6 month update: still uncertainty but hoping to get to higher ground

[Frankee]

Back in January, I left my BPD partner.  I was gone for a month.  He didn't see the kids and the only correspondence we had was through email.  We talked about a lot of issues.  Told him exactly how I felt.  He promised to change.  I called him one day and said I would come home.  For about the first few weeks, things were going well.  Then things started back sliding again.

I saw the signs early on.  Things weren't nearly as bad as they were, but things came up that made relive painful moments.  I wasn't nearly as quiet as I had been before and we had a few pretty ugly fights.  I told him I wanted to see a counselor.   I made an appointment finally and told him about it.  He didn't want to go.  Even at one point told me that he wouldn't go.  The day of the appointment, I went by myself and took our youngest son.  

By the time I went to the counselor, I had given it serious thought about leaving him again.  This time I was going to sit down and talk to him like an adult.   I parked down the street from the house to gather up my courage.  Then he comes up to the truck, asks what I am doing, calls me a cheating hoe, slams the door, and walks off.  I called him up and said, I need to talk to you.  He said he was leaving on the first etc etc and when I told him I was leaving him, he stopped.  We had a long talk in the truck.  I told him I was going to my parents house for a couple weeks.  

The following week, we both went to the counselor and then a few days later, I went to my parents.  He went twice to the counselor when I was gone and we went again when I got back.  When I got back, we had a pretty bad fight on the day of the appointment.

Things aren't pefect.  We still have a lot of work to do on our relationship.  He has agreed to go to individual as well as marriage counseling.  We're working on our communication and not trying to be mind readers.  We have a safe word when things are getting out of hand.  I used it the other day when he said something and he stopped.  I didn't expect to be where I am, which is in a better place I was.  There still is uncertainty on a few things, but hoping with healing and help, we can get to more stable ground.

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[pearlsw]

Hi Frankee,

This sounds very tough! Are you actively using any of the tools here to help with this? They're free! And they can make a big difference.

I don't know how many times over the years my SO has stormed off, been ready to drive off and leave me somewhere, not exhibited a lot of control. He is much more stable now that he is taking medication, but not entirely.

Does he sense anything is "off" in his behavior or does he blame you entirely?

What can you do to keep your emotions more in check when he is saying awful stuff to you?

with compassion, pearl.

[Frankee]

I am actually feeling better.  We sat down on the couch one day and talked about how we are feeling about certain things.  He has taken responsibility for his actions, or at least most.  I still think he is responsible for certain things and he slightly disagrees.  The way he behaved before I left has almost disappeared.  I am guilty of letting my temper get the best of me on a couple occasions.

I have noticed a change in both of us.  I'm not scared of him anymore.  There are still times where I come off as "cold" as he puts it.  I know I have a lot of resentment built up that I need to work through.  He has become softer and more patient and understanding.  I feel more comfortable talking to him about things I couldn't before.

One of the emotional checks is the safe word.  Granted I didn't use it when we had a fight the day of the counselor appointment.  The most recent time he made an abrasive comment and I could tell I was about to be set off, so I said it and he stopped.

I by no means have any idea that this will end up some fairy tale happily ever after.  There is a part of me that is still detached from the relationship.  Maybe self preservation.  I have seen him make an effort to really change.  We are having more better times.  I just know that it will take hard work and dedication. 

I'm going back to school in the fall to get a nursing degree.  Whatever happens between myself and my SO, I want to make sure I have a career that will help support us or if things don't work out, myself and the kids.

[Frankee]

I know people say that nobody can change unless they want too.  It is completely true.  The triangle, rescuer, victim, abuser.  I have been all three.  Yes, even played the abuser role towards my SO when I had the upper hand.  Even admitting it in writing is hard. 

I also agree that positive reinforcement works great.  It took a lot of inner struggle to get where I am today.

I do want to say to anybody reading this.  Please reach out.  Family, friends, local resources, counselors, domestic violence hotline, love is respect website, this web forum.  If it wasn't for me having the courage to reach out and talk about what is going on, I don't know if I would be where I am today. 

As much as we love our BPD spouses, exes, family members, etc., it is important to know that we cannot change them.  All we can do is make sure our well being is taken care of, we have support, and we offer them support.  They will only change if they want to.

[pearlsw]

Hi Frankee,

Thanks for sharing all of this and for your notable honesty and self-awareness.

When you say positive reinforcement works great, do you mean with your partner? That you try to reinforce his positive behaviors? This strategy has been very successful for me too. I like to think I would have done this with anyone, in any relationship, but being mindful of it with my emotionally sensitive partner helps a lot. He really had very little relationship experience when we met, and nearly all of it unhealthy, so he just was not equipped to do very well in a relationship, or be very healthy. But I think he really does want to be and to do his best. He can't always, but I think in spirit he does mean well.

Can you explain more how you set up this strategy with your safe word and how and when you each use it? Seems nice that is a tool you both have access to and have an agreement over! Congratulations on this! Any other tools you are finding effective so far?

take care, pearl.

[Frankee]

We use the safe word when things are starting to get out of hand and we are losing sight of the real problem or when one of us says something that is out of line.

We are seeing counselors and I have been journaling.  I make mental notes and waits until he is gone.  I write good and bad down.  I hide my journal is a inconspicuous place with my other paperwork.  Kind of in a way to where if he passes by, it looks like a regular notebook.  I keep the notes in the back and have grocery lists and to do lists in the front.

I try positive reinforcement by acknowledging when he is showing positive behaviors.  When I expect him to react a certain way from past experience and he surprises me by doing the opposite, I will say something like, thank you, I appreciate the understanding.  If it's in person I will hug him or give him a little kiss, or something.  In a healthy relationship, those things should come natural.  In my BPD relationship, I still have a lot of automatic negative responses from before.  Making a conscience choice to show/tell him I can tell he's trying has been important.

There are still times where it's not enough or he's having a day where I can pick up he's struggling harder than other days.  I try to use wisemind and remind myself that I didn't do anything wrong and it's his own inner struggle.