On A Salvage Mission: Unstable Husband, Autistic Son, Strain in marriage

[Danielle79]

Hi; this is my first post. My husband was diagnosed in April of this year with BPD and since then I've been taking a very close look at our marriage and realizing how ridiculously far I've gone at times to keep the peace in our household, going as far as to lose/strain relationships with friends and family, ignore my own needs, and bend over backward to keep him 'happy'. Our son is autistic and, as you can imagine, this doesn't always bring out the best in my husband or myself as we try to navigate the school system and our son's social/relational difficulties, especially as he gets older. Our 'perfect' veneer is shattered and my husband has grown increasingly angry/unstable as time has gone on. I want to help him; I don't want to leave him in his time of need. But our intimacy is gone as I attempt to distance myself from the abuse/manipulation and I am emotionally exhausted. I just need some support, to feel like I'm not alone in my struggle. My family is angry and wants me to separate from him, but I don't feel ready for that and the pressure from them makes me feel distant from them, too. And, of course, I'm trying to figure out what would be best for my son. My husband hasn't worked for three years and has applied for disability. We should know soon whether he is approved or not. I feel like I'm waiting for him to have some financial independence before I even consider separating. I don't know what to do. I don't know what is best. I'm tired and confused.

Thanks for letting me rant :-)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Danielle79 and

wow, youre really being pulled in all different directions, huh? thats a lot of strain.

im glad you took the step to post here. you are certainly not alone in your struggle. a good, strong support system is really critical in weathering and navigating these emotionally challenging relationships, coupled with all of lifes other stressors. have you considered seeing a therapist?

how old is your son? what does your support there look like?

[isilme]

Hi there,

 .

You've found a good place to speak about this with people who won't just tell you to divorce or leave.  We've all been in similar boats, on similar oceans, and understand that the crazy, as bad as it can get, is not the sum total of that person at all times, otherwise, you'd not have fallen in love with them in the first place.  We get in a relationship with Bruce Banner, only to find the Hulk is part of the package.

I think one reason people tell us to simply leave, get divorced, whatever, is they want to just "fix it" and move one.  It's uncomfortable for them to try to wrap their heads around complex interpersonal issues.  "Just leave already" so they don't have to feel bad about it.   Here's an "easy" solution to really complex issues (and frankly, he's the father of your son, even divorce won't "solve it".  So I come here, and don't even try to talk openly or un an unvarnished way with friends and certainly not with family.  I may let people know "we had a disagreement/fight, so I'm a little off today."  BUt not the extent and disproportionate level of that fight, the silly cause that would never get that bad if BPD was not an issue or the levels of rage that can occur over very small things.  

Step one - you can't keep him "happy".  You can work to not escalate your side of things, but that is ALL you can really do.  I'd look at the lessons and see what one or two things you think will work for you - this is all baby steps.  You have to retrain a little to respond in ways that protect you and establish boundaries not around controlling his behavior, but around protecting your feelings regardless of his behavoir.

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

I'm very codependent, so this is hard for me - it feels mean" to set boundaries, or even to have to treat my H like a child.  But sometimes his emotions drag him into childhood, and I can't try to fix that for him, only he can do it.

I hope you find solace here.  

[lanman31337]

I seriously could have written this exact post. Male here with autistic son, wife with BPD/BP. I can absolutely relate to the autism causing strain to a relationship.

[Danielle79]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply :-) I was actually waiting for email notifications (I'veneverusedamessageboarddon'tjudgeme) so I thought maybe this board was dead. I'm glad it isn't!

once removed: my son has an EA who comes to our home/takes him into the community and he is listed as an exceptional student in a mainstream school, tho he will be attending an ASD class in Sept for Gr 6. My parents and in-laws are a great help, as well.

It's so good to hear that I'm not alone and that I'm not the only one who isn't looking to simply jump ship out of a complicated situation (as if that would 'solve everything'. I do still love him and want to keep our home together. Building boundaries while trying not to be his mother is a daily struggle, especially when he blames me for things I shouldn't be responsible for. And the sudden chasm between us is scary and uncomfortable for both of us. But he wants to try. He doesn't really understand yet what a life with boundaries looks like but he doesn't want our life together to be over, either. Whether this is out of love or fear of abandonment I dare not guess, but I'll take it for now :-)

[pearlsw]

Hi lanman31337 and Danielle79,

Glad you have met! Keep posting and sharing - it's great when are all helping each other. No need to be alone in our difficult situations.

We look forward to learning from you and vice versa!

wishing you the best, pearl.