totally lost, please help, drunken daughter in pool with child and saying its ok

[Blueskyday]

Hi,
My 28yr old daughter has been diagnosed with BPD traits and bipolar. We have been getting on well for a few months but I have been so unwell. I was struck down with weird pelvic symptoms and pains in November. Currently I am on week 5 of a 9 week sickness from work. I have only just come out of constant pelvic pain. I can't sit up for any length of time and have seen at least 10 doctors and consultants in the last few months. I cant walk far or lift anything heavy. my job is definitely at risk and I wont recieve a wage this month. I m exhausted and stressed to the max

My Grandchild who adored me  (no idea whats been said since yesterday) and my daughter had spent the week. Everything was fine. She does tend to let go and have me wake up and entertain and make breakfasts for the child which given the circumstances is hard but I put up with it. She has been so good in other ways and I said to her the night before how lonely I will be when they go.

Yesterday me and the child went to the garden and I put her in my 6foot blow up pool. A bit later my daughter comes and said she is going for some prosecco. She returned with 2 large bottles. She drank one very quickly and then said she spilled the second one and was going out for more. I had already had to ask her not to get drunk a few nights before as I was in so much pain. I thought i may need to go to hospital. There is ambiguity about what's happening to me.

She comes back drunker than she left and tells me that she drank cider on the walk home. Not only that but forgot where she got it from amd asked tewrong shop to open it.

I was totally shocked. I tried my best to deal. She was swaying and starting to sing. She had the music playing but the N word kept coming on. Her reactions were not quick enough to change it when I asked. she was swearing and next door were having a party for a 1yr old.

She got in the pool with my Grandchild. She was so drunk she had struggled to light a cig. She started to thrash about and had totally let go. My Grandbaby was enjoying her being so playful.

I got so worried she could see and I asked her not to open the other bottle. she seemed to be getting drunker. She told me I was spoiling their fun making a big deal of her having a drink and bade me go to bed. I said I was tired and I was but the stress hit me. The child said yes go to bed Grandma.

I got so upset I came in but kept an eye. Had I stayed she would have started on me.
5 minutes later I hear screams. she fell on the child. Child clearly terrified and said she had gone under. Dtr is 175lbs.

I rushed out, very angry by this point and said "enough,In!". in a very angry tone.

Then the roof came off. My daughter starts screaminghellpunctuating every sentence. She can look after her child. i am being ridiculous etc etc... .began to start the "You always" and stopped herself when I said do not do that.

She wept and wailed and staggered about in front of the child who said "yes Grandma I was just crying" . She wrote a note of apology from me to her Mum.I was getting angrier as my dtr wouldn't leave it. I told her not to do this infront of the child but she persisted. she kept banging about and attacking me verbally. i went downstairs and when she followed me I lost my temper entirely.

She had been threatening to leave. I cooked and about an hr and a half had passed. My neighbours all heard the screaming and her swearing at me.

I looked at the totally sad and confused child and told her she needed to go home. she was sufficiently sober to take the child out of this situation by this time. I told her to take her dog who was going to stay with me because I was so angry. At that point i just needed her to go as she wouldn't stop. I needed to calm down.

She regularly drinks more than I think she should when the child goes to dance or when we go out. After I went to London to a consultant I met them an she got so drunk her friends offered to go home with her and the child. I couldn't have let he out of my sight so drunk and alone with the child. Of course even then she said i was being ridiculous.


She left in a cab. I messaged her today and her response was "I am not ready to speak to you about this, stop messaging me, respect my privacy."

I had said I was terrified when she was drinking and in a pool with a 6yr old and that her reaction was down to the alcohol she had consumed. I love them both and dont know what to do.

So here I am! I can't relax because the child saw all that ugliness. she saw me at my worst
inspite of my best efforts I lost it.

Please help

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Aww Blueskyday, I can't imagine how awful this is for you, my heart really goes out to you, so many things to think about and untangle all at once. 

I'm so glad you came to the bpdfamily to share this with us, so many parents come here under similar circumstances and at a crisis point where their BPD children seem to have lost control and refuse to take any responsibility.  It's particularly difficult when your grandchild is involved and I know exactly how horrible it is to have young children witness complete dysfunction and emotional dysregulation not to mention fearing for her life in that pool.  I'm so glad your grandchild is ok. My DD27 raged violently at me and my husband with 1 year old in her arms. It's also so very difficult to have your child tell you there is nothing wrong and to butt out. 

It's my experience, that dysregulation can often happen when we least expect it, it just kind of hits us out of left field and we are left reeling from the event.

