I didn't figure it out soon enough

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Twenty-eight years ago, a relationship started quickly with the son of a friend. He was in town to move my elderly friend into his home 2000 miles away. The evening I met him we talked all night. Over the next 5 yrs, whenever I had a business trip to that area, I would make the effort to stay with them for an adventurous, fun, funny weekend. I received cards, letters, gifts to keep us "going". I went through a medical emergency and his gifts were constant and thoughtful. We kept this up via phone calls for a few more years until I just gave up due to the geographical distance.
Fast forward... last fall I realized I was going to be moving to within 2 hrs of him and sent a snail mail letter. He responded within the week, also via snail mail with his contact info. In January, 2018, we fell right back into our phone conversations, though this time our communication became daily and calls a few times a week. So I really only came to "know" him this year. While our lives changed some over the past 20 yrs, I was not at all prepared to find what was behind the "first impression mask" that now I realize is what I saw during each in-person visit.
As I was researching and researching unhealthy behaviors, in absolute panic that I couldn't "leave" an old friend that I had dreamed about forever... .I started becoming unhealthy myself. He shared more with me than anyone (so he said), even some of the most negative experiences I have ever been exposed to. Still now sure if I was walking on eggshells with NPD, BPD or Aspergers, I tried so hard to compassionately listen with no expectations. We had one more weekend together in April and it was nothing like they had been two decades ago. Years of emotional disregulation within him was debilitating him.  I didn't even know what to say or do as I had not yet figured how how to recommend therapy. Then less than 6 weeks later, after an emotionally draining phone call and a few misunderstood emails, he disappeared. After a week of his no contact, I called and asked the local sheriff 2,000 miles away (I still haven't sold my home to move there) to do a wellness check. Unfortunately, 24 hours after our email exchange, he and his motorcycle veered off the road, down an embankment and hit a tree. He was not wearing a helmut - it was secured to the sidecar. Just a few weeks ago, I was in that sidecar.
My grief and recovery is mixed depending on whether I tell myself "it was an accident" or "it was intentional".  I do know that I am better when I just say "God said NO" to our ever being together geographically.
Any insight or suggestions for more rapid healing are appreciated.

[SuCanDo]

Twenty-eight years ago, a relationship started quickly with the son of a friend. He was in town to move my elderly friend into his home 2000 miles away. The evening I met him we talked all night. Over the next 5 yrs, whenever I had a business trip to that area, I would make the effort to stay with them for an adventurous, fun, funny weekend. I received cards, letters, gifts to keep us "going". I went through a medical emergency and his gifts were constant and thoughtful. We kept this up via phone calls for a few more years until I just gave up due to the geographical distance.
Fast forward... last fall I realized I was going to be moving to within 2 hrs of him and sent a snail mail letter. He responded within the week, also via snail mail with his contact info. In January, 2018, we fell right back into our phone conversations, though this time our communication became daily and calls a few times a week. So I really only came to "know" him this year. While our lives changed some over the past 20 yrs, I was not at all prepared to find what was behind the "first impression mask" that now I realize is what I saw during each in-person visit.
As I was researching and researching unhealthy behaviors, in absolute panic that I couldn't "leave" an old friend that I had dreamed about forever... .I started becoming unhealthy myself. He shared more with me than anyone (so he said), even some of the most negative experiences I have ever been exposed to. Still now sure if I was walking on eggshells with NPD, BPD or Aspergers, I tried so hard to compassionately listen with no expectations. We had one more weekend together in April and it was nothing like they had been two decades ago. Years of emotional disregulation within him was debilitating him.  I didn't even know what to say or do as I had not yet figured how how to recommend therapy. Then less than 6 weeks later, after an emotionally draining phone call and a few misunderstood emails, he disappeared. After a week of his no contact, I called and asked the local sheriff 2,000 miles away (I still haven't sold my home to move there) to do a wellness check. Unfortunately, 24 hours after our email exchange, he and his motorcycle veered off the road, down an embankment and hit a tree. He was not wearing a helmut - it was secured to the sidecar. Just a few weeks ago, I was in that sidecar.
My grief and recovery is mixed depending on whether I tell myself "it was an accident" or "it was intentional".  I do know that I am better when I just say "God said NO" to our ever being together geographically.
Any insight or suggestions for more rapid healing are appreciated.

