Looking for additional guidance to help heal my wife.
I have some tough thoughts for you, though not written in stone. Some here have reported being able to work though a marriage but almost always that means a therapist is deeply involved. Is she in meaningful and progressing long term therapy? That is a key indicator of someone willing to heal or recover.
You've been with your spouse for a decade yet despite all that time things got worse and you're in the midst of a divorce now. So I will posit that you thus far have been unable to help her 'heal'. Not your fault, typically the BPD behaviors are most evident with those closest to the person. And also the spouse is the last person who can fix or heal. Yes, support for her cooperation is possible, but the emotional baggage of the close relationship prevents her from listening to you. Maybe, just maybe, an emotionally neutral professional such as a therapist can hep her
if she chooses to cooperate with the therapy.
The fact is that divorce in court is too often cast as an adversarial process. That fits her Black or White, All or Nothing worldview. Whether or not you can ever reach her, it seems a very iffy possibility thus far, you have a new priority now... .protecting yourself and protecting the children and their futures. Sadly, that priority has to come before her interests.
One of our most important handbooks is
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger. This is an essential must-read. It advises having an experienced, problem solving, proactive lawyer. Is your lawyer passively reactive or solidly proactive?