Given your circumstances with your health, this needs to be a priority for you.  Tending to your needs first is essential in being able to help anyone else.  Is there a conversation (at a very calm point) with your daughter that you can ensure she understands this; a very strong boundary.  While you may miss them, it will be an opportunity for you to focus on you so that you are in a stronger position moving forward, and potentially to think about how to move forward with your BPD daughter. Coming here is a perfect opportunity to learn about BPD from all of the information to the right  but also engaging with other parents and their journeys as there is so much wisdom and value to be had.

No doubt there is fear in letting go temporarily, but I know personally that letting go of rescuing is very difficult when it is entrenched in our parenting.

I hope you also have some support in a therapist, people very close to you.  Draw on that support too, and we are always hear to listen to you and bounce ideas.

You will be in my thoughts 
Take care
Merlot

[Blueskyday]

 Merlot, thank you.
I am afraid that I have become so ill and depressed I have totally isolated myself. I do not have a friend in the world.

I am sorry that you too have to live with this. It is a waking nightmare. Yes I agree, it comes out of left field. She does get a bit funny if I sat I love her and will miss her. I forget!

Long time ago my DD stopped me from having relationships after the death of my partner. life was so difficult. I spent most of my life after having her unwell with Lupus, trying to survive the rages and multiple dramas. All of my family have passed.
She rages when i am at my most vulnerable.

She accused me of waiting until her guard was down to attack her...

I got a reply last night saying she didn't want to go over it... .So its stalemate. She will not take responsibility. Who downs whole bottles of wine and gets in a pool with a child then thinks its ok? How can she possibly defend that behaviour?

I am so sad. I don't care that I am alone so much. The fact that the child saw all of this is knawing away at me.

I know I have to take a step back from her again. I will keep quiet for a couple of weeks and focus on digging myself out of this financial crisis. I have to try to do exercises to be able to sit or I won't be able to return to work.

I feel like I have hit bottom with this now once and for all. I adore my Grandchild. I can never allow myself to be put in this position again. She should not be witnessing her sick Granma being goded until she explodes. I am ashamed of my anger, that I couldn't have controlled myself more. I tried as much as I could but she kept coming at me. By the time she realised I was serious and after many threats to leave I just wanted her to go.

I am totally heartbroken

[Merlot]

hi Blueskyday

I am afraid that I have become so ill and depressed I have totally isolated myself. I do not have a friend in the world.

I am so sorry to hear this, but you will always be able to come here to talk and share and hopefully make some connections in the bpdfamily.  I personally have been coming for 5 months following a crisis with my BPD daughter who has cut me and my granddaughter off.  While I have some close friends/family and my husband, I could not have got through without the wonderful support and guidance from members here.  Please know that we will always be here for you.

I'm glad you are taking a step back.  It may be just a tiny kick start that sets the ball rolling on a new path, it certainly was that for me.  I was able to step out of the drama and focus on learning about BPD and how to take care of myself.  I was also able to think about some critical boundaries in terms of what I was prepared to accept and not accept and really focusing on recognising how to stop rescuing.  In fact, claiming some of my life back after I'd handed it over to her is what led to me now being cut off essentially.

I am ashamed of my anger, that I couldn't have controlled myself more. I tried as much as I could but she kept coming at me. By the time she realised I was serious and after many threats to leave I just wanted her to go.

I am totally heartbroken

Be gentle on yourself, you did the best you could in the circumstances, we all have.  You are clearly a very strong woman, I'm sorry she has taken so much and I'm hoping that you can find the strength to give some of your own life back for you.

Keep coming and talking to us, you are not alone.

Hugs to you
Merlot

[Blueskyday]

Hi merlot, I am so sorry about your Grandbaby being withheld. My Dtr tried that when the child was tiny. I got so that she knew I would have taken her to court. I generally tolerate her bad behaviours if they don't impact the child. If she drops the ball around me I usually try to see her side of things, how tired she gets and pick up the slack. Its so exhausting constantly battling. I thought I had found a way to pick the right battles.

I read her message in full. Basically me saying she has an issue with knowing when to stop drinking is a lie! She wants to forget this ever happened and is prepared to not drink around me ( shes conceding to my madness)

Maybe I would be ok with this but what the heck? The message she is giving the child is that I created this situation. She believes that she has done nothing, has not behaved badly.

This does not sit right with me at all. When she left I was so upset that I have been in agony since Sunday. she screamed and swore in my home for hours. She put her child at risk.

I would dearly love some advice from anyone here as I can't speak to her. She expects me to just slide back to the way we were. The mostly one way relationship with me being grateful for the chance to be with them and us enmeshed unhealthily.

I feel that if she doesn't take any responsibility then I am saying I was in the wrong. in her rational means i was simply waiting for an opportunity to attack her. My Grandbaby saw me so angry and I am worried that she's turning her against me as she's turned the whole thing around herself.

