Feeling hopeless again, and I blame her.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So a lot of you have heard me talking about me living alone, and not having that many people around. Well, I do have friends it's not like I have NO friends, but it seems harder and harder for me to keep them no matter what I do for them.  

Seems like everyone gets away with anything and I make one mistake and lose friendships over the drop of a hat.  I am not sure why this happens to me.  I must just be chosing the wrong people to try to be friends with, but I also don't know how to chose the right people because I am the type of person that gives everyone a chance.  I'm starting to lose that tho.  I use to laugh all the time be super outgoing and happy for no reason.  Now all I feel is despair and loneliness.  

I also can't seem to find a new job and that is dragging me down too.  

I just feel so hopeless.  I blame her because my life after the break up which was 3 years ago spiraled out of control.  I realize alcohol might be part of the problem, and I'm vowing to cut back on it a lot, but after losing her I started drinking more and more to help cure my pain.  I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic, but I'm probably headed in that direction.  

Being alone in my house I have nothing else to do and I get really bored.  I have a hobby which is art, but I don't always feel motivated to work on something.  Being depressed doesn't help.  I need a new hobby, but nothing seems exciting and idk where to start with anything.  Was thinking cooking, but I can't get myself to get off the couch.

Idk what to do. I'm seeing a therapist on Monday.

[Shedd]

So a lot of you have heard me talking about me living alone, and not having that many people around. Well, I do have friends it's not like I have NO friends, but it seems harder and harder for me to keep them no matter what I do for them.  

Seems like everyone gets away with anything and I make one mistake and lose friendships over the drop of a hat.  I am not sure why this happens to me.  I must just be chosing the wrong people to try to be friends with, but I also don't know how to chose the right people because I am the type of person that gives everyone a chance.  I'm starting to lose that tho.  I use to laugh all the time be super outgoing and happy for no reason.  Now all I feel is despair and loneliness.  

I also can't seem to find a new job and that is dragging me down too.  

I just feel so hopeless.  I blame her because my life after the break up which was 3 years ago spiraled out of control.  I realize alcohol might be part of the problem, and I'm vowing to cut back on it a lot, but after losing her I started drinking more and more to help cure my pain.  I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic, but I'm probably headed in that direction.  

Being alone in my house I have nothing else to do and I get really bored.  I have a hobby which is art, but I don't always feel motivated to work on something.  Being depressed doesn't help.  I need a new hobby, but nothing seems exciting and idk where to start with anything.  Was thinking cooking, but I can't get myself to get off the couch.

Idk what to do. I'm seeing a therapist on Monday.

[Cromwell]

Hi Shedd

i know what its like to feel defeated in energy, and thats ok, getting rest from what youve been through is important. but at the same time, try and get yourself to do as much as you can, even how trivial it might be. Theres no need to lose hope even though I know how it can feel at the time. Youll get back to your formerly happy self, it isnt lost, youve just hit one of those ruts and who knows where your future will lead once your out of it and healed from it.

wishing you best for your therapist meeting on Monday. In the meantime, dont feel too awkward about chilling out or having to push yourself beyond what feels right. The sort of thing youve been through can knock the wind out of anyones sails.

Cooking, particularly baking is very therapeutic. Once you start, youll find the energy for it comes with it, have some music on in the background and glass of wine in easy reach. highly recommend it.

Baking is great fun and if you like art, it is something you can be infinitely creative with.

Also I guarantee you that if you are a good cook, it simultaneously solves the not having enough friends problem  

[BeagleGirl]

I just feel so hopeless.  I blame her because my life after the break up which was 3 years ago spiraled out of control.
 

Shedd,
I'm very sorry that you are in this dark place right now.  I have been there.  It SUCKS.  I'm not there now, so I can reassure you that you can find your way through the darkness too.

I'm going to suggest that you look at the statement you made above and ask yourself "Is the second sentence the reason for the first?"  Are you feeling hopeless, at least in part, because you have placed the blame for where you are now on someone else?  If someone else has put you where you are now, doesn't that also imply that someone else will be necessary to get you to the place you want to be?  If you believe that on any level, I would think that would make you feel helpless and hopeless.

I have definitely been in that place where I knew all the things I could/should do to have a shot at feeling better, yet felt completely powerless to do any of them.  In fact, the list of all the things I could/should do was paralyzing in and of itself.  A very good friend (who had also been in that place) told me the mantra that helped her break out of that paralysis - ":)o the next thing".  Don't look at everything you need to do.  Just take the next step in that direction.  Thing #1 - Get out of bed.  Thing #2 - take a shower... .and so forth.

That said, here are a few ideas of things that have made a world of difference in my mood.  You can think of them as potential "next things".

