Erasing all corespondence

[Getoverit]

I am having a very hard time detaching from my ex who I believe is borderline. It would help me tremendously, I think, if I didn't feel like I have to save his voicemails, text messages, and emails. I have been advised that I should keep any and all documentation of abuse at least until he moves on and years have passed. I am concerened that if I don't have "evidence" of his harassment that I will not be able to file a restraining order in the future. I hope it doesn't get to that, but I have been surprised at the creative ways in which he will bother me when he is having one of his episodes. I am hopeful that with time he will accept our breakup and leave me alone, however, depending on what kind of mood he's in he will do inappropriate things such as finding my friends' phone numbers and attempting to speak to them. I have warned him several times that this is not only unproductive but more importantly disrespectful. Go figure he has no idea what any of that means. I have one too many voicemails and written messages from him about how deficient he is, that he understands why I cannot trust him, that he accepts our breakup. When I have reminded him of these he consistently responds with the following, "And are you going to let go of me so easily? You said you loved me. I guess YOU are the liar!" Am I missing something here?

I cannot be in this relationship anymore without feeling severely depressed. He once told me that he rather have me be miserable with him than happy without him. When I asked him to elaborate he said "Oh great--now you're going to play armchair psychologist!" in an exasperated tone. I have lost count of the number of times I have attempted to break things off with him. I have tried every angle to my knowledge and he continued to successfully convince me that things can be different. Most recently he offered to finally commit to going to couples therapy. In no less than 12 hours he was screaming at me about going ONLY if I come clean about what he "knows, but won't tell me." Huh? Again, here is an overused tactic of his where instead of following through with a plan he creates drama whereby ultimately I am held responsible for the negative outcome since it was MY idea, and MY shortcomings, and MY promise to "come clean" about whatever he is thinking/making up that I'm supposed to telepathically know... .

He has frequently accused me of things that are so bizarre that when I am in shock and quiet he says "I knew you'd have nothing to say." I pointed out that it is not an admission when I'm trying to process what just happened and he says "It is implied." When I have immediately responded to an accusation he says "The fact that you're defensive speaks volumes. Clearly you are guilty!" I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I've had enough and this should have ended years ago. With counseling I'm understanding that I have enabled him and made it all too easy for him to remain unchanged. I now am of the opinion that I am indeed a trigger and can only emotionally harm him further as he associates me to his current state of unhappiness. That's another thing; I don't believe that he is unhappy. I believe that he is sadistic and gets off on feeling he has power over me. It feels like the only way I can get out of the relationship is to stay in it (on his terms) and/or die. I have not seen him for months and have no interest in ever seeing him again. I truly want to purge memories of him and work on being a better person to myself so that one day I can feel good again.

Please share your thoughts on how I can best preserve what's left of my sanity. I don't want reminders of him cluttering and distracting my over stressed mind.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Getoverit-

I believe the first step toward truly detaching is to let go of what you think this may do to HIM, and recognize what staying attached IS doing to you.  It sounds like you are getting there, true?  Does it hurt enough yet?  That's a question I've asked myself so many times... .two days ago I finally changed my status from romantic partner to "ex" romantic partner.  Of course, that hasn't stopped his barrage of text messages... .

Here's what I would suggest so that things can be moved out of your line of sight.  It may sound simplistic, but we have to start with the basics.  Print out the emails and store them in a safe place in case you need them in the future.  Maybe a metal filing cabinet with a key you hide or perhaps a safe deposit box at a bank.

Regarding the text messages.  I'm not the most tech savvy person, but I think those can maybe be backed up to the cloud.  Check with your cell service provider and find out how to do that.  I pay less than $1.00 per month for extra cloud back-up space, and although I haven't asked about backing up text messages yet, I'm about to because my exBPDbf's are escalating.  But he's too afraid of losing his job, so he won't cross an invisible line with me.

As far as voice messages go, buy an old fashioned tape recorder and practice recording the messages he leaves on your voice mail.  You can transfer those harsh words onto that tape so your phone won't be filled up with his caustic words and you won't have to have those messages in your line of vision.  Snap a screen shot so you have the photo of the date and time that will match the recording on your tape.  And then BLOCK HIM... .when you're ready.

Truly embracing the detachment process is NOT EASY.  I don't know your story... .
Do you live in the same city?  Do you see him often?  How long were you consistently together?  How do you FEEL about him?  Are you safe?  Does he present any form of physical danger to you?

Something that has truly helped me is writing.  To myself.  I write on my iPad.  I just let my fingertips roll, no thought, just stream of consciousness.  Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes deeply sad.  I did this while we were together, too.  There were times when I wrote in pure joy and deep love.   I have been very clear in my "journal" about his actions and my feelings.  I don't normally share these thoughts with anyone.  Except sometimes, I share them here.  And periodically I speak to one girlfriend about him.

If you have isolated yourself due to this relationship, then gather your strength, chip away at your walls and renew your old friendships.  Start talking and tell your friends and family you need them.  Start telling your truth.  I know it's hard. 

And post here.  As much as you want.  If you slip, it's okay.  We all slip.