Her friends think I am a monster. I cant let her do this to my grandaby too

[Merlot]

Hi blueskyday

I totally understand how difficult this is for you.  My daughter is also unable to accept responsibility for for her behaviour and "flips her disastrous behaviour/ issues back onto me". At times, Ive felt like Im going crazy, and left wondering how I can make her see her own issues.  With learning, Ive realised that she is not able to see things as I do, such is the nature of this mental health disorder. Ive learned that I can only change my behaviour towards her.  Most of this is focussed on considering what I will and wont accept, and trying to de-escalate wherever possible... .I must admit a work in progress.

Hopefully as you learn about BPD, you will come to realise that they experience so much shame in their behaviour and its easier for them to  put the blame elsewhere as their pain is too great. 

Changing patterns is difficult for me,  she would cut me off and the only way back in was to admit the sins were mine and beg forgiveness.  This is not healthy and just perpetuated her behaviour. Im working very hard to change this, even if I am cut off for some time. Her abuse toward me has escalated in response to my change. BPD children take a long time to calm down, but I ok with where Im at.

I can hear some resolve in your post, hang in there.
Hugs
Merlot

[Blueskyday]

Bless you,
I just spoke to an alcohol advice line. The woman quite rightly told me that all of my feelings were valid but not the most important issue.

I need to focus on protecting the child. she urged me to call Social Services bit that would only see me expelled from the situation entirely. She needs to reign in the drinking. I have heard her much drunker than she was. The child is at risk.

I am going to respond and tell her that she has a problem and needs to face it and we will have to agree to differ. I need to make sure the child is safe.


If things get so bad then I will have no choice but to call Social Services. Had I fallen asleep Sunday then she could have drowned her child... .

[Blueskyday]

Tried to get support in my local area, ohh dear. The woman cautioned me that they need to inform the authorities if I say anything that concerns them. So I declined their offer of an assessment and refused to give my surname.
If I felt the need to call and all other avenues had been tried then I would have no choice but to call . However my experience of Social Workers in my town ( word of mouth) is that more harm is done than good. I know there are families of violent drug addicts whose children are left at risk. Its all a nonsense. I told the lady i would find an Alanon. Her response was that Alanon are religeous?

I am going to have to deal with this alone for fear they jump the gun and send someone to her home. My God, I cant imagine what that would look like

[Feeling Better]

Hi Blueskyday

I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through, my heart goes out to you, it must be truly heartbreaking to witness what your grandchild is going through and feeling totally helpless.

I completely understand how you feel regarding the social workers, I hope with all my heart that it doesn't come to that, but you wisely recognise that the safety of the child is most important.

How are things at the moment with your daughter? 

[Blueskyday]

Hi feelingbetter, thanks so much for responding.
Being able to connect here has meant so much to me.

I could not actually bring myself to respond to the message my DD sent. She knows I have read it. Nothing I say will be right. I feel as if I have been beaten up again and can't speak to anyone. I cant go to the store. I am in so much pain.

When she left I realised my breathing was odd. Felt like I suddenly had issues in my lungs. I realise that this is just a manifestation of the severity of the stress. My pelvic pain had intensified.

My body is telling me I am done with this. I keep remembering the times when this problem ruined other occasions. My 50th by becoming aggressive when I begged her to stop drinking. Us alone in Soho London and she attacked me verbally to get to another drink. Me walking into the Lupus unit to see if I had kidney damage fielding off texts telling me what a terrible Mother I am. On and on it goes.


I tried to contain this to the behaviour of Sunday but her lack of responsibility leaves me remembering the countless times I have been left sick from the stress of this domestic terrorism.

I have been in constant severe pain ( like labour) since Nov. I have a lump on my breast that could be a cyst or could be cancer ( calcifications found on Mammo 2 yrs ago, adopted watch and wait )
The lump is huge... .I have seen so many Drs about the pelvic pain I can't bring myself to bring it up. i am sure they think I am nuts as they cant figure out what's really going on. Initially they thought it was cancer in the womb.

She knows all of this. I am truly alone when I am around her. Sure she is company but up to a point but then I have to pay by picking up the slack, cope with her moods, her constant drama. She has tried I can see that but I did kid myself... I wanted things to be better so i let too much slide. I do think and feel that there is a genuine risk that my Darling Grandbaby will be turned against me if I am not very very careful from now on.

Thank God I don't need to worry about facing people for at least another 3+ weeks. If work sack me I don't really care. I am fortunate enough to have come to realise that I have to take care of me. I will deal with work when i have to

Heartbroken... .I think this was the final straw. I will start to miss the child any minute now. Probably will ask to be able to pick her up and take her out on a weekend for the day. Still do not know how all of this has affected her

[Panda39]

I could not actually bring myself to respond to the message my DD sent. She knows I have read it. Nothing I say will be right. I feel as if I have been beaten up again and can't speak to anyone.

