Back in January, I left my BPD partner.  I was gone for a month.  He didn't see the kids and the only correspondence we had was through email.  We talked about a lot of issues.  Told him exactly how I felt.  He promised to change.  I called him one day and said I would come home.  For about the first few weeks, things were going well.  Then things started back sliding again.

I saw the signs early on.  Things weren't nearly as bad as they were, but things came up that made relive painful moments.  I wasn't nearly as quiet as I had been before and we had a few pretty ugly fights.  I told him I wanted to see a counselor.   I made an appointment finally and told him about it.  He didn't want to go.  Even at one point told me that he wouldn't go.  The day of the appointment, I went by myself and took our youngest son.  

By the time I went to the counselor, I had given it serious thought about leaving him again.  This time I was going to sit down and talk to him like an adult.   I parked down the street from the house to gather up my courage.  Then he comes up to the truck, asks what I am doing, calls me a cheating hoe, slams the door, and walks off.  I called him up and said, I need to talk to you.  He said he was leaving on the first etc etc and when I told him I was leaving him, he stopped.  We had a long talk in the truck.  I told him I was going to my parents house for a couple weeks.  

The following week, we both went to the counselor and then a few days later, I went to my parents.  He went twice to the counselor when I was gone and we went again when I got back.  When I got back, we had a pretty bad fight on the day of the appointment.

Things aren't pefect.  We still have a lot of work to do on our relationship.  He has agreed to go to individual as well as marriage counseling.  We're working on our communication and not trying to be mind readers.  We have a safe word when things are getting out of hand.  I used it the other day when he said something and he stopped.  I didn't expect to be where I am, which is in a better place I was.  There still is uncertainty on a few things, but hoping with healing and help, we can get to more stable ground.

I am actually feeling better.  We sat down on the couch one day and talked about how we are feeling about certain things.  He has taken responsibility for his actions, or at least most.  I still think he is responsible for certain things and he slightly disagrees.  The way he behaved before I left has almost disappeared.  I am guilty of letting my temper get the best of me on a couple occasions.

I have noticed a change in both of us.  I'm not scared of him anymore.  There are still times where I come off as "cold" as he puts it.  I know I have a lot of resentment built up that I need to work through.  He has become softer and more patient and understanding.  I feel more comfortable talking to him about things I couldn't before.

One of the emotional checks is the safe word.  Granted I didn't use it when we had a fight the day of the counselor appointment.  The most recent time he made an abrasive comment and I could tell I was about to be set off, so I said it and he stopped.

I by no means have any idea that this will end up some fairy tale happily ever after.  There is a part of me that is still detached from the relationship.  Maybe self preservation.  I have seen him make an effort to really change.  We are having more better times.  I just know that it will take hard work and dedication. 

I'm going back to school in the fall to get a nursing degree.  Whatever happens between myself and my SO, I want to make sure I have a career that will help support us or if things don't work out, myself and the kids.

Hi Frankee,

Thanks for sharing all of this and for your notable honesty and self-awareness.

When you say positive reinforcement works great, do you mean with your partner? That you try to reinforce his positive behaviors? This strategy has been very successful for me too. I like to think I would have done this with anyone, in any relationship, but being mindful of it with my emotionally sensitive partner helps a lot. He really had very little relationship experience when we met, and nearly all of it unhealthy, so he just was not equipped to do very well in a relationship, or be very healthy. But I think he really does want to be and to do his best. He can't always, but I think in spirit he does mean well.

Can you explain more how you set up this strategy with your safe word and how and when you each use it? Seems nice that is a tool you both have access to and have an agreement over! Congratulations on this! Any other tools you are finding effective so far?

take care, pearl.