Will the smear campaign ever stop bothering me?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi.  It's been a while since I posted.  It is one year since I filed for divorce, over a year since all the drama that ended my marriage, and the separation... .  And yet even after all this time, I still have flying monkeys bringing me messages from my ex.  Distorted truths, outright lies... .  Apparently he is still on his character assassination campaign against me.  It doesn't affect me as badly as it used to.  At times, it even makes me laugh, because a lot of what he says is projection. But it does get to be a lot for me to just ignore, and I think the worst of it is the gaslighting part.  By constantly hearing his old accusations now still voiced just through different people, my mind begins to make me doubt myself again.

As I type this I realize that the real focus of my question is not when the smear campaign will ever end, but rather, when will it stop getting under my skin?  I know he will never change.  (He has told me so, in fact, while we were married!)  But when and how can I be strong enough that it doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks about me?

[talking rose]

Hi.  It's been a while since I posted.  It is one year since I filed for divorce, over a year since all the drama that ended my marriage, and the separation... .  And yet even after all this time, I still have flying monkeys bringing me messages from my ex.  Distorted truths, outright lies... .  Apparently he is still on his character assassination campaign against me.  It doesn't affect me as badly as it used to.  At times, it even makes me laugh, because a lot of what he says is projection. But it does get to be a lot for me to just ignore, and I think the worst of it is the gaslighting part.  By constantly hearing his old accusations now still voiced just through different people, my mind begins to make me doubt myself again.

As I type this I realize that the real focus of my question is not when the smear campaign will ever end, but rather, when will it stop getting under my skin?  I know he will never change.  (He has told me so, in fact, while we were married!)  But when and how can I be strong enough that it doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks about me?

[MeandThee29]

As I type this I realize that the real focus of my question is not when the smear campaign will ever end, but rather, when will it stop getting under my skin?  I know he will never change.  (He has told me so, in fact, while we were married!)  But when and how can I be strong enough that it doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks about me?

It may always bother you to some extent because you have some history there. It's natural to feel a bit betrayed by people that you once had a good relationship with who are believing the bad press.

Mine's side of the family bought his side. It was about circling the wagons around him and viewing him as a victim. So I ended up outside as the one who started it all.

However, the way I see the BPD dance, everyone is a victim to some extent, but you can't live with that mindset. It was so freeing when I realized that I was in control of my responses and could truly handle anything thrown at me. And even if things didn't go well, I could chose what to do next. Elementary stuff, but it works!

[talking rose]

It may always bother you to some extent because you have some history there. It's natural to feel a bit betrayed by people that you once had a good relationship with who are believing the bad press.

Mine's side of the family bought his side. It was about circling the wagons around him and viewing him as a victim. So I ended up outside as the one who started it all.

However, the way I see the BPD dance, everyone is a victim to some extent, but you can't live with that mindset. It was so freeing when I realized that I was in control of my responses and could truly handle anything thrown at me. And even if things didn't go well, I could chose what to do next. Elementary stuff, but it works!

So much truth in that last paragraph.  It works well when I'm feeling strong, but when I'm broken down emotionally, I'm not so great at it.

My in law family also bought his story completely.  They know about the physical abuse, and to them that is just more proof of how crazy I am, that I pushed him so far. 

[zachira]

I am sorry to hear you are suffering from a smear campaign by your ex. I have a friend whose husband and new wife mounted a smear campaign against her that still continues to this day nearly 30 years later. I was once told what was being said about her, and I shared it with my friend that she was the victim of a smear campaign, because she still had children had home, though I did not tell her what was being said. She begged me to tell her what I had heard, and I told her I would not tell her because it was not true, and that was only playing into the hands of her ex and his wife. To this day, she and I are still good friends, and I think part of it is how I have stood by her during the smear campaign. So maybe you want to tell people you would rather not hear what your ex is saying because he is telling people these ugly lies so they will tell you. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen, and learn what you need.

[Panda39]

This may sound flippant, but I think it's true... .it will stop for you when you stop caring about it.

The people in your life that care about you aren't going to buy it, some others might buy it for a while and figure out the truth, and still other's will buy it hook, line and sinker.  The later folks you don't need in your life.