Hi Blueskyday,

It's okay not to respond you don't have to.  Let the message and responding go.   Sometimes it's even better to not respond, sometimes responding just continues the drama and round and round we go.

My ex was an alcoholic and I really like the idea of Alanon for you.  I never went (wish I had) but I understand they are an excellent group regarding our co-dependence and can be very helpful.  This is also another way to have contact with others... .moving away from the isolation you find yourself in.

I agree about the well-fare of your grandchild is important but at the same time so is your own.  I'm sorry to hear that there isn't much confidence in Social Services but I would keep them in your back pocket in case things escalate with your daughter.  You have trouble negotiating your daughter imagine how hard it is for a 6 year old.  

I will also say that sometimes having a crisis and involving outside professionals can be beneficial.  It shines a light on the problem, and can help get the right people involved to make the situation better, I know it's scary, it's unknown, but not necessarily bad.

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share 2 children.  At 13 their younger daughter talked about suicidal thoughts at school.  The school is required to report this.  :)13 was in therapy but with a therapist that couldn't manage boundaries with her mother (mom actually hijacked her daughter's therapy session) so that therapist was ineffective (mom had Mental Helth decision making).  

D13 was put in an inpatient psych facility for 2 weeks and it was hard and it was just what she needed.  She had limited contact with her mother (which she really needed), she received effective therapy, she received medication that was helpful, ended up with a new therapist and was diagnosed with PTSD.  This crisis got her the help and support she needed.

I cant go to the store. I am in so much pain.
When she left I realised my breathing was odd. Felt like I suddenly had issues in my lungs. I realise that this is just a manifestation of the severity of the stress. My pelvic pain had intensified.

My body is telling me I am done with this. I keep remembering the times when this problem ruined other occasions. My 50th by becoming aggressive when I begged her to stop drinking. Us alone in Soho London and she attacked me verbally to get to another drink. Me walking into the Lupus unit to see if I had kidney damage fielding off texts telling me what a terrible Mother I am. On and on it goes.

I have been in constant severe pain ( like labour) since Nov. I have a lump on my breast that could be a cyst or could be cancer ( calcifications found on Mammo 2 yrs ago, adopted watch and wait )
The lump is huge... .I have seen so many Drs about the pelvic pain I can't bring myself to bring it up. i am sure they think I am nuts as they cant figure out what's really going on. Initially they thought it was cancer in the womb.

Besides keeping an eye on your grandchild, you need to take care of you.  I'm concerned about the lump, it's important that you get in to the doctor and have that checked, set up an appointment today!  Says the bossy Panda   Seriously go get this checked.  You won't be able to help anyone until you help yourself.

Are you able to get yourself a therapist?  You might consider it.  Having someone one in the real world to support you, you have a lot going on and the extra support could be helpful.

Take Care,  
Panda39

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi blueskyday

Panda39 has given some wonderful guidance and insight and echo all of the sentiment and advice, and I encourage you to get yourself checked.  I also worry about my GD, but I can't be in a position to help her if I haven't thought about how to look after me first.

If anything were to happen to you, then all would be lost.  The awareness of the situation with your daughter and GD gives you the imputes to find a better way.

When she is calm, are you able to engage her down in a conversation about some strategies that you can both work towards; make it about all of you and not just her.  if things escalate, then remain calm, validate, de-escalate and come back to the conversation when she is calm again.  Her own buy in to these issues and outcomes is of significance.

Hang in there 

Merlot

 

[bluek9]

   Hi Blueskyday,

    I've been reading all your posts,   oh my you have a giant plate full of everything. I hope you have been taking in everyone's support of you  . So often we find with BPD that our loved one also suffers from other issues. Your daughter drinks, mine did meth and self injury.
   I too agree with what others have posted, you need to take care of you first! Stop replying to her, take some much needed time here in this place; look over the lessons -------->> > let some of all this new information sink into your being for a little while. It really is overwhelming. Once you realize that there nothing you can do to stop her behaviors, then you can work on what works... .communication skills. Those skills are used by you, towards her and they work pretty good. The S.E.T. model is great, you can find that at the right edge with the lessons. It's so hard for us as parents to finally say what I'm doing is not working. When we can come to this realization then we can change; use a new approach. Unfortunately dealing with a BPD means that we are the one's who have to do all the changing  .
   I can read in all you posts that you love both of them and are concerned for your granddaughter. I'm happy to hear that she is 6, old enough to fully know her grandmother loves her. Old enough to understand that even though her mommy has problems, you are there for her. I am raising my grandson, he is 6, plenty old enough to be fully aware of his mothers actions. We all live together, I have guardianship of him and daily have to find ways to help him deal with his own mom.
     for you blueskyday there is hope! There is support, understanding and plenty of encouragement here for you. Trust me, all the parents here have been on the roller coaster of emotions, so we get it. Keep coming here, posting, it will help.

