decades as well) and the first thing he asked cousin was  "how do I dress". My cousin replied "what do you mean?  Does he have money?" F said "Yes" to these folks , not being fried on drugs is considered affluent in this family.

Therefore, I knew his motives from day 1. When he concluded I couldnt help him, he started with the insults. Possibly the same in your case, my parents never saw parent / child relationship with me. I was either helping or in the way. I guess what I am suggesting is try to understand how you are perceived. It will help your closure. Because that is what we are all after. To properly categorize these toxic relationships and then heal and move on.

As an example, My F's ex wife had him tossed in jail multiple times. He served time for restraining order violations, assault, etc. I know because I bailed him out multiple times and saw him carted off many other times. As I heal, I feel embarrassed by confiding in him as a kid and seeking validation from him. It was perceived as weakness on my part. He would go on and on telling me stories how tough he was, beat up biker gangs in prison, etc. Yet, when I look back, I recall his young girlfriend high on crack smashing a glass ashtray into his head, his forehead bleeding then she throws ashtray through a window. His stories of being a hard-core take no BS person dont add up. His parents bought him a house for cash. Gave it to him. We lived there as a kid , parents divorced they sold it. He and I moved into a crackhouse  with his friend. He would brag to me about how much cash he has in bank.  Much like a little boy who just mowed a few lawns and has 40-50 bucks. I replied "yes, but we dont have a home anymore". He thought he was slick. A few years later, living 1 mile from the house we owned in a crappy apt.. Landlord calls and tells me we need to pay rent our start packing. I was about 14. I tell F and hes pissed. He works off back rent with landlord by "trying to do repairs" on building. I vividly recall him attempting to fix a wood, 3 foot high fence in the driveway. He was smashing a post into the ground with a rock while his pants were falling down. I stood at top of driveway looking at how far he fell thinking we owned a house less than 1 mile from here. I felt bad for him.

 Sorry for the anecdotal stories. Thinking and writing about the insanity with a comic spin helps me.

 I dont  know your family dynamics. But there are dynamics and its important to understand them and how they clearly impacted you.

  In my case , my F could not stand to see me out do him. In the 10th grade, I came home, told him I made track team. He started punching me for trying to act like a bigshot. I was never any good.

 Yet, his ex wife who he served a few jail terms over is able to communicate with him. They both had open cases a few years back. Hes almost 70 and shes pushing 60. She told him about a great lawyer she found. He takes her advice and starts using the guy. Which is fine. But my point that even in light hearted discussions where I am walking on eggshells just to communicate with him, go astray over him turning and being dismissive of me. Yet, he follows advice of someone who is truly criminally insane.    I am renovating a home. I had him over and he started telling me things didnt look right etc. To the best of my knowledge, he has never fixed a house. Both homes his parents bought for him were sold for less than what he paid. They were destroyed.

 Those are the dynamics I deal with and am now seeking in validation as a man instead of from F.

 Dont know if you were able to get anything for this.  In closing, please dont look at rope, knives, etc and think bad things. You are worth so much more to those around you. The very fact you are on here trying to heal tells me that !

Take care

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Please Help,

Funny enough, I wrote that yesterday morning and within the last 24hours, I've internalized so many new information.

I am now aware those thoughts are signs of emotional flashbacks... I was still a bit unsure what the author of the book meant by them, and now I know exactly, as I've just come out of my first conscious flashback. I came out of it with such relief...I am not crazy,  I think starting this journey of recovery is bringing back up a lot of things, I am exhausted, but right now, I am peaceful, depressed but a peaceful depression... It's ok, it's enough.

I am not overly worried by my suicidal thoughts, like I've said, they have been with me for so long now, but I now know better and will be able to use them, like you said, as indicators that something is wrong and that my inner child is in dire need of some validation, like you said.

It's interesting... Yesterday I went to bed just after, for the first time, realizing my mother was not only an untreated borderline, but a covert narcissist. I always had pity for her, which basically kept me around her, and she used that to hurt me deeply, confused me about myself and destroy my sense of self.

