Am I grieving or regressing?

[CryWolf]

I have been in a hard place lately. I miss her, but I don't miss the abuse.
Most of you know, me and and my BPD ex broke up in early December 2017. She has been in NC/silent treatment with me since January.  

I have contacted her a few times but have been left on read. She enjoys the power and control. She wanted to remain friends and I told her no, because i wanted more. And I couldnt handle her telling me we're just friends one moment then being in love with me the next. She even said she loves power and control on her own blog when I used to read it so constantly. I haven't had any forms of connection with her for over 2 months now. No checking her social media, or people connected to her. This has helped tremendously in moving on.

Once I almost felt that I completely detached, I felt amazing and confident the past 2 months. I have been meeting new people, traveling, experiences, dating. Things have been great. I have done so many things that I could never have done with my ex.

However, the past week, I feel that I am regressing. I am missing her again, I can only remember the good times and memories. I justify the bad ones with BPD and how its not her. I started taking on some blame again. It's not healthy, and I miss her. I blame myself that I let her devalue and lose respect for me. I am lost in limbo.

I blame myself that if I was stronger and more understanding maybe this would have worked. I am replaying all the memories we've had together. I am replaying the bad ones and how she was dissociating. I know it has nothing to do with me, per say, but I feel responsible. I didn't realize how codependent I became. I completely became distant the last few months of the relationship and blame myself I wasnt there for her like I once was. I got tired of being hurt, and I blame myself for this.

I am building a scenario in my head where she's now dating my classmate (I only saw one pic he posted of her). And blocked him immediately. I am telling myself how they are happy together. She finally started seeing a school therapist towards the end of our r/s and I tell myself she is going to be healthy and happy with this guy, when she couldnt with me. I queston how she couldnt see all I did for her. Me going out of my way all the time for her, to make her happy. Yet, she left me like I never meant anything. I feel so devalued.

She let him post her picture on social media when she never let me do that because of how insecure she was of her looks. This guy isn't even her type. A part of me thinks she let him post her because she knows we followed each other on instagram and she used to stalk/check my instagram all the time. Another part of this, is it happened right after I dated this new girl and my friend told mutual friends of my ex. I am not sure.

I dated a nonBPD for a month. She left, and I was okay. Then 3 weeks later came back, and left out of nowhere after apologizing and giving me the "i like you and want to be with you, im so sorry" talk. This, made me take 10 steps back and feel everything for my exBPD again. All the emotions and memories started to come again of my ex. I think its because, I thought me and this nonBPD girl were going to become serious and she told me she wanted a r/s with me. I think it has to do with me opening my heart again and then crushed again.

I just want this pain and questioning of "why couldnt my ex see my worth/why couldnt see stay?"  or "why wasnt i good enough?" ---> she told me a few times ("do you ever wonder why i dont say I love you?" or ("maybe you just arent good enough" She made me so insecure and anxious. I am learning to love myself and regain myself worth.  

I miss her. I miss company. I miss my bestfriend. But I dont know who she was anymore. I dont know what our relationship was.

My mantra at the moment is becoming the best version of myself, and not let the abuse she entailed on me to consume me. It becomes hard at times. But I am trying. its been almost 7 months since the break up.

[CryWolf]

She also told me how her therapist said I was controlling. My exBPD also accused me of ruining all her progress. She also called me a narc and manipulator.

I asked my therapist if I am any of those, and he said no.

[Harley Quinn]

CryWolf it's OK at 7 months to be where you are. That's not a long time to recover from a disordered r/s. I'm typing this quickly before my son wakes up and will be back with more later but wanted to respond to you as I know how it is to find ourselves questioning our progress.

Think of it in terms of how many attempts it took to perfect the light bulb. You have made progress and part of that may come from realising what doesn't work so well for you in your recovery.  After any loss there is a period of grieving to be done and this varies from person to person, as do the ways we handle that.

You've achieved a lot and it's OK to feel like you've taken a backwards step. It happens to many of us. What that may be saying is that there is still more processing to be done, which is a good thing. You don't want to carry this stuff forwards with you. My suggestion would be to put dating on hold and take time to focus on you right now. You have healing to do and being thorough will benefit yourself and any future partners. That's not to say that what you've done has been wrong. In fact your journey has led you right to where you are, which is a positive thing. I know it sucks, but you know what you need to work through. It sounds like she tapped into some core wounds which is true for many of us if we are able to identify them. Sit with this.

What does your therapist say about what you're experiencing? Could you take a look at the lessons and see what resonates with you right now? I'd love to hear where you feel you are in the process. It's good to take stock.

Going backwards is all part of moving forwards so go easy on yourself and give yourself kindness and patience. Your mantra sounds great. Maybe shift the 'don't let' part into something you do want. Always frame what you focus on positively if you're a law of attraction person. Meantime keep talking to us. We will walk with you 

Love and light x

[Cromwell]

She also told me how her therapist said I was controlling. My exBPD also accused me of ruining all her progress. She also called me a narc and manipulator.

I asked my therapist if I am any of those, and he said no.

I find it highly unlikely there is much truth in any of this. Even if there was, her therapist doesnt know you at all, your ex is her client and the therapist can only take at face value what they are told, ie, one side of the story.

I could go to therapy and paint my ex black, embellish it, and vicariously get sympathy and validation of being a victim.

I dont bother because I already know in the big picture Im the victim, dont need external validation. thats not to say i have been an angel in the r/s, but it is ultimately about the big picture and incorporating all the facts of what happened. Only possible when you get both sides of the story. So id disregard what she said to you by her trying to bring a 3rd party (triangulation) in again.