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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: His soulmate ex haunts me  (Read 657 times)
blooming
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« on: June 13, 2018, 03:34:03 AM »

My uBPDex has had 3 other girlfriends besides me (he's 24). Two of these exes he clearly doesn't care about anymore and he has painted totally black, but one of them is still very special to him. They were together for three years (on/off, he says they broke up 6 times, but it wouldn't surprise me if it's more than that, I have no clue) and she finally ended it which made him absolutely heartbroken and he was even in therapy for it he told me.

I once found a song he wrote about her when I had disappointed him in something, in which he wrote that he had made the wrong decision and that he was now living a soulmate parted life and things like "after 29 months I still know the way" and "should have gone right but turned to the left, alone in this car, quivering from heart theft" and "we said we would be happy if only we were seperate -  a clever smile, glistening eyes, dry my tears, don't be sad" and that they agreed to call eachother when they are 32. I can literally right this all down from the top of my head because I know the song by heart. It makes me sick every time. It makes me cry every time. He never cried when we broke up. We never decided to call eachother when we are 32. He never called me his soulmate.

She haunts me. I wake up with her and I go to bed with her. I have written her countless of letters (never sent any of them of course). Asking her how it's possible that he stayed for her so long, how it's possible that to her he did truly come back (and not just for a few weeks after which he decided that he didn't like me enough anyway). What's so perfect about her? What did she do differently? Why wasn't I good enough?

I look up pictures of her and compare them minutely to mine, looking at the details of her face in which she's more pretty than me.

I try to find out as much as possible about her, but she has hidden most of her social media accounts so that's pretty much impossible.

I know that there's a big chance that he cheated on her with one of his other exes. I spoke to that ex and she said that she slept with him on a fairly regular basis from summer 2014 to summer 2015 and he was with his 'soulmate ex' until february 2015. Although I of course do not know how steady their relationship was in that last half year. I do know that he told that ex he was sleeping with that he and 'soulmate ex' were only together for half a year and that he told her that he was going to Berlin with friends eventhough he was going with 'soulmate ex' (although I do know that he went to another part of Germany with friends that summer, so maybe she confused the two and he didn't lie about it). I also know that in the beginning of his relationship with 'soulmate ex' he dumped her because his girlfriend before her (the one he started sleeping with again in summer 2014) wanted him back anyway. But then she decided not to and he went back to 'soulmate ex'. I also know that he told me that 'soulmate ex' said that her hair was always thicker when they weren't together than when they were and that they once had such a big fight on the street that the police came to help and that he lost a lot of friends because they all took her side in the break-up. So it couldn't have all been perfect I guess.

But still. 3 years? And he didn't want it to end at all. Even though with me he was the one who ended it time and time again. And they are still in contact sometimes, so either she doesn't know about the cheating or it didn't happen and that ex I spoke to had it wrong. They are only facebook friends since summer 2016 though, so she must have deleted him before that and there must have been a period of no contact, because I read one of their conversations once in which she said something like "I'm glad we can finally talk normally to eachother again" which was in februari 2017.

I can't let her go. She's on my mind all the time. I feel like such a failure compared to her. He will never think of me that way. She knows his family so much better than I do, still speaks to them sometimes I think. She is so much better than me in all aspects and I hate myself for it.

I keep thinking if I should contact her or not, but it's probably not a good idea, especially since they're still in contact sometimes.

I also think a lot about whether I should bring this up with him or not. That maybe he can lift some of the burden of my shoulder by telling me that he did love me and that it's not that I was less than her but that the circumstances were just different or something.
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I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
Struggler123
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« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2018, 03:53:46 AM »

To be honest, you should in a way feel content that you did your best. A lot of times people stay in the relationship hoping the other person will get better or things will suddenly be like the way they first were. I feel like you are in the grieving process, I too feel like that at times but I never compare myself to an ex, simply because the more time you spend the harder it is too leave. I was with my ex for a year, and a year as a friend. If you count that, thats 2 years, was it longer than her ex’s maybe. But point is, time only makes things harder. You should not be comparing yourself to the others because it indicates that you were strong enough to walk away. Keep your head up and we’ll hear to listen to you. I promise you it does get better. Sometimes, the best thing to do is walk away.
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DogMan75
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« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2018, 04:06:55 AM »

In the end, does it really matter? It’s human nature to be competitive with romantic rivals, but in this case, at the end of the day, what is the difference?