I recall, once, being off the hook, and I see now it is because she was feeding off someone else; she preys on young children, and my brother had just had his first. Suddenly she was basically "out of my life". But since my first pregnancy, she has been back and demanding I text, or video call her every day when I was living in another province. She doesn't openly ask but she always comments when I don't, in a loaded way.

She was able to suck the life out of me again last November, when I naively went there thinking we could have a normal relationship ... She can be so nice and welcoming , distance has this effect, and then BANG, she poisons you with self doubt, shame, guilt and contempt. She preys on me now, but what she really wants is access to my young children... I remember feeling like she was stealing my baby from me when she came to visit after I got out of the hospital. She has a way of getting into my head and making me feel like a stranger to my own kids. How she does it is unknown though, it's all so subtile, which makes me feel completely crazy.

 She was also an alcoholic, I woke up many times in an empty house, or with a new abusive stepfather in her bed. But she was mainly about control. She never hit me, not that I recall, but she pulled teeth that weren't ready to be pulled, and hurt me using wounds I already had... But it was about fear and control... Calling me to tell me she would kill my cat because I wasn't home, throwing away my comforting blanket, ignoring me for days on end because I said I loved my father. And somehow, I still have to tell her she is a good mother, because she is the biggest victim in the room. I hate her so very much right now...

Like you, writing it out right now actually helps me acknowledge and give some peace to my inner child who was too often gaslighted into crazyness...

Coming back to it... I dreamt of her abusing me relentlessly, while I was trying to put fence up around my house. In my dream, she kept trying to come into my house by using my current stepfather's sickness as an excuse (the only one who wasn't abusive). And then he died and he had left a note for me, which she had modified and destroyed to hurt me. I woke up triggered but not noticeably, and as the day went by, it evolved in a full blown flashback that I was finally, thankfully able to identify and "resolve".

The irony is.. I muted her on messenger, and when I opened it tonight, after the flashback, I saw she tried to call me yesterday afternoon, after two weeks of no contact. I swear, she knows something is shifting. Like you said, she feels the pull as well.

I find it hard to completely go no contact because of my stepfather. But I am starting to think I really need to. She really ravaged me. I had just not realized just how messed up my experience of life is. I have so much pain I dissociated from, that I need to heal and confront and take care of and integrate to my body to heal and accept and to finally be able to protect myself... To validate myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I do, but I also don't if that makes sens. For the first time in my life, I see myself clearly, me and the journey of recovery I need to start.

She would just injure that...

I am at a crossroad.

[Please help]

It sounds as though you have a step father who you get along with. Presumably, he is completely emeshed and will be used by M to triangulate the relationship. This complicates things for you.

If you look at this purely in clinical terms, one will see how you need to be the best version of yourself you can be for your children. Otherwise, you fail them and the cycle continues.

 There is nothing wrong with only communicating with a family member via a mental health professional in person or vis a conf. call. This is clearly a high conflict relationship and they will mediate it. Chances are your M will go a few times then flake out. Accuse therapist of taking your side, etc.

You can also keep things to letter writing. No text, calls just old fashioned letters.

 In other words, enforce boundaries. This is something normal people were taught how to do at a very young age. We never learned it and that is why we are here.

  When you can enforce healthy boundaries and then watch the disordered people spin out of control over it, you know you are at least trying to heal.

 You have to be selfish and take car of yourself first.

 My F was willing to give up custody of his 2 younger kids to eliminate child support payments. His ex met a guy in rehab, they decided to get married and he was gonna adopt her 2 kids.  Rehab guy had a moment of clarity and realized the lunacy of his plan and bailed last minute.

 My F bragged to me he was gonna allow this to happen and how court officials said they never seem this happen (eliminate CS payments). Again, he beat the system as hes smarter than everyone. He did admit to catching a DUI later in the week.

 He then recanted story - never happened, etc. I am full of lies, idiot, etc. He is somehow trying to triangulate me into above mentioned 2 kids lives. I suspect there is a co dependency or financial arrangement. One is 32 years old and still lives with him. The other receives alot of money from him. I dont fully understand why he wants the kids talking. I cant see us having anything to say good about him.

