My Mom

[starbucksgirl]

Hi Everyone,

I am 18 years old and my mom has high-functioning BPD. All my life I have been emotionally abused by her rage, criticism, and dramatic chaos she has created in my home. I am an only child, so it is just my dad and i at home with my mom. Growing up was tough because she used to be a lot worse than she is now, she would have screaming fits a lot often after work and my dad would make her stay in their room to stop from screaming around me because I was so young. My mom says my dad helped her a lot so she doesn't scream as much as she used to. However, last summer before I went off to college was really bad. My mom was often yelling at me every day and forbidding me from doing anything unless it was in her timing and control. Recently, this summer after college, has been better but she still will have outburts of rage and go around screaming at my dad and I to be productive and do the things she wants but if it's not done her way, she freaks out even more and it is incessant nagging. She cannot stand to see my dad and I ever sit still, it drives her crazy and she forces us to do work and always blames us saying we never do anything and make her do all the work even though that's not true.

Anyways, I only very recently found out my mom has BPD. I was visiting the counselor at my college about my mom because she was acting very clingy and irrational and wouldn't leave me alone. I understand the hardships my mom is facing, as an only child leaving her, and I feel for her and did my best to please her but there is only so much I can do. My counselor suggested she could have BPD and recommended I read the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. I have been reading it and it's really helped me and it told me to check out these communities where other non-BP's or BP's talk about their struggle.

So yeah, that's my story

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you being an only child with a mother with BPD. You are courageous and smart to seek answers so you deal with how your mother's behaviors affect you. You will find your way, and it is never easy to grow up with a mother with BPD and to try to maintain a relationship with her. I grew up with a mother with BPD, and it is a lifelong journey to figure out how to be less emotionally overwhelmed by all the negative behaviors. Do take heart that none of this is your fault, and you will find ways to make things easier. Keep us posted and let us know how we can help.

[Turkish]

Hi starbucksgirl,

Only child here too 

Moving out for college (or whatever)  is a normal transition into adulthood.

It sounds like your mom soothes herself by asserting extreme control in the home.  Everyone not only deserves,  but should also take a certain amount of downtime for their own well being.  This is normal.  It sounds like your mom may be playing out a script learned in her own childhood.  I remember the Saturday morning cleaning rampages my ex used to go on... .after I thought we had done a good job cleaning up Friday after dinners. 

It sounds like you are self aware enough to know that her extreme behaviors aren't your fault,  yes?

We have a lot of material here on BPD and how to better communicate.  Check out this article (and the link to the discussion at the end). SET is one of the most basic validation tools that is easy to learn with some practice:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

The article on boundaries may also help:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Are your parents helping to pay for your education? If so,  is that fact weaponized to induce guilt that you're not contributing enough when you are home?

Turkish

[GreatListener]

Hi Everyone,

I am 18 years old and my mom has high-functioning BPD. All my life I have been emotionally abused by her rage, criticism, and dramatic chaos she has created in my home. I am an only child, so it is just my dad and i at home with my mom. Growing up was tough because she used to be a lot worse than she is now, she would have screaming fits a lot often after work and my dad would make her stay in their room to stop from screaming around me because I was so young. My mom says my dad helped her a lot so she doesn't scream as much as she used to. However, last summer before I went off to college was really bad. My mom was often yelling at me every day and forbidding me from doing anything unless it was in her timing and control. Recently, this summer after college, has been better but she still will have outburts of rage and go around screaming at my dad and I to be productive and do the things she wants but if it's not done her way, she freaks out even more and it is incessant nagging. She cannot stand to see my dad and I ever sit still, it drives her crazy and she forces us to do work and always blames us saying we never do anything and make her do all the work even though that's not true.

Anyways, I only very recently found out my mom has BPD. I was visiting the counselor at my college about my mom because she was acting very clingy and irrational and wouldn't leave me alone. I understand the hardships my mom is facing, as an only child leaving her, and I feel for her and did my best to please her but there is only so much I can do. My counselor suggested she could have BPD and recommended I read the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. I have been reading it and it's really helped me and it told me to check out these communities where other non-BP's or BP's talk about their struggle.

So yeah, that's my story

Starbucks girl, You are a rockstar and never forget that. You are not alone in this struggle. It sounds like your mom has a lot of the characteristics that mine does, and I know it is not easy.

I have actually been reading (and by reading I mean listening to on audible ) the book "understanding the borderline mother" by christine ann lawson. It is incredible and I highly suggest reading it.

Anyways, Congrats on going away to college- you'll accomplish great things!

[protomartyr]

Starbucks girl, You are a rockstar and never forget that. You are not alone in this struggle. It sounds like your mom has a lot of the characteristics that mine does, and I know it is not easy.

I have actually been reading (and by reading I mean listening to on audible ) the book "understanding the borderline mother" by christine ann lawson. It is incredible and I highly suggest reading it.

Anyways, Congrats on going away to college- you'll accomplish great things!

I'm glad to know that one is helpful, for some reason I had the hunch that it was geared toward clinicians--and I'm glad to see there's an audible version. Thanks!