Take a walk outside
Buy and take some vitamin D (low vitamin D has been associated with depression, and almost everyone eating a modern diet is vitamin D deficient).
Eat a vegetable or two
Go to a park/garden and look at the trees/plants. 
Make a list of the undone tasks that are making you feel guilty.  Decide whether any of them don't need to be done or can be delegated to someone else.  Give yourself permission to complete the remaining ones in a REASONABLE time frame.
Get a massage
Do something you used to love, even if you aren't sure you can love it now

Wishing you the best,
BeagleGirl

[confusedbloke]

I got over my exBPDgf by continually reminding myself of the bad times... .I took anti-depressants and wallowed for some time.  I got on tinder and POF to get my confidence back.  I started dating and it was quite amazing how many I got.  I had 4 in one week once!  It was fun.  And Ive met one very special woman who Ive literally been texting, talking about whats been going on with me lately.  Theres no romantic involvement (as she thought I was too loud and not manly enough!).  I really shouldnt have asked for feedback as to why she turned me down hahaha!  But we are very good friends.  Who would have thought a dating site could create friends!  I had many dates and had great fun.  

So every text conversation with a potential date, was a few minutes not thinking about my ex.
So every date I went on was a night not thinking about my ex.
Getting ready and the anticipation was more time not thinking about my ex.

It doesnt take long to get them out of your head, but you must keep yourself occupied and realise that they are heroin.  They cant help the way they are but you can.  Heroin is suypposedly amazing and so is a person with BPD.  You just cannot get enough.  But its toxic for your system, and toxins have to be flushed going cold turkey only.

In the UK we have a website called meetup.com.  That is brilliant.  I met so many people doing that.  You should give it a go if you have it.  Again, more distraction.

As for the drink.  I drink alot.  Always have done though.  I would say that Im a borderline alcoholic if Im honest.  I drink 5 nights a week.  Never on my own though.  Im always out and about (mainly in the local pub).  My kids are a good distraction also.  But also it doesnt interfere with my daily life... .Its just the British way haha!

Its all about distraction, then all of a sudden life changes.

Hope you feeling better soon

CB

[Insom]

Hi, Shedd.   

Yes, i hear you and have been following your posts about what's going on with you emotionally. 

I'm seeing a therapist on Monday.

Yay!  Congrats, Shedd.     This is terrific to hear.  Will this be your first meetup?  Will you check back in next week and let us know how it went?

FWIW, I started therapy a few months ago and have found it very helpful and interesting.  It feels great to have the support of someone who understands what personality disorders are and I feel like I'm carrying less emotional weight on my own.

Seems like everyone gets away with anything and I make one mistake and lose friendships over the drop of a hat.  I am not sure why this happens to me.

I hear you and know this isn't an unusual problem for people who've learned to help others by putting others' needs before their own.  Is this something you think you might raise at your therapy meeting?

[Shedd]

Wow, thanks for all the support guys!

I have had therapists in the past, but this will be my first time with this one on Monday.  I could go back to my old therapist, but I think I just need something different. 

I also went on Anti depressants/anxiety medicaiton last week.  I think it's helping to lift up my spirits again.  I def. have more energy? I have also been taking vitamin D and eating my veggies! <3

I finally started my chores today that I've been procrastinating on for a week.  I usually keep my house extremely clean, but with the depression I just haven't had muse for it at all.  That felt good. 

The reason why I stay in and don't do many activities is that I don't have a lot of extra money to spend.  My extra money mainly goes to food, and gas. I might bring this up with therapist see if she has any ideas for me. Usually, if I do something; I like doing it with someone else, but people aren't always available to hang all the time.  I like the idea about cooking for friends. () I think I might throw some parties here in the future so that would be a good start. 

I have been wanting to get back into working out.  After my sister died I gave up on it because my depression got even worse, and I found out I had a brain anerusm I wonder if I got it from my ex.   So yeah just a lot has kept me from working out.

 It hasn't always been terrible.  I feel like I'm bipolar sometimes.  Never been diagnosed as having it tho.

I don't want to blame this all on my ex because she didn't force me to become this way, but the emotional abuse did have an affect on me and some issues that have happened in my life.  I do not expect anyone to make my life better. I don't even know if a relationship would be a good thing for me so I tend to avoid love now. 

[BeagleGirl]

Shedd,
Wow, the death of a sister and a brain aneurysm AND a BPD relationship.  You really have been through the wringer.

I wouldn't worry too much about being bipolar, but it wouldn't hurt to be evaluated.  We all go through ups and downs and you sound like you have had lots of cause for situational depression.  Maybe keep a mood journal for a bit and see if you start to see any up/down patterns.

I've tended to take a "wait and see" approach rather than jump to meds because I have seen side effects and the search for the right meds become yet another stressor in an already stressful life.  That said, I was on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant for a couple of years and I believe they gave me the mood stability I needed to cope and move forward with my life, so definitely not an anti-meds person. 

It sounds like you are doing a lot of great things towards working your way through these doldrums.  You mentioned looking for activities that won't cost much, so here's another list for you. 

Visit museums (most have free days)
Visit parks
Take a class - there are some pretty inexpensive classes at community colleges in the US, not where you live.
Join a community garden
Volunteer at a community center/school/homeless shelter
Spend some time in a library reading things from the comedy section
Go to an AA meeting - I know you may not be an alcoholic but if this is a coping mechanism you feel has the potential to get out of control, it can't hurt.

BG