Back again - this is SO scary, daughter is in jail, dont know what to do

[allmydays]

Hello!

I'm a former member coming back for advice.  

My daughter is 21 and was diagnosed at the age of 15.  She's had her good times and she's had her REALLY bad times.  We are discovering the consequences from her last really bad time and we don't know how much to help and how much to watch.

History:

Many many suicide attempts - lost track at 10+
Many hospitalizations

December 2017

She was doing so very well and we were so proud of her.  She had a job (part time) and she bought a car with a great big car loan.  Her behavior was stable and it had been over a year since she had been hospitalized.  Her behavior was so good that we offered to pay for college if she wanted.


January 2018:

She started hanging out with a homeless bum and bringing him to our house.  She snuck him in a couple of nights so he can sleep.  We explained that he's likely to get shot if we ran into him in the middle of the night wihtout knowing he was there. She apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.  We explained that all we know about him is that he's homeless and he should not be in the house unless we are home and awake.

We found proof he had been in the house again and I dug out the security cameras and put them on the shelf in my closet because I was going to charge them and put them up when I got home from work that day.  I get home and go to get the cameras.  They're gone.  I told my daughter she can't be in the house anymore since she's going to bring her scumbag friends in the house and steal from me.

One month later:

She calls and is apologetic and crying and begging.  She lost her job because she had to much anxiety to go to work and her car was in the shop and she didn't have money to get it out.  She was behind on her car payment and her insurance.  We made a deal that we would pay enough to get the car out of the shop, 1 car payment and 2 insurance payments for approximately $1500.00 and she would get a job and we would figure out a re-payment schedule once we saw how much she could afford to pay.  

The next day:
She was gone... .I called to see where she was and found she took a trip to the other side of the state with a friend (yes the same scumbag who stole my cameras with her) and would be back by midnight.  

We told her she needed to stay home until she got a job and the code to get in the house would be changed.  She could no longer come and go as she pleased.  She decided not to come back home and she lived in her car for another month.

Rinse - Repeat 4-5 times... .except for the money part.  We told her that she would probably lose her car if she refused to get a job and we would not help again.

3 weeks ago:
Her last time back home.  She told me she was scared to get a job because there was probably an arrest warrant and she didn't want the police to find her.  I checked with a police friend and he said there were no warrants but they could be issued at anytime.

2 Days later (memorial day weekend)
She went to the store on Saturday at 3:30pm and didn't come back.  We texted her After about 36 hourswe texted any friends that we had a number for but no response from anyone.

3:30am on the Tuesday after Memorial Day we got a call from the police saying she had warrants out (apparently they were issued the day after my friend checked).  One of her wonderful new friends had a machine that made credit cards and my daughter and some others were taking the cards and shopping and/or going to a bank to get cash advances.  My daughter was one of the really smart ones who took her drivers license into the bank and a fake credit card with her name on it and got cash advances.

She is still in jail because we won't bond her out.  She has her next hearing in a little over a week from now and we've been told they may let her out... .possibly house arrest or OR.  She's been calling and she wants money put on her jail account.  We've given her 20 per week which is more than she deserves but less than she wants... .

We don't know what to do.  We live far away from public transportation.  It's going to be REAL hard for her to get a job with credit card fraud charges.  She's going to be sitting on her behind demanding we go here and there and give her this and that.  There will probably be suicide attempts.  It all seems so scary and SO much.

We're not sure where to go from here.  I appreciate any thoughts or advise from my fellow BPD parents!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Welcome back allmydays  

I'm so sorry, and just when your daughter was doing so well and stable, I can well understand how gutted and overwhelmed you must feel. I am glad you've come back for support.

I agree with you it's hard to know how much to help and how much to watch. She's feeling the consequences of her actions, how's she taken it? Is she remorseful? Have you been given any indication of the sentence she'll receive? You mention house arrest.

It is scary, at this point I think I'd be offering my DD emotional support SHE CAN get herself out of this hole she's made and help her problem solve.

