I'm better off alone, but it still doesn't deny the fact that I feel lonely.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, I know I'm better off alone, but it still doesn't deny the fact that I feel lonely. I don't seem to have chemistry with many people.  I'm pretty socially awkward so it's hard for me to get out there and make new friends, whatever.  So I mostly make them at work, and right now the people I work with are awful.  

Everyone I know is in a relationship, getting married, having babies.  

I live by myself and I always thought it would be nice to have a dog, but I work overnights and wouldn't be here all the time to care for it properly.  My mom is allergic also so she wouldn't be able to stay here as much. I'd rather have my mom here to be honest.  

Idk.  I just don't feel very wanted or appreciated for anything I do for people and I feel like I work really hard at my relationships with people.  It's exhausting when it's always about how they feel and never about me so I tend to be a loner.  'Cause I just can't be around too many people like that. Idk.  

I made the mistake of checking her profile just now.  Her and her gf have been going on for 8 months now... .Longer than we lasted.  I mean we lasted a year, but it was on and off all the time, and she just seems to be super happy with her.  

I don't really think I'm meant for anyone. I did everything for her and it was never good enough. The only thing I didn't have was money. I think her new gf has money because they're always going out to sports events and different things. Stuff we never did because I didn't have money. Makes me want to drink.

[Shedd]

So, I know I'm better off alone, but it still doesn't deny the fact that I feel lonely. I don't seem to have chemistry with many people.  I'm pretty socially awkward so it's hard for me to get out there and make new friends, whatever.  So I mostly make them at work, and right now the people I work with are awful.  

Everyone I know is in a relationship, getting married, having babies.  

I live by myself and I always thought it would be nice to have a dog, but I work overnights and wouldn't be here all the time to care for it properly.  My mom is allergic also so she wouldn't be able to stay here as much. I'd rather have my mom here to be honest.  

Idk.  I just don't feel very wanted or appreciated for anything I do for people and I feel like I work really hard at my relationships with people.  It's exhausting when it's always about how they feel and never about me so I tend to be a loner.  'Cause I just can't be around too many people like that. Idk.  

I made the mistake of checking her profile just now.  Her and her gf have been going on for 8 months now... .Longer than we lasted.  I mean we lasted a year, but it was on and off all the time, and she just seems to be super happy with her.  

I don't really think I'm meant for anyone. I did everything for her and it was never good enough. The only thing I didn't have was money. I think her new gf has money because they're always going out to sports events and different things. Stuff we never did because I didn't have money. Makes me want to drink.

[Zen606]

Hi Shedd,
If you were involved with someone who has BPD/traits you are blaming and isolating yourself for no good reason. Being with someone with that disorder or traits is a no-win situation. I would say, please check out the ""insights" section of this website. You will see what having BPD/traits is like and its devastating consequences on their non partners.
Zen606

[pearlsw]

I don't really think I'm meant for anyone.

Hi Shedd,

I have this sneaking suspicion myself at times!

Remember, our mind can put up a lot of messages at times that simply aren’t true, or don’t have to be true.

There may or may not someone for everyone, but there are ways to keep at it. Have you tried any online dating? That can certainly be a way to get right to where other folks are who want to date or at least talk. There is really almost no need to be lonely nowadays unless you want to be alone.  Wanna make a game plan to get yourself back out there a bit?

We all have something to offer the world, even when we can’t always see it, okay? All of us.

with compassion, pearl.

[Turkish]

Shedd,

Zen606 makes a good point about looking at the Insights articles at the top of the board.  They all link at the bottom to board discussions by members who have all been where you are.  https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols

I don't really think I'm meant for anyone. I did everything for her and it was never good enough. The only thing I didn't have was money

Speaking to the first,  I feel your pain.  I often think similarly.  I think it helps to dig deep and define how you feel about yourself as a person vis-a-vis how you feel you should be to other people.  Do you value yourself as you are minus how others may try to scrunch you into how they think you should be?

As to the second,  I'm not rich,  but I do ok.  Over 4 years out, she still calls me "cheap," despite the fact that she owes me about $1500 according to our custody order which I will likely never see.  The $40k SUV I bought our family (her) in 2013 wasn't good enough. She started cheating on my within a month I later found out. All the money she wanted me to spend (home addition, vacation after vacation) wouldn't have been good enough to fill her emptiness. 

[Shedd]

I have tried online dating, but it never works for me. I sometimes will get a date or two things will seem alright then I never get a call or text back or anything.

I do feel like I always have to tiptoe around everyone’s feelings like I can’t make any mistakes or they’ll take me out of their life. It’s happened more than once. So i just stay alone by myself.

[Jeffree]

I think it helps to dig deep and define how you feel about yourself as a person vis-a-vis how you feel you should be to other people.  Do you value yourself as you are minus how others may try to scrunch you into how they think you should be?

