Separated...and Numb: Can't access how I'm feeling

[Depression = 72% of members]

I decided to start a new thread apart from the one that captured most of the events from the time I told my uBPDw that I needed to leave our marriage, through actually signing the separation agreement.

So, since the 10-hour mediation experience this past Wednesday, I have seen my stbx twice... .once when she had came by Thursday to get some personal things and for us to both tell the children together that we finally had some plans worked out, and once on Friday evening where I agreed that the kids to FaceTime her.  Outside of that, we have texted and emailed back and forth a couple times to follow up on some financial agreements that were part of the documents we signed.  As the next week comes along, I think we'll have even less contact, though later in July we'll be together again when she comes to move furniture out of the house.

The biggest thing that stands out to me right now is how numb I feel about it all.  :)riving home from the mediation on Wednesday night... .waking up at 3am the following morning and laying there for over an hour before getting back to sleep... .going to work the next day and plodding through the day before coming home... .seeing her Thursday evening and telling the kids... .walking into our (my) closet that night to get ready for bed and seeing her whole section of clothes gone... .realizing I am truly alone now, no matter how alone I already felt while in the marriage.  Nothing.  Not relief, not sadness, not worry... .nothing.

The closest I came to feeling anything was the anxiety that picked back up on Friday afternoon leading up to my therapy appointment after work.  I was at least aware enough to know that I was worried about totally breaking down in session with my T.  I figured if it was going to happen, it was bound to happen then, and I just really didn't want to.

But even in session with my T, I couldn't really access how I'm actually feeling.  As an example, I told her that looking ahead for the next couple of months, I'm trying to make plans to do some things that I know I would have enjoyed before.  But right now it's just a bland "yeah, that's something I'm doing" instead of anything resembling anticipation of a good time.

My T says I'm still emotionally detached from the situation (pretty typical coping mechanism for me, but it's in overdrive right now).  She said I'm still trying to recover from the constant hypervigilance and fight-or-flight mode that I have been in for so long.  That it will take me some time to start to relax a bit, to really know that I don't have to worry about her walking in the door to completely derail the evening, or calling and having another blow-up.  And that it will also just plain take me time to work through the emotions themselves once they do surface.  That part scares me, because I don't do well with processing emotions--especially ones that I am sure will be very strong.

She asked me how I have been most affected by this relationship--fully acknowledging that I may not be able to answer that question just yet.  It took me a minute to think, and I was reluctant to say it out loud, but I did.  I told her I now doubt I will ever find someone who is healthy and stable, who I would want to be with, that would actually want to be with me.  My T acknowledged a lot going on with that statement... .a lot of self-doubt over being able to discern whether someone is going to put me through the same kind of hell, and issues with my own self-worth.  She said that will all take some time work through, too.

For now, I'm feeling like an automaton, still just going through the motions because I have to... .like I have for much of the past year, only with even less feeling about anything.  Things still have to get done... .kids still need to be fed... .dog still needs to go out.  I am just really tired... .in body and mind.   And I have had a headache since my therapy appointment.  It really started spiking while I was talking to my T, and I figure it's mostly tension.  I was also self-medicating a bit again last night (wine this time), but I have done better about that today... .enjoyed one cold beer over lunch after a morning of yardwork, but no alcohol tonight.

And thank you HarleyQuinn for referring me to the Lessons on the right side of the page.  Unfortunately, I'm struggling a bit with where I even am in the stages since I don't really know how I feel... .

mw

[mama-wolf]

I decided to start a new thread apart from the one that captured most of the events from the time I told my uBPDw that I needed to leave our marriage, through actually signing the separation agreement.

So, since the 10-hour mediation experience this past Wednesday, I have seen my stbx twice... .once when she had came by Thursday to get some personal things and for us to both tell the children together that we finally had some plans worked out, and once on Friday evening where I agreed that the kids to FaceTime her.  Outside of that, we have texted and emailed back and forth a couple times to follow up on some financial agreements that were part of the documents we signed.  As the next week comes along, I think we'll have even less contact, though later in July we'll be together again when she comes to move furniture out of the house.

The biggest thing that stands out to me right now is how numb I feel about it all.  :)riving home from the mediation on Wednesday night... .waking up at 3am the following morning and laying there for over an hour before getting back to sleep... .going to work the next day and plodding through the day before coming home... .seeing her Thursday evening and telling the kids... .walking into our (my) closet that night to get ready for bed and seeing her whole section of clothes gone... .realizing I am truly alone now, no matter how alone I already felt while in the marriage.  Nothing.  Not relief, not sadness, not worry... .nothing.