[Blueskyday]

I am so glad i came online. I definitely don't feel so alone as I did.

Panda, you sound adorbs! How traumatizing to be 13, never mind suicidal. The child is fortunate not to be alone with the Mom.

Ahh the lump " rolls eyes". I am treating myself for a cyst a they  told me I had a cyst as well as calcifications at this impromptu mammo... .I had opted out but had some odd symptoms I just happened to mention to my doctor. I lost my partner to cancer and saw the Chemo journey. I believe in everyone doing what they believe in but I simply don't believe. Having said that I am not averse to getting a diagnosis if the issue doesn't go away and take it from there. I know that stress, illness and hormones can all cause stuff to happen. Its painful which I believe is a good sign bit the "fear, what if" is still there.

I think you are all correct. Responding will keep the drama going. Of course not responding will leave me  open to accusations of drama causing, abandonment of her, them etc. I am in a no win.

Very concerned at how my Grandbaby feels about me. I am going to have to trust that she gets it. when her Mum was in the pool she was doing a twisty finger and mouthing she's drunk to me so perhaps i an overly concerned. I just didn't ever want her to be in the middle of this unpleasantness...

I dont know if DD will be able to have a conversation about this. She did a similar thing with her friends but a day or 2 later accepted she had been wrong. She turns mean more often than not when she's drunk. I am a different matter i think. She won't apologise to me.

I've been thinking about the times I have babysat. The last 3 or so X she has made some excuse for being very drunk very quickly and something bad happening. She was with friends. Almost every time she goes out drinking or drinks with the child incidents happen. I have no idea how she can try to project that on to me. Sunday i said what i believed, sadly in anger but it made me realise how silent I was about how I feel and my needs. Child cares about me but disrespected me 1 x . I calmly asked if it was because she saw her Mum talk to me that way. she said yes ... .God love her, all i had to say was don't do it and she never did again.

DD has a binge drinking problem but I need to withdraw and redraw some boundaries before i go back in
 

[Blueskyday]

I've been reading and responding to posts. I have felt so much better this evening so have decided to ask if I can pick Grandbaby up Saturday.

Most of my distress has been the horror of her witnessing Sundays nonsense. I need to spend some time with her and make sure she is O.K.

I re read DD's response to me and I can not allow us to gloss over this as she is instructing. I may as well just agree that I am in the wrong for protecting a defenceless 6yr old from her drunken Mother. Not going to happen.

I need to remember that this is also the truth of our relationship. DD has tried but the slips and lack of personal responsibility are not equal to her efforts. I deserve better. My Grandbaby deserves better

[Feeling Better]

Hi Blueskyday,

I’m really glad that you feel that connecting here is helping you, that’s great news.

I have to say though that I agree with the others that you need to take care of yourself, your little grandbaby needs you in her life and you can’t look out for her if you don’t look out for yourself first. It’s good to hear that you are dealing with the lump, but what about your pelvic pain, you said that you can’t bring yourself to bring it up, and I understand perfectly where you are coming from, but you must bring it up.

I've been reading and responding to posts. I have felt so much better this evening so have decided to ask if I can pick Grandbaby up Saturday.

Most of my distress has been the horror of her witnessing Sundays nonsense. I need to spend some time with her and make sure she is O.K.

I re read DD's response to me and I can not allow us to gloss over this as she is instructing. I may as well just agree that I am in the wrong for protecting a defenceless 6yr old from her drunken Mother. Not going to happen.

I need to remember that this is also the truth of our relationship. DD has tried but the slips and lack of personal responsibility are not equal to her efforts. I deserve better. My Grandbaby deserves better

I’m really pleased that you have been feeling much better since reading and responding to posts, it really does help.

I hope all goes well when you ask to pick up your grandbaby on Saturday, it will help to put your mind at rest that she is ok.

“I deserve better. My Grandbaby deserves better” How true Blueskyday. Keep reminding yourself of this, it’s a great mantra to have x 

[Blueskyday]

Thank you
The pelvic pain led them to think I had cancer. This has been going since Nov... .

Omg! every year for 3 yrs someone tells me they suspect I have some type of cancer... I had to bring this pain up as I can't sit on a chair or walk for very long. I was having constant high intensity labour pains My pain has gone from 10/10 -3/10 when not walking or sitting so that's good. I literally can't work but i kept going in with a cane ignoring my needs.

