My ex-husband and two of my daughters may have BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi bpdfamily,

I was so happy to learn of this site. It is reassuring to know that there are others who know what I am going through. I have felt like I'm alone in a canoe in rough waters without a paddle. About a year ago, I was given the book, "Walking on Eggshells" from a friend. It was as if the book was written about my family. It was then that I started learning and understanding BPD.

I came from a large family. I have 4 siblings and between us we have 24 kids. Other than one nephew with depression, I am the only one dealing with mental illness of a loved one(s). My siblings are all happily married and we love and respect each other. My family and friends are wonderful but none of them have a loved one with mental health issues. They are encouraging and there for me and wish they could help but don't know how.

A year after college I married my ex. We dated long distance and married 9 months later. We never had an argument during that time. There were warning signs but I went through with the wedding. As soon as we were married he showed his true colors. Our first fight was on our honeymoon. Within the first 2 months, I called the police on him and fled the house several times; one time staying in a motel under my maiden name. Although not diagnosed, I now believe that, along with alcoholism and narcisism, he also has BPD - rages and all. He controlled all of us with his anger. I tried to hold the marriage/family together but after 23 1/2 years and 6 children I finally left with the kids without his knowledge and with the help of my family. I knew it would be ugly when I left. He has spiralled out of control and has done his best to "take his kids down" with him. My three sons have stayed strong and not gone down that road. Two are married, one with a daughter and one with two daughters. They are great husbands and hands on fathers. My other son is 15 and well adjusted. I left when he was not quite three years old. He has had little contact with is dad and is better for it. He has called his son twice in the last 5 month, on his birthday and on Easter.

Now, for my daughters... .

My oldest is 31 and is a triplet; she has 2 triplet brothers. They are all college graduates. She is beautiful and successful. Growing up we were very close. She was loving and giving and so helpful to me. After college, she met a guy who had a very, very abusive childhood. They moved in together within a month or so and shortly after were engaged. This would be the start of a 7 year, toxic, on again, off again abusive relationship. She would move back home devastated only to return to him again the next day. She became a different person. She lied constantly, abused alcohol and pushed me out of her life only to come back again and do it all over again. My therapist actually met with her a couple of times and told me she thought she had BPD and that I needed to set boundaries but never explained to me what that looked like. After my daughter "claimed" she tried to commit suicide 2 times I asked my therapist if she thought she would take her life and and she told me no because she was too narcissistic. I asked if she was going to be ok and was told that she was going to be fine but that she was going to take everyone around her down. Wow, was this ever the truth. The last several years have been a roller coaster of lies, being cut out of her life only to later act like everything is ok. She has made some really bad choices (too many to discuss) and is in another dysfunctional relationship that keeps breaking up and she begs to get him back. I strongly think she has BPD/Narcissism with alcohol and prescription drug dependency. She is now enabling her 2 younger sisters.

My 2nd daughter was born 6 years after the triplets. Other than being a typical teenager, she really gave me no problems. She was a very good 3 sport athlete. In the Spring of her senior year, while still 17, she met a guy who was a real smooth talker. He was 23, still technically married and had a little girl. Two months after meeting him, a month after graduation, she told me she was moving in with him (and his mom and stepdad at a lake house.) I thought she was kidding. She was turning 18 in less than a month and feeling helpless, I let her go. She left and never really turned back. Up to that point, it was the hardest thing I had been through. The relationship didn't last and she had a few other relationships. At 19 she bought a townhouse; I found out through social media. She met a really awful guy and within a month was trying to get pregnant. This guy had been married and had 3 girls with two different women, all of whom he sighed his rights away for. They did get pregnant and married. He has her hooked on meth and he has admitted to physically abusing her in front of their child. She has left him and moved in with her older sister several times and keeps going back to him; I believe for the drugs. He has threatened her and all of us. When she first left him, he said he had a gun with eight bullets in it, one for every member of her family. I reach out and try to have a relationship with her and my granddaughter only to have her cut me out of her life for not accepting her husband. Older sister has a good career and is financially in a position that she takes her in, gives her money, buys her a phone, pays for her lawyer etc only to have her go back to him until the next time and then she does it all over again. Although she rages, cuts me out of her life and has drug addiction, I do not think she has BPD.