The closest I came to feeling anything was the anxiety that picked back up on Friday afternoon leading up to my therapy appointment after work.  I was at least aware enough to know that I was worried about totally breaking down in session with my T.  I figured if it was going to happen, it was bound to happen then, and I just really didn't want to.

But even in session with my T, I couldn't really access how I'm actually feeling.  As an example, I told her that looking ahead for the next couple of months, I'm trying to make plans to do some things that I know I would have enjoyed before.  But right now it's just a bland "yeah, that's something I'm doing" instead of anything resembling anticipation of a good time.

My T says I'm still emotionally detached from the situation (pretty typical coping mechanism for me, but it's in overdrive right now).  She said I'm still trying to recover from the constant hypervigilance and fight-or-flight mode that I have been in for so long.  That it will take me some time to start to relax a bit, to really know that I don't have to worry about her walking in the door to completely derail the evening, or calling and having another blow-up.  And that it will also just plain take me time to work through the emotions themselves once they do surface.  That part scares me, because I don't do well with processing emotions--especially ones that I am sure will be very strong.

She asked me how I have been most affected by this relationship--fully acknowledging that I may not be able to answer that question just yet.  It took me a minute to think, and I was reluctant to say it out loud, but I did.  I told her I now doubt I will ever find someone who is healthy and stable, who I would want to be with, that would actually want to be with me.  My T acknowledged a lot going on with that statement... .a lot of self-doubt over being able to discern whether someone is going to put me through the same kind of hell, and issues with my own self-worth.  She said that will all take some time work through, too.

For now, I'm feeling like an automaton, still just going through the motions because I have to... .like I have for much of the past year, only with even less feeling about anything.  Things still have to get done... .kids still need to be fed... .dog still needs to go out.  I am just really tired... .in body and mind.   And I have had a headache since my therapy appointment.  It really started spiking while I was talking to my T, and I figure it's mostly tension.  I was also self-medicating a bit again last night (wine this time), but I have done better about that today... .enjoyed one cold beer over lunch after a morning of yardwork, but no alcohol tonight.

And thank you HarleyQuinn for referring me to the Lessons on the right side of the page.  Unfortunately, I'm struggling a bit with where I even am in the stages since I don't really know how I feel... .

mw

[pearlsw]

Hi mama-wolf,

Thank you so much for writing about emotional numbness! I have noticed that I've felt this way a lot in the past couple months, but when you write it out like this... .Well, it's been a tremendous help to me in also being able to understand myself. Wow.

But about you... .I dunno. Um, one thing I notice lately is that it takes listening to music sometimes to be able to feel emotions. It is the strangest thing, but music can help me feel like I have a broader range of emotions than I do otherwise. I think, for me, part of what is going on is I just don't want to feel much. I have been hit with his emotional intensity for so long, his black and white emotional extremes, that I'm just left wanting to do some self-protection I think and I've shut off and become numb at times. This does not seem healthy, but there it is.

Do you think watching movies, or listening to music or something, might help you with opening your emotions back up? Do you want your full range of emotions right now or do you prefer a little numbness?

I think in time you may see them come back bit by bit, but just a hunch.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Mutt]

Hi mama-wolf,

I’m sorry that it’s come down to this  It’s only been a few days maybe give it a few more days?

I had the opposite effect I carried on like normal i felt i got a break and I was happy when my ex left. She left with the kids the obit furnishing left was in my bedroom and a bit in the living room everything else gone. I had to close the doors to the kids bedrooms the kids were young so there was always activity around the house. It was the shock of it all I had hoped to one day to not be in a r/s with my ex while I was with her but it was really hard when it happened it hit about a week later the sadness, anxiety, depression, helplessness, anger.

I agree with your T you need more time behind you what you think today will be different in a year, two years five years. Today you think that you won’t find someone else you’ll find someone in time. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Hang in there.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Mama Wolf,

Hyper vigilance can cause emotional shut down.  As you have discovered, you have done it for self preservation.  I did that, as well.  In my evaluation, there wasn’t much room in these relationships for the  nonBPD partner’s emotions.  In my own relationship, he was so over the top that I just reined my emotions in and kept them there.

I have been working through this.  My therapist also told me that as I am now in a more calm, peaceful environment, the emotions will begin to be expressed in a way that is normal - not repressed and not overwhelming.  I’m finding that to be unfolding for me.  I’m 6 months separated.

