He's never left me alone electronically. If you've had this, how did you cope?

[spacecadet]

My ex-bf w/BP issues left me a year ago over a perceived rejection. We texted a little afterward but he basically ghosted me. I went through a season of heartbreak but have reckoned with the fact that he wasn't interested in or possibly capable of building a friendship with me. He did not seem to be over his ex-gf and told me at the end that he'd returned to her. Okay, I wished him well and that's the end for me. He said no and I honor that.

I've been dating regularly and have some promising friendships and am enjoying life.

Here's the rub. He's never left me alone electronically. He's broken into numerous SM sites and made phone calls or given my number out to others to call me. This was on a daily basis last fall, causing a high level of distress, insomnia, panic attacks etc. Since then it's become tedious. He seemed obsessed with me yet did not want to see me even for coffee when we were last in (direct) contact last November. It's obviously not even close to having a satisfying romantic, sensual relationship, or even a casual friendship. It supplies him with something but I'm hard pressed to say what.

One call in the last month was from a fake debt collector... .I knew it was fake because I have no debts. Another was an exterminator (legit, but I hadn't contacted him) who said he was responding to my request for help with bed bugs. Just weird, dumb stuff. I've tried to step away from this, to the point of purchasing new equipment. He still seems to know where I am online because I've gone onto 4 new dating sites this year (to avoid him) and he pops up every time within a day, either as himself or an obvious doppleganger who repeatedly messages or "likes" me.

I've changed phone number to stop the calls. I'd given him two numbers when we were friends.  I had two others I never gave him that he somehow learned after we went NC. One was a VOIP number I gave to literally no one, using it only to forward from my phone; the other was a brand new cell number. He got those so a month ago I got a new number -- my fifth. Gave to a handful on a need to know basis. I just got my second odd call in a week. Details don't matter but I ascertained that it's him.

I've been ignoring it but would prefer it stop altogether. I feel neutral about him at this point, pretty detached, not particularly angry even about this behavior. More of a quiet bemusement. If he showed up somewhere at this point I don't even think I would fear him. I don't believe he is dangerous, nor is this personal about me. He may even be doing this same thing with dozens of women. I told a couple people about it, including a counselor I see for my own growth. People ask me, "What is his end game?" My answer, how the heck would I know? Ask him.

It may help to add that I did not get to know him enough to learn whether he has other issues, e.g. comorbid depression, DID, psychotic breaks, addictions etc.

Thoughts?

[Harley Quinn]

What was said last November when you stopped being in direct contact?  Did you decide you wanted to go NC?  If so, how was that explained? 

Love and light x

[spacecadet]

We'd had low contact until I moved to his area (a pre-planned move unrelated to him). After I arrived I texted him suggesting a casual coffee meeting and he was the one who requested NC, which I honored. Then the cyber-harassment, which had been very low level, became more aggressive and hostile. So not rational behavior by our standards.

[Harley Quinn]

No, not rational but no doubt driven by his emotional state in that moment. He may be looking for a reaction from you. Testing the water to see if you open a door to communication by responding. It's possible he is feeling vulnerable through his fear of abandonment or engulfment and is wanting a former attachment to be revitalised to ease that.  Do you sense any malice?

Love and light x

[spacecadet]

Hmm, hadn’t considered that possibility. Malice? I don’t know. Because it’s been a season of pain for me I assumed his intention was to cause me pain, but that’s not the most useful algorithm for disordered personalities is it.    (or maybe for any of us) You're right that it's very in the moment. Rage, playfulness, mocking (my age, my faith), love song lyrics, loneliness — he’s been all over the map. Maybe his meta objective is simply to not feel alone.

It seems he cared for me enough last year to dysregulate and spiral downward, which of course I never could have anticipated early in the friendship. I held out hope for some time that he was earnestly committed to treatment and healing, but there’s no way to assess this. I’ve grown somewhat since our split, identified his issues post-relationship, realized what I might have done differently, which may or may not have led to a different outcome on his end. I've licked my wounds and built myself up. This could be wrong but my operating assumption is that he’s the same man, which means if we resumed our friendship he’d just spin out again. I'm wanting to maintain my equanimity regardless of what's going on around me.

