It just ended a few days ago but I feel like my story is different from yours.

[whendoesitend]

I don’t know if I have slight BPD, or Bipolar, or some weird transient anger/negativity syndrome, but, despite my ex having BPD, I feel like this time (along with many other times) I became the cause of the breakup.

I am usually friendly, but when she finds something to pick at, degrade, fight over, etc. I end up being insulting, rarely sometimes even threatening. This last time was particularly horrid. I berated her again and again, sure that I no longer needed her, sure that she deserved it for nitpicking a fight and fear of abandonment out of nowhere, I laughed in her face as she was packing her things and they were falling everywhere (probably at least the 10th time she has left in 3 years, 200th time she has at least threatened to).

All in all, I think it’s fair to say that despite my ex-pwBPD having horrible traits, I was the worse one in this relationship. I have no idea what disorder I have, but I know I was treated better than her other partners. Due to this it is difficult to completely let go of her. I do want to become a better person, but I also still feel like I need her, and this time I traumatized her with some of the worst insults and threats imaginable.

Her other partners she’s cheated on multiple times and lied to them about it, insulted and berated them despite their kindness, while I have taken such advantage with even fewer of these consequences (she tends to bring up some mediocre stuff and I tend to become eventually annoyed and angry to the point where I become insulting).

Not sure what I should do or how I should see it. We lived together for more than 3 years and now for the first time she is in genuine pain and suffering at what I’ve done. What kindness she has show to beg me to forgive myself, to beg me to be ok with myself, but to let her go. She’s back in a motel again, for the umpteenth time. Struggling with no one to help. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[spero]

Hi there wheredoesitend, 

I'd like to welcome you to the boards, it sounds like you have a tough situation and that your relationship has seen some very tough situations and arguments, and unfortunately that has caused your relationship to fall apart.

May I also ask if the person you were with had an official diagnosis of BPD? I would say that it is actually normal for a person to feel and insulted should any one degrade and nitpick, i suppose anyone would be hurt, and as a result of being hurt, would then become angry and 'retaliate or react'.

Whendoesitend, you do seem to have an awareness of your anger, and the need to 'punish her' for how she has treated you. That being said, there seems to be this thing about perhaps getting yourself in circular fights? I am not sure who picks the fight first, but it does seem that she would pick on an issue which then escalates into a character assisnation session, which you'd then react in anger and make her 'pay' for what she has done. 

With regard to wondering if you'd have slight BPD or Bipolar, my suggestion would be to just visit a clinical psychologist or therapist and get yourself assessed professionally, that would be the quickest and most definite mode. I suppose from what you have shared, you do seem to have anger issues which in intense situations, have a certain propensity to become vindictive. Then again, whendoesitend. Those are just my thoughts and it is still better to seek professional help, especially if you would want to become a better person and you'd want to heal.

Just my thoughts,

Takecare,
Spero 

[whendoesitend]

Hi there wheredoesitend, 

I'd like to welcome you to the boards, it sounds like you have a tough situation and that your relationship has seen some very tough situations and arguments, and unfortunately that has caused your relationship to fall apart.

May I also ask if the person you were with had an official diagnosis of BPD? I would say that it is actually normal for a person to feel and insulted should any one degrade and nitpick, i suppose anyone would be hurt, and as a result of being hurt, would then become angry and 'retaliate or react'.

Whendoesitend, you do seem to have an awareness of your anger, and the need to 'punish her' for how she has treated you. That being said, there seems to be this thing about perhaps getting yourself in circular fights? I am not sure who picks the fight first, but it does seem that she would pick on an issue which then escalates into a character assisnation session, which you'd then react in anger and make her 'pay' for what she has done. 

With regard to wondering if you'd have slight BPD or Bipolar, my suggestion would be to just visit a clinical psychologist or therapist and get yourself assessed professionally, that would be the quickest and most definite mode. I suppose from what you have shared, you do seem to have anger issues which in intense situations, have a certain propensity to become vindictive. Then again, whendoesitend. Those are just my thoughts and it is still better to seek professional help, especially if you would want to become a better person and you'd want to heal.