[uni_all]

Any insight or suggestions for more rapid healing are appreciated

Sorry for your loss, though it also sounds like you may have dodged something really challenging in the future. You may want to Google search GriefShare and see if their program might offer something for you. If it interests you, you can search for groups in your area, a lot of churches sponsor them as a community outreach. The GriefShare program has books, videos, small groups, and the people I know that have participated have been greatly benefited. It is something to consider... .Best wishes, you will find what you need... .

[Gemsforeyes]

My dear SuCanDo-
I am deeply sorry for your sadness and your loss.  And I’m deeply sorry for his lifelong struggles.  It seems his illness took the best of him years before you reunited.  And he was telling these things to you.  Your grief lies in both the man you knew 20+ years ago, but also in this man you recently came to know, and who he no longer was.

I’m not certain there is a way to fast forward through your grief and healing, but I do believe that “GOD said No” applies no matter the circumstances of his passing.

The one true thing is this... .you came back to him and he knew that.  Where countless others over the years had either not stood by him for whatever reasons (no matter whose “fault”), or he was unable to sustain relationships; you came back.

He knew you had always dreamed of him.  He knew you listened with compassion, an open heart and love for him.

Many of us spend years trying to figure out why our relationships are so painful before we finally google the proper phrase; and by that time we are worn to a wisp of who we used to be.   So please don’t blame yourself for not “knowing”.  Most of us who “know” are completely helpless in changing anything at all.

Sometimes we grieve while still IN the relationship, and sometimes we are forced to leave and we grieve then.  It all takes time.  The edges of your grief will soften.  In time.

I sincerely hope you find comfort in the fact that he knew he was loved and cared for when he passed.  Yea... .sometimes GOD says No... .

Please talk to us about anything that comes to your mind.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Harri]

Hi SuCanDo and welcome to the board.  I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here though I am glad you are reaching out.  We have a lot of very supportive people here who understand and can relate to the relationship the two of you did have. 

Gemsforeyes said: 

I’m not certain there is a way to fast forward through your grief and healing, but I do believe that “GOD said No” applies no matter the circumstances of his passing.

I agree.  It sounds like you may never know for sure if it was an accident or suicide.  I imagine that must be very hard, with endless questions and I am so sorry for that.

Please keep talking here. 

[Harley Quinn]

I'd like to welcome you to our community and say that I am so very glad that you are reaching out for support.  What you have been through and are going through is deeply upsetting for you.  It must be difficult to talk about this and doing so is an important part of healthily working through the emotions that will come up for you, so well done on having the courage to write and help yourself.  We are here for you and will listen to anything you need to get off your chest. 

Please know you did your best and more than many could by listening compassionately and not judging or having expectations of him.  It must have been very hard to hear what you did.  It sounds like some of it was quite disturbing.     
 
 uni_all has recommended Griefshare, and I can also say that I have heard very good things about the benefits of getting involved and I hope that you will look into this in your area.  At times like this we cannot have too much support.  Who else are you able to speak to about this and share your feelings with? 

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi SuCanDo,

Im sorry for your loss  You have a lot of good advice from the others I just wanted to join them to welcome you to famil. You’re not alone. Hang in there.

[SuCanDo]

Thank you all for your kind words and sharing of sympathy. It has been quite the learning, grieving, enlightening journey. Just reading your thoughts has allowed a paradigm shift in so many ways:
Having him know I came back and listened, then showed up, then listened more is comforting. We should all die knowing we were loved 

This is another of life's learning moments and will be cherished as such. No hurry working through the stages, and come here to keep learning in case I cross paths with another needing understanding and acceptance.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear SuCanDo-
Sending love to you... .

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Harley Quinn]

Hi SuCanDo,

I'm so glad that you're not rushing to get through the stages.  Grief has it's own way of unfolding and we must allow it space to do just that.  Are you taking good care of yourself?  Spending time with friends and loved ones?  We're here for you any time you need to talk. 

Love and light x