I don't feel a need for "closure," I pretty much worked that out inside myself. While it would be nice to see him and make peace, why not let him initiate if and when he wants to.

Now that I re-think this, I’m not sure he’s still tracking me on the internet, as I bought a new computer and access the internet only through ethernet. Lately he only seems to 'find me' on dating sites, so maybe he’s just combing those sites looking for me. It's been really hard feeling like he can access what I write, but maybe I can let go of that fear.

I’m starting to meet enough people of all stripes in my new home that I could afford to take a break from internet dating and still have a pretty robust social life. I seem to have become “addicted” to internet dating though. :P Is there a 12-step for that?  

Thanks for your thoughtful responses HQ.

[Harley Quinn]

I think you could choose one for any type of addiction and be pretty sure it'd help   

Love and light x

[spacecadet]

HQ, I wanted to say I appreciate your post on the other board about lights and sirens. I'm sorry you're going through this. You are a bada$$ for powering through everything.

If anyone else can relate to my story, you're welcome to chime in (with all due respect, nay sayers will be ignored I'm curious whether others have had this experience, how you coped.

[Harley Quinn]

You are a bada$$ for powering through everything.

Thanks.  I always felt like one until I no longer did, which was a scary position to find myself in.  I'm working on it.

Hopefully others will join with their experiences.

Love and light x

[Cromwell]

Hi Spacecadet,

Even though he initiated the NC, to a reasonable minded person it would equate to wishing to finish up and move on.

I think from what you at describe, gives an impression that you never begged, pleaded or chased after him, just accepted it and started to do your own online dating search for someone new.

Just dont give the creep any reaction. You sound very cool about it all, i wasnt, I found it disturbing and at times I worried about my and my family members safety by the weirdness of it all. In the end I realised she was just nothing more than a sad pest.

but in your case it is clear harassment and id say, trying to intimidate, scare and shock you in a way that keeps a psychic bond with him. Ive read that this is very much a narcissist behaviour, its not so much about being in a r/s with you anymore that is regarded as healthy or functional, yet it is still "a" relationship in his world view and thats overall, all that matters.

BPD (my ex) stalked me extensively, throughout and after I went NC. It started to die down as I shut myself off from social media, changed email accounts, did a complete overhaul of everything including new phone. I even moved house and she showed up twice. She harassed all her exs in similar ways.

[spacecadet]

Hi Cromwell, thank you for sharing your experience and your encouraging words. I'm sorry you went through this... .it sounds really scary! How long did it go on? Did you report to police? Glad it's over for you.

[Cromwell]

Hi Cromwell, thank you for sharing your experience and your encouraging words. I'm sorry you went through this... .it sounds really scary! How long did it go on? Did you report to police? Glad it's over for you.

you get used to it

im glad that you have the right attitude of labelling it as "sad" behaviour, although lets no deride from the fact that it is unsettling and id say, a variant of terrorism - in that its not so much what happens that is of concern, as it is not-knowing what the disordered person is ultimately capable of. That not knowing is where fear kicks in. The fact I took as many practical steps as possible mitigated that fear, in the end everything worked out, but at the time you dont know where the behaviour leads to.

I never imagined in my life id ever have a stalker, I found it quite endearing in a way and maybe my life now just isnt interesting enough to stalk. enjoy it whilst it lasts because once you make it "no fun" anymore, it dies out when you make it hard for them to get a reaction.  

My ex was 15 years younger than me, at her age I was out having fun, in fact the time together I was disappointed that beyond her drug use, I had more zest for life than she did. I would have never imagined wasting months of my life following someone or baiting them online. Even one of her friends told her in relation to what she was doing "you have too much time on your hands". She was obssessed, not in a "love" way, but in losing that level of control she had. My detaching from her, showing a lack of interest, is not something she expected from me. Making her person non grata was the worst insult to her self esteem. She tried everything to provoke a reaction, in line with the advice I gave you in previous post - its not about rekindling a nice relationship, or a relationship of any meaningfulness, it is about not letting you leave them, move on, discard them. As long as there is some form of connection, however unsettling it is, that is all that matters.