Turkish, I think the problem with this is that while it's always good to self assess one's confidence, self-esteem, or what have you, typically it does take someone else to mirror back what we think we're putting out there or are about. Without that there tends to be enough doubt as to make one wonder if they are seeing oneself accurately. This is not to say that one's entire existence is totally dependent upon another's approval, but that no man is an island and when one finds that person who mirrors them it reaffirms what we had been thinking about ourselves all along.

J

[pearlsw]

Hi Shedd,

I dated someone I grew up with, someone I met on the street in another country, people from delis and coffee shops, dance clubs, online, etc. there is no shortage of people to date. Later I moved to a new city, I figured I could get a date, and tried online dating again and I was surprised at how much I was striking out, but I am happy I did…because at some point I hit if off with someone special. I had to laugh at the absurdity of it all.  The semi-random nature of it all. A bad run of dating doesn’t have to last forever…

I had a good friend who had a really messed up relationship in his 20’s (his gal was bipolar and life was pretty difficult together) and it took him many, many, many years to finally click with someone. Oh geez, I think he went 10-15 years and in that time only had a three month relationship, but eventually in his 50’s he met a great gal and married and he’s a lot more settled than I am and I was out there really trying to find a match for myself! Anything can happen. Seriously.

Do you have ways to meet people? Do you have friends who know someone or like to go out in groups? If you want to date then get out there buddy. And if you don’t that’s okay too, but don’t sell yourself short if you want some companionship you can meet a nice person out there somewhere eventually. The world needs kind and loving people.

What kinds of mistakes do you feel you are making with people?

warmly, pearl.

p.s. I dated some very brainy socially awkward guys that were pretty hot. Heck, I was super shy and was/am probably a bit awkward at times. Who cares. Work it! Own it!

[Zen606]

Hi Shedd,
You have lots of support here on this forum!
Sometimes positive things come late in life, and a relationship is included. What about joining community groups, or take a class, or do volunteer work?  There are many avenues to pursue. You can also place an ad in the local newspaper personals. I agree with Pearl, make a game plan. That is the best way to problem solve and then have several plans, A, B, C.  One never knows what is around the corner, unless we go for a walk!

Zen606

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Shedd,

It sounds like your s/o was looking for ways to make herself feel whole.  If you had all the money in the world, it probably wouldn't have been enough.  If a person isn't happy, money isn't going to buy it.  So, don't beat yourself up about that.  Of course, money is necessary to get the basics and it makes some things easier, but look around, there are plenty of unhappy rich people.  They are in the news all the time.

My husband was rarely, and I mean rarely happy with anything I bought him or did for him.  He accused me of being cheap.  Maybe I am... .who knows, but I tend to think that I spend within my means.  I am thoughtful not extravagant.

Have you read, Feeling Good - The New Mood Therapy by David Burns?  It is reviewed on this website.  It was helpful to me.  I bought it second hand, it was cheap. Lol.  

I find that just visiting at the nursing home where my mom lives lifts my spirits.  They are so happy to talk to people and it makes me happy, too.  

Hope you're having a better day,

Mustbeabetterway

[Shedd]

Thank you all for the lovely comments. 

I pretty much come home and go to work.  I don't get out much to meet new people.  Pretty much all the friends I've had I have met through work. . 

I have been focusing most of my attention on my new house that needs work, and trying to look for a new job.  I can only balance so many things at once or I get stressed out, and can't do anything properly.  I think eventually when I get more settled into my house I am going to join a class.  I love painting and drawing so maybe take a fall class or something. 

I feel like I'm extremely different from most people so I have a hard time finding somoene who mirrors me, and if I do they're usually straight. .   

I haven't totally given up.  I always thought I'd find someone in my 40's because I've always been attracted to 40 year old women... . So there is hope I guess. 

I think my problem is in dating is that I basically throw myself at them and don't give the relationship time to grow.  I know everything I've done wrong in past relationships so I really want to try again hopefully soon.  I just think I know how to do it right now.

Anyway. Thank you all for the nice words and support! <3

[Zen606]

Hi Shedd,
There are many opportunities out there to take advantage of. You say you are fixing your place and looking for  job so you do have much on your plate right now but it could be through those activities that you may meet someone nice and interesting. Stay open and ask the universe to give you what you need. The universe's energy will listen to you.  All of us have been where you are, I know I have, and its a struggle, a seemingly never ending one, and one day it happens. You meet someone without realizing that with this person you will go on an interesting journey.

Zen606

[Insom]

Hi, Shedd!  It sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking and that you're feeling discouraged.

I do feel like I always have to tiptoe around everyone’s feelings like I can’t make any mistakes or they’ll take me out of their life. It’s happened more than once. So i just stay alone by myself.

Hugs.     I can relate very much to how lonely this feels.  Can you remember when this feeling started for you?