My child is afraid of her BPD parent - coparenting problems

[theoutsider55]

Hi all,

I've been away from the boards for a while as after my divorce things really settled.  My child is now around 9 years old and some major issues have surfaced.  Hoping someone can shed some insight as I'm very overwhelmed and concerned.

The background:

Divorced/separated before the child has any memory of us living together

Co-parenting (1 time per weeks visits with other parent - at the other parents request: child lives with me 100% of the time)

Other parent is diagnosed BPD - in treatment and medicated (for 8 years) - typical bipolar behaviours (I don't mean to generalize - but to condense the post)


I have always thought I had a close eye on the situation and my child has always reported visits were going well.  Earlier this year I got a phone call from school to let me know that my child had told their teacher "I wish I was never born".  This obviously sparked much concern and my ex and I agreed she should visit the social worker.  The social worker indicated that my child was refusing to talk about anything and that perhaps there was something "greater" going on at home we should look at.

Throughout the year my child began sleeping with the lights on - scared at bedtime.  Lost weight - constantly complained of illness, and has missed far too much school.

The most interesting thing (that I paid no attention to over the year - unfortunately ) was when she was constantly asking what day of the week it was - constantly.  She even asked for a calendar which she hung in her room. (she sees the BPD parent on the same day every week).

A few weeks ago, completely out of the blue my child blurted out some very alarming and painful things.

"at (the other parents house) I feel like I'm in a room full of mouse traps - I have to be careful where I step"
"I must be perfect (at the other parents house) or they will not love me"
"I will work harder to make (other parent) love me"
":)on't tell (other parent) they will be very very mad at me"
"(other parent) doesn't mean to hurt me"
" I see (other parents) face everywhere, everyday - always mad at me - nothing I do is good enough"
"I wish I could just be me"
"I don't ever want to go to (other parents house) again - but if I don't they will be very mad at me"

Now you can guess how I felt after that - surprised but deep inside not all that surprised at all.

I am working to find my child a therapist - on a wait list now.

I feel like this is a huge concern - but am I projecting my experiences on it? 

My child has refused to see the other parent in a few weeks, which I supported - but I know I can't do that forever.

Im totally lost.  Anyone have any similar experiences?

[ForeverDad]

How is her mother handling it?  Will there be legal problems with the visits now on pause?  If mother is okay with it, how long before she starts to fuss?  Excellent that D9 is getting her own therapist!

I recall when my son was 9 years old.  Right about then he started reading more fluently, not word by word.  And I was seeking full legal custody.  Until then he always said he wanted more time with me, happy when I picked him up, quiet or fussing when I dropped him off.  Well, when ex learned a GAL (a lawyer for him) was assigned, the first time back from time with her he got in the car and exclaimed, "I want 50% time with my mother!"  You know where that came from.  So I viewed it as he had finally reached an age where he was more aware and socially developed ... .and she could influence him.

[livednlearned]

I feel like this is a huge concern - but am I projecting my experiences on it?

Her comments are pretty self-evident -- she is expressing clearly how she feels.

It's good that you are listening. 

My child has refused to see the other parent in a few weeks, which I supported - but I know I can't do that forever.

I have 100 percent custody, too. My son hasn't seen his dad for the past 4 years. That's based on court stuff, but S16's choice to not communicate with his dad is his alone. He is self-aware now (thanks to therapy) to realize that his dad is not emotionally safe for him. S16 does consider that one day he might feel differently, but not now.

It's tough to know that his dad is not in his life, but I also look at it like he's getting the therapy and skills to help him for when he's strong enough to have a relationship with his dad again, if he chooses.

Yesterday, my son was in the ER to get a blood transfusion  and has a complicated summer of tests and surgeries ahead. These fatherless moments are so painful, but n/BPDx cannot handle stress so reaching out when it's stressful is exactly the wrong time to do so. I mentioned it to S16, and he said, "He'll just make it about him."

Sometimes we have to move a few mountains to make sure our kids can heal. It gets harder the longer that healing is put off.