Finally, I did something that was almost like a "confessional" of sorts.  And I did it on here, without meaning to do it.  I don't remember the title of my post, and I don't know how to link things.  What I did was go through a list of many (not ALL) of the things I forgive him for doing.  After I did that, I read it aloud to my close friend and my anger rose with my words.  When we hung up, I read it out loud again to myself and tapped my fist on my heart to release each of his wrongdoings. (This ritual of tapping the fist on your heart does relate to something in the Jewish religion.). And it actually worked.

At any rate, my friend, I am here for you... .through all this confusion.  I am finding my "Willingness" to heal and live happy.  And so can you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Getoverit,

I'd like to join Gemsforeyes in encouraging you to find ways to put these things behind you in such a way that you are not hindered in your detaching by constant reminders.  Also to consider sending one final 'do not contact me any further' message or simply blocking him.  Then, as Gems says, begin to reconnect with others and involve yourself with things that bring you joy in your life.  What did you stop doing or never start that you wished you had?  It's time to attend to you and what brings you fulfilment now.  Slowly we rebuild ourselves and come out stronger.

Regards the communications themselves.  If you're unable to back up to a hard drive or other space, perhaps you could get a trusted friend to agree to have you forward everything to them to keep for you.  Maybe even a legal professional if you have one in your support network.  Then delete it all from your devices.  This act alone, much like Gems' releasing of the wrongdoings, will hopefully cause a weight to lift for you.  I made subtle alterations to the decor and furnishings in my home to make it feel like a different space, a safe space rather than a place that tormented me with memories.  These things help us to reclaim ownership of our lives and our futures.  Keep us posted on how you're doing.

Love and light x

 

[Cromwell]

I am having a very hard time detaching from my ex who I believe is borderline. It would help me tremendously, I think, if I didn't feel like I have to save his voicemails, text messages, and emails. I have been advised that I should keep any and all documentation of abuse at least until he moves on and years have passed. I am concerened that if I don't have "evidence" of his harassment that I will not be able to file a restraining order in the future. That's another thing; I don't believe that he is unhappy. I believe that he is sadistic and gets off on feeling he has power over me. It feels like the only way I can get out of the relationship is to stay in it (on his terms) and/or die. I have not seen him for months and have no interest in ever seeing him again. I truly want to purge memories of him and work on being a better person to myself so that one day I can feel good again.

Please share your thoughts on how I can best preserve what's left of my sanity. I don't want reminders of him cluttering and distracting my over stressed mind.

I condensed these elements of your post hope you dont mind. in the context, why hang around and wait and put your life on hold, tell him you want nothing to do with him, then if he ignores this, take what you already have plus anything more and get the order filed.

id suggest thinking of approaching a lawyer with what you have and have them send him a letter, that might be all that is needed, as long as you are fully decisive that you want this r/s over. I dont think this is the type of person that will just listen to you asking him nicely and hoping he will do the right thing and respect your wishes.

[MaybeMaybeNot]

To me he does not sound like borderline. He sounds like a narcissist or sociopath. There are many signs of narcissistic rage and attempts to manipulate you.

When I have reminded him of these he consistently responds with the following, "And are you going to let go of me so easily? You said you loved me. I guess YOU are the liar!" Am I missing something here?

This is classic example of blame shifting/projection. What he is trying to say is something like this: I can not believe you are strong enough to resist me! You are my possession!

I cannot be in this relationship anymore without feeling severely depressed. He once told me that he rather have me be miserable with him than happy without him.

I understand, and I am very sorry you have to go through something like this. Do not take it personally. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! I guess you understand perfectly how selfish he is acting. What he is saying is something this: You are my possession! Do not dare to resist me! If I can not have you as my possession, nobody else can!

In no less than 12 hours he was screaming at me about going ONLY if I come clean about what he "knows, but won't tell me." Huh? Again, here is an overused tactic of his where instead of following through with a plan he creates drama whereby ultimately I am held responsible for the negative outcome since it was MY idea, and MY shortcomings, and MY promise to "come clean" about whatever he is thinking/making up that I'm supposed to telepathically know... .

What he is doing is called gaslighting. Narcissists do this a lot and it can really make you question your sense of reality. What he is saying is something like this: You are my slave! I will make you question your reality so you will never resist me again. I will drive you insane. I will make you suffer! I do not want to see who I am deep down.

He has frequently accused me of things that are so bizarre that when I am in shock and quiet he says "I knew you'd have nothing to say." I pointed out that it is not an admission when I'm trying to process what just happened and he says "It is implied." When I have immediately responded to an accusation he says "The fact that you're defensive speaks volumes. Clearly you are guilty!" I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

More gaslighting and blame shifting.

I've had enough and this should have ended years ago. With counseling I'm understanding that I have enabled him and made it all too easy for him to remain unchanged. I now am of the opinion that I am indeed a trigger and can only emotionally harm him further as he associates me to his current state of unhappiness. That's another thing; I don't believe that he is unhappy. I believe that he is sadistic and gets off on feeling he has power over me. It feels like the only way I can get out of the relationship is to stay in it (on his terms) and/or die.

You won´t let him control you, and he can not stand it. I will support your decision. And when you say "stay or die" please understand that these people can be very, very dangerous. I am not here to judge, all I want to say is that your situation creeps me out as well. This is very scary stuff, and please do everything you can to keep yourself safe. Emotionally and physically.

Stay strong. The only way to get away from this situation is probably cut off all the contact. You owe him NOTHING.