Hugs to you, small steps, we are here for you.

WDx

[MomMae]

Welcome back to the parent's forum, but oh my gosh, allmydays, I am so sorry for all that you have been through with your daughter recently.  I understand.  Though my daughter is stable right now, reading your story I can so clearly remember those crazy, horrible, days of distraught and despair!  And I know, at the unexpected drop of a hat, we could be right back there, where you are, as we never know what could be a trigger for deregulation.  My daughter just started working again after 18 months of getting stable and I am vigilant and cognizant to the fact that we could be in your shoes again if this doesn't go well.

I don't have a lot to offer at the moment besides empathy, allmydays.  Just wanted to respond and say, I understand and I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a distressing situation with your daughter.  I am glad that you decided to come back to BPD family group to find some perspective and help as it really is the place for us parents to find non-judgemental support and understanding... .We wish we didn't have to be here, but are ever so glad there is a place where others get it. 

  MomMae

[Merlot]

Hi allmydays

we don't know how much to help and how much to watch.

Welcome back, I am relatively new here but have found much solace in speaking with other members.  Sounds like you have been and are still going through the ringer.  I'm very sorry to hear your story.

I will say though, that it sounds like you have been watching and setting some pretty firm boundaries; it must be so hard but good on you.   Only you know how much to help; that is every parent's individual journey. 

I know my DD27, told me that I stood by aimlessly and watched her break but in reality she couldn't accept that the situation she found herself in was all of her own doing.  I have been NC for 6 months but even so, I can't rescue her from herself.

I can't imagine how difficult contemplating futher suicide attempts must be for you.  One day at a time, and I hope you are doing ok and keep coming to share

Thinking of you
Merlot

[Cromwell]

maybe this is the lesson she needed to learn for herself as to consequences for behaviour. sounds like she was heavily influenced by this guy, do you know what the purpose of all this fraud was, any sign of drug use? if that has not been a dimension of her life before, it is something that id be concerned about. whats happened to him? You have to get this guy out of her life.

this could be a turning point towards a better future if it is handled the right way - she can still get a job regardless of her fraud charges, its not the end of the world but she needs to take it as a wake up call. the danger is the idea of getting out, telling herself getting a job or going on the right path is pointless, and instead getting into further trouble under this guys influence.

20 is not as much as she wants? what a cheek. jail is not supposed to be a nice experience, she should be grateful you are doing anything for her. id try get her out of jail though before she becomes too influenced by the PDs in there, if she gets bailed out by you from this experience too easily it will be seen as a small newfound "occupational hazard" of future career criminal. Id give the option to come home under the court conditions but dont make it sound as if you are doing it out of anxiety for her wellbeing, make her realise that its up to her to promise she will keep by the rules and if not this is the last time. It sounds like she was making good progress until she encountered this "strong" personality and is being swayed by it, not fully mature enough to see the consequences. He will no doubt convince her that this is not a big deal and when she comes out he has the next hair-brained plan that will outsmart society. In short, she is being manipulated and you must do all that you can to get her away from such influences.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi Allmydays,

I'm so sorry! That sounds terrible.

My daughter was arrested last year. We were relieved because we knew she was safe while she was in there. She was only in 3 days though.

There are a lot of programs for people with mental health diagnoses who have been incarcerated. I would do some Googling. I agree with Cromwell, hopefully this will be the lesson she needed. But it might not be. My daughter got worse (not with law but other things) for months before she started to turn it around. A huge part of her turning it around was us not helping her, at all. We gave her a minimal amount of money for food and that was pretty much it.

If you could find some kind of program for her that you don't have to pay for, that would be ideal. It seems easier to find transitional housing and supportive housing etc for people who have been incarcerated than anyone else. It's really unfortunate that things can't be more preventative.

If at all possible can you do something nice for yourself while she is still in jail? I know it's very stressful but she is safe for now, I hope you can take care of yourself a bit.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

How are you doing?