There are many losses to grieve for us.  When one starts to surface, my first reaction is to distract myself to keep from feeling it.  But, I have been practicing letting it just come up naturally and feeling whatever it brings to me.  Sometimes it is a tear, sometimes a smile, sometimes just a sadness.  Whenever I have been able to do this, it seems to surface and leave fairly quickly.  Then I feel lighter for working through it.

I hope that knowing others have walked the same path is helpful to you.

You mentioned the lessons being helpful.  I have discovered the Library of Workshops listed on the boards tab.  It even has a directory of lessons.  They are many and varied. 

Peace and blessing,

Mustbe

[mama-wolf]

Do you think watching movies, or listening to music or something, might help you with opening your emotions back up? Do you want your full range of emotions right now or do you prefer a little numbness?

My knee-jerk answer to your question is hell no I don't want my full range of emotions.  And yet, I know that's a double-edged sword.  I'm not likely to really enjoy the good in my life if I don't feel (and deal with) the bad.

Music isn't usually my conduit, but I can become a blubbering mess pretty quickly with movies.  I'm not sure that's going to do the trick, though... .

It’s only been a few days maybe give it a few more days?

I agree with your T you need more time behind you what you think today will be different in a year, two years five years.

Thanks, Mutt.  I'm reading and trying to learn more about where I am.   From that reading, I do recognize that time is an important factor here.  That knowledge just doesn't help much in the moment, but it's still important to keep in mind.

Tonight is my first night since Wednesday without the kids, but I'm away on a business trip so I know it doesn't feel like it would if I were sitting at the house by myself.  That will come... .

Hyper vigilance can cause emotional shut down.  As you have discovered, you have done it for self preservation.  I did that, as well.  In my evaluation, there wasn’t much room in these relationships for the  nonBPD partner’s emotions.  In my own relationship, he was so over the top that I just reined my emotions in and kept them there.

I hope that knowing others have walked the same path is helpful to you.

Hi Mustbe... .yes, this is my experience and it does help to know others have walked the path.  It was the same for me... .no room in the relationship for me at all--especially for my emotions.  And my T has said just what you did... .that I have done this for the sake of self-preservation.  It's just now I feel stuck.  We talked last session about letting the emotions come as they will, so I guess it's a waiting game now.

mw

[pearlsw]

Hi all,

Thanks so much for all the insights and experience being shared on this thread!

mama-wolf, hope you are able to access those feelings again in time, at your pace!

warmly, pearl.

[mama-wolf]

Well,  I have made it through the week, and there hasn't been much change on my end.   On Monday, I dropped the kids off at school and then headed to the airport for a business trip out in Denver.  I got back Thursday and picked the kids up yesterday, starting my week with them before they leave for the beach next Friday with my stbx and her side of the family.

During the week, I met quite a few colleagues I only previously knew by name and/or corresponded with remotely.  I chatted, I joked/laughed, I presented, and I collaborated.  I saw some beautiful mountains and watched a dazzling sunset.  It all felt pretty blah, superficial.  At the end of each day as I would go to bed, there hasn't been much that I could say I really enjoyed.  I also wasn't sad about being away from my kids or anything else.

While I was away, I reached out to a couple of friends with whom my stbx had had a falling out.  They are friends that I liked, whose company I really liked, and who I figured I would enjoy re-connecting with now that I am separated.  They were very welcoming... .invited me for dinner at their house where I played a bit with their kids, and I was able to get them caught up on some of what has been going on with me.  But as I was  leaving their house and headed home, I couldn't sit there and say "I enjoyed that."  I just didn't feel much of anything.  On an intellectual level, I know it's good to reach out and talk to friends, but that's about it.

When I went to pick up the kids from school yesterday, I wasn't filled with excitement about seeing them after being away from them since Monday.  Don't get me wrong, there were hugs and smiles, and I love my children.  It just feels hollow.

In trying to do some of my own research online, I came across the term alexithymia, and it seems to fit.  I will obviously rely on my T to offer a more professional opinion... .it's just that I have long struggled with being able to identify or express my feelings.  Especially now.  My T has asked me on multiple occasions how I feel about something, and I just draw such a blank! 

I don't really like the possibility, though.  It's bad enough that my T has identified that I struggle with abandonment issues (underlying cause for being emotionally avoidant), because the association of abandonment issues with BPD makes me really uncomfortable.  I don't want to be like my stbx in any way.  And the association of alexithymia with personality disorders is equally uncomfortable, but I also know it can be associated with trauma.  I still struggle with accepting that I have been the victim of trauma, but it's becoming harder to deny. 

