I'm a man losing my self worth, confidence, and identity day by day.

[Caliban060]

i need help/ advice in a bad way. its been said before and ive read every story or post i can find that relates to me, but i could use a little personalized input. My girlfriend and i have been together for 5 years now, and have lived together for all but 3 months of that time. She is okay one second, then the next EVERYTHING is wrong and she goes into a rage over it. after ive tried to help/ask what is bothering her(what is EVERYTHING?) and she says"just everything, my home, my car, my job, i f****** hate my life, I should just blow my brains out, and nobody will even care!" (it kills me inside when she says things like this) i tell her that i Love her and that she is Loved by her family and even the others around her at work. that it would kill those close to her to have her commit suicide. but her response ever time is that i'm wrong... .she also has extreme insecurity issues and will weekly or more often worries herself into a RAGE thinking im talking with other women. (no not talking sexually or flirting, she claims she trust me not to do anything like that. ) but just having a conversation with a women somehow means "those ___es" will somehow talk there way into my life or pants. but yet she "trust me completely somehow." (makes no sense to me at all) (takes 2 to tango) she always says ill get bored of her and find someone better. if i say anything about the behavior it is just rationalized away with "oh i'm stressed out with everything". she says i don't give her enough attention/ affection, even though i tell her every day that i Love her, that she is special and beautiful. she denies my compliments most the time although she does say "i love you too"? one second everything is going well then she will ask"whats wrong?' i say "nothing? im just watching tv?" she says i'm standoffish... .well when i don't know what to say then i don't say anything rather then put my foot in my mouth by saying something "wrong" but she just pushes me until there is a problem. i try so hard to stay calm through all of this but eventually i loose it and start yelling back (i know it doesn't help) but if i try to leave the situation then i'm " not trying and walking away". i work during the summer as a mechanic for a river tubing company and she HATES it!ive done it last year and am going to again this year. (she thinks all i do is talk to bikini clad models all day!) i took this (2nd) job because i need the money bad. i work all day then i leave and come straight home to her or ill face her coming undone. even still she will text/call me at work freaking out in a rage because she is board at home and "cant sit here by herself anymore." if i even try to hang out with my twin brother or friends i'm either in trouble for wanting a boys night and (leaving her alone home) (once or twice a year). or she is mad when she goes with me because i don't keep her right at my side the whole time. "i Leave her alone in the corner" while i have a smoke or talk with friends i don't ever see... .am i in the wrong here? last night was a friends wedding, and we went. (i held her close the whole time never taking my hand off hers for more then a second or two) so no problem of "leaving her in the corner" but i didn't introduce her to the groom and his mother who i worked with briefly but don't know well. to her, i then was ignoring her and purposely not introducing her, she felt "invisible!" I DID introduce her to people i did know well. I CANT WIN HERE!if i try to talk about any one of these problems or ask her to see a counselor or seek any type of help, i get excuses on why she hasn't yet or cant do it right now because she is overwhelmed with "EVERYTHING right now". or she says she cant do it alone?

 she has made me a promise of getting help and... .NOTHING is changing and im having a hard time... .she says it " takes time" i get it, but it seems like another excuse.

thanks in advance for reading my sob story and replying

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dragon72]

Welcome to the forum Caliban060.

I bet that felt good getting that off your chest.  Sounds like your are enduring a really tough situation. It must be hell for you.

I think many here, myself included can relate very much to what you wrote. 
Reading what you wrote, and also comparing to my own situation, I think the secret is to find a way not to absorb any of the anger of the people we live with.

They think we can never do anything right and they don't trust us one bit. Am I right?
I'm sure we are just doing our best in life and we don't act maliciously. Am I right?

So the problem is with them and the way they react, not with the way we act.  We shouldn't make it our problem too. We need to find a way to allow them to deal with their anger on their own.
 
The more I respond to my wife's anger and criticisms of me, the more that anger gets validated. And it shouldn't be validated, in my opinion. 

I would like to get better at disconnecting from the rages, not taking any of it on, and allowing her deal with it in a lovingly detatched way. 

Easier said than done. 

Keep your chin up.  There are people here that will give you great advice.  You've come to a good place.

[Circle]

Hey Caliban,
Make sure you read the 'Lessons' >>  in the right margin.
Keep reading other's posts and replying.
Being on these boards is a journey, not a destination.
We all move between boards, leave, come back, help and get helped.

I am frustrated just reading your post.
She sounds like a person with BPD.
It also sounds like you are in the right place.
Welcome to hell!
Oh wait, no, you have been in hell.
This is your way out of hell.

People that stay in relationships with those who have BPD are often co-dependent.
We see the beauty and potential and love in those who are flawed.
We feel like we should help them.
We become attached or enmeshed and don't know how we could live without em.
We put our own needs last and live for them.
Even if we aren't aware we are doing this.

We are avoiding the pain of leaving someone like this.
When in actuality, we are living in more pain than if we left.
We don't know if others would want us.
When in actuality we are amazingly loving people who have so much to give.
Our love can not be fully appreciated by someone who struggles to stay sane.

Is someone else's sanity our responsibility, I ask myself.
Does putting my own sanity in jeopardy really help others, I ask myself.
Does it help my family that I can only see them now and then, I wonder.
Will my partners instability ultimately leave me alone and struggling to rebuild?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Caliban and let me join everyone in welcoming you.   I think Dragon72 and Circle do a beautiful job of articulating living with someone with BPD and how the resources on this site can help. This is not a sob story, but exactly the story you should be sharing. You are not alone!

I want to first zero in on your point about the counseling. When I first learned about my wife's BPD I also pushed her towards "getting help". Later on it even came to ultimatums laced with threats of having her arrested.

Let's put ourselves in our partners' shoes for a minute. You are suddenly told that you are sick and the way you have seen the world up to now is wrong and all of the problems in the relationship are up to you solve by getting help. Would you be able to accept that?  

What finally worked was admitting that we both had a problem and had to address it together. This made her much more comfortable. And it's true, I have my issues that need to be addressed as well. Now my wife is in the early stages of seeking help - she's seen the psychiatrist connected with our hospital's DBT program twice. In case you don't know DBT (Dialectical Behavior Treatment) along with a course of personal psychotherapy is the commonly prescribed treatment for BPD.  

Here's the main point - she promised you she would get help. Which means she has agreed to it to appease you, not to change herself. Going into treatment for anyone with a mental illness requires a tremendous amount of motivation and accountability. If it doesn't come from inside herself, it will burn out quickly.

This video was a big help in changing my mindset about how to approach her getting help.

But I completely understand your burn out. I was right there a few months ago. What do you think about the above?

~ROE