This brings us to my biggest challenge, my 18 year old daughter. This one has had mental health issues her whole life. She was diagnosed with Anxiety disorder and has been on Prozac since she was 5 years old. She has panic attacks and impulse contol issues making poor and dangerous choices: one which led her to being raped and sodomized her freshman year of high school. It was time that I move away from the dysfunctional town, father and sisters if she was to have any chance for success. I turned my life upside down for her, left my job, rented my house and moved an hour and a half away back home with my parents and 2 youngest. I enrolled them in great private schools. My daughter would graduate 40 years later than me from my highschool. She continued to have major issues... .lies, impulse control choices, drinking, raging etc. She has no remorse for any of the things she has done. I wonder at times if she knows right from wrong. I think she does but she just doesn't care. I have been in the trenches with her through it all and taken all of her abuse which she also turned on those we lived with, her brother and grandparents. She has no respect for anyone's property - many instances. After bring her to a new area, new school, new environment with the chance to see that not all guys were like her father and the guys her sisters have had, she goes online and "meets" a guy who lives almost an hour away and just as bad, if not worse. I had a bad feeling the first time I met him. After that first meeting, he texted me and told me that my daughter told him I was strict and overprotective because of my 2 older daughters and promised me he would never do that and take her away from me. (I thought it was strange). The next time, he told me about his extremely disfunctional and abusive family. It didn't take long to see how he was controlling her. After making some really bad choices, I gave her a much deserved punishment of a 2 week restriction. A little while later, she told me that she was moving in with her boyfriend and that his mom and her father were going to pay for her college. I told her that she was 18 and I was not going to stop her but that she was not taking the car that I bought for her to use. The boyfriend came and picked her up. She did not go to school all week and was going to get her oldest sister's spare car that weekend. When sis changed her mind, I gave her the car to use until graduation so she wouldn't drop out. She missed many days but is on schedule to graduate. The school has been amazing, meeting and keeping in touch with me and working with her to finish. She is very smart and got into every college to which she applied. Now her father and his mom are saying that they are not paying for it and she wants me to. Her father's main purpose is to hurt me and he doesn't care how much he hurts his daughters in the process. He told her that he would pay to get her to leave the house. The rare times that she has texted me since have started out ok and then quickly turned to hateful rages. There have been several pre-graduation activities and more to come before graduation in 2 days, all of which she is not attending. This was supposed to be such a special time for us with her graduation and the 40th anniversary of my graduation. I am hurt, disappointed and yes, angry.

I should mention, the ex is on thefamily farm (the police have been there several times due to his raging and his dysfunctional relationships.) The oldest daughter is also on the farm, in another house. The oldest has taken over the mom position with both the girls. She is "helping" the youngest work it out so she can go to college and has once again "blocked" me from her life. Over the weekend I got a text from the youngest that the oldest has taken the middle one and her daughter back in and is now supporting her and not the youngest. This is never ending drama. The three girls and their father are all together and are supported each other in turning against me. They truly believe all the fighting and drama is normal. The family is divided. I have removed myself and my youngest son from all of it. It hurts and I would love a healthy relationship with them but no matter what I do or how calm and stabble I am, they will always turn on me and make me the bad guy. I know I have to move on and take care of me (and my youngest.) This has been my life for 35 years and I need to stop "walking on eggshells."

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I look forward to learning how to move forward.

P.S. Can a father and at least 2, if not 3, daughters all have BPD?

Blessings,

Mom of 6

[Mom of 6]

Hi bpdfamily,

I was so happy to learn of this site. It is reassuring to know that there are others who know what I am going through. I have felt like I'm alone in a canoe in rough waters without a paddle. About a year ago, I was given the book, "Walking on Eggshells" from a friend. It was as if the book was written about my family. It was then that I started learning and understanding BPD.