I know I am in a better place than I was when I was when I was with my stbx.  I just don't see things getting any better than they are.  It's Saturday morning, and I have the weekend ahead of me on my own with the kids.  We'll do the usual... .run some errands, do some chores, and try cool off a bit at the neighborhood pool, then go to bed and do another variation of the same thing tomorrow.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

mw

[Harley Quinn]

mw I hear you.  I am feeling similarly wash rinse repeat at the moment as I'm having lasting effects of PTSD and am working with a counsellor and another therapist as I address issues I just want dealt with now. 

Unfortunately, there is a process and as hard as it can be to accept (I struggle greatly with not just getting straight to the finish line) we just have to allow it to unfold.  I can relate to the numbness.  It only occurs when I am faced with traumatic situations or the aftermath of them and is a coping mechanism I developed when I was young.  Is this something you believe you've always experienced?  Think back to major positive and negative experiences in your life.  Was this the same/different?

Has your T considered that you may be suffering from depression mw?  It's really common for us to get depressed in the wake of a BPD r/s and what I found was that I had to just do the things, whether I felt like it or enjoyed them or not.  Eventually the pleasure returned.  Stopping doing those things is where the danger lies of things becoming worse, so it's good that you are still going through the motions.

Love and light x 

[Cromwell]

sometimes when you have so much going on in your head, and this is all really fresh and recent, its not so much that you might not otherwise have enjoyed these new experiences, its just that you cant fully detach away from the things that are bothering you to fully experience the here and now.

[mama-wolf]

Unfortunately, there is a process and as hard as it can be to accept (I struggle greatly with not just getting straight to the finish line) we just have to allow it to unfold.

Yes, in our last session my T tried to help me understand there is not some box I can just check and say "ok, that part's done."  I hear it, I have read about it many times, and I understand it rationally.  I also find myself resisting it with all that I am.

I don't want to be grieving a relationship.  I don't want to have abandonment issues.  I don't want to be the victim of emotional abuse and trauma.  I decline to participate.  At least, that's what I keep saying in my head... .If only it were that easy.

I can relate to the numbness.  It only occurs when I am faced with traumatic situations or the aftermath of them and is a coping mechanism I developed when I was young.  Is this something you believe you've always experienced?  Think back to major positive and negative experiences in your life.  Was this the same/different?

I'm not sure I can say about major positive experiences.  I guess as I think about it, I'm not really a person who celebrates things with an excessive amount of exuberance.  I'll be genuinely pleased about an outcome or event, but not exactly cheering or jumping for joy.  But absolutely, emotional detachment has been a common coping mechanism for me to deal with negative experiences over the course of my life.  That has definitely come up in therapy, and in fact my T encouraged a bit of detachment when going through the final steps of actually telling my stbx that I wanted to end the marriage.  She didn't want me to get sucked back in by the emotional manipulations.

I think she knew that having me try different coping mechanisms than what has "worked" for me in the past would not be a good idea while trying to get through those most difficult days.  Now that I'm past that point, I know she is going to try to help me work on healthier ones.  I also know intellectually that clamping down on my emotions limits me from experiencing the full range of what life has to offer.

Which brings me to my next internal struggle.  After all that I have been through, I know that now is when the "real" work actually begins with my therapist.  I'm not a lazy person... .I just don't know if I'm up for it.

Has your T considered that you may be suffering from depression mw?  It's really common for us to get depressed in the wake of a BPD r/s and what I found was that I had to just do the things, whether I felt like it or enjoyed them or not.  Eventually the pleasure returned.  Stopping doing those things is where the danger lies of things becoming worse, so it's good that you are still going through the motions.

I can tell she is keeping watch for depression based on various questions she has asked in different sessions.  I don't think she believes I am there... .at least, not yet.  I had told her in the last session that although I have planned to do a few things over the coming months, I was really not feeling the kind of anticipation one might normally feel.  It's just something on my calendar, and I'm mostly just thinking "yep, I'm going to do that."  She was definitely encouraging me to keep doing the things, reaching out and spending time with friends, etc. even if I didn't really feel excited about it.

On one level, I have to keep going through the motions.  My kids depend on me.  And I'll do it for them if for no other reason.  I worry a bit though, because I get so exhausted with them on the weekends now that I truly am alone, and I have gotten pretty irritable with them at times too.  Most of the time I can reign it in, but it has been pretty hard both last weekend and this one.  By mid-afternoon, I'm counting down the hours until they go to bed... .mainly so that I can go to bed, too.

