Surprise My 21 year old has been diagnosed with BPD. Now what?

[KT’s Ma]

After years of feeling like a monster as a mother, I learned today that my child has BPD. I sort of suspected as much but was never privy to her therapy. One of her therapists is recommending residential treatment. My daughter doesn’t want to go.

 I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. We live in a small town. I have few relatives. She’s off to the big city for college

My thoughts are all over the place. I need to focus. How can I help my 21 year old and how can I help her become part of the family again?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello KT's Ma

First of all let me welcome you 

I'm so sorry that you feel too embarrassed to talk about your daughters illness to anyone, it is a lot to shoulder on your own. You are in a safe place here with people who understand what you are going through and who do not judge. We can all help and support you.

The best way to help your daughter is to read and learn as much as you can about BPD and how to communicate. There are tools and lessons to the right 

Read as and when you can. Reading and participating in others threads can be hugely beneficial too.

Look forward to hearing more from you x 

[KT’s Ma]

This is to Feeling Better. Thank you for your reply. I’m feeling awkward because I don’t know how to reply to your reply. All of this is new. Somewhat overwhelming. But I’m encouraged because of your reply. I’m going to read other posts and try to figure out how this works. Again, thanks FB. X

[Blueskyday]

Hi,
I am sorry too . I can identify with Monster of a Mother... .Were just lost!

Its natural to slowly give them freedom and let them go into the world and practice all of the things we taught them to keep them safe. Its natural to want love and respect. She may never fit into the family consistently a you had hoped but you can help her. Boundaries are key IMHO. When things go horribly wrong I find very often I have let my boundaries slip.

Our children are so convincing that we are monsters that their friends ( often friends only for a short while) cross the street or look at us oddly.
Its hard to hear so often how bad you are and not think that there is a grain of truth.

You are totally justified in being overwhelmed. 18 yrs down the line I find myself overwhelmed again. Its a terrible situation. Things will calm down for a while in a little while. Keep reading  and it will only helpXx

[Feeling Better]

Hi again KT’s Ma

Hey, please don’t feel awkward, you did just fine, you definitely got the hang of replying to a post, so well done you 

I’m so glad that you have been encouraged by my reply, and you know, the more you post, the easier it gets and a lot less daunting. It took me a while to get into posting because I’d never done anything like this before but I’m so pleased that I stuck with it, it’s helped me enormously, and it will help you too.

I’m sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed right now, and I understand how you feel, it does get better x

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi KT's Ma,

I'm so sorry circumstances brought you here but I'm glad you found us. My daughter is also 21. I hope you will find comfort here and keep posting, it does help. You are not alone.

[Feeling Better]

This is the response from KT’s Ma, I have copied her reply here for her with her permission:

I don’t know how to find my own post so I can reply to the replies!  Thank you for the encouragement. My daughter is coming home for Father’s Day weekend and I’m terrified. I’m reading the books her therapist suggested I read.


She’s brilliant. She can respond to my point before I even make it. When I remind her of something she did or said, she denies it and accuses me of “gaslighting” her. There are times when I’ve doubted my memory.

The difference this time is that my husband, younger daughter and I have talked about her condition. We plan to support each other and give each other a sign if we start to lose control.

Again, thanks to all!

[hopeoffinding]

Dear KT's Ma,

The pain of being deemed a monster of a mother is one of the most powerful weapons my BPD daughter has used against me. I think largely because in so many ways I went above and beyond for her, accommodating her, tolerating her moods, lies, tantrums, and forgiving her over and over again. After one particularly painful round of listing all the ways I harmed her (which I would deem poor parenting moments, not abuse in any way), and my breaking down into tears and hoping she could forgive me, she commented "Now I don't want you to go on thinking you were a terrible mother", annoyed at my being upset. Like being struck with a hammer, then being ridiculed for saying "that really hurts!" Since I have so much natural empathy, and feel deeply for those who are in pain, it is hard for me to relate to the utter lack of empathy I see in her. Educating myself, as others have recommended, has been so very helpful in maintaining better boundaries, steeling myself for unwarranted attacks, and not allowing (as best I can) her perceptions of me to define me.