Just my thoughts,

Takecare,
Spero 

I’m not exactly sure what constitutes “official diagnosis” but perhaps if 2 different therapists tell her she does or might have the disorder then that’s ‘official’?

My impulsive anger is during the conflict only for the most part, and now I feel a sense of longing and loneliness that I pushed her away. This time I really thought I could push her away and be fine since we don’t do much together anyway; perhaps that’s why I acted so cruelly?

Do you think I have a slight to moderate form of BPD. At least an attachment disorder? I just need and want to fix myself.

[spero]

Hey there whendoesitend,

I suppose while two therapists have told her that she might have BPD, it actually is a condition that can't be diagnosed by sitting in one session of therapy. There are actually tools and instruments to ascertain after making a "possibility". From what you've mentioned, she may well display traits of cluster-B personality disorder. However, to be very certain, she might still need to be administer a test using an instrument via a therapist or clinical psychologist.

Regarding your own situation, i'm usually slow to suggest or even make possibilities about having a mental illness condition. From the little that you've shared, you may perhaps want to start working through your anger and find out where that leads you to? Perhaps you may find something or a memory from your childhood relating to how your anger presents itself in your present set of circumstances.

It might also perhaps be that, while there might have been pre-existing anger issues, spending 3 years with a person who'd possibly have a personality disorder, we've also developed our own maladaptive behaviours as a result of prolonged exposure. Such relationships can be emotionally draining, and at the other end of the spectrum, people have developed ptsd or general anxiety as a result of being in such relationships.

Hope this helps,
Spero

[whendoesitend]

Hey there whendoesitend,

I suppose while two therapists have told her that she might have BPD, it actually is a condition that can't be diagnosed by sitting in one session of therapy. There are actually tools and instruments to ascertain after making a "possibility". From what you've mentioned, she may well display traits of cluster-B personality disorder. However, to be very certain, she might still need to be administer a test using an instrument via a therapist or clinical psychologist.

Hope this helps,
Spero

I see. So it’s not an official diagnosis then, but it might be more likely than not? Rapidly changing sense of self, impulsivity, RAPIDLY changing interests and grandiose ideas, always finding the negative while accusing others of the same, not being able to say sorry without someone apologizing first, and on and on.

Though, she doesn’t seem to paint people entirely black, she can sometimes forgive and forget relatively easier than some here are indicating for their pwBPD when one is apologizing, she didn’t try to take advantage of me financially despite me having money and not spending time with her at all, etc.

So I’m not entirely sure.

[once removed]

its important that we own our stuff whendoesitend. its going to really help in the long run, regardless of how this turns out.

if it helps, youre in good company. i did some things im not proud of too.

what has transpired since? have either of you apologized? how long ago did this occur?

[Turkish]

Some therapists are hesitant to diagnose BPD. A therapist with the same HMO my ex has told me that it was their policy not to do so,  but if they thought so,  to refer the patient to DBT. Given that people with BPD (pwBPD) experience intense shame at their core selves,  and the high incidence of suicide of patients, it's understandable. 

I agree with once removed that it's important to own our own stuff. PwBPD often project as a coping mechanism,  however,  and it's often hard to determine our stuff from theirs and shared stuff between us.  My BPD mother sent me to therapy when I was 13. Over 30 years later she confessed to be that she had been in therapy for her PTSD when I was a child.  My uBPDx (officially diagnosed with Anxiety and depression) sent me to therapy when I was 42. My teen T cleared me (I only found this or over 30 years later when my mom told me,  which pissed me off).  So did my adult T, but he helped me work though a lot of things and center me. 

Being raised by a mother with BPD, I likely picked up a few unhealthy behaviors,  however.  We are who we are and it's beneficial to talk to a safe person to work though it.