 I am waiting for Physio as they now "suspect" a sprained spine but that doesn't address the other symptoms I had. I don't think I can bring up the breast lump but I am monitoring and using iodine to see if the mass goes down. Of course if it doesn't I will have no choice.

DD said that I can see the Grandbaby then said that I hadn't responded to her message and don't I want to do that then?

Hell no!
I don't want to take the blame for her nonsense and bad behaviour. I just said I am not able to respond until she acknowledges what really happened Sunday and that I am too unwell to go back and forth on this.

The weirdest thing is i felt on Sunday that i had lost something. What I can see now is that I had a false impression of what our relationship was. I was so grateful for crumbs of affection I let her treat me less well than I deserve.

I want to change me now so I can get better. I can't get better if I let someone use and abuse me and suck all the life out of me.

I couldn't have gotten here without you all.

[Feeling Better]

The weirdest thing is i felt on Sunday that i had lost something. What I can see now is that I had a false impression of what our relationship was. I was so grateful for crumbs of affection I let her treat me less well than I deserve.

I want to change me now so I can get better. I can't get better if I let someone use and abuse me and suck all the life out of me.

I couldn't have gotten here without you all.

I used to be like that with my son, I let him walk all over me because I was so scared of losing him, I virtually sacrificed myself to have a relationship with him and it didn't work anyway, so I have had to work really hard to get to where I am now. I'm still work in progress. You will learn also by coming here.

I am so glad to hear that you pain has dropped from 10/10 to 3/10 x 

[Blueskyday]

Thanks feeling better, isn't it amazing that we love our children so much yet here we are.  Its been a tough 7 months for me. Tough few yrs... .My body has been screaming at me for a while. My mind was doing a bit of screaming too. Im finally listening!

I always have this feeling that I have weight on my shoulders, literally like a person is stood on me. I think its the constant demands of my DD. Even when I like to think things are o.k there are endless mini dramas and she needs rescuing.

I've been taking a good long hard look at myself since Sunday. I can see where I am responsible too. Point being that heavy feeling lifted at some point this week. I need to make changes.

Grandbaby called me to tell me all about her day at school where she studied the 70s... She dressed up in 70s hippy gear. There was no awkwardness between us which is a great relief. DD chipped in and that was ok, bit strained. She must know she was badly behaved as there was a humility in her voice. Not enough to apologise tho.

So I will go collect the child and take her home after our day out. DD said I can bring her home. To be honest I want more quality time than just more time. Plus I don't want to be going back to DDs Sunday.

Poor kid, I never want her to witness this again so need to devise and put some firm boundaries in place.

I have 3 weeks until I have to return to work. I must exercise to strengthen my core. I am going to do a 3 week veg juice fast and restart Tai chi.

Its time to stop living vicariously through them and sort my shizzle. I can honestly say the warmth and support here has made all the difference. I have been so alone for so long. People like me but I isolate as I am always so exhausted. I felt so broken last week, totally hit bottom. I am going to Alanon and I am going to get fit and I am going to try to make friends

[Feeling Better]

Oh Blueskyday I am so pleased to read your current post, I can feel the change in you, you are so positive. What a relief for you that your Grandbaby has contacted you, she loves you and needs you, I hope you have a fantastic day with her Saturday.

Boundaries are definitely a good idea, don’t forget, they are put in place to protect you.

It’s also great that you recognise your need to strengthen your core, please do it wisely, three weeks veg juice fast seems really daunting to me, have you done this type of thing before? Tai chi is great, I do tai chi and I love it, what a good decision on your part to get back into it.

I’m glad you’re going to sort your shizzle, I’ve never heard that phrase before but it sounds good. Very positive. You have some good goals to work towards too, they are very achievable. Keep believing in yourself and you will definitely get there x 

[Blueskyday]

Hey Feeling better, Tai chi is wonderful. I can't remember why i stopped. Do you do it regularly?
I juice off and on. I (unoficially) study health, food as medicine/ Naturopathic medicine almost all of my free time. I also study Alopathic , drugs and the like. If I had funds I would go to University and study cellular biology

Ohh my goodness, wrote all about our day and the site malfunctunctioned. I lost the text.

It was a good day

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Blueskyday]

Will try again to post.

So, I went in and had a cup of tea yesterday. DD was victimised behind the eyes and uncharacteristically attentive and was being overly generous.

Me and the Gbaby had a lot of giggles. We saw a movie and went to the beach. She made me walk to help my back pain.

She dragged me to a posh restaurant she fancied the look of for fries . She found that hysterical.
She gave 3 separate buskers change from her pocket money. Such a good kid.

 Neither of us mentioned last Sunday which seemed right.