He calls her his soulmate, but he still cheated on her. The relationship still failed. She’s still just an ex now. Her hair was thicker when they weren’t together because she wasn’t pulling it out in frustration.

I am my ex’s soulmate. We were together for five years. She still says she wants to marry me someday. But she’s with another man now. I love her, but it is unworkable. I wish I was soulmates with someone else.

You are still in the process of detaching. Use this as a tool to help yourself let go. Once you’re through it, in a year, maybe two, maybe even three, you will look back and be thankful that this man wasnt your soulmate.



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blooming
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« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2018, 04:31:35 AM »

To be honest, you should in a way feel content that you did your best. A lot of times people stay in the relationship hoping the other person will get better or things will suddenly be like the way they first were. I feel like you are in the grieving process, I too feel like that at times but I never compare myself to an ex, simply because the more time you spend the harder it is too leave. I was with my ex for a year, and a year as a friend. If you count that, thats 2 years, was it longer than her ex’s maybe. But point is, time only makes things harder. You should not be comparing yourself to the others because it indicates that you were strong enough to walk away. Keep your head up and we’ll hear to listen to you. I promise you it does get better. Sometimes, the best thing to do is walk away.

But I'm not sure I did my best. I could probably have done things better. You always can. And I stayed in the relationship as long as possible too. It was him who stopped it every single time, not me. I would have stayed until the end probably. So it was him who thought that I wasn't good enough, whereas in their relationship it was her who ended it and him who definitely didn't want it to end.

So I wasn't strong enough to walk away. He just didn't want me anymore.
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I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
blooming
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« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2018, 04:35:08 AM »

In the end, does it really matter? It’s human nature to be competitive with romantic rivals, but in this case, at the end of the day, what is the difference?

Well the difference is that I'm not good enough and I never will be and that she was. And that that's something I can't live with.

Excerpt
He calls her his soulmate, but he still cheated on her. The relationship still failed. She’s still just an ex now. Her hair was thicker when they weren’t together because she wasn’t pulling it out in frustration.

I'm not 100% sure he cheated on her though. I didn't hear it from him and I only briefly talked about it with the ex I spoke to, so I don't know the details of the timeline. That ex is sure it happend though.

To him she's not just an ex I think. He's still not over her. He says he never will be.

Excerpt
I am my ex’s soulmate. We were together for five years. She still says she wants to marry me someday. But she’s with another man now. I love her, but it is unworkable. I wish I was soulmates with someone else.

You are still in the process of detaching. Use this as a tool to help yourself let go. Once you’re through it, in a year, maybe two, maybe even three, you will look back and be thankful that this man wasnt your soulmate.

Well I'm that other man, the one filling up the space you left as a soulmate in her heart. It's the same position that I was in during my relationship with my ex. I was always in her shadow and never good enough and it messes you up so badly. I am a shadow of the person I used to be.
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I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
DogMan75
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« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2018, 08:19:23 AM »

No one is good enough here. You weren’t good enough. She wasn’t good enough. He’s not good enough. The whole disorder is about not good enough.

Whether he cheated or not doesn’t really matter at the end of the day. He destroyed a relationship with someone he describes as his soulmate. How he did it is a trivial. If it really is that important to you, though, if she says he did, and the timeline makes sense, he probably did. Chances are he’d never admit it -that would be too painful to him.

Everybody loses here. She has nothing more than you do.

As far as being a shadow, I feel you. If it’s any consolation, it’s every bit as painful on the side you’re envying right now. Once you start feeling better, and you will start feeling better eventually, you may emerge slightly less scarred.

After this is all said and done, once you’re truly ready. Force yourself to start dating again. Date like it’s your job. Meet a new guy a week. Eventually, the numbers game will pay off, and you’ll find a good man who you love, who thinks you’re his soulmate. You’ll look back on this and be glad you weren’t locked up with this one, or you’d have missed the one you’re really meant for.



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« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2018, 09:47:25 AM »

Excerpt
Well the difference is that I'm not good enough and I never will be and that she was. And that that's something I can't live with.

Oh, blooming!  I hear how painful this is for you!  Hugs.    And that you're seeking relief from legitimately painful rumination.  Alas, this isn't about his other ex.  It's about you.  You're going to have to move in another direction to find relief.

