I'm finding this makes all the difference. Pre-BP experience I've never needed for people around me to provide the kind of emotional support, consideration and compliments about my personality that I've been needing of late. Maybe it's my ego strength or maybe it's a flaw -- I can be defensive and am working on this -- but regardless... .I'm a strong, opinionated individual and it's hard to shake me up. My relationship w/exH (20s to early 30s) started out codependent early on and by the end this enmeshment was uncomfortable... .in short I outgrew it.
The experience with BP ex-bf (I may refer to him as Whats-his-name or WHN for short
shook me up quite a bit. I've felt a lot of confusion and stress, had a hard time focusing, hard time making decisions, some days to the point of paralysis. It's impacted my work and made me doubt my professional competency. The abandonment without explanation was one thing, but it's relatively easy to get past that because sometimes the timing is off and it isn't until you get a few months in with someone that you learn they're really not over their ex. But then the calls and the emotional stuff sent anonymously through SM -- it kept him in my head, which served his needs but interfered with my ability to move on to new r/s.
The season I'm in is bouncing around -- sometimes my vulnerability is on my sleeve and at other times I'm more of a pugilist. Maybe I'll settle into a more consistent mode as I heal. I saw one counselor who came highly recommended, a trauma recovery specialist, for help recovering from the cyber stalking and she actually said she was not sure whether she believed me. I told her that remark was artless and unhelpful, as there are other ways to test out someone's veracity and the validity of their experiences... .namely give it time and listen to the details. I concluded that she was either too ego-driven or lacked the skills to aid me and basically said, "you're fired."
She sent an apology via email.
I have no use for people in my life who pull at me by doubting my experience or critiquing me unfairly -- fairly is another matter, if I say or do something hurtful to you I want to hear about it. But a lot of people will swat at you because they feel powerless or down -- their own agenda. I'm getting better at discerning which is which.
The reward for this stepping back from unsupportive people is that a whole new type of friend (and T) coming into this space. People have appeared in my life who say deep and positive things about me that either are new feedback about the new me, or perhaps I'm just now ready to hear them.
An aside: In one of our last conversations before she passed, 12 years ago now, my mother told me "you're like your father -- you've always been so strong," but she did not mean it as a compliment... .she meant that she felt threatened by me.
After the above incident with the T I found a new prospective T and vetted her on the phone. I told her about my experiences, and what the other counselor said, and this new T chuckled and said she had no doubt about what was happening. She's turned out to be just the person I needed. We've now had about a dozen sessions and she recently told me I'm one of the strongest people she knows, she said "you're extremely resilient, courageous, smart and I have no doubt that if you commit to accomplishing something, you're going to make it happen."
Now I've had loving and healing people in my life but never has someone said something like that to me. It's wonderful. Part of me doubts this a bit, "really? really?" but on another level I'm letting this in and believing it.
Other friends have said similar things, and I've decided they're keepers.
This is a long post, thanks for reading. Throwing it back to the members... .
What compliments have people told you recently, and do you believe them? Is it hard to receive positive feedback, or can you hang onto the words and even replay them to reinforce the good things other see in you?
What are your experiences with bringing more positive people into your life, people who mirror back to you and appreciate your good qualities?