Shes nearly 7 kept hiding from my sight in a busy seaside city so I cautioned her as I usually do.Then ran right up to a bus on a grassy bank. When I cautioned her she said i was shouting and lowered her gaze. She has seen me at my worst so I guess after almost 7 yrs it was a shock seeing another side to me. Of course I didn't raise my voice but guess she is confused.

 I have had my "Aha" moment! I have taken a lot of stuff over the years from DD but the child was too little to see. I love this kid so much, more than I could ever have imagined. I cant let DD come between us.

A couple of months back she wept so badly for me that I had to get in the car and drive over. I was exhausted and sick but DD had said she couldn't calm her. Transpired that she had half expected me to drop in at dance as I occasionally did . I had been up since 6 and found a flat when I got to my car.Interestingly dance is when DD drinks in the pub waiting for the classes to finish.She said she " I just need to see you now Grandma, please come now." This kid has never cried for her Mother. Part of me expected trouble but was relieved when DD didn't react.

She lost her bus pass so I called her mum who made a big deal about it. Gbaby said you don't know how she is grandma, she will be angry for ages about this. I knew if I called her anger would subside by the time we returned.

But in the posh restaurant I asked her if she would like some Champaign kidding around . "I am not going to drink Grandma, even when I grow up. I want to be just like you"

So she made me promise we would do it again next Sat. DD will not back down. I am ok with that.

21 day juice fast starts today. i need to focus on the positives

[Feeling Better]

Hey Feeling better, Tai chi is wonderful. I can't remember why i stopped. Do you do it regularly?
I juice off and on. I (unoficially) study health, food as medicine/ Naturopathic medicine almost all of my free time. I also study Alopathic , drugs and the like. If I had funds I would go to University and study cellular biology

Ohh my goodness, wrote all about our day and the site malfunctunctioned. I lost the text.

It was a good day

I go to a weekly tai chi and qigong for health class and if I think about it I occasionally do it at home too. I’m planning on upping my classes to twice weekly, I need to do it. I feel great after a class so it makes sense to do it more often. Will you go to a class or would you just do it at home?

Wow Blueskyday, you’ve got some interesting stuff going on there with your studies, that’s really amazing. Have you looked into what funding might be available to you as a mature student, or have you ever considered the Open University? (Assuming the course you want is available)

I’m so pleased for you that you had a great day out with your Grandbaby, she sounds like a really nice and loving kid, also very wise, make the most of your time with her, they grow up so quick.

21 day juice fast starts today. i need to focus on the positives

Great thinking Blueskyday, keep focused on everything positive and good luck with the fasting x 

[Blueskyday]

Hey feeling better

We used to do it in a class. I am going to try to track down my old teacher. She trained under a lady called Gerda Geddes who learned in China before or just after WW2 ( i think.) I have a VCR she made but no way to view it.

 She ( mine ) is an incredible teacher. plus it will get me mixing with ppl again. That and the  Alanon which I shall try to attend soon. I will try to do a bit this week through youtube as I can hardly remember the form.

Day 1 of the fast complete. Only 20 more to go. its not so hard as i am alone and have no other food in the house.

 No communication from my dtr. I am not obsessing and fretting as I usually would. I am so changed its incredible. All in a week. I had to check the dates I am working with as it seems like 2 or more weeks have passes since "Poolgate".

I can't imagine how I could get to study officially. I did have a notion of writing a book. I have studied since 2000 when I became very ill. At one stage I had a 10 minute window of energy a day. I was 80% disabled. Tai chi was the main reason I recovered as well as I did, along with juicing. I told my G.P it was lupus. He said it was't a disease process making me ill.I was very fortunate in that he let me go to the Lupus Unit and they confirmed my diagnosis

I watched a movie tonight called HOPE about Veganism. It made a lot of sense to me. I must admit I've had moments where I looked at the dog's joys and sadness and wondered. I am essentially vegan at the moment so think it might stick.

I am in a good place tonight. This is made all the weirder by the fact I probably have no wage this month. My job is most definately at risk.

For some odd reason I am not concerned. Things have a way of sorting themselves out. This too shall pass

[Merlot]

Hi blueskyday

Im glad to hear that coming here and sharing your thoughts/feelings is helping. I can see lots of positive energy in you and you have gained some perspective.

Its great to see that your daughter has responded without major incident to small changes.

Your GD us going through so much but what a wonderful thing she has you and can express herself so well.

I think youre  right... .things do have a way if sorting themselves out, especially when you are putting strategies in place and moving slowly forward.

Take care

[Blueskyday]

Merlot thanks

I am a bit concerned about the child. She called me yesterday from the bus. She misses me so much. She would normally ask me to go over but she didn't. I am wondering what the heck was said to her.

