Need help understanding if I have been discarded

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello--I think I have been thrown from the roller coaster but am not even sure. I need the wisdom of the BPD family to help me understand!

I had been trying to slowly detach from my pwBPD since February, when she hit me (again) and started cheating on me with a man. She had indicated to me then that she wanted to be single and we had no future (she had previously asked me to marry her and have children) but that she could not move out because she was financially dependent on me. And needed my support (mentally) to help her finish her degree.

She finished her degree (with my support in spite of everything) and I packed her things for her and her mom co-signed so she could move out on her own. She insisted she would be over all the time, and didn't really want to break up with me, and yet also said she would keep me around as a partner until she felt okay about herself.

This was all mind-bending for me (she became very very loving the month before she moved out) especially since after she moved out she again said she wanted children and that nothing had changed between us (although it had -- we now spent very little time together, except when she wanted me to sleep over to make sure she got up for work).

Anyway, she started to go to meetings and go out socially with work people (after a full year of lying on the sofa refusing to go anywhere or even let me leave the room sometimes) so she seemed very different. I was leaving for a month on a trip and had got her to promise she would spend my last weekend with me. Three days beforehand she said she would be going out with friends from work instead, and when I was upset she said she might cancel on them but what excuse could she give (they don't know about me). Then on the Friday she texted me to say she was going to be with them and wouldn't see me at all. (I am fairly certain she has lined up at least one of these men to replace me--even though she is supposed to be a lesbian).

Since then she texted about five times in all, over two days (she is permanently glued to her phone so that is nothing) and one of the texts wished me a happy trip. That's it. I've been gone a week now and nothing from her.

I assume I have been discarded. I feel very confused because there was no real fight, no announcement, nothing. Just silence. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

I also feel confused because I was actually trying to safely detach (was trying to avoid any more violence to my person, things, or reputation) but now it appears to have happened I don't even know if it is real.

Any insights would be so appreciated.

[Waveney]

Hello--I think I have been thrown from the roller coaster but am not even sure. I need the wisdom of the BPD family to help me understand!

I had been trying to slowly detach from my pwBPD since February, when she hit me (again) and started cheating on me with a man. She had indicated to me then that she wanted to be single and we had no future (she had previously asked me to marry her and have children) but that she could not move out because she was financially dependent on me. And needed my support (mentally) to help her finish her degree.

She finished her degree (with my support in spite of everything) and I packed her things for her and her mom co-signed so she could move out on her own. She insisted she would be over all the time, and didn't really want to break up with me, and yet also said she would keep me around as a partner until she felt okay about herself.

This was all mind-bending for me (she became very very loving the month before she moved out) especially since after she moved out she again said she wanted children and that nothing had changed between us (although it had -- we now spent very little time together, except when she wanted me to sleep over to make sure she got up for work).

Anyway, she started to go to meetings and go out socially with work people (after a full year of lying on the sofa refusing to go anywhere or even let me leave the room sometimes) so she seemed very different. I was leaving for a month on a trip and had got her to promise she would spend my last weekend with me. Three days beforehand she said she would be going out with friends from work instead, and when I was upset she said she might cancel on them but what excuse could she give (they don't know about me). Then on the Friday she texted me to say she was going to be with them and wouldn't see me at all. (I am fairly certain she has lined up at least one of these men to replace me--even though she is supposed to be a lesbian).

Since then she texted about five times in all, over two days (she is permanently glued to her phone so that is nothing) and one of the texts wished me a happy trip. That's it. I've been gone a week now and nothing from her.

I assume I have been discarded. I feel very confused because there was no real fight, no announcement, nothing. Just silence. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

I also feel confused because I was actually trying to safely detach (was trying to avoid any more violence to my person, things, or reputation) but now it appears to have happened I don't even know if it is real.

Any insights would be so appreciated.

[Cromwell]

Hi Waveney

In my own case I was good friends with pwBPD and after about 4 months of seeing each other maybe once a week, and talking and texting on a daily basis, she just disappeared without a trace.

6 months later she contacted me out of nowhere, I found out she had got into a relationship in that time, cut nearly everyone out of her life overnight and then re-established contacts again when it failed - yet she needed emotional support which is why she contacted me. So yes, you can expect to just leave out of your life without any "notice" given.