Will my ex ever sit in front of the same psychiatrist that diagnosed her with BPD and tell them all of the above? No.
Its why I dont take much credit for such diagnoses or attach as much pity to jump to conclusions about "BPD" caused this. Her behaviour is more linked towards that of anti social personality. Again, people who havent suffered to the same extent will just declare "oh, still ill". nope, neither are illnesses per se, they are list of traits that amount to the person confronted by them in an assessment who tries to find what the most convenient label to attach to what is presented.

the reason it stopped is because beyond her or whoever she had encouraged to harass my family, they knew to stop short of a face to face confrontation that would have ultimately led to them - correctly - realising they would be gunned down and whatever disorders they actually had would have been solved there and then. I would have just blamed that on my own PD, surely thats only fair?

Im glad to be away from the psychos and it was my family I worried more about that the antics started to involve them, thats really when the line got crossed and I went NC and "ghosted" her (which ive been told was such an upsetting thing to do - for her).

yep im glad its over and its taken a long time to mentally start to appreciate the feeling of living as normal and peaceful life that I had taken for granted before. No point reporting it to the police unless you have concrete ironclast evidence for them to work on, otherwise they get a "hype" out of masterminding the fact you have reached out for help and they were unable to. which only adds to a feeling of helplessness. Cut off all contact and involve the police if he takes the step of being forced out of his fox hole to have to confront you face to face or you get damage to your property, stuff that can start getting logged down. when it comes to electronic harrassment, its too easy to do and get away with, make it difficult for him is my advice to the point where he finds diminishing returns for his efforts. no reaction which is what they are looking for ultimately. take away their little adrenaline kick to alleviate their miserable non existent lives.

[spacecadet]

You're right, it's not something for the police, more a nuisance. I think the ex has faded out because when I compare notes with friends, the odd calls I've gotten on the new phone # are typical sales things. I just ignore and block now. It brings a tremendous relief I've felt the past few days... .ah freedom!

[Harley Quinn]

 Good news.  What your boundaries should you have any repeats of the behaviour or other unwanted contact out of the blue?  In the times of peace is a good opportunity to think about these things.

Love and light x

[spacecadet]

What your boundaries should you have any repeats of the behaviour or other unwanted contact out of the blue?
Love and light x

HQ, good question. Unfortunately there may not be any boundaries beyond those I have implemented. Last summer he'd been using the internet to contact me anonymously for a month or two, at that point it was more flirtation than anything and pretty benign. But once he told me he had reunited with his exgf and the stuff continued, I called him and told him this needed to stop. I said he was welcome to contact me anytime as himself, M, as a platonic friend but that was it. Naturally he became defensive and denied that he was doing this, but it also escalated that week.

Since then my boundaries have included blocking and more blocking, repeated layers of protection to my old computer and phone (apps, VPNs, malware removers). When that was unsuccessful I purchased a new computer and new phone. I changed my phone number, twice now.

I've never experienced this as fun or flattering on any level. At first I thought he might actually miss me and recognize my value in his life. But as months passed it became clear that he views me as merely another woman to toy with. While he initially appeared to be a bp who was earnestly pursuing healing, he now looks more like an entrenched narcissist who manifests stalking (and likely other addictive behavior). Some men, since their world view is that women are to be used, are more kind to engage prostitutes to meet their needs and leave decent women alone. Let us be free to seek and find the company of men / a man who earnestly desires a loving relationship.

He wrote on the message board, on which he was a moderator, that he's in a 12-step program and advocates "admitting one's wrongs" and "making amends." Well I would be open to the amends portion of the program. Which will happen, like, when hell freezes over.