I came from a large family. I have 4 siblings and between us we have 24 kids. Other than one nephew with depression, I am the only one dealing with mental illness of a loved one(s). My siblings are all happily married and we love and respect each other. My family and friends are wonderful but none of them have a loved one with mental health issues. They are encouraging and there for me and wish they could help but don't know how.

A year after college I married my ex. We dated long distance and married 9 months later. We never had an argument during that time. There were warning signs but I went through with the wedding. As soon as we were married he showed his true colors. Our first fight was on our honeymoon. Within the first 2 months, I called the police on him and fled the house several times; one time staying in a motel under my maiden name. Although not diagnosed, I now believe that, along with alcoholism and narcisism, he also has BPD - rages and all. He controlled all of us with his anger. I tried to hold the marriage/family together but after 23 1/2 years and 6 children I finally left with the kids without his knowledge and with the help of my family. I knew it would be ugly when I left. He has spiralled out of control and has done his best to "take his kids down" with him. My three sons have stayed strong and not gone down that road. Two are married, one with a daughter and one with two daughters. They are great husbands and hands on fathers. My other son is 15 and well adjusted. I left when he was not quite three years old. He has had little contact with is dad and is better for it. He has called his son twice in the last 5 month, on his birthday and on Easter.

Now, for my daughters... .

My oldest is 31 and is a triplet; she has 2 triplet brothers. They are all college graduates. She is beautiful and successful. Growing up we were very close. She was loving and giving and so helpful to me. After college, she met a guy who had a very, very abusive childhood. They moved in together within a month or so and shortly after were engaged. This would be the start of a 7 year, toxic, on again, off again abusive relationship. She would move back home devastated only to return to him again the next day. She became a different person. She lied constantly, abused alcohol and pushed me out of her life only to come back again and do it all over again. My therapist actually met with her a couple of times and told me she thought she had BPD and that I needed to set boundaries but never explained to me what that looked like. After my daughter "claimed" she tried to commit suicide 2 times I asked my therapist if she thought she would take her life and and she told me no because she was too narcissistic. I asked if she was going to be ok and was told that she was going to be fine but that she was going to take everyone around her down. Wow, was this ever the truth. The last several years have been a roller coaster of lies, being cut out of her life only to later act like everything is ok. She has made some really bad choices (too many to discuss) and is in another dysfunctional relationship that keeps breaking up and she begs to get him back. I strongly think she has BPD/Narcissism with alcohol and prescription drug dependency. She is now enabling her 2 younger sisters.

My 2nd daughter was born 6 years after the triplets. Other than being a typical teenager, she really gave me no problems. She was a very good 3 sport athlete. In the Spring of her senior year, while still 17, she met a guy who was a real smooth talker. He was 23, still technically married and had a little girl. Two months after meeting him, a month after graduation, she told me she was moving in with him (and his mom and stepdad at a lake house.) I thought she was kidding. She was turning 18 in less than a month and feeling helpless, I let her go. She left and never really turned back. Up to that point, it was the hardest thing I had been through. The relationship didn't last and she had a few other relationships. At 19 she bought a townhouse; I found out through social media. She met a really awful guy and within a month was trying to get pregnant. This guy had been married and had 3 girls with two different women, all of whom he sighed his rights away for. They did get pregnant and married. He has her hooked on meth and he has admitted to physically abusing her in front of their child. She has left him and moved in with her older sister several times and keeps going back to him; I believe for the drugs. He has threatened her and all of us. When she first left him, he said he had a gun with eight bullets in it, one for every member of her family. I reach out and try to have a relationship with her and my granddaughter only to have her cut me out of her life for not accepting her husband. Older sister has a good career and is financially in a position that she takes her in, gives her money, buys her a phone, pays for her lawyer etc only to have her go back to him until the next time and then she does it all over again. Although she rages, cuts me out of her life and has drug addiction, I do not think she has BPD.