[Harley Quinn]

she could not move out because she was financially dependent on me. And needed my support (mentally) to help her finish her degree.

also said she would keep me around as a partner until she felt OK about herself 

she wanted me to sleep over to make sure she got up for work.
she seemed very different.

she texted me to say she was going to be with them and wouldn't see me at all.

I've been gone a week now and nothing from her.

I assume I have been discarded.

I've captured a few key points to break this down.  It looks like she had needs that she wanted met and sounds like you were accepting of these, whilst trying to detach.  From the point where she had her own place, things changed and she still wanted a little from you, despite saying words which weren't reflected in her actions.  It's quite possible that she had been building relationships with others in the meantime in a bid to get on her feet, in whatever guise that comes for her.

I'd say that the phrase I highlighted holds your biggest clue.  Her silence if it is out of the ordinary would suggest she is feeling OK about herself.  How do you feel about that?  Do you think you were pulled back in and became more emotionally invested again?

Love and light x 

[Waveney]

I'd say that the phrase I highlighted holds your biggest clue.  Her silence if it is out of the ordinary would suggest she is feeling OK about herself.  How do you feel about that?  Do you think you were pulled back in and became more emotionally invested again?

Thank you Harley Quin, This is helpful. It helps to see it as her feeling OK and doing what she said, which was to keep me around until she did.

I think you are right: I was pulled back in because she was so loving to me and although I had predicted she would move on quickly it didn't seem to be happening the way I expected it to.

I am also really struggling with mixed feelings. I am RELIEVED to be free and able to pursue my own life. However, because she seems so functional now and OK with herself I cannot make sense of the last year at all. I felt powerless while we lived together because I was waiting for her to leave and trying to avoid the violence and danger to my professional reputation. But now that she seems to have moved on so easily, and is so functional, I feel that I must be insane. That that year could not possibly have happened -- why couldn't she function then? Why did she treat me so horrifically?

On this site people talk about how the pwBPD is impulsive and basically trying to manage their feelings in the moment, but hers seem so calculated: she used me when we lived together, controlled me through threats (including suicide threats), and told me once she moved out she would soon feel better and then be done with me. And all of that has happened. So where's the impulsivity and trying to cope? It doesn't seem to have been a factor even though she often justified her actions on the basis of being impulsive.

Thanks for listening.

[Waveney]

And thank you Cromwell. I find it quite a stunning experience. When she contacted you again how did you react?

[Harley Quinn]

Yes I can see how that would be confusing.  I think the best way to explain the 'soon feeling better' part is the likelihood of her forming a new attachment and having someone to idealise.  The life cycle of a BPD r/s can vary, but the reality is that the phases tend to be the same and occur in each of the sufferer's r/s's.  Those being the idealisation, devaluation, discard.  If she was in devaluation stage, then she was possibly fully aware that a new attachment would bring with it that 'first flush' that she values so highly. 

It could be a new friendship, or a new romantic r/s.  My ex began to reconnect with family members he'd cut out of his life for years and I noticed that his new friendships were 'the best people he'd ever met and the ones he would follow anywhere' sort of friendships.  He was forming new attachments, feeling good, on a high.  Sounds like she knows herself well and has repeated this cycle probably many times over.  Of course the devaluation will eventually follow, but she was right in that when she starts over again, she no doubt feels much better.  Does it help to know it was never really about you?  It is a pattern of behaviour driven by the fears that come with her disorder.

If you've not read the article yet on How a BPD Relationship Evolves, this goes into more detail on the above stages of a r/s and might be helpful.  You'll find it HERE  Let me know if anything resonates with you.

Love and light x

[Cromwell]

And thank you Cromwell. I find it quite a stunning experience. When she contacted you again how did you react?

I was a bit confused at first but quite happy go lucky to talk to her again, she sent a message from her new number saying "guess who" type of thing and I went and saw her I think on the same evening. She had noticeably put on quite a bit of weight and wasnt the same as before, was like id never seen that dejected vision of her, in her bodylanguage. So I never felt it was right to confront her, but we got a long great like before she left and she kept wanting to see me more regularly.

In summary, she got a new relationship, cut lots of people out her life (myself included), then when it fell apart becomes depressed and start to find emotional support. I dont know why they cut people out and disappear without a trace but it is not unusual from what ive read on here.

[Cromwell]

If you've not read the article yet on How a BPD Relationship Evolves, this goes into more detail on the above stages of a r/s and might be helpful.  You'll find it HERE  Let me know if anything resonates with you.

Love and light x

Really interesting article, thanks Harley Quinn