My next therapy session is on Tuesday.  When I think about it, I start to get anxious and regularly feel the temptation to cancel.  I know that's a bad idea, and so I keep pushing the temptation away, but it's there.  It's a different feeling from before, when I felt like I could barely make it through a week until my next appointment, but still didn't want to go because I didn't want to need therapy.  Now, it's this mixture of knowing I need therapy, dreading what the next steps in the process will be, and fearing that after only a few more sessions my T will be gone for a minimum of 8 weeks of maternity leave--possibly forever (despite her assurances to the contrary).

mw

[mama-wolf]

sometimes when you have so much going on in your head, and this is all really fresh and recent, its not so much that you might not otherwise have enjoyed these new experiences, its just that you cant fully detach away from the things that are bothering you to fully experience the here and now.

Thank you, Cromwell... .I meant to reply to this along with my other post from last night.  I can see how all the things going on recently could get in the way of being present with the potentially happy experiences going on now.  Even if those thoughts and unnamed feelings are not bubbling to the surface in the moment, I'm sure they still have their impacts.  I appreciate you dropping in!

mw

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi mama-wolf

Sometimes progress is slower than we would like for it to be.  It takes time sifting through all of the emotions and just stuff inside.

If you were able to enjoy your life in the past, then I suspect you will be able to in the future.  I have to practice mindfulness.  Just focusing on the beautiful things that happen to me everyday in the moment. 

I never was  able to meditate, but through trying, I have been able to just carve out some little moments of meditation.  Breathing is also important, of course, right!   I mean sometimes I would catch myself holding my breath which is not conducive to healing or thinking. 

It sure is quiet for me now that I am not living in my uBPDh's whirlwind of emotions.  It's a little difficult to get used to not living with the excitement (and I use that term broadly) and chaos.  Maybe you are a bit shellshocked. 

As for cancelling therapy, it seems you are right in the thick of it, and having a sounding board and professional advice on working through the emotional part of it has been helpful to me. 

Keep on keeping on.  You will get better.

Peace and blessings,  Mustbeabetterway

[mama-wolf]

Thank you for your comments, Mustbe... .the reassurance helps!

As for cancelling therapy, it seems you are right in the thick of it, and having a sounding board and professional advice on working through the emotional part of it has been helpful to me. 

Well... .the decision was taken from my hands because my T had to reschedule today's appointment.  She's pregnant with twins, and her blood pressure is up enough that he doctor wanted her to rest today.  With her being out on vacation the rest of the week, that pushes my appointment to next Monday afternoon.  I did go ahead and set the new appointment even though I feel conflicted about it.

The reschedule has really spiked my anxiety due to my larger fears that my T won't be available for much longer because of the pregnancy.  And I'm still not convinced she'll come back after maternity leave.  In addition to genuinely liking my T and feeling that we have developed a good therapeutic relationship over the past eight months, I REALLY don't want to start over with someone new.

I know enough about pregnancy to know that if her doctor is already concerned about her blood pressure at only approximately 6 months pregnant, she has a good likelihood of being put on bedrest well before her due date in October.  Then, whenever the babies are born, she'll be out at least eight weeks.  She has assured me that she won't leave practice... .that in addition to the personal and professional fulfillment she gets from helping other people, her family needs the income she would bring in.  I do trust her desire to return, but I don't trust that things will necessarily stay that way once the reality hits.

I don't want to tell her how it has upset me today because I don't want her to feel worse.  She already apologized and said she feels awful, so there's really nothing more to be said.  It just reaffirms for me that I'm ultimately on my own to get through this.

mw

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Mama-wolf, 

It is understandable that you are anxious about your therapist being away.  It's difficult enough opening up and sharing your thoughts and emotions.  When you meet with her, perhaps she could recommend someone for you to see short term.  As intimidating as that may be, look at it this way - you started with this therapist, you can start with another.  Actually, it may be a way to get better at talking about your emotions, to trust more than one person with that.  Every therapist has a different personality and different skills, you may benefit from a different perspective.  What do you think?  I know it's scary.

If she says she's planning to be back, I think you can trust that, barring unseen complications. 

I was speaking to my therapist last week, and I remarked that no wonder some people do not do the work to better their situations, mindsets, mental health - it's a difficult task!  But, very worthwhile, in my opinion. 

You are not on your own.  You have taken some brave steps.  We are here to support you.

Peace and blessings,  Mustbeabetterway