This brings us to my biggest challenge, my 18 year old daughter. This one has had mental health issues her whole life. She was diagnosed with Anxiety disorder and has been on Prozac since she was 5 years old. She has panic attacks and impulse contol issues making poor and dangerous choices: one which led her to being raped and sodomized her freshman year of high school. It was time that I move away from the dysfunctional town, father and sisters if she was to have any chance for success. I turned my life upside down for her, left my job, rented my house and moved an hour and a half away back home with my parents and 2 youngest. I enrolled them in great private schools. My daughter would graduate 40 years later than me from my highschool. She continued to have major issues... .lies, impulse control choices, drinking, raging etc. She has no remorse for any of the things she has done. I wonder at times if she knows right from wrong. I think she does but she just doesn't care. I have been in the trenches with her through it all and taken all of her abuse which she also turned on those we lived with, her brother and grandparents. She has no respect for anyone's property - many instances. After bring her to a new area, new school, new environment with the chance to see that not all guys were like her father and the guys her sisters have had, she goes online and "meets" a guy who lives almost an hour away and just as bad, if not worse. I had a bad feeling the first time I met him. After that first meeting, he texted me and told me that my daughter told him I was strict and overprotective because of my 2 older daughters and promised me he would never do that and take her away from me. (I thought it was strange). The next time, he told me about his extremely disfunctional and abusive family. It didn't take long to see how he was controlling her. After making some really bad choices, I gave her a much deserved punishment of a 2 week restriction. A little while later, she told me that she was moving in with her boyfriend and that his mom and her father were going to pay for her college. I told her that she was 18 and I was not going to stop her but that she was not taking the car that I bought for her to use. The boyfriend came and picked her up. She did not go to school all week and was going to get her oldest sister's spare car that weekend. When sis changed her mind, I gave her the car to use until graduation so she wouldn't drop out. She missed many days but is on schedule to graduate. The school has been amazing, meeting and keeping in touch with me and working with her to finish. She is very smart and got into every college to which she applied. Now her father and his mom are saying that they are not paying for it and she wants me to. Her father's main purpose is to hurt me and he doesn't care how much he hurts his daughters in the process. He told her that he would pay to get her to leave the house. The rare times that she has texted me since have started out ok and then quickly turned to hateful rages. There have been several pre-graduation activities and more to come before graduation in 2 days, all of which she is not attending. This was supposed to be such a special time for us with her graduation and the 40th anniversary of my graduation. I am hurt, disappointed and yes, angry.

I should mention, the ex is on thefamily farm (the police have been there several times due to his raging and his dysfunctional relationships.) The oldest daughter is also on the farm, in another house. The oldest has taken over the mom position with both the girls. She is "helping" the youngest work it out so she can go to college and has once again "blocked" me from her life. Over the weekend I got a text from the youngest that the oldest has taken the middle one and her daughter back in and is now supporting her and not the youngest. This is never ending drama. The three girls and their father are all together and are supported each other in turning against me. They truly believe all the fighting and drama is normal. The family is divided. I have removed myself and my youngest son from all of it. It hurts and I would love a healthy relationship with them but no matter what I do or how calm and stabble I am, they will always turn on me and make me the bad guy. I know I have to move on and take care of me (and my youngest.) This has been my life for 35 years and I need to stop "walking on eggshells."

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I look forward to learning how to move forward.

P.S. Can a father and at least 2, if not 3, daughters all have BPD?

Blessings,

Mom of 6

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Mom of 6,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. What a story. First I’m sorry about the circumstances that led you here. Members will come along and answe your question. The causes for BPD are genetics, environment and a stressful / traumatic event can trigger the onset of the disorder.

I think that you’re doing the right thing by not participating in the drama. I completely understand how frustrating and hurtful that is when you’re blamed for everything. That’s a hallmark of BPD and emotionally immaturity when a pwBPD flinders they project their actions on others.

I don’t have kids that have BPD I do have an exuBPDw and dad with narcissistic traits and I know hoe tough it is when you have more than one mentally ill person close to you. I had to accept that I can’t change them although for years I was hoping that they would eventually change and see me for who I am not a person to simply project blame on.

