Realization about her issues & mine, but what is love with BPD?

[fpnamak80]

It all seemed to click when, after years of constant and recurrent blame and obsession with getting pregnant (to fill her chronic emptiness), she started to blame me for being borderline. We have discussed together how her mother probably has it and does not seek help. I have recently been seeing a therapist and have discussed with therapist my anxiety, codependence, communication issues, anger control. I had gone to a couples communication class with her, TWICE! I had gone to an anger management class. Things temporarily got better. But nothing stuck. I always felt like something was missing. Now I am quite sure the reason, ten years later. I feel stupid for not seeing it before and letting her walk all over me. I feel sad and silly for getting angry and pushing her last week when she called ME borderline and laughed at me. To be honest, it was more of a quick chuckle... .boy did it get me riled up. Now she won't let go. I bought the walking on eggshells book. Everything seems to line up. I feel like the curtain has been lifted. We're married and have two kids. One is my beautiful stepson. I sometimes wonder about why his biological dad broke up with her... .I wonder if the stories she has told me about him are the truth or rather just her side of the story.

She cannot bear to talk about her mother, probably because she sees a reflection of herself. Mother uses husband's money, gets in huge debt. Daughter (my wife) falling into the EXACT same trap now. I am 30,000 in debt now. Do I tell my father in law? Would it break him to know? He definitely covers up his wife's faults, but everyone in the town now knows she steals his money.

As for me, I've been a mess for years: dependent, angry, evasive, depressed. Anti depressant didn't work. I stupidly sought love/affection at Asian massage parlor.

I got drunk once and tried to flirt with women at the bar... .I'm hopeless and desperate so no one bit. I've been on the brink of going to court house to file for divorce, but I don't go through. I can't even afford divorce right now even if I wanted to go through with it.

We haven't spoken in a week. If this keeps up, I'm okay with it. Better than arguing in front of kids. There's no way I'm going to couples therapy with her. Not until she gets help first... .In fact we've done couples therapy and things got worse.

She constantly blames herself for our three miscarriages. No one else thinks she did anything wrong. She's the only one who thinks she messed up. She's high functioning... .We have a big house, I have a great job. What if things weren't so superficially peachy all of a sudden? Perhaps she would seek appropriate help.

Although, she told me she will be going soon to therapy. I hope she sticks with it. I worry she's spiraling out of control now that I am actually taking care of myself and setting limits. In many ways, I'm actually quite proud of myself despite my previous downfalls.

I love her, and I feel silly for even saying it... .What is love with a BP? it almost seems the opposite of what normal love should be... .In a way. But everyone needs limits I guess. BPs more so.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi fpnamak80,

Sounds like you've had a pretty tough go of things! Welcome to the site. This is a great place to find some support. The best way to get it is to post on other's threads, and create your own.  It's a great place to discuss all you need to and show support for others as well when ya can.

I've read your history here, but may I ask, where do things stand now? Are you in limbo? Hoping to improve things? Just about to throw in the towel? Have no idea today? Is one of you out of the home? Are you communicating at all since there are children involved? Did you physically push her?

with compassion, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi fpnamak80, joining pearlsw in welcoming you here!

Thank for being candid about your story and where you see your part in things. It sounds like you've already made a lot of progress for someone who only made the BPD connection recently. 

Although, she told me she will be going soon to therapy. I hope she sticks with it. I worry she's spiraling out of control now that I am actually taking care of myself and setting limits. In many ways, I'm actually quite proud of myself despite my previous downfalls.

Good work on the self care and boundaries setting front. Do you mind to share about these parts in more detail?  Do you think she will follow through on the therapy, and are you looking into individual for yourself as well? I found talking to a T (therapist) extremely helpful in processing what was going on.

Yrs,
~ROE