Talk to us!  What else is going on in your life right now?  I hear you've experienced a painful breakup and are feeling rejected.  Are there friends or family around you feel good around that you can talk with?  What other support is available to you?  Have you considered reaching out to a therapist?  It sounds like you're being very, very hard on yourself and could use something extra in the way of support.


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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2018, 03:10:18 AM »

Dear Blooming-
Your post has me in tears, and I need to tell you my past.  This is where I truly pray that no one I know is on these boards, a few of my friends know my story.  I have never put on paper how this relates to my lost love and  I am afraid to write this down.  But I hope this will help you.  We get better if we ALLOW ourselves to get better.  That my girl, is the choice we make.

1.  You will recover - the key is in your hands.  Use it to open the door.  Be "willing" everyday to do something to create your happiness.

Here it is... .My "soulmate" and I met on a blind date when we were barely 19.  I was in college and he was in the service.  We are both 60 now.  For the last 6 years, we have lived in the same state - now about 50 miles apart.

At any rate, when we met, we fell deeply in love.  Deeply in love.  We shared our life visions, our dreams for the future and saw each other every moment we could, considering we lived in different states, with me in college and him stationed a few states away.  We scraped pennies together to drive and see one another.  His family was fully on board.  My family, not so much... .thinking he was not going to be as educated as I, but he was so good and loving that even my family came around.

Then he was sent overseas for a year. I was still in school.  During the time he was away, we wrote letters daily, sent cassette tapes to one another to hear each other's voices, I wrote songs for him; and once a month, a ham radio operator connected us so we could speak.  Things were so different a million years ago.

He came home and our love was brilliant.  I will NEVER forget when we reunited at the airport... .After leave, he returned to base and I was back at school.  I am now shaking.

Then something happened... .I was tutoring someone, a large man (a friend, I thought), who suggested we go for a beer when we were done studying.  We left the bar and he drove beneath the football stadium, where he proceeded to violently rape me.  He was so much bigger than me.  I wanted to live.  And then I wanted to die.  I closed my eyes and prayed.  He drove out into the country with his hand around my throat.  He wanted to choke me.  And did.  And then he thought better of it.  Everyone knew where I went and who I was with that night.  So he took me back to my dorm.  He cried and then he stopped crying and said, "I will f**k you again if you breathe a word of this."  Aside from begging him to stop earlier, I never said another word.  I bled purple blood.  I can still see his hand marks on my neck.  I went into the showers and scrubbed my skin with my fingernails until it bled.  I left the dorm and checked into the motel at the student union.  The bleeding wouldn't stop, so I called a doctor 2 days later and he begged me to tell him what happened.  The doctor cried with me, knowing that this date rape would be blamed on me.

I saw my boyfriend a few more times, but I was a mess.  I started fights, I ran from him, I cried all the time, and then I broke up with him.  I could explain nothing.   I told him my feelings had changed.  I didn't want to get married anymore... .  I broke both our hearts that night.

I dropped out of school because the rapist terrorized me.  I lied to my parents and told them the school was too difficult.  I wouldn't talk to my boyfriend.  One day I was in the bathroom with the dry heaves and my dad came in there, thinking I was missing my boyfriend.  My dad said, "you don't have to feel like this, I'll send you to him".  I said, "no, daddy, we broke up".  I'll never forget the look of sadness on my dad's face... .he reflected me.

I remained in periodic touch with my BF's family.  I would go see them when I was in town.  Three years later, I called my ex-boyfriend's house to wish them a Merry Xmas.  His sister said - "guess who got married on Tuesday?"  And I said "Who"?  Right... .my soulmate... .  I must have cried for a month.  And no one except my best friend ever knew why.  This was 1982.

Before I finally got married, I dreamt of him every night, I guess because I never thought I'd marry anyone except for my "soulmate".  But that didn't happen.  I missed him every day of my life.  But I had chosen to live happy.