She was trying to find and internet game to meet me on as she wanted to play with me. She said she misses playing with me. Bless her, she's right in the middle of this nonsense. Were doing the cinema and the Aquarium on Saturday and she's adding stuff to the list . I got advice on what to do when I finish my juice fast, awwe. I am advised to eat 2 meals but juice daily when i finish... .Out of the mouth of babes. She knows I am doing this for health reasons.

She asked me on the bus last Sat how old my Mother was when she died. She was 54. So her little mind is working overtime. I think she feels a bit vulnerable.

Dtr was chipping in in the background telling me how unwell she is. I am not engaging in this.

Day 2 of juice fast done. No solid food at all.Quite fatigued yesterday. Lump in my boob is huge eek! If its not gone by 21 days then I will flag it. Its painful but my hormones are all over the place.I'm 3lbs down and a bit hungry. One day at a time.

[Merlot]

Hi blueskyday

It's so obvious your granddaughter has a strong mind on little shoulders. It's also clear your daughter is still vying for your time and energy, and I'm glad that she is still allowing you contact with your granddaughter - a very strong bond that would be very difficult to sever.  Your mum died so young, that's very sad... .you must miss her so 

Well done  on the juicing, that can only be good for you and losing a few pounds never goes astray as we hit middle age.  It really sounds like you have a plan in place about your lump.

I hope you have a lovely day with your granddaughter on the weekend    Take care and come and chat anytime.

Merlot

[Blueskyday]

Ohh my it never rains but it pours.

Thought I was holding it together. Ive lost 5lbs in 3 days and am not overweight. Its a massive amount. I gave myself a pep talk about the lump. Its been very painful. I'm trying to wait and see and not panic. My stress level is so high tho. I have no wage this month due to being off work. Work will no doubt try to get rid of me. I can't see any point in becoming hysterical tho. Still it all simmers underneath the surface.

I certainly don't need this extra pressure from my dtr. Its made me see why i am so sad and felt heavy all the time. She really can't see the big picture.

So, the grandbaby asked me to go get the dog and give her a break. Dog barks and misbehaves there. It was me who got the dog initially so I don't mind and rather like the company. The dog loves me.

I went to collect the pooch from my dtrs house and the brake light ABS comes on.I have no money to fix it. When I do go back to work if I have no car it will be a nightmare.

I've been in constant pain and physically disabled since November. My funds just ran dry. Can't remember when I have felt so alone in the world. I bail my dtr out constantly. When I need help there's no one there.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Blueskyday

I was going to pop by your thread today to ask you how you are doing, and here you are, already posted today!

First I have to say you are not alone, it was sad to read “When I need help there’s no one there”, I am so sorry that you are feeling that way today and I understand exactly what you mean, all I can say is “We are here”. I know we can’t help with your financial or health issues but we can help by “listening” and offering our support 

Oh Blueskyday, to lose 5lb in 3 days is too much, is it possible that you can tailor your juice fast so that you don’t lose so much weight? I hope you don’t mind me saying, I think you should listen to your little Grandbaby, she gave you some good advice, she loves you.

How’s it going with the tai chi, have you managed to find your old teacher or maybe follow something on you tube? I’ve got my class this evening and I am so grateful for it.

Sending you lots of hugs, you deserve them         

[Blueskyday]

Ohh feeling better, I do so very much appreciate you all on here. I could not have coped as well as I have without this board and amazing ppl. How ironic that we all seem to be loving supportive people. My Mother always told me don't treat a man too well, dont give 100% or he won't reciprocate . I think if she had said your children I may not be here.

I totally understand the rapid weight loss is concerning. I am 5.6 and 140lbs. I did gain 14bs due to meds so have always been slender. I am not at all offended. My wii fit said it was too rapid.

The juicing is literally a fast. The idea is to cleanse some of the meds out and give the body what it needs to heal. I am not moving all that much so its all a bit odd. I would normally just add a meal. I figure tho when am I ever going to get another 21 days to give my body a rest from digesting food. I don't feel as unwell.

Ive not done the Tai chi as its a bit fatiging. still. To be honest I felt so overwhelmingly sad this afternoon I took a pill and went to sleep. I will pick up again Im sure.

6 messages from my dtr at almost midnight. Grandbaby is ill. She tried calling, not because the child is ill but she needs a babysitter. The cheek of it saddens me. She cant take time off of work apparently and wants to bring her in a cab at 7.30am. If my car didnt have break issues ahe would ask me to go there for sure.

I wont say no because my gbaby needs me and I miss her. She will appreciate it even if her Mother doesn't.

I'm glad you have your Thai chi class . Its so grounding isn't it.