Have you thought a limiting contact as well?

[Mom of 6]

Hi Mutt,

Thank you for responding. It has been a rough road but fortunately I have a strong Faith and a supportive family.

Contact has been limited, mostly on their end. They feed off each other and have their dad encouraging them. I am concerned about this Sunday. My son and his wife are having a birthday party for their 2 girls and my other son having one for his daughter the following Saturday.

If their dad or the girls come, there will be drama (always is.) Their father ruined my son's college graduation and several years later did even worse at his wedding. We are all on high alert when he comes to anything. My other 2 kids that are married eloped. The girls will also make a scene and not worry who sees it (and will feel justified doing it.)

I see dysfunctional families on Dr. Phil and think, they have nothing on this family.   I never imagined that I would have all of this in my own family and I am so grateful to know that there are others out there that know what I am going through. For years I wrestled with the thought that it was me and what did I do wrong. I still do at times. My ex had me questioning myself and now the girls do. They are so good at twisting and manipulating everything.

How do you begin to get them to see that they have a mental illness and do something about it when they are always right and it's everyone else who causes it? My youngest is the only one who has been in counselling (since she was 5.) She is so smart and snowballed the counselors. I even took her for a "full psychiatric evaluation". I went the 1st day and had pages of notes of issues since she was a toddler. At the end he agreed that she most likely had BPD. She went the next day and came home and told me that he said she is fine, she has anxiety and depression and to keep taking her medicine. She was the one who asked me to get her help (above the medicine and therapist). $1200 later we were no further along than we were before. Her behaviors just continued to escalate.

This morning was the Mother/Daughter graduation brunch at the near by country club, tonight the baccalaureate mass and ceremony and tomorrow graduation. She is not going to any of them. She dropped my car off last night and texted me that it was there and left. I have a tracker on my car so I did know where she was, now I will have no idea.

Thank you again for responding,

Mom of 6

[Mutt]

For years I wrestled with the thought that it was me and what did I do wrong. I still do at times.

I can relate with that they're loved ones and sometimes we ask ourselves what did I do to get a reaction like that, a criteria for BPD is rigid thought patterns, you can approach them any number of ways and you'll probably get the same response if you ask them questions that are self reflective?

How do you begin to get them to see that they have a mental illness and do something about it when they are always right and it's everyone else who causes it?

I can understand how frustrating the disorder is, it's like telling someone don't do that and they go ahead and do it they have to go through the experience themselves to understand. To them they may think that there is nothing wrong with them because the reality that they know their perception is real to them. Think of it this way they have a healthy benchmark to compare it to. It's not to say that one or all may feel like there is something not right with them one and seek help for themselves they have to go through their path their way they may get help they may not.

This morning was the Mother/Daughter graduation brunch at the near by country club, tonight the baccalaureate mass and ceremony and tomorrow graduation. She is not going to any of them. She dropped my car off last night and texted me that it was there and left. I have a tracker on my car so I did know where she was, now I will have no idea.

I know that it's sad when you can't reason with someone, it's really frustrating I can relate with that she may have a number of reasons why she isn't going, maybe she split you black not something under control may she has anxiety and the thought of going to these functions is sending her anxiety through the roof.

Has she had periods in the past where she was cold towards you? Does she act this way when she is feeling stressed? How long did it last?

[Mom of 6]

Mutt,

Just now getting back... .You asked if she has had times in the past when she was cold to me. YES only not to this extreme. This is a common thing with her dad's side of the family. There are huge blowups, then silence for periods of time, then everything is "OK" until the next big blowup. It is constant.

Since I last posted, she has continued to make poor choices. She did not attend her graduation or any of the festivities and the next day, she got engaged... .I found out on Facebook. She is still is living with him and his dysfunctional family until he goes to boot camp in a month. She will then move in with her two BPD sisters on the farm with her alcoholic father. She is also saying she can't go to college and it's all my fault. Grrr

I am really trying to distance myself from all the drama. Since they haven't been able to get me involved, they are now attacking my sister-in-law. It is so sad.