Then in 2004, on a Monday night I dreamt of him, and said to him, OK "F", either call me or leave me alone!  Two nights later I came home from the art studio, and on my machine was a message from "F".  I got dizzy.  I told my husband I left something in the studio and needed to go get it.  I went to the studio to calm down and spoke to my friend about my dream and this phone message.  I went back home, sat my husband down and told him about the dream and the phone message.  My husband knew my whole story, and pushed me to call back right then and there.  I said, nope, I'll call in the morning.  When I called, "F" explained that this many years later, he needed to know the real reason I broke up with him.  I explained what happened, and that I was afraid "F" would have murdered the rapist.  "F" said he would have indeed committed murder.  We spoke for four hours on the phone, and even though he was visiting a city just an hour+ south of me, I could not see him.  We agreed to do that at another time.  He was and is still married.  He found me through contacting my mom.  I was living across the country from him.

I'm sorry this is so long, Blooming.

My "soulmate" and I saw each other several times.   He traveled for work and I visited family and my home state.  We cried so intensely the first time we saw one another.  Through our conversations and wonderful meet-ups, we realized we are in fact NOT soulmates, not any longer.  But we share a deep love for one another.  He showed me a photograph of "my" wedding dinner China that his wife has been using since 1982 and I rolled over in laughter.  He bought it for me while stationed overseas (I had picked it out!).

He told his wife everything (finally), and he had a hurdle to climb, because he made the stupid YOUNG mistake of telling her he would never love her the way he loved me.  He told her I was his "soulmate".  This turned out NOT to be true.  It was NOT true.  His wife and I are now friends.  I have met his children.  A LOT of life has happened between then and now.  He and I have made one promise to each other.  We will always have each other's phone number.  We will not lose touch again.  And that's good enough for me.  That "knowing" gives me peace.  In the years since we reunited, I went through a painful divorce and both my "soulmate" and his wife have been support for me.

So you see, "soulmates" now, are not necessarily soulmates in 40 years.  Or 2 years.  So take heart, Blooming.  And NEVER, NEVER... .compare yourself to anyone else.  That is the one thing I did NOT do.  We punish ourselves enough, why add to it unnecessarily? 

There is likely a perfect love out here for you.  Lift your eyes and Let him find you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes






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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2018, 06:19:35 AM »

Gems, I want to thank you for sharing this deeply personal and heart wrenching story with us.  You are a true survivor.        

Blooming, not only can you survive this but you can go on to thrive and live a happy fulfilling life.  Pain is a necessary part of life.  Instead of running from it, run towards it.  Then come through the other side.  Take heart from the words of Gemsforeyes above.   

Love and light x
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« Reply #9 on: June 14, 2018, 06:46:44 AM »

But I'm not sure I did my best. I could probably have done things better. You always can. And I stayed in the relationship as long as possible too. It was him who stopped it every single time, not me. I would have stayed until the end probably. So it was him who thought that I wasn't good enough, whereas in their relationship it was her who ended it and him who definitely didn't want it to end.

So I wasn't strong enough to walk away. He just didn't want me anymore.

Blooming, don't punish and blame yourself.
As much as I've read about BPD in the last 10 months and on this forum, I do not believe you could have done any better.
I believe, that it's impossible to stay in a healthy rs with a BPD.

my former BPD friend (34) has been togther and living with her bf (45) since she was 17 years old. I've met him twice, only briefly at their home. He seems pretty ill psychologically himself. I've asked myself how they could handle 18 years together - I didn't find an answer and I don't need to.

The longer one stays in a rs with a BPD partner, the more it will damage the partner and the longer it will take to recover.

I really hope so much that you'll get over this and move on, you have a long life ahead and you'll find a good and healthy partner to your side.

During my long life, I've had very very difficult times, after multiple traumatic events, such as fire.
What I've learned is, that the pain will go away by time and you'll heal. I also experienced, that it takes a lot longer to recover mentally/psychologically than physically.

Good luck to you
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« Reply #10 on: June 14, 2018, 02:09:34 PM »

But I'm not sure I did my best. I could probably have done things better. You always can. And I stayed in the relationship as long as possible too. It was him who stopped it every single time, not me. I would have stayed until the end probably. So it was him who thought that I wasn't good enough, whereas in their relationship it was her who ended it and him who definitely didn't want it to end.

So I wasn't strong enough to walk away. He just didn't want me anymore.
Hey Blooming, its been a while since I've posted on your posts. Im going to share some stuff i went through since we last spoke and I hope my experience can help you in anyway.   

I thought about this for too long as well Blooming. My exBPD and her ex were together for 5 years. She was with me for 2.8 years. I compared myself to him for so long, and I didnt get it. He was abusive, I wasnt. He cheated on her, I didnt. His family hated her, mine loved and adored her. I am better looking, etc. I have a lot going on for me than him.

Yet, she couldnt stay with me. I did everything i could for her. I lost myself for her. But she didnt appreciate any of it. I did more for her than anyone in her life. ( I dont mean to be full of myself but this is true with the people in her life that I see). You cant make someone stay who doesnt want to. Them not staying is not a reflection of your character. You did everything you could, the best you could in that time.   You fought for him. You didn't give up on love. You are a fighter blooming 

I also fought for my exBPD, showed her I love her. But she got rid of me too. I was hurting for so long. blaming myself that I wasnt good enough. I couldnt sleep at night. Replaying scenarios and different outcomes that you wished you did and wonder "maybe we could have worked in a parallel universe".
I blamed myself for a long time. I blamed myself on why I didnt do this or that, or understand BPD better. I blamed my anxiety and hated myself. 

My ex started dating someone new. he was in my class and I saw him everyday. Everyday he walked in I would see him and compare myself. I compared what he had that i didnt. I was driving myself crazy. I was comparing myself to people which made me devalue myself. It made me feel unworthy and unlovable. This is the worst thing anyone can do. Never compare yourself to anyone. You are incomparable and no one comes close to you. 

After spending lots of time by myself and new people. Hanging out with anyone i could just to stop thinking of my ex, I gained confidence that i never seemed to have before. I felt like i was gaining power of my life. I stopped having FOG. Healthy people started gravitating towards me. People started wanting me around. This was a completely different experience with my ex. With my ex, no one wanted me around. I looked sad and miserable because I was too focused on making her happy and her feelings that I didn't acknowledge my own.

I learned overtime a lot of toxic traits, I myself possessed. I was codependent. I relied on making my partner happy and basing my happiness of hers. I was needy and insecure. I was scared she would leave me so i would over pursue/overcompensate. I had a problem of having to control what people thought about me. I wanted to be this perfect person in my exes eyes and other peoples eyes. But i accepted that no one has that power, and you shouldnt care what others think of you.

My therapist told me, that you could be the most healthiest person ever, have a healthy FOO. And staying in a relationship with someone with BPD will bring up insecurities or anxieties you never thought you had. They come to surface. It's not your fault your ex didnt see your worth. Its their loss.

I think you should take a step back and enjoy your company. Try not to check your exes or this girls social media anymore. It prolongs the hurt and pain. What do you think?

What does Blooming like to do on her free time? How can Blooming start to be the best version of herself? Do you have friends of the opposite sex you can hang out with? For me, hanging out with girls made me understand girls better and was just something new.

A heartbreak with your first love is a terrible feeling. Especially if they had BPD. This was my case. I got hit super effing hard with everything. I was broken for a long time. I still hurt at times. But I asked myself, will i let this person ruin me or will I thrive up and conquer? I told myself, if my ex ever came back, would she want the depressed/loathing version she left or the independent/mature/grown/best version/sexier version of me? Had to add a little extra info there   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #11 on: June 14, 2018, 02:11:09 PM »

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all your replies! The coincedence happens to be that I was standing in line for an ice cream yesterday and she, the soulmate ex, was standing a few meters behind me. I had never seen her in real life. She was even prettier in real life than in the pictures. I felt very weird.

Whether he cheated or not doesn’t really matter at the end of the day. He destroyed a relationship with someone he describes as his soulmate. How he did it is a trivial. If it really is that important to you, though, if she says he did, and the timeline makes sense, he probably did. Chances are he’d never admit it -that would be too painful to him.

Everybody loses here. She has nothing more than you do.

Well, she does right? Because he thinks she's his soulmate. I'll never be as important to him. Our relationship wasn't as long, I don't know his family as well etc etc. So she must have more than me.

Talk to us!  What else is going on in your life right now?  I hear you've experienced a painful breakup and are feeling rejected.  Are there friends or family around you feel good around that you can talk with?  What other support is available to you?  Have you considered reaching out to a therapist?  It sounds like you're being very, very hard on yourself and could use something extra in the way of support.

I'm studying at uni and exercising and meeting up with friends as much as possible, although currently that's not as much as I'd like to because of exam period coming up and spending every free minute in the uni library. There are friends and family that I feel good around, but I do notice that they're fed up with me talking about this. This break-up has been going on for 8 months now. They're done with my moaning I guess. I had a therapist but she's on pregnancy leave since May and I can only see her again in September, which is very unfortunate. I don't think it's possible to get another therapist in the meantime.

So you see, "soulmates" now, are not necessarily soulmates in 40 years.  Or 2 years.  So take heart, Blooming.  And NEVER, NEVER... .compare yourself to anyone else.  That is the one thing I did NOT do.  We punish ourselves enough, why add to it unnecessarily?  

There is likely a perfect love out here for you.  Lift your eyes and Let him find you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Thanks for sharing your story Gemsforeyes, you can be very proud of coming out of this on the other end of the tunnel. You seem like an extremely strong person.

But how do I stop comparing myself to her? I really don't know how. I keep wrecking my brain thinking of what I could have done differently, how I could have been more like her. In what way she was different from me which made him stay with her when he came back, instead of leaving right away again like he did with me. It hurts so much that he did that. With all his other exes, when he came back he stayed for at least a few months. With me he left again after a few weeks, how is that possible? Apparently they're all better than me.

Blooming, not only can you survive this but you can go on to thrive and live a happy fulfilling life.  Pain is a necessary part of life.  Instead of running from it, run towards it.  Then come through the other side.  Take heart from the words of Gemsforeyes above.  

Love and light x

But how do I do that HQ? How do I get out on the other side?

I really hope so much that you'll get over this and move on, you have a long life ahead and you'll find a good and healthy partner to your side.

During my long life, I've had very very difficult times, after multiple traumatic events, such as fire.
What I've learned is, that the pain will go away by time and you'll heal. I also experienced, that it takes a lot longer to recover mentally/psychologically than physically.

Good luck to you

I really hope so too, thank you for your kind words!








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I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
Harley Quinn
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #12 on: June 14, 2018, 03:16:56 PM »

Blooming, I'm almost disappointed that you didn't have a conversation with this woman when you saw her.  My bet is that she could put a stop to your rumination about their r/s in a heartbeat with a good dose of reality from her perspective.  I'm guessing she would tell you about how her life has dramatically improved since no longer being with him and how much she is emotionally healthier these days. 

There's a very good chance she would say that she had worse experiences with him in the longer time they spent together than you have in the shorter r/s.  If he treated her less well than you, would that still make her better in your eyes?  My point is that you're basing your assumptions about this woman on his distorted view of reality.  He is mentally ill.  You are attaching your very self worth on the words of a person who probably changes his mind on his world view every five minutes depending on how he's feeling or what the weather is doing right now.  Not one person on this earth is better or has more precious a life than anyone else.

The heart of this Blooming is not him, not her, or anyone else outside of yourself.  You are thinking and feeling very negatively about yourself right now and are suffering great pain heartache and grief after losing a very intense love and a highly charged relationship bond.  The way through is to attend to the business of accepting that and focusing on allowing yourself to feel those feelings for what they are, so that they can be acknowledged and pass.  It's hard - really hard to not look outside ourselves for all the answers when something feels so overwhelmingly distressing and uncomfortable.  That though would be to avoid dealing with and processing the grief.  I encourage you to revisit the Lessons for further guidance. 

Sit quietly and get present with yourself.  Work with the loss.  Let the feelings come up and feel the physical effects they have on your body.  Be mindful.  Observe with kindness what you are experiencing.  Be compassionate towards yourself.  Cry and cry and cry like the world has gone dark forever.  Then rest, go about your day and make time again the next day to just be with your feelings.  Continue this cycle and eventually you won't cry as much.  You won't feel as bad.  You will begin to heal.

The thoughts will come up about the ex and about him and you can choose to latch onto them or to say to yourself "There I go thinking about that ex again" or "I notice I'm wondering what he's thinking again", and immediately turn your attention to something else.  That could be your breath.  It's always with you.  Don't board that rumination train.  Just let it go past.

If you had a wide open gaping wound, would you continually poke at it with scissors?  Would you keep returning to the scene of the accident to risk inflicting further wounds?  Food for thought. 

We all want to see you feel better.  For that to happen, you're going to have to allow yourself to grieve and let go.  I'd also encourage you to do what you must to get further support for your self esteem as this fixation on others being more than you are isn't helping you right now.  Keep writing as much as you need to here.  We will walk with you on this difficult journey.  The hardest part is the first step. 

Love and light x           
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« Reply #13 on: June 15, 2018, 01:39:28 AM »

Blooming, I'm almost disappointed that you didn't have a conversation with this woman when you saw her.  My bet is that she could put a stop to your rumination about their r/s in a heartbeat with a good dose of reality from her perspective.  I'm guessing she would tell you about how her life has dramatically improved since no longer being with him and how much she is emotionally healthier these days. 

Unfortunately the circumstances really weren't suitable to engage conversation with her. I was standing in line with my family, celebrating that my little brother has just graduated from high school, and she was standing in line with two friends of hers. It was extremely busy. There was no way I could have talked to her and it wouldn't have been nice to my brother, because it was his special day. I have considered contacting her with a letter or something, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea, especially since she's still in contact with our ex, or at least she was during our relationship and I don't see a reason why she wouldn't be anymore. What do you think? And what should I then write to her?

Excerpt
There's a very good chance she would say that she had worse experiences with him in the longer time they spent together than you have in the shorter r/s.  If he treated her less well than you, would that still make her better in your eyes?  My point is that you're basing your assumptions about this woman on his distorted view of reality.  He is mentally ill.  You are attaching your very self worth on the words of a person who probably changes his mind on his world view every five minutes depending on how he's feeling or what the weather is doing right now.  Not one person on this earth is better or has more precious a life than anyone else.

Maybe you're right HQ. His opinions do change a lot. Although I've never seen his opinion on her change in the time we spent together. She was and will always be the special one in his eyes. Not me. Not his other exes. Her. But it could be that worse things happened. They definitely fought more than we did, but that's more because of my own pacifist nature. They once had such a big fight in the middle of the street that she kicked him in the balls and the police came to ask if everything was alright for example. And if the cheating I wrote about earlier actually happened, than that of course is awful. I don't think she knows that though, because otherwise they probably wouldn't be in contact anymore. He has admitted one act of cheating to me and that was with her. He kissed a singer of a band he liked at a festival. He said he never told her though.

Excerpt
The heart of this Blooming is not him, not her, or anyone else outside of yourself.  You are thinking and feeling very negatively about yourself right now and are suffering great pain heartache and grief after losing a very intense love and a highly charged relationship bond.  The way through is to attend to the business of accepting that and focusing on allowing yourself to feel those feelings for what they are, so that they can be acknowledged and pass.  It's hard - really hard to not look outside ourselves for all the answers when something feels so overwhelmingly distressing and uncomfortable.  That though would be to avoid dealing with and processing the grief.  I encourage you to revisit the Lessons for further guidance. 

Sit quietly and get present with yourself.  Work with the loss.  Let the feelings come up and feel the physical effects they have on your body.  Be mindful.  Observe with kindness what you are experiencing.  Be compassionate towards yourself.  Cry and cry and cry like the world has gone dark forever.  Then rest, go about your day and make time again the next day to just be with your feelings.  Continue this cycle and eventually you won't cry as much.  You won't feel as bad.  You will begin to heal.

The thoughts will come up about the ex and about him and you can choose to latch onto them or to say to yourself "There I go thinking about that ex again" or "I notice I'm wondering what he's thinking again", and immediately turn your attention to something else.  That could be your breath.  It's always with you.  Don't board that rumination train.  Just let it go past.

If you had a wide open gaping wound, would you continually poke at it with scissors?  Would you keep returning to the scene of the accident to risk inflicting further wounds?  Food for thought. 

We all want to see you feel better.  For that to happen, you're going to have to allow yourself to grieve and let go.  I'd also encourage you to do what you must to get further support for your self esteem as this fixation on others being more than you are isn't helping you right now.  Keep writing as much as you need to here.  We will walk with you on this difficult journey.  The hardest part is the first step. 

Love and light x           

Thank you for your kind words HQ. I will look at the lessons! I hope my head will once be as clear as yours, I'm very impressed with the way you write about things.
Logged

I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2845


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #14 on: June 15, 2018, 02:25:53 AM »

You're welcome. Many of us here know the horror of the pain of such loss and are still here to talk about it. Keep hold of that hope for yourself and have courage. You can do this. 

Let us know which parts of the lessons speak to where you are.

Love and light x
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