Your ex is gonna do and say what he's gonna do and say, he is disordered and will act accordingly.

Keep moving forward,
Panda39

[Insom]

Hi, talking rose.    

My in law family also bought his story completely.  They know about the physical abuse, and to them that is just more proof of how crazy I am, that I pushed him so far.

Hugs.      This sounds hard.  I can relate to how unfair it feels to be unjustly accused.

But when and how can I be strong enough that it doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks about me?

Picture yourself in a future moment where you feel centered and confident.  None of his accusations matter. What does your life look like in this moment?  What did it take for you to get there?

In the short term,  is it possible for your to reduce what your'e hearing by asking people not to relay info from him?

[Rubies]

My BPDxh started his slander campaign before he left in 2010 and he rallied the flying monkeys.  The best advice I received in the beginning was to don't read the crap, don't seek it out because nobody of importance will be reading it either.  What I did learn was horribly hurtful and endangered our lives.  We were terrorized, vandalized, burglarized and ostracized in this hyper-aggressive community.  

I focused on our life and health recoveries which included sweeping flying monkeys out of our lives.  After 8 years of people learning who I am, it's obvious to many what the BPDxh really is, and now the chronic, criminal flying monkeys are exposed for what they are.  

I think my situation was worse than many because of his professional contacts.  There were a lot of bent badges who felt they owed him favors, and they utilize the criminal elements in the community toward us.  Also the cultural pathology of the region to get on board to make a game of terrorizing women and children to drive them from their homes and force change of custody to the dad.  I'm not the first one they did this to, perhaps the first to not abandon our home and leave with nothing.

I can say things are okay now, kinda sorta.  On top of initial relationship and life recovery, I am now stroke recovery and have PTSD from when they shot a horse and left it in our ditch.    I have trustworthy friends now and that is most important to me.   DD23 struggles with fears and anxiety due to her experiences, including the ones with her dad.

My Pollyanna Happy Thought is life is still better than having a BPD in my home.

[Skip]

What is being shared with you? Who is sharing it?

[talking rose]

I can say things are okay now, kinda sorta.  On top of initial relationship and life recovery, I am now stroke recovery and have PTSD from when they shot a horse and left it in our ditch.    I have trustworthy friends now and that is most important to me.   DD23 struggles with fears and anxiety due to her experiences, including the ones with her dad.

My Pollyanna Happy Thought is life is still better than having a BPD in my home.

That's what I tell myself all the time, at least I'm not living with him anymore!  In fact, when my mind shifts to this thought, the smear campaign turns into something comforting in a way, a reminder of why I did all this (all this being the divorce and all the pain and fallout associated with it.)

I cannot believe they shot a horse and left it in your ditch!  Wow!

[MeandThee29]

My BPDxh started his slander campaign before he left in 2010 and he rallied the flying monkeys.  The best advice I received in the beginning was to don't read the crap, don't seek it out because nobody of importance will be reading it either.  What I did learn was horribly hurtful and endangered our lives.  We were terrorized, vandalized, burglarized and ostracized in this hyper-aggressive community.  

I focused on our life and health recoveries which included sweeping flying monkeys out of our lives.  After 8 years of people learning who I am, it's obvious to many what the BPDxh really is, and now the chronic, criminal flying monkeys are exposed for what they are.  

I think my situation was worse than many because of his professional contacts.  There were a lot of bent badges who felt they owed him favors, and they utilize the criminal elements in the community toward us.  Also the cultural pathology of the region to get on board to make a game of terrorizing women and children to drive them from their homes and force change of custody to the dad.  I'm not the first one they did this to, perhaps the first to not abandon our home and leave with nothing.

I can say things are okay now, kinda sorta.  On top of initial relationship and life recovery, I am now stroke recovery and have PTSD from when they shot a horse and left it in our ditch.    I have trustworthy friends now and that is most important to me.   DD23 struggles with fears and anxiety due to her experiences, including the ones with her dad.

My Pollyanna Happy Thought is life is still better than having a BPD in my home.

Oh my, you went through so much!

I'm glad that you can say that things are at least OK. That's a step in the right direction. It's all right to never be the same, but you can be better than you were in the worst of it.