 He tries taunting me about a "possible inheritance" but I need to behave and help him in the now. This is a guy I barely know.

I just write everything he does off a addict like behavior. Even though hes clean I think. The sleazy personality stays.

[Please help]

It sounds as though you have a step father who you get along with. Presumably, he is completely emeshed and will be used by M to triangulate the relationship. This complicates things for you.

If you look at this purely in clinical terms, one will see how you need to be the best version of yourself you can be for your children. Otherwise, you fail them and the cycle continues.

 There is nothing wrong with only communicating with a family member via a mental health professional in person or  a conf. call. This is clearly a high conflict relationship and they will mediate it. Chances are your M will go a few times then flake out. Accuse therapist of taking your side, etc.

You can also keep things to letter writing. No text, calls just old fashioned letters.

 In other words, enforce boundaries. This is something normal people were taught how to do at a very young age. We never learned it and that is why we are here.

  When you can enforce healthy boundaries and then watch the disordered people spin out of control over it, you know you are at least trying to heal.

 You have to be selfish and take car of yourself first.

 My F was willing to give up custody of his 2 younger kids to eliminate child support payments. His ex met a guy in rehab, they decided to get married and he was gonna adopt her 2 kids.  Rehab guy had a moment of clarity and realized the lunacy of his plan and bailed last minute.

 My F bragged to me he was gonna allow this to happen and how court officials said they never seem this happen (eliminate CS payments). Again, he beat the system as hes smarter than everyone. He did admit to catching a DUI later in the week. Not sure if it was remorse of celebration.

 He then recanted story - never happened, etc. I am full of lies, idiot, etc. He is somehow trying to triangulate me into above mentioned 2 kids lives. I suspect there is a co dependency or financial arrangement. One is 32 years old and still lives with him. The other receives alot of money from him. I dont fully understand why he wants the kids talking. I cant see us having anything to say good about him.

 He tries taunting me about a "possible inheritance" but I need to behave and help him in the now. This is a guy I barely know.

I just write everything he does off a addict like behavior. Even though hes clean I think. The sleazy personality stays.

[Riv3rW0lf]

If you look at this purely in clinical terms, one will see how you need to be the best version of yourself you can be for your children. Otherwise, you fail them and the cycle continues.

This is very true.

I an meeting with a therapist for the first time next week. Hopefully, I can resolve the best way forward with his help.

Thank you so very much for listening and helping me out here. It helps to see someone made it to no contact and is now healthier and happier. It shows me this is a legit path forward. Thank you again.

[Please help]

Please bear in mind I went 20 years solid NC, moved,etc. Came back to area and reconnected. A few nice reunions but most were bad as every dysfunctional family has a cult mindset. That mindset is often never speak of the dysfunction. I came back and was very vocal about why I left.

My 2 female cousins flat out told me I was full of lies "grandma would never have let that happen, etc". My cousins had a different relationship as their mother (aunt)  was somewhat functional. In turn, the relationship with our g.mother was different than mine. It was only after a spate of OD deaths they admitted what I had to say was too much for them to handle.

 My F looked me up as he heard I was back in area. Still not sure what he was looking for as we have gone NC once again.

 Am I glad I broke NC after 20 years? Yes, I am but it left me disappointed. I can see things clearer now than I could when I was young.

 I realize there is simply nothing in this family for me. They are all fragmented and hate each other so its not like I am missing out on some Walton's type situation .

Friendly advice- dont waste counseling time trying to get dx of M or other family members. focus on your own growth and how to be as strong as you can be.

Best of luck !

[Riv3rW0lf]

Friendly advice- dont waste counseling time trying to get dx of M or other family members. focus on your own growth and how to be as strong as you can be.

Best of luck !

It is funny you say that.. I was just thinking that maybe I ought to try less to understand her, her sickness and her motives, and more time within myself, understanding me, my patterns and what makes me myself and at peace.

So thank you, I will. I